A Comedy of Cliches
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

A big THANK YOU to all the wonderful people who left reviews! They were greatly appreciated. I'd also like to apologize for taking so long to update. Hopefully the next chapter will be out within a few weeks. Lastly, I must remind you that updates will always appear on my website before they show up anywhere else. FFN tests my patience, so I don't update here until I have the time and energy to do so.

We now return to our regularly scheduled 'fic...

Chapter Three
Skipping Down Memory Lane

At the beginning of summer, Hermione had discovered a cousin she never knew existed. One sunny July morning, Hermione's cousin Cecile, who had until then conveniently lived in Italy, came knocking on the Grangers' door. Now, Cecile was a couple of years older than Hermione, and tended to walk on the wild side more than Hermione thought fun. But Hermione was tired of being a goody-two-shoes. And thus she decided to rebel.

Hermione's first step was to slather on a good amount of her Frizz-Be-Gone Potion. Her next step was to visit a local boutique and buy some well padded bras and a pair of leather pants. And so that night, armed with a red halter top, Hermione set out with her cousin to set the town on fire.

Cecile took Hermione to a small night club and ordered the first round of drinks. Deciding no none at Hogwarts would ever find out, and her reputation would never be blackened (thusly harming her chances at being Head Girl), Hermione put aside her doubts and started throwing back drinks.

Several shots of hard liquor later, Hermione decided she was sufficiently drunk enough to get onto the dance floor. Though when leering men swarmed around her, this Author could not in good conscience call it dancing so much clothed sex.

Soon Hermione was set upon by a tall, blond man. In the dim lighting of the club, however, Hermione could not see his face clearly. But when he pulled her into his big, strong arms for a dance, Hermione certainly liked everything she felt on him.

As you can imagine, Gentle Reader, one thing led to another thing, and soon Hermione and her mystery dance partner found themselves in a dark corner of the club. Heavy breathing ensued, as well as some moaning and, of course, lots of groping.

Unaccustomed to alcohol, however, Hermione soon realized she was not dizzy so much from her mystery man's roaming hands and mouth, so much as from all the liquor she had consumed.

And so it was great alarm that Hermione awoke the next morning in an unfamiliar hotel room in an unfamiliar location with a too-familiar arm anchoring her to a very warm body. Upon close Inspection, Hermione soon discovered, much to her horror, that she was in bed with none other than Draco Malfoy! Hermione screamed and tried to move off of the bed, but the arm remained firmly around Her waist.

"Let go of me!" Hermione insisted, struggling valiantly to wiggle out of the blond Slytherin's embrace.

"You're not going anywhere," Draco replied lazily. "You're my chosen mate. The Dark Lord had decreed, according to a lost prophecy, that you will be my bride and bear his heir."

"You're crazy!" Hermione exclaimed, renewing her struggle. "I'll never be your bride! Never, never!"

"Don't fight It, Hermione! You may already be pregnant with my child!"

Hermione curled her hands into fists and began hitting at Draco's magnificent chest. "You took advantage of me while I was drunk!"

Draco flashed her his deadly sexy, Slytherin-Bad-Boy smile. "Of course. Like you would have me while you were sober."

"I'll never be yours, Draco Malfoy! Never! Besides, after that pregnancy-scare with Severus last Easter, I've been taking a birth control potion."

"Severus!" Draco squawked, suddenly releasing her. "You were almost pregnant with Snape's child!"

Hermione blushed prettily, drawing a sheet up to her neck, recalling lovingly, her brief time with Severus Snape.

"It started last fall," she explained, staring resolutely at the blank wall opposite the bed. "I had been too defiant in class, you see, and so Severus gave me detention. And, well, I was super horny for no apparent reason other than I was the only virgin left at Hogwarts, and that night, while I scrubbed cauldrons and Snape graded essays, I couldn't help myself. You know what they say about his fingers. And that nose, it was just a glaring premonition for his huge--"

"Granger!" Draco yelled, clearly not wanting to hear the Potions Master's member described.

"Well it was just so hot in those dungeons, and I just crawled onto his desk, and then things got out of control." Hermione giggled; "Four times! God, that man fulfilled needs I never knew I had."

A look of pure disgust crossed Draco's handsome face, but he couldn't help asking, "Are you still seeing him?"

"No," Hermione said sadly. "I broke it off in May. I went to Dumbledore's office to talk to him about Harry, and I saw..." She broke off on a sob.

"What did you see?" Draco asked, like a spectator who couldn't take his eyes off the car crash.

"I saw him in the 69 position with the Head Master!"

"Oh!" Draco recoiled in shock, his world tilting.

"Yes," Hermione said, nodding her head. "My world lost all meaning that day."

"You've obviously been through enough," Draco said kindly. "I will take you home and never speak of this again."

Hermione looked at the pale boy, unsure how to feel. "Draco, I--"

Draco laid a finger against her lips. "It is alright, Love, I understand. You needn't say it. I know I am irresistible. But in time you will learn to be without me. For you are a mudblood and I... I am the Malfoy heir."

"No, Draco, I was going to say I drank way too much last night. I need to puke!"

.End Of Chapter Three.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
- I must admit that Snape/Hermione is one of my guilty pleasures, so I thought I'd try to slip some in here. Honestly, if I get the chance I'll probably throw a bit more in.
- More exciting cliches abound! Stay tuned for Chapter Four, "Wherein the Plot Appears!"

Jewel
(Posted October 29th, 2005)
(Chapter Three revised on April 19th, 2005)
(Chapter Three originally written on August 4th, 2004)