Young Chagnystein

by ghostwritten2

PARODY, written in screenplay format. POTO characters take on the Young Frankenstein plot, and the monster gets the girl. I have no idea where this came from. Really, really silly. And now for something completely different. COMPLETE.

2. Chapter 2

Young Chagnystein
A Parody
Part II of III

7. - INT. NIGHT – SECRET LABORATORY

A giant BOX bearing the words "Build Your Own Phantom Kit – Deluxe! Includes Batteries!" is standing in the middle of the SECRET LABORATORY. It is tied with a BLACK RIBBON and has a RED ROSE on top of it.

CHRISTINE
Oooh! Shiny!

RAOUL
I've got a bad feeling about this.

CHRISTINE
No, it's a great idea! It is, it is, it is, I'm sure it is.

RAOUL gives CHRISTINE a LOOK. She doesn't notice.

FRAU GIRY appears on the stairs. She wrestles with FIRMAN for the VIOLIN, and wins.

GIRY
It is your destiny!

RAOUL
Destiny? Destiny? No escaping that for me?

GIRY
Yes!

RAOUL
Then you –

GIRY
Yes!

RAOUL
And my grandfather –

GIRY
Yes!

RAOUL
So you –

GIRY
Yes! Yes! Say it! Say it!

RAOUL
I'm trying to, but you won't let me finish a sentence.

GIRY
He was my – employer!

FRAU GIRY plays a NOTE OF SHOCK AND SURPRISE on the VIOLIN.

FIRMAN
So it was your cigar smoldering in the ashtray!

GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE
What?

FIRMAN
Never mind.

RAOUL (Suddenly enthused)
It! Could! Work! My name – is SHANYEE!

---

8. - INT. MORNING – THE BREAKFAST TABLE

RAOUL is reading a BOOK titled "Opera Ghosts for Dummies", with the word "Dummies" crossed out and "Fops" written above it in Sharpie, presumably by FRAU GIRY, a known enabler.

RAOUL (Reading)
"Blah blah blah pseudo-scientific stuff of which I don't understand a word." Good thing I have assistants.

CHRISTINE
He'll have an enormous schwanzstucker.

FIRMAN
No, that's only in phics.

CHRISTINE
What do you think this is?

FIRMAN
Good point.

CHRISTINE
Voof.

RAOUL
I don't even want to know.

---

9. - INT. DAY – SECRET LABORATORY

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN troop down again to the SECRET LABORATORY. RAOUL has stayed up most of the night, assembling the Build Your Own Phantom Kit. The assembled PHANTOM lies on the SLAB. A WHITE MASK covers part of his face.

CHRISTINE
What happened to his face?

RAOUL
That's a good question. Firman? I mean, Throat-Warbler Mangrove?

FIRMAN
I dropped the head.

RAOUL
What is that you are telling me? You dropped the head?

FIRMAN
But I ran out and got a replacement.

RAOUL
You say you ran out and got a replacement?

FIRMAN
If you don't stop that, I'm going to smack you, Viscomte or no. And don't try speaking in italics, either.

RAOUL
You started it with that Cesar business. What kind of head did you get?

FIRMAN
Abby someone. Abby Normal, that was it.

RAOUL
You're telling me we put an abnormal head on this Phantom?

FIRMAN
I said to stop that! And, well - yes.

RAOUL
Hmm…okay. Maybe that will keep Christine off – hey!

CHRISTINE approaches the PHANTOM, appearing fascinated. She reaches for the MASK.

CHRISTINE
Who is this shape in the shadows? Whose is the face in the mask?

RAOUL and FIRMAN
Don't touch that!

CHRISTINE
Huh? Why not?

FIRMAN
Not a good idea. Trust me on this.

RAOUL
Okay, then – ready? Batteries!

FIRMAN hands RAOUL some BATTERIES. He inserts them into the PHANTOM's neck, then presses an "ON" button. Nothing happens.

FIRMAN
Loose connection there.

RAOUL
More than one, if you ask me.

CHRISTINE
Hey!

RAOUL (Pointing to the PHANTOM)
Not you! Him!

CHRISTINE
…Oh.

FIRMAN (Thoughtfully)
Maybe you didn't angst enough. I think you have to do that a lot to get these to work.

CHRISTINE grabs the PHANTOM's hips and starts singing to him.

CHRISTINE
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn!

RAOUL bursts into tears.

FIRMAN
That ought to do it.

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN wait. Nothing happens. They start back up the stairs, but suddenly mysterious music begins to play.

RAOUL (to FIRMAN)
Is that you again?

FIRMAN
Not this time.

---

10. - INT. DAY – SECRET LABORATORY (AGAIN)

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN run back down the stairs. The PHANTOM is playing his theme song on a LARGE ORGAN.

RAOUL
Do not. Make the schwanzstucker joke again. Do not.

FIRMAN
Hey - he's not supposed to touch that thing!

RAOUL kicks FIRMAN.

FIRMAN
I wasn't!

CHRISTINE (To PHANTOM)
Hi, Phanny!

PHANTOM
Did you just call me Fanny?

CHRISTINE
Well, you don't have a name in this…so yeah.

PHANTOM
Don't.

CHRISTINE.
Okay. I'll do this instead!

CHRISTINE rips off the PHANTOM's MASK.

PHANTOM
Don't do that either! Aaaaarrgh!

The PHANTOM runs amok. CHRISTINE faints. The PHANTOM absconds with her down a hallway marked THIS WAY TO THE LAIR.

RAOUL and FIRMAN look at each other.

RAOUL
Bit defective, I'm thinking.

FIRMAN
The girl or the monster?

RAOUL
Yes.

FIRMAN
Right.

VOICE FROM UPSTAIRS:
Yoooo-hoooo!

RAOUL and FIRMAN troop back upstairs. Again.