Chapter 1
Who's who in Harry Potter (or who to go to in a lightning storm if you want to live)
Firstly those of you who have come by this book by evil means (and means other than buying it) this is your last warning to stop reading before bad things start to happen…last chance!
Okay well firstly it seems a good place to start with a general who's who of Harry Potter.
Obviously there is the hero…or the boy-who-just-won't-die, or so you would be led to believe, however it is wise to note now that he is in fact a prick and is at his most pricky when staying in his Godfather's house and believing he is gods gift to the world…he was in fact Lily's gift to the world and during his prick phase you could see her turning in her grave. He can be recognised by the lightning shaped scar on his forehead and the fact that everyone keeps staring at him for varying reasons…note he is not the heir to Slytherin…he just has a very poor sense of direction.
If there is a hero…there must be a villain…so I introduce you to Tom Marvolo Riddle…aka You-know-who and he-who-cannot-be-named and Lord Voldemort…Voldie to reckless fan girls. There will be a chapter later on dedicated to the complex character that he is so I won't waste time now. However he can be recognised by the rows of bowing people laid out before his feet and the lack of hair and his striking resemblance to Christian Coulson and Ralph Fiennes.
In dealing with the shades of grey that exist between good and evil you eventually fall upon Severus Snape, the Greasy haired git with elaborate holiday plans and seemingly void of royal blood (this is important later on), how for all intents and purposes can only ever be evil because he is a cowardly gimp, but this is covered in the Why Greasy Haired Gits are not your Friends Chapter.
Sirius Black, part dog and spokes man for pedigree chum, part wizard, part wanted criminal, part ghost man…percentages are yet to be confirmed for the purposes of a pie chart.
Remus Lupin, substitute DADA Professor and Werewolf on the weekends…that coincide with the full moon…erm…yes…well it happens, just don't start telling him what enormous teeth he has…or introduce him to your Grandmother and if either or both occur then make sure there is a huntsman on hand for assistance…Hagrid will suffice.
Hagrid, Gamekeeper and player of checkers. Keeper of giant spiders (whose children then try and eat him), owner of Fang…the vampire dog…and someone who has always wanted a dragon…as you can see sense does not run in his family or in his head…if you wish to make it through to chapter 2 then avoiding Hagrid is always a wise idea…unless you have complimented Lupin's teeth or taken your Grandmother (complete with stuffed vulture hat, red handbag and green dress) to see him…Hagrid will be very useful then. It is also well documented that he shouldn't have said that.
Professor Albus Dumbledore, he has a thing for sherbet lemons that nobody quite understands and for some unknown reason cannot see the prick phase that Harry progress through…or if he does he chooses to ignore it…also the only wizard, being, man, creature, thing, that Lord Voldemort (Or Voldie) fears because of his uncanny ability to look through glass…erm…yes…and as Headmaster of Hogwarts is a good friend for evading detention so greasy haired gits can't lock you up in their dungeons.
If you should find yourself a float in a sea of ginger then do not disappear! You have not stumbled into the nightmare of Geri Halliwell and Chris Evans breeding but the Weasley family may have descended upon you, which given the alternative is a godsend! Upon encountering the Weasley family it must be remembered that not all Weasley's are good…some are nice and friendly, others would sell you to advance their own career –cough- Percy –cough- some would turn you into a moulting canary then sell you to a small mining company before the feathers all disappeared, but on the whole the Weasleys are the good guys and actually the majority of them are very good looking too so being all amongst them even though it is a sea of ginger is actually a very good thing…watch out for Ginny though…she was banned from having a diary for a reason and it is not just because it didn't co-ordinate with Bill's earring…
And to finish the small and briefly scratching the surface of who's who but enough to make you either want to run away screaming, stab the authoress continually with a blunt machete or read on with great anticipation is Hermionie 'Know-it-all' Granger aka Ron's one true love that neither one will admit to. Book worm, so easy to buy Christmas presents for, very smart so don't try to out do her or there will be a world of hurt and bungee cords do not snap accidentally. She is also seemingly the only wizard or witch able to actually practise any practical magic…it's almost as if there weren't such things as witches and wizards…
On a small side note, if you stole this book or did not by any means pay for it then about know you will be starting to feel flushed every so slightly and the hair on your toes will now be 3 foot in length.