Chapter 3
Your First Day Out (or life could be a dream if it hadn't turned into a T rated nightmare)
Well congratulations and a big thumbs up are in order to the reader! You have passed the survival-training…wait a minute…no that comes later…stupid list not being in order…but you have made it to chapter 3, which means you survived the introduction, you managed to get to grips with Who's who, and you successfully managed to compile a list of your very own, not steal a wand and acquire all the items listed for your survival kit. As a reward you not only get to read chapter 3 but you also get this small book of Morecambe and Wise quotes…they'd run out of Dad's Army and Monty Python quotes books in Flourish and Blotts and Woolworths have banned all wizards after the toffee and sherbet lemons incident…anyway you get a book free without having to steal it, lucky you!
Now on your first day out in the wizarding world you will need to travel down to London on the train. Now in order to take the train you will need a ticket and in order to make the ticket you need to have been to Diagon Alley in London…ah well erm you could always buy one at the ticket office I suppose…but that isn't very magical now is it? Once you get to London, you need to locate the Leaky Cauldron pub, to do this you should follow somebody who looks like they don't belong in the muggle world…just be careful because not all these people are wizards and it can lead to some strange situations sometimes, especially if the people you are following are foreign…the Scottish and Welsh don't take too kindly to stalking, the Irish don't mind as long as you buy them a drink and everyone else you can run away from, but still whilst you've been following the wrong person you could have found the pub!
Once you have found the Leaky Cauldron you need to order a drink, preferably an alcoholic one because being in London and having had to follow people you will need a drink, Gin and Tonic is always good for you but I wouldn't recommend the dry sherry. Now once you've had your drink go outside, but not out the front or you'll have to come back in again and buy another drink. Go out the back door and you'll see a wall. Now there are two ways in which you can get through this wall that do not require any heavy machinery. The first of which is to tap the bricks in the right order so they open up and let you through. The second way is to jump the wall.
Once you have jumped the wall you will need to find yourself and apothecary to heal all your broken bones and bandage all the scratches you have…you really should have tapped the bricks. In any case you will then need to get yourself some wizards gold.
Take out the rare Victorian ring and go and see Griphook the Goblin in the large white building at the end of the street…no the president doesn't live there, it's the bank. Now it is a little known fact about Griphook but he is the head of a Victorian jewellery wizarding black market. The rare ring you have is worth over 10,000 galleons which is enough to get you started in the wizarding world before you can make some real money, but anyway he will try to haggle with you and tell you it is only worth 5,000, maybe even 2,500 but don't listen to him, instead turn around and flap your arms like a chicken before saying 'Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub', he will come around very quickly and give you the ten thousand galleons. Now would be a good time to open a bank account to save that money in so you don't get robbed the moment you turn around and see hard up Slytherins gazing at your piles of gold. Keep around one hundred galleons out of your account to go shopping with and don't forget to put your key somewhere safe…under your mattress doesn't count, somewhere sensible like in your shoe or under your hat, the hem of your robes will not suffice.
Now you have money you won't need to steal and you won't be thrown in Azkaban, good for you! The first thing you need to buy is a carrier pigeon. They are much less conspicuous than owls and are much harder to stop from delivering messages, if Mutley can't do it, nobody can. The Owl Emporium is really a cover for a pigeon smuggling operation being run by one Ludo Bagman, so your best bet for getting one is to go in there. Once in there, stamp your left foot twice and your right foot once, raise your right arm and wiggle your nose. Nod twice and wink with your left eye, then turn around. You will then be led into a back room to take your choice of the pigeons in stock. If people begin to stare at you and lead their children by the hand away from you, this can only be a good thing as most children are brats.
Now you have your pigeon, which you should have paid 3 galleons for, anymore and you've been had, you need to buy an owl. It would look odd if you didn't have one and if you choose to retire from wizardry you have the makings of your own courier service to rival Parcel Force and UPS.
Now you have your birds you need to go and buy potions ingredients, tell the shopkeeper you will take one of everything and you will get a discount, but it won't be a five fingered one and it will save you having to read a pointless list (yes there is such a thing, I was surprised too). Once you have bought all these you will need a rest so go out of the Leaky Cauldron and come back in again.
After having your drink you will now need to look into getting some form of sidekick who will carry all your shopping, tell you all your ideas are brilliant and generally make yourself feel bigger…especially since the boy-who-just-won't-die doesn't have one, he has a best friend instead, but you can be greedy and have both.
In order to obtain said sidekick you need to have a lure. Take out your something shiny and use it to catch the light. This will attract the attention of the perfect sidekick and by giving them ice cream you will seal the deal. Congratulations on joining the historical trade of slavery! By having a sidekick you are endorsing slavery and as such receive two curse coupons and a discount at all Knockturn Alley shops. You now have also decided that you will be sorted into the Slytherin house so go and have another drink, you've earnt it and you've also survived your first day in the wizarding world. Whatever money you have left you can go spend on what you like, my treat.
When you get home go to bed and sleep for a full eight hours, ask your sidekick to wake you in the morning so that you can read on to Chapter 4!
For those of unscrupulous nature before being duped into entering the slave trade, those of you who stole this book will now begin to sprout feathers as you stand on your head with a slight flush and three foot hair on your feet chanting 'It's a small world after all'.