Chapter 2
What you need to Survive (or why stealing is never a good idea)
Firstly before going anywhere in the wizarding world you are going to need a wand and not any wand will do…this means no stealing other people's wands because that can lead to real trouble as all wands now come with anti-theft curses after Barty Crouch Jr. stole the boy-who-just-won't-die's wand…careless prick, spoilt it for everyone…but back to buying (and I emphasis buying) a wand of your very own. If you can't afford an Olivander's wand, then one from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes would suffice (as long as you don't go taking on dark wizards before you can afford a proper one, rubber chickens and halibuts aren't the best thing to try and defend yourself with from an army of death eating maniacs, unless you plan to kill them with laughter…)
As well as a wand, a spell book is also essential (well actually two or more is preferable…but draw the line way before fifty or you'll end you developing a hunchback after trying to carry them all around…see Why Books are Bad for the Back for more details…and when you are weighed down by books it's really difficult to run away from danger quickly, though they do make very good pillows, shields and depending on the thickness or amount of testosterone in the pages…good weapons, but this may make your wand obsolete and you don't want to wish you hadn't spent all that money on a twig with a feather in the middle of it when a book can do more damage)
Though you may think you are ready to step out into the world of Harry Potter, you aren't quite prepared. Though you have your wand and your spell book(s), there is something more important than both of these that you will need…a list; a checklist to be precise. No expedition into untold danger with high adventure, high risk, high seas and high inflations rates can even be attempted without a list having first been compiled, after all everything starts with a list…shopping…pros and cons…shopping…suspect investigation…shopping…VIP list…shopping…guest list…shopping…Cast list…and shopping to name but a few.
Now on with the list, the list can be of anything, your favourite football teams, your favourite perfumes, what you need to carry in order to ward off a death eater attack, how many pairs of shoes you have in your wardrobe, the worst films ever made; anything! Personally I find the third is a waste of time…everyone knows what you need to carry in order to ward of a death eater attack; Garlic, daisies and a book of quotes from Dad's Army…along with a halibut. You may ask yourself what is the point in carrying the list…if you aren't going to use it as a checklist then what is the point in carrying it? Well the answer is obvious; if Hermionie suggests something, you can respond, let me check my list and reply no it's not on here you must be wrong, this will then send her into a colossal panic about not being the smartest and you and Ron can watch with great amusement whilst Harry thinks about how special he is…erm…yes…but that is the purpose of the list.
Sherbet Lemons are another important part of the Harry Potter Survival Kit. They contain a magical ability that is uncanny and no wizard yet fully understands, save one of course. When you throw a Sherbet lemon on the ground out of it's wrapper, Dumbledore will suddenly appear and smite the fool who would waste such a precious gem of lemony goodness. It's quite a remarkable sight…especially if you are using Umbridge as a shield.
A good disguise is also useful, some people are naturally gifted in the art of disguise, the authoress for example can look like herself, Famke Janssen and Professor McGonagall, its quite surprising, you may have what shall be hence forth known as the 'Tonks' ability and be able to change your facial appearance, hair colour etc by wanting to, or you may just have gone down to your local shop and bought a set of robes (make sure they aren't counterfeit robes coz wizards can tell the difference, they aren't 'I can't believe it's not butter') and put them on and started carrying around your wand and spell books. Though it is only fair I warn you, you could get locked up for that.
A broomstick is something else that may come in useful whilst in the wizarding world. Not only can it sweep paths on command, making cleaning your dormitory and kitchen floor a breeze without having to bring in small woodland creatures to help, but if you choose the right model it will fight all your fights for you and even help you win and Quidditch (there are some rumours that non-flying brooms have been put into production to try and curb the viscous Quidditch fights breaking out between four young men, one dressed in red, another in green, one in blue, the other kind of spectral and dressed in yellow, but so far nothing has come of this). The best Broomstick to buy would be one that has the Ron Weasley stamp of approval, or for those of you not familiar with this concept; anything that can make him say
"Bloody Hell!"
If you fail to receive this exclamation you have not received the Ron Weasley stamp of approval, which is a shame, because it really is quite nice. It is also important for the reader to note that the Percy Weasley stamp of approval will not suffice (though the Chris Rankin stamp of approval might).
Other items that you may want to have on your person at any one time during your stay in the magical world are: -
The marauders' map – it has lots of pretty pictures in case you get bored and can help you find people if you lose them in big crowds or in the dark or you just really want to avoid someone
Any product from WWW or Weasley Wizard Wheezes. You never know when you'll need some form of distraction, act of vengeance, something to cover a cowardly escape or something that will make you laugh…it's also nice to go and see Fred and George.
A pocket handkerchief
The Angel DVD box set
A rare Roman coin
A commemorative plate from some event within modern history – the World Wars, Jubilees, Birthdays, Royal Weddings, Plastic Father Christmas Buffet trays…
A single chopstick
A coaster
A typewriter
A bunch of daises
A French Onion sellers bicycle
A Beret
Inspector Closseau's moustache
A curtain hook
A length of fishing line
A pair of sunglasses
A rare Victorian ring
Something shiny
A clock
An eye patch
And a miscellaneous kitchen item
If you have collected all these items and placed them in your school trunk, your Mary Poppins type satchel or you just brought them along in the kitchen bath, then you are ready brave souls to continue to Chapter 3 and see what danger awaits you there. Oliver Wood reminds you not to forget your broomstick. If you are not ready then go sit and wait for the bus.
For those of you still reading and were moraleless and instead of buying this book like good little Slytherins should, neglected to pay for it then along with the grotesque 3 foot hair on your toes and your slight flush you will develop the irresistible urge to stand on your head whilst chanting 'It's a small world after all.'
It is not too late to go and have the curses removed by paying for this book…however by going past the…it is now too late and you are, for want of a better word…buggered.