A Comedy of Cliches
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters were created by JK Rowling, and are copyrighted (©) to its rightful owners. There is no copyright infringement intended by this fanfic.

Set in 7th Year. Standard spoilers apply.

Summary: A Draco and Hermione romance full of cliches and hormones. Some crude and odd humor. Basically me using my weird wit to poke fun at some common Harry Potter 'fic plots.

Chapter One:
Of Epiphanies And Badges

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and two more boys and a Greasy Git of a Potions Master who had an abnormal fascination with the Wise Headmaster. There was also a Werewolf, a Violent Tree and a Sex Fiend House Elf, but this is not their story. And there are appearances by the Gentle Giant and an Transgender Advice Giver, but this also is not a tale about them. This, Gentle Reader, is the story about a boy and girl, a Train, two more boys, a Broom Stick Closet, a Common Room, a Large Bat and a Nosy, Matchmaking Professor.

It all began the summer before Seventh Year. In a distant land known as Wiltshire resided a certain blond Slytherin. One bright and sunny morning the birds were happily chirping and the air was scented lilacs and Draco Malfoy awoke to a jarring, nerve-wrecking, mind-numbing, blood-pumping epiphany. He had been living a lie.

The past seventeen years hadn't really belonged to him. They had belonged to the body-snatchers, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy (not necessarily in that order). But on this sunny summer morning Draco realized that he was wrong. His attitude towards muggles, mudbloods and the world in general had been completely askew.

And this soul-changing epiphany had been brought on by the life-altering realization that he loved Hermione Granger.

The last six years had been nothing more than his childish attempts to gain her attention. The hexing of her friends, the name-calling, the insults, the voyeurism, it had all been an effort to make her look and see beyond the smirk. See beyond the shiny blond hair and heart-stopping gray eyes. To see the real Draco Malfoy. The lonely child of selfish and evil and abusive parents.

This year, however, would be different. Draco realized as he hummed along to the birds' tune, that he would forever turn his back on his family and heritage. He would win Hermione's love and devotion. He would help defeat the Dark Lord and save the world. And, if there was time, have some amazing, soul-bonding sex.

Fate, despite being known as cruel, was decidedly on Draco's side. For that same morning, upon rising from bed and trotting downstairs to dutifully receive his morning whipping and beration from his father, received his letter from Hogwarts. Along with a school list there was the letter announcing that Draco would be Head Boy this year.

Head Boy would mean sharing a common room with the Head Girl. Who would most likely be one bushy-haired Know-It-All Gryffindor. Oh, Draco thought (swooning from either the idea or the blood loss from his beating), I will finally have the chance to make Hermione drool over my bulging muscles!

As it would happen, that same bright morning Hermione Granger was sitting in her parents' garden picking wild flowers and destroying them. I love Ron, she thought, picking off one petal from a yellow flower. No, she thought, picking off another petal, I love Harry. But wait, no, I love--

Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a brown barn owl bearing a large package. With an undignified squeal Hermione jumped to her feet and expertly caught the package as the owl released it from its talons before it took to the air again. Hurriedly Hermione ripped open the package to find her latest supply of Frizz-Be-Gone Hair Potion and her dietary supplements guaranteed to giver her sexy curves to be drooled over.

Hermione was still dizzy with uncharacteristic joy when another owl delivered an official looking envelope. Along with the standard school list for students entering Seventh Year, a bright, shiny badge fell out the envelope.

"Mum! Mum!" Hermione yelled, running back into her house. "I've been made Head Girl!"

Hermione stopped short at the entrance to the living room. Her parents were lying on the floor, motionless. "Merlin's Kidneys!" Hermione cried, falling bonelessly to the floor. "They're dead! The Death Eaters have killed my parents! "

In a frenzy Hermione turned and ran to the foyer. "Lady Of The Lake's Ears! Now they're going to rape me! Dumbledore's Sweet Tooth! Where is my savior!"

"Hermione!" Her mother yelled. "Hermione, dear, what's all this noise you're making?"

"Who's here to rape you?" Her father bellowed, standing right behind Hermione's mother.

"Mum! Dad!" Hermione exclaimed, rushing over to pull them into a hug. "You're alive!"

"Well yes," answered her Father. "Why would you think we were dead?"

Hermione stepped back from her Parents. "You were both on the floor! And you weren't moving!"

"Oh, that," her Mother said, waving a hand dismissively. "My contact fell and your father was helping me looked for it. Then we were debating whether or not we should do something about the ceiling. I would much rather a mint green decor. What do you think, dear?"

Hermione merely smiled back happily. "I'm just happy that the Death Eaters didn't get you! And goodness, I shan't be raped!"

"I would bloody well hope not!" Hermione's father said, his face still red at the thought of his daughter being violated.

"Now, Hermione, is that what I think it is in your hand?" Her mother asked.

"Certainly not the shower head!" Hermione quickly said before realizing she was holding her Head Girl badge. "Oh, this. Right. I'm Head Girl!"

Later that afternoon the two aforementioned boys lounged in an empty room in the Black house. The two boys grinned at each other before whipping out their wands. No, Dear Reader, remove your mind from the lower bowels of the streets. The two boys were currently engaged in a Wizarding duel.

Predictably they both stopped at summons of Mrs. Weasley's shouts. "Boys! Oh boys! I need you both in here for a second!"

Putting their wands back into their pockets the boys followed Mrs. Weasley's excited shouts to the Kitchen. "Mum?"

"Oh, Ron! You've been made a prefect again!"

The red-haired Boy grinned and triumphantly grabbed the shiny badge from his mother's hand. "Yes! I'm a prefect! Another year of sharing a bathroom with Draco! Oh, those muscles!"

"Ron, you're drooling like a little school boy!" Harry Potter whispered to his friend. "And you said that last part too loudly."

Too dazzled by the utter shininess of his new badge, Ron ignored his best friend. Which suited Harry just fine as he turned back to Mrs. Weasley. Harry grinned broadly as he waited for the Head Boy badge.

"Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, "Here's your school list."

Harry's face fell. "Don't I get a shiny badge, too?"

Ron scowled at this. "Oh Harry, can't you let me shine for once!"

"But I thought I would be Head Boy. And then Hermione would be Head Girl and I could share a common room with her," Harry said sadly. "Aww..."

"Don't you think I wanted that, too?" Ron asked. "She's sure to have bought that new potion for instant curves. Damnit, another year of having to spy on Dean's."

And thus, Gentle Reader, began our tale...

.End Of Chapter One.

Author's Notes:
- Originally, this 'fic included random capitalization. However, it is extremely difficult to decide which words should be capitalized, and then comb through the 'fic and do so. It's even harder to take them out. So, for the sake of easier writing, I've done away with the random capitalization.
- In the next exciting chapter: Riding on Trains With Boys!
- I'm a review whore, so be sure to drop me line telling me how much you either loved or hated this chapter!

Jewel
(Posted June 19th, 2005)
(Chapter One revised on April 19th, 2005)
(Chapter One originally written on July 21st, 2004)