Absolution - chapter 10

oooooooooooooooooo

Roslin opened her eyes to find Adama's gently smiling face looking down at her.

"You gave us quite a scare there," he said, feather-light fingers brushing a stray lock of hair off her face.

"Boo." The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile.

Adama chuckled. "You are so much like Kara sometimes, it's almost frightening."

"Lieutenant Thrace?" she said, surprised.

He nodded. "The two of you are very similar - you're just a little less rough around the edges."

"Maybe a little more right now," she said weakly. "What happened?"

"You passed out."

"That part I'd figured out already. Why?"

"Your blood pressure slipped dangerously low." Doc Cottle had been hovering nearby. "I got you stabilized for now. You need to take it easy for a while though."

She nodded.

"So is it okay to talk about whatever's on your mind here?" Adama asked.

Roslin looked around. "Pull the curtain."

He did as she asked then came to sit on the edge of the bed. "So, what's on your mind?"

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Kara reached for the spanner, but it apparently wasn't where she'd left it. She felt around furiously, unable to sit up and look for it. "Where is that frakking thing?" she asked herself, sliding the dolly out from under the Viper she was repairing.

"It's good to see some things are back to normal," a voice commented quietly. Lee. He'd been leaning on a Raptor beside her, watching her work for some time.

"Not enough things," she said carefully, folding her hands over her chest.

"We miss you out there Starbuck," he said, after a pause, unsure if he should speak at all. Was her comment meant sarcastically, or was she trying to make him feel guilty for putting her in this condition? He really didn't know. And truly, he didn't need any help with the guilt either - it was already eating him alive.

"Yeah, I miss it too," she said wistfully, actually looking directly at him for the first time. "You look like hell Captain."

Lee smirked at the trace of sarcasm in her voice. That's my girl! "Thanks for noticing. You don't look too bad yourself."

"Funny, I never thought I looked good in a mix of brown, yellow, purple and blue."

"Suits you," he joked back, hoping he wasn't going too far. She just nodded. "So um ... how go the repairs?"

"Good. Got anything else? I'm getting bored of Vipers."

"Paperwork?" he teased. "I'd be more than happy to share that with you."

"Yeah, well ... I'm not that desperate."

"I'm ... glad you're feeling better Kara," he offered tentatively.

"Getting there," she said guardedly. Lee could almost see her defences come back up. She'd let them down just a fraction to joke with him, but the conversation was obviously becoming painful for her.

"If you need more to do, talk to the Chief. I'm sure he's got enough work to share," Lee said gently. "I've got to go now. I'll see you later?" There was a pleading tone in his voice that didn't go unnoticed by her.

"Yeah," she said noncommitally.

As Lee walked past, he touched her shoulder briefly, but she flinched, and Lee's heart sank. She doesn't trust me, he thought sadly. Not that I've given her any reason to. I'm going to have to work awfully hard to regain that trust, he thought, as he left the flight deck.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Roslin fiddled with the edge of the blanket, and stared down, refusing to meet his eyes. Bill Adama wasn't a genius at reading people, but even he could tell that she was going to have trouble talking to him. He took her hand in his and closed over it, stilling it from it's restless movements.

"It's okay. You can tell me," he said softly.

She finally looked up and her eyes were full of sadness. "I'm sorry Bill."

"That's it?" he teased. "All that fuss for a simple 'I'm sorry'? You don't need to apologize.

"Don't you go making fun now,' she said, shaking her head at him. "I'm being serious here."

He smiled. "Okay."

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry I asked Lieutenant Thrace to go to Caprica. I'm sorry I went against your authority. You were right - it was a military decision and I should have abided with it.' Her eyes sparkled with tears. "Most of all, I'm sorry I went behind your back. I didn't have the right to coerce her to go."

"Laura, stop. It's not all your fault. I need to shoulder a good chunk of the blame too. You may have been wrong to go behind my back, but I gave you no choice. I wasn't willing to even consider your suggestion because I'm not a believer."

"Neither was I," she whispered. "It all came upon me suddenly and it just made sense somehow."

"It was my fault for not being open-minded enough. And then afterwards - renouncing your Presidency? That was just selfishness." Adama looked down at the bed. "You hurt me and I lashed out at you. I should have kept my personal feelings in check."

Roslin squeezed his hand. "We all make mistakes. It's only human."

Adama looked up and smirked. "At least you don't think I'm a cylon anymore. That's a start."

Roslin smiled. "So where do we go from here?"

ooooooooooooooooooo

Upon shift's end, Kara went straight back to the officer's quarters and barricaded herself in her bunk. Only there could she let the tears fall. No one saw Starbuck cry, and now was going to be no exception. Well, the old man did, but that was different. He wasn't just anyone.

The tears fell for a long time as she thought about Lee. It had been good to see him again - she'd missed him, both while she was on Caprica and since the 'incident' after she'd returned. But on the other hand, she felt an unfamiliar feeling around him now - fear. Not that Kara never felt fear - quite the opposite, but never before had it been in relation to Lee. Since the cylon attacks had begun, he'd been the one she'd felt safest with. His father had been the foundation she'd built her new life on after Zack's death, but Lee was her spirit, her reason for living, not just existing as she'd done since then. The old man had pulled her through but she hadn't really had friends, and though she'd frequently smiled and laughed, she hadn't really been happy.

Until Lee had come. They'd clung to each other as the only familiar thing in a now unfamiliar universe, and the bond of friendship that had sprung up out of it had given her life and purpose. And happiness. Something she thought she'd never find again. Apparently the Adama brothers were the only ones who held a key to her heart. Unfortunately Lee had abused the privilege, and now she was afraid to allow him back in again.

The tears flowed unchecked until she fell into a deep sleep.

oooooooooooooooooo

Lee came wearily into the bunkroom at the end of his shift and stopped dead seeing Kara's curtain. The fact that it was pulled meant she was in there. A war raged within him. He wanted to go to her, to touch her, to make her understand he loved her and was desperately sorry for all the pain he'd caused, but on the other hand, he knew he ought to leave her alone and not push. Let her come to him when she was ready.

The former won out though, and his feet involuntarily pulled him forward. He stopped in front of her bunk. "Kara," he called softly. No answer. "Kara, are you okay?" Still no answer. His hand inched forward till it touched the curtain. It was taboo to open another's curtain without permission, but he had to know. He pulled it aside a few inches and his heart constricted. She was curled up, fast asleep, hugging her pillow. As he looked more closely, he realized her cheeks were blotchy pink and her eyelashes were wet. She'd been crying.

He dropped to his knees. "Oh Kara," he whispered. "I'm sorry I'm hurting you so much." Tears pricked in his eyes. "I don't mean to hurt you, I love you." His hand stole close to her head and his fingers touched her hair. loose and long (for her), caressing it lovingly. "I love you Kara, always remember that. I have such a way of frakking things up, but I never wanted to hurt you."

Lee got up suddenly and closed the curtain. He wiped the corners of his eyes and walked softly out of the bunkroom. One more night and he'd be sleeping here again.

TBC