A Comedy of Cliches
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

Chapter Two:
Riding On Trains With Boys

Harry Potter paused in the train station to inhale the scent of urinals. Ah, how he did love the days when he returned to Hogwarts! Beside him was his best friend Ronald Weasley, who was pushing the trolleys. The two boys were about to enter Platform 9 3/4 when Ron suddenly stopped walking.

"Holy Broom Sticks, Harry! Do you see that sex goddess over there? Who is she?"

Harry turned to where Ron was pointing. Indeed the girl was hot. Long, sleek hair flowed down her back; tight robes clung to sexy curves... Harry could only fault Ron one reason for staring.

"Ron! That's your sister Ginny!"

"Ginny? But when did she get a body like that?" Ron asked, still staring bugged eyed at the petite redhead.

"I can't be sure, but it could be..." Harry's words trailed off as he caught sight of another sex kitten. Walking towards them with ample hips swinging and perky breasts swaying, was a girl with glossy brown hair and chocolately-cinnamon eyes.

"Now hold on, Harry," Ron interrupted. "She's not close enough yet for you to judge the color of her eyes."

"Yea, yea," Harry said distractedly, "But I just know her eyes will be the most breath-taking shade of hazel."

"What happened to chocolate?" Ron demanded. But then the sidekick got a clearer view of the brunette as she drew closer and the crowd thinned out. "Wait a second! Isn't that...? Yes, I'm sure it is!"

"Who, Ron? Who is it?" Harry asked breathlessly, ever anxious to find out the identity of his new soulmate.

"That's Crookshanks! Oh, this sexy, erection-inducing creature is Hermione!"

"No!" Harry gasped.

Meanwhile, Hermione was almost purring in delight at the effect she was having on the male population of the Train Station. When she had entered boys and men alike had tripped over each other to offer her their trolley to use.

Oh, Hermione thought, I could just kiss whoever invented those 'Sexy Curves' pills!

As Hermione's assets had increased, her robes had become tighter. But rather than replace them with new, looser robes, Hermione had decided that she rather liked having her new curves highlighted.

Who needs brains, she thought, when I now have such wonderful breasts!

Hermione flashed a big, bright smile as she came closer to her two bestest buds in the world. "Harry! Ron! I'm so happy to see you!"

She paused for a few seconds to consider the beefcakes in front of her. Summer really does make a difference! Harry was now much taller and much less scrawny. Oh, and even hotter! And Ron was even taller than Harry, with bigger biceps! I could swoon! Casting a glance down the length of Harry, Hermione stepped closer to him and whispered, "My, Harry, is that your wand or are you just as happy to see me?"

"Both, actually," Harry replied earnestly.

"Hermione!" Ron cut in; "The summer really was kind to you!"

Smiling, Hermione looped her arms through the two Boys' arms and continued walking to the Hogwarts Express. "Leave the bags," she instructed, "My army of sex slaves will get them."

Behind a pillar lurked Draco Malfoy. His eyes feasted hungrily on Hermione as she walked arm in arm with her boys. One look at her newly improved ass and Draco just knew, simply felt it in his soul, that he loved Hermione.

"Draco," Crabble whined, "When are we going to stop staring at the Mudblood?"

"Be quiet!" Draco hissed in response. "I want to be able to hear every word that falls from her beautiful lips!"

Glancing around to make sure no one saw him, Draco slipped behind another pillar and then another, following the Golden Trio as they entered Platform 9 3/4.

"Do you get the feeling that someone is following us?" Ron asked as the three friends boarded the train.

"Look at me, Ron! I'm stunning!" Hermione exclaimed. "Of course everyone is following us!"

"Er, well, 'Mione," Harry said, "I am kind of the arch-nemesis of Voldemort."

"Voldemort? He's old news!" Hermione retorted.

"And besides, Harry," Ron added, "Didn't you conveniently kill him in the sixth book?"

"Quite right, mate!" Harry suddenly remembered how he had defeated the Dark Lord the year before. "I did kill him good! And now I'm free to be promiscuous this year!"

Something about Harry and Ron's exchange nagged at Hermione. There was something she was forgetting. She was sure it was important. If only I could remember! But as quickly as the memory came to Hermione, it left as she caught sight of her reflection on a window.

"Oh dear! No, no, this hair will never do!" Hermione stood up and opened the door to the Trio's special compartment. "Excuse me, boys, I simply must change my robes and fix my hair."

"Change robes?" Harry asked with a puzzled expression. "But, Herm, we haven't even left the station as yet!"

"I was hoping to get a bit of snogging done with dean before I have to attend to my duties as Head Girl."

"Oh," both boys commented in unison.

When Hermione arrived at a changing room, she was quite dismayed to find a line. It seemed that everyone else was trying to squeeze in maximum snogging time. Hermione returned to the Trio's special compartment only to find Ron and Harry engaged in lewd acts. Ron was busy groping Lavendar while Harry stuck his tongue down Ginny's throat. Deciding not to interrupt her hormonal friends, Hermione sent in search of another changing room.

She hadn't gone more than two compartments before a mysterious hand shot out of an unnoticed closet. Hermione barely had time to gasp before she was pulled into a dark and small Closet.

"Hermione! My Love!" Her kidnapper cried. "Finally you are in my arms again!"

Hermione swatted at the roaming hands that tried to grope her. "Malfoy? What the hell are you doing?"

Draco gave a her a sloppy, wet kiss before letting go of her. He fished his wand out of his pocket and whispered, "Lumos."

"This isn't funny, Malfoy!" Hermione yelled, using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth.

"Don't tell me that you've forgotten already!" Draco exclaimed, clearly stricken.

Despite the dire situation at hand, Hermione couldn't contain her hormones enough to dismiss how hot Draco had become. Her eyes drank in the sight of his broad, wonderful shoulders. And his beautiful, artless hair that fell around those scrumptious shoulders. He was amazingly taller than Harry and Ron, and towered over Hermione.

"I told you to stay away from me," Hermione hissed, resisting the urge to leap on top of him and shag him to death.

"I know I said I would stay away, Hermione, but I can't!"

Draco grabbed her again for another icky but appealing Kiss. And suddenly all the memories of summer came flooding back to Hermione...

.End of Chapter Two.

Author's Note:
- Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. Hopefully I won't take too long to post the next chapter, "Skipping Down Memory Lane."
- My computer runs on reviews... no review, no computer, no more chapters. Just kidding! But seriously, reviews would be nice.

Jewel
(Posted July 27th, 2005)
(Chapter Two revised on April 19th, 2005)
(Chapter Two originally written on August 4th, 2004)