A COMEDY OF CLICHES
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters were created by JK Rowling and are copyrighted to their rightful owners. There is no copyright infringement intended by this fanfic. The style I used for writing this is an imitation of the format Lord Chaos (from the Sailor Moon fandom) uses when he's introducing a new fanfic.
Rated R for mature content. General spoilers apply.
Summary: A Draco and Hermione romance that's bursting with cliches and hormones. Add in other whacked out couples and my off color humor, and this is what you get! (For the record, this is a parody.)
IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!
This fanfic, "A Comedy of Cliches," was removed from FanfictionNet a couple of months ago for reasons that were never made clear to me, other than my content exceeded the level of the rating. Whatever that means. So I've edited the 'fic to clean up the spelling, fixed the random capitalization and change the rating level.
What you're about to read is just a preview for the 'fic, with scenes taken from the five chapters that I have written so far. In the next week I plan to upload the chapters that were removed, and then add the new chapters that I've written since then. Once the chapters come up, this preview will go away (though you might be able to find it at my site, I dunno)
Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and two more boys and a Greasy Git of a Potions Master who had an abnormal fascination with the Wise Headmaster. There was also a Werewolf, a Violent Tree and a Sex Fiend House Elf, but this is not their story. And there are appearances by the Gentle Giant and an Transgender Advice Giver, but this also is not a tale about them. This, Gentle Reader, is the story about a boy and girl, a Train, two more boys, a Broom Stick Closet, a Common Room, a Large Bat and a Nosy, Matchmaking Professor.
WHILE HORMONES CONTROL HOGWARTS
"You can't just leave me, Blaise! I gave you the best two weeks of my life!" Professor Vector near screamed.
Much more composed, Blaise, still sporting a Penis, arched an elegant Slytherin brow. "And it was a great two weeks, Professor. But it's over now."
"Found greener pastures, have you?" The Arithmancy professor asked, her lip trembling as she suppressed her tears.
"Something like that," Blaise murmured, his eyes straying to the table next to him. His gaze caught on Professor Snape, who was eating his morning porridge, oblivious to what was going on.
Finally succumbing to her tears, Professor Vector fled the room weeping, almost knocking over Mary as she entered.
AND AN ENEMY HIDES NEARBY
In the Gryffindor common room Ron and Harry and the other Seventh Year boys were talking to the transfer Student, Mary Seraphina Kali Sue. After her parents had tragically dropped dead, she had realized that far from being a spoiled brat with minimal writing talent, she was part witch, part Veela, part Mermaid. Fearing her potential power, Lord Voldemort had kidnapped her as a baby and sent her to live in New York. Now Professor Snape had adopted her and brought her to attend Hogwarts. Harry rather thought she looked a lot his mum.
As Mary told her story, the Gryffindor boys became increasingly sleepy. Eventually they fell asleep near the fireplace, leaving Mary all alone. Checking that she was truly alone, Mary tiptoed up to the Seventh Year boys' dormitory. There she began to systematically look through Harry's Trunk.
Grimacing as he pulled out a picture of a naked Draco Malfoy from between the pages of Harry's transfiguration textbook, Voldemort couldn't help but laugh a bit. In fact, he couldn't help giggling like the maniacal, evil wizard that he was.
A CERTAIN BLOND SLYTHERIN WILL DISCOVER LOVE
The past seventeen years hadn't really belonged to him. They had belonged to the body-snatchers, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy (not necessarily in that order). But on this sunny summer morning Draco realized that he was wrong. His attitude towards muggles, mudbloods and the world in general had been completely askew.
And this soul-changing epiphany had been brought on by the life-altering realization that he loved Hermione Granger.
The last six years had been nothing more than his childish attempts to gain her attention. The hexing of her friends, the name-calling, the insults, the voyeurism, it had all been an effort to make her look and see beyond the smirk. See beyond the shiny blond hair and heart-stopping gray eyes. To see the real Draco Malfoy. The lonely child of selfish and evil and abusive parents.
This year, however, would be different. Draco realized as he hummed along to the birds' tune, that he would forever turn his back on his family and heritage. He would win Hermione's love and devotion. He would help defeat the Dark Lord and save the world. And, if there was time, have some amazing, soul-bonding sex.
AS HERMIONE DISCOVERS LIFE
At the beginning of summer, Hermione had discovered a cousin she never knew existed. One sunny July morning, Hermione's cousin Cecile, who had until then conveniently lived in Italy, came knocking on the Grangers' door. Now, Cecile was a couple of years older than Hermione, and tended to walk on the wild side more than Hermione thought fun. But Hermione was tired of being a goody-two-shoes. And thus she decided to rebel.
Hermione's first step was to slather on a good amount of her Frizz-Be-Gone Potion. Her next step was to visit a local boutique and buy some well padded bras and a pair of leather pants. And so that night, armed with a red halter top, Hermione set out with her cousin to set the town on fire.
Cecile took Hermione to a small night club and ordered the first round of drinks. Deciding no none at Hogwarts would ever find out, and her reputation would never be blackened (thusly harming her chances at being Head Girl), Hermione put aside her doubts and started throwing back drinks.
Several shots of hard liquor later, Hermione decided she was sufficiently drunk enough to get onto the dance floor. Though when leering men swarmed around her, this Author could not in good conscience call it dancing so much clothed sex.
Soon Hermione was set upon by a tall, blond man. In the dim lighting of the club, however, Hermione could not see his face clearly. But when he pulled her into his big, strong arms for a dance, Hermione certainly liked everything she felt on him.
As you can imagine, Gentle Reader, one thing led to another thing, and soon Hermione and her mystery dance partner found themselves in a dark corner of the club. Heavy breathing ensued, as well as some moaning and, of course, lots of groping.
LIMITS WILL BE TESTED
"Where've you been, Hermione?" Ron inquired.
Hermione sat beside Harry and rested her feet on the opposite bench. "Malfoy was hexing some third year Hufflepuffs."
"Lavender told us that there's a Seventh Year transfer student," Ron informed her. "Came over from the US. Really shiny, multi-colored hair."
"Oooh, what's her name?" Hermione asked.
Ron paused to think. "Sue, I think."
"No, Ron," Harry interrupted. "Her name's Mary."
"I can't wait to meet her," Hermione squealed. "I'm long over due for a new best friend. Ginny is rather unpopular among fanfiction writers. I do hope Mary, or Sue, or whatever her name is, listens to Good Charlotte!"
Harry shrugged, his glasses fogging up as he stared at Hermione's robes where they were too tight against her impressive chest. "I heard she wrote songs for Evanescence."
"Never heard of 'em," Ron said.
Hermione considered this for a moment. "Neither have I."
"We should be arriving at Hogwarts soon." Harry commented.
AND YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT HOGWARTS THE SAME WAY AGAIN
"I would like to announce my pending engagement to Dobby."
Quietness settled over the large chamber. Dumbledore stood beaming, his hand in Dobby's. The silence was broken by a commotion at the professor's table. Hagrid rose quickly, his chair falling back, its clatter echoing through the Hall. Without a word he fled the room, blubbering as he ran. Professor Snape, who sat at the edge of the table close to the exit, rose slowly. He looked paler than usual. Gripping his throat he made a strangled sound as he stared at Dumbledore, a stricken look on his face. Turning, he swept out of the room, his robes billowing around him like wings. Blaise, sporting an impressive pair of breasts, rose from her seat beside Draco. She strode from the room, presumably off to find and comfort Snape.
Seemingly unaffected by the effect of his announcement, Dumbledore concluded, "A wedding date has not been set as yet, but we will keep you all up to date."
As Dumbledore sat Professor McGonagall rose and took his place at the podium. Her hands fluttering in front of her, she stammered, "We-we all w-wish you the b-best, Professor Dumbledore!" She applauded weakly, accompanied by only a few others.
Hermione turned to Ron. "Were you expecting that?"
"God, no. I could have sworn Dobby was in love with Harry."
"I'm sitting right here," Harry said from the other side of Ron.
Ignoring his bestfriend, Ron mused aloud, "I wonder why Hagrid left so suddenly."
Across the table Ginny shrugged. "Perhaps he was overcome with emotion."
Nodding, Ron replied, "Yes, Hagrid has always been extra emotional where Dumbledore was concerned."
Neville looked skeptical. "I don't think that's it."
A COMEDY OF CLICHES
"Hogwarts will be putting on a play at the end of the term," Professor McGonagall informed them. "Suggestions may be submitted to myself or Professor Flitwick."
Jewel
April 19th, 2005