A Comedy of Cliches
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

Once again I'd just like to thank everyone who took the time to review. I really appreciate it, and it really does encourage me to write. Special thanks to "classicmovelover" for pointing out a grammatical mistake in the last chapter. It's been corrected.

Chapter Four
Wherein the Plot Appears

After an hour of snogging in the random but convenient closet, Hermione pushed Draco away from her.

"It's been fun," she said, buttoning back up her robes. "Let's keep in touch."

Leaving Draco to clean himself up, Hermione went back to the compartment where she had left Ron and Harry. Lavender and Ginny had long since left and the two boys were measuring their wands. Upon Hermione's entrance they slipped their wands back into their pockets.

"Where've you been, Hermione?" Ron inquired.

Hermione sat beside Harry and rested her feet on the opposite bench. "Malfoy was hexing some third year Hufflepuffs."

"Lavender told us that there's a Seventh Year transfer student," Ron informed her. "Came over from the US. Really shiny, multi-colored hair."

"Oooh, what's her name?" Hermione asked.

Ron paused to think. "Sue, I think."

"No, Ron," Harry interrupted. "Her name's Mary."

"I can't wait to meet her," Hermione squealed. "I'm long over due for a new best friend. Ginny is rather unpopular among fanfiction writers. I do hope Mary, or Sue, or whatever her name is, listens to Good Charlotte!"

Harry shrugged, his glasses fogging up as he stared at Hermione's robes where they were too tight against her impressive chest. "I heard she wrote songs for Evanescence."

"Never heard of 'em," Ron said.

Hermione considered this for a moment. "Neither have I."

"We should be arriving at Hogwarts soon." Harry commented.

The words were barely out of Harry's mouth before the train pulled to a stop. Bounding out of her seat, her abnormally large breasts bouncing, Hermione waved to Harry and Ron. "I have to go oversee the first years. Save me a seat."

The Great Hall was crowded and excessively loud when Draco entered. Striding across the room, he took his usual seat beside Pansy and opposite Blaise. The former immediately began to simper, twirling her hair about as she babbled about her summer. Blaise, sporting a prostate tonight, smiled invitingly at Draco.

Draco returned the gesture with a little half smile of his own and took note to sit next to Crabble in the morning. Blaise was much more entertaining with a uterus. Turning his attention to the front of the room, Draco was in time to see McGonagall remove the Sorting Hat. Dumbledore rose from his seat and began his long speech. Scanning the professors seated at the high table, Draco noticed that Lupin was sitting beside Vector and Sprout. Next to Sprout was Snape. Eyeing the Potions professor with his greasy hair and hooked nose, Draco fought the violent urge to vomit. Quickly moving his gaze, Draco fixed his sight on Hagrid, who sat at the other end of the table. The half-giant seemed to be making "I love you" gestures to someone standing near to doorway. When Draco would have seen who the Oaf's love was, Dumbledore concluded his speech and invited everyone to eat.

After settling the Slytherins into bed, Draco trudged up from the dungeons to his new room. This year Dumbledore had decided to start a new tradition where the Head Boy and Girl would have private rooms away from their houses. They would have separate sleeping quarters, but share a bathroom and common room. Though if Draco was really lucky, that wouldn't be all the shared.

When he arrived at the entrance to the common room, which subsequently led to the other rooms, he saw Hermione standing beside Professor McGonagall.

"You're here at last!" She exclaimed. Drawing him close to Hermione she told them, "The password to your common room is 'cotton candy.' You may choose your own password for your room. Good night."

"That's it?" Draco asked as they stared at McGongall's retreating back. "No warnings against foul play? No threats to make peace and get along?"

Shrugging, Hermione said the password and entered the common room. It was decorated in Slytherin and Gryffindor colors, silver and green clashing horribly with gold and red. "Ah, shit," Hermione exclaimed. "Some blind House Elf got here first."

Whipping out his wand, Draco muttered a few words and sparks shot out the tip. Within seconds the room with decorated with pink walls, purple chairs and burgundy rugs and throw cushions.

"Pretty," Hermione said with a happy nod.

"So," Draco drawled, pocketing his wand and sidling closer to her. "What's the password to your room going to be?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "Oh, no. I'm not going to tell you."

"Fine," Draco muttered. "Don't trust me."

"Well HELLO," Hermione said, rolling her eyes, her brain wrestling control from her mammary glands for a few brief moments. "You're an evil Slytherin! You tried to seduce and impregnate me this summer! Your father is an evil Death Eater!"

Draco had the grace to look stricken. "I'm not my father! Sure, I may have inherited the stunning physique, and the shiny blond hair, but I'm not evil! And to prove that I've got nothing to hide, I'm going to tell you my password."

"Let me guess, is it 'mudblood'?"

"No. Why would I pick something that lame and predictable?"

"Well let's see, what else would a Slytherin choose? Fluffy kittens?"

"Laugh if you must, but it's 'prancing unicorns.'"

At this point in time Hermione fell to the floor in hysterical laughter, leaving Draco to mutter about stupid Gryffindors as he went to his bedroom.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room Ron and Harry and the other Seventh Year boys were talking to the transfer Student, Mary Seraphina Kali Sue. After her parents had tragically dropped dead, she had realized that far from being a spoiled brat with minimal writing talent, she was part witch, part Veela, part Mermaid. Fearing her potential power, Lord Voldemort had kidnapped her as a baby and sent her to live in New York. Now Professor Snape had adopted her and brought her to attend Hogwarts. Harry rather thought she looked a lot his mum.

As Mary told her story, the Gryffindor boys became increasingly sleepy. Eventually they fell asleep near the fireplace, leaving Mary all alone. Checking that she was truly alone, Mary tiptoed up to the Seventh Year boys' dormitory. There she began to systematically look through Harry's Trunk.

Grimacing as he pulled out a picture of a naked Draco Malfoy from between the pages of Harry's transfiguration textbook, Voldemort couldn't help but laugh a bit. In fact, he couldn't help giggling like the maniacal, evil wizard that he was.

...Which is how Neville woke up and found him.

Just kidding! No, seriously, Reader. Neville found Mary laughing as she dug through Harry's possessions.

"I was just looking for, uh, that is--"

"Whatever, dude," Neville replied. "Most girls just grab some socks or knickers and use that to build their shrines."

Nodding, Mary backed out the room and stumbled back down the stairs to the common room. That had been close! From now on Voldemort would have to be more careful. Especially of that handsome Longbottom devil!

.End Of Chapter Four.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
- I finally introduced the plot! I don't intend for this to be a string of clichés with no plot. I can't write that way. And if you read closely enough you'd have noticed several bits of foreshadowing for future chapters.
- If parts of this chapter were not subtle enough in the obvious satirical manner meant, then I apologize. Especially if Mary was introduced in such an 'in your face' obvious way. Yes, I do harbor a resentfulness against Mary-Sues.
- Don't fear that I'm running out of clichés! Next up: Meddling Professors!
- And don't forget to review, review, review!

Jewel
(Posted November 25th, 2005)
(Chapter Four revised on April 19th, 2005)
(Chapter Four originally written on January 1st, 2005)