Absolution - chapter 13

ooooooooooooooo

Kara checked her watch - gods - two hours had gone by while she'd sat crying. No wonder she felt so shitty. She got up and wandered to the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face to ease the puffiness. You look lovely Thrace, just lovely! she murmured at her reflection, but really didn't care, to be completely honest. She had to go find Lee and apologize. The poor man had done nothing but be there for her and try to help her and she'd smacked him down for it, likely hurting him more than he'd ever hurt her. You are such a frakking idiot Kara, she chastised herself. What you said to Lee really was true - you are a screw-up! As she headed to his office, planning to get a glimpse of his schedule to find him and talk, she prayed silently that he'd be able to forgive her.

"Lieutenant Thrace, report to LifeStation. Pass the word to Lieutenant Thrace. Report to LifeStation."

Shit! she swore under her breath, breaking stride and heading the other way. This is the last thing I need now - a dose of Doc Cottle! She wandered into LifeStation a minute later, a pained look on her face.

"So, what's up?" she asked Cottle resignedly. "You don't need to poke me with more needles do you?"

"Nope. I don't need to see you at all. Patient requested your presence." He waved at a half-closed curtain. "She's waiting for you."

Kara stepped behind the curtain tentatively. "Madam President," she said, surprised. "I didn't know you were here. Are you alright?"

"Yes I'm fine," Roslin answered with a small smile. "Do you have a few minutes? I'd like to talk to you."

"More than a few. I'm not back on full duty yet so I have plenty of time." Roslin winced at this admission. Indirectly, she was partially responsible for this situation, and the guilt was eating at her.

Kara sat on the chair beside the bed, and the two women stared into each other's eyes, silently reading what they saw there.

"I want to apologize to you Lieutenant."

"Apologize?" Kara was clearly puzzled. "Apologize for what?"

"For asking you to go to Caprica."

"You want to apologize for asking me a favour? That's a first." Roslin smiled briefly. At least some of the 'old Starbuck' seemed to be resurfacing.

"You know what I mean. It was unfair of me to ask you to go behind the Commander's back and defy his authority. I was wrong in asking you to do it, and I'm sorry for all the pain it's caused you."

Kara looked down at her hands, fingers twining and intertwining themselves in her lap. "It's not your fault he lied to us about earth," she said quietly.

"He did what he thought was best. Sometimes the truth isn't what's best."

"So it's better to give them false hope? To lie to them?" She looked up and Roslin saw the pain as the mask dropped away.

"Sometimes, yes. I know how you feel - inside I feel the same way. Cut the bullshit and give me the truth, at least then I know what I'm dealing with. But that doesn't work for everyone. People need something to believe in - something larger than just themselves. Especially after such a devastating loss."

Kara nodded, not fully convinced though. "I guess."

"It hurt you though didn't it, to find out the man you loved and respect like a father lied to you." Tears shone in Kara's clear green eyes. "I'm so sorry I did that to you in order to convince you to do what I wanted. I was selfish - I believed what the prophecy said and I was willing to do anything to fulfil it."

"Don't you anymore?"

Roslin shook her head. "I'm really not sure what I believe right now."

"Well ... as hard as it was, I think we did the right thing."

"You do?" Roslin was shocked.

"I believe in the gods and the scriptures. You may have laid the path out for me and nudged me towards it, but I was the one who decided to go. Whatever price I paid for that, it was mine to pay. My decision, my consequences."

Roslin regarded her with a mixture of awe and amusement. "I never expected you to react this way. I figured you'd yell at me ... not want to speak to me ..."

"Well, if there's one thing I've learned from the Commander, it's that you have to accept the consequences of your actions."

"And it's a good lesson. Bill Adama is a very wise man."

"Yes he is," Kara said firmly.

"You've forgiven him?" Roslin asked carefully, noting the passion with which she spoke.

"How could I not?" Kara smiled. "I love him. He means the world to me."

"I'm glad," Roslin said warmly. "I'd hate to be what keeps you apart. I think he loves you just as much as you love him. It would hurt him greatly if you remained angry with him."

Kara smiled. "I don't think I could if I tried."

"I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me too."

Kara shot her a frustrated look. "I never blamed you so there's nothing to forgive. What was done to me was done by the cylons - you had nothing to do with it."

"But it would never have happened in the first place if I hadn't sent you," Roslin said sorrowfully. "And you and Captain Apollo might be getting along a little better too."

A pained look crossed Kara's face. It didn't go unnoticed by Roslin, who had already noted her still blotchy face, and had suspected he was the reason for it.

"Speaking of Lee ... I was on my way to see him when I was paged to come here."

"I won't keep you then," Roslin said. Impulsively she reached over and took Kara's hand in hers. "Make things right with him," she pleaded. "I hate to see the two of you so upset. It's not good for the Commander either."

Kara smiled sadly, blinking back tears. "I will."

ooooooooooooooooooo

She tapped on the office door lightly and opened it immediately, not expecting anyone to be there.

"Come i ..." Lee started. "Don't wait for an answer now," he added sarcastically. "Oh!" he exclaimed as he realized who it was. He dropped his pen and came around to the front of his desk as Kara came in and shut the door behind her.

They stood staring at one another for a moment before she spoke. "Can we talk?"

Lee's heart ached already. She looked and sounded so vulnerable - so unlike the Kara he'd always known. How did we get here? he wondered. Where all we feel is pain when we're together? What happened to the easy, fun friendship we used to have?

"Sure," was all he said though. It was her turn to talk, but he hoped he'd have a chance to have his say. And that they wouldn't part angry at one another again.

Kara's eyes darted here, there and everywhere - anywhere but directly at Lee. Now that she was here, she had no idea how to begin. Her fingers began their nervous twining again.

"Kara ...?" Lee said softly, when a few minutes had gone by and she still hadn't spoken.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Lee." The words tumbled out along with a flood of tears. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you - I didn't mean..."

"Kara, it's okay. I understand," Lee interrupted, giving her a small smile.

"I was so horrible to you ..." she choked and sputtered, unable to finish her sentence.

"I deserved it. I was the one who was cruel to you. I should never have yelled at you - never should have hit you - gods Kara, I'm so sorry ..." The tears pooled in his eyes.

Kara walked forward suddenly and put her arms around Lee's neck. He gave a sudden sob and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding tightly as the tears fell.

They stood together for a few moments, forgiveness flowing through their tears. Kara pulled away slightly to look Lee in the face. "We really have been awful to each other, haven't we?" she asked softly.

"Worse," he agreed, a sad chuckle forcing it's way out. He moved a hand up from her waist to caress her bruised cheek. "I never meant to hurt you Kara. You mean the world to me," he whispered.

"I know," she smiled weakly, allowing him to continue, through her heart pounded in fear.

"I know I hurt you more than I can ever begin to imagine, and I know it's going to take a long time before you'll be able to trust me again, but I don't want to lose you." Lee's voice broke towards the end, and he stifled a sniffle as tears formed in his eyes again.

"You're right, it will be a while," she said sadly. "But I don't want to lose you either - I miss our friendship. I hope we can get it back too."

He looked at her solemnly. "I promise I will never hurt you again Kara. Not for anything."

"I know. But it's still going to take a while ..."

He looked tenderly at her. "I'm willing to wait as long as it takes."

She brushed a hand over his cheek softly, then pulled away, as if embarrassed. "I really should go ... clean up ..." She pointed at the doorway. "I've got work ... I should get back ..."

"Yeah, me too," Lee said, blushing as he backed up and moved behind his desk again. "So, I'll see you later then?" he added hopefully.

Kara smiled shyly. "Count on it."

TBC