A Comedy of Cliches
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Jewel

Rated PG-13. Set in 7th Year, no spoilers.

Standard disclaimer applies.

I'd like to say a nice, big THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to review; it really means a lot to me.

PLEASE READ: Although I plan to explain about Mary in full detail in chapter seven, recent confusion among readersmakes it necessary to explain theMary Voldemort connection. The short hand is that Mary has been possessed by Voldemort and does his bidding because she has no choice. I hope that's enough to tide everyone over until chapter 7.

Chapter Five:
Meddling Professors

The first two weeks of school went by rather uneventfully. Hogwarts's students fell into the comfortable pattern of classes and the Head Boy and Girl came to a truce of sorts. One bright morning Draco entered the Great Hall for breakfast with a feeling of joy. He was even whistling a jaunty tune, having five minutes ago finished masturbating to the sound of Hermione's morning bath.

His cheery tune was quickly interrupted by the sight of Blaise and Professor Vector arguing, rather loudly, near the professors' table. Draco inched closer to the heated quarrel, starved for some good gossip to share in the Quidditch locker room.

"You can't just leave me, Blaise! I gave you the best two weeks of my life!" Professor Vector near screamed.

Much more composed, Blaise, still sporting a Penis, arched an elegant Slytherin brow. "And it was a great two weeks, Professor. But it's over now."

"Found greener pastures, have you?" The Arithmancy professor asked bitterly, her lip trembling as she suppressed her tears.

"Something like that," Blaise murmured, his eyes straying to the table next to him. His gaze caught on Professor Snape, who was eating his morning porridge, oblivious to what was going on.

Finally succumbing to her tears, Professor Vector fled the room weeping, almost knocking over Mary as the new student entered.

Hair sufficiently shiny, and white teeth sparkling, Mary sashayed over to Draco. Smiling and flipping her pink and green hair over her narrow shoulders, Mary batted her long eye lashes at Draco. In the two weeks since classes had started, the transfer student alternated her attention between the Head Boy and the Boy Who Lived. Draco was getting rather tired of it, but with Hermione holding out on sex, and Pansy looking more and more like a pug each year, Draco needed some release.

Draco took a step back to avoid touching Mary, but he only succeeded in bumping into someone. Spinning around, he saw that it was Blaise. Shrieking like a little school boy, Draco quickly retreated to the Slytherin table and took a seat between Crabble and Goyle. It was from there that he spied Hermione enter the Great Hall with Potter. Draco snarled. The slobbering idiot, whose only claim to fame was the mistake of living, wasn't even pretending to not notice Hermione's considerable charms. For her part, the Head Girl was giggling at everything the scarred prat said. The Weasel trailed in behind them, scowling.

His good mood completely ruined, Draco spent the remainder of the morning with a cranky disposition. Between Double Potions and lunch he hexed three second year Gryffindors and made a fourth year Hufflepuff cry. By the time Tuesday afternoon's Arthimancy lesson came, Snape had to talk a first year Slytherin out of Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom by convincing him that Draco couldn't assign detention in the Dark Forest simply because he had made the mistake of making eye contact with Draco in the Great Hall.

Arthimancy class only made Draco feel slightly better. Still upset over being dumped by Blaise, Professor Vector's usually pleasant demeanor had mutated into that of an amateur Snape. When Hermione had dared to question the total obscurity of the homework assignment, Professor Vector assigned her ten extra scrolls of homework. Draco then struck gold by snickering. Turing on the blond boy, Professor Vector informed Draco that he would help Miss Granger with her twenty scroll research.

Caught between elation at having an excuse to spend more time with Hermione, and horror at having to research some arcane nonsense and write a twenty scroll report, Draco missed the dark look Hermione threw him.

Hermione was angry. Draco had totally ruined her fun! For a full two seconds she had been looking forward to immersing herself in research for the rest of the night. And then that idiot had gone and gotten himself assigned to help her. As if she needed his help!

"I need that book," she said, holding out her hand to Draco.

"I'm not done with it," he replied, not looking up from the dark leather bound book he was reading.

Hogwarts's Head Boy and Girl were sitting in the library. The table between them was littered with books on the unimportant topic Professor Vector had assigned them to research.

"Don't be so difficult!" Hermione snapped, reaching across the expansive oak desk to grab the tome from him.

"Aggressive, aren't you?" Draco taunted. "Potter not satisfying you?"

Hermione blushed. "That's none of your business, Malfoy."

Draco shrugged, picking up another dusty book. "All I know is that you were never this angry when you were with me."

"We were 'together' only one night! And I was drunk!"

"What about the train?" Draco retorted.

"Harry's not making any moves," Hermione said abruptly. She put the book she had snatched from him on the table. Drawing her legs up on the chair and resting her chin on her knees, Hermione continued. "I know he's lusting after me, he keeps staring at my chest. But he won't say anything! He hasn't even tried to kiss me!"

Draco was utterly disgusted. But despite his better sense, he found himself asking, "Why don't you make the first move?"

"I don't know how," Hermione mumbled. Suddenly she looked up at him. "This might sound a bit crazy, but promise you'll think about it."

Out of curiosity Draco promised.

"Will you teach me how to seduce someone?"

"What's in it for me?" Draco asked

"The benefits of everything I learn while you're my teacher."

Without further consideration Draco agreed, ideas already racing through his head. He would find a way to make sure she never used any of her talents on Potter. Never!

With half their research done, Draco and Hermione called it a night and went to the Great Hall for dinner. Their late arrival went unnoticed as everyone's attention was fixed on the Headmaster. Professor Dumbledore stood at the head of the room, the Malfoy's former house else standing next to him.

"...So, with that said," Professor Dumbledore said, "I would like to announce my pending engagement to Dobby."

Quietness settled over the large chamber. Dumbledore stood beaming, his hand in Dobby's. The silence was broken by a commotion at the professor's table. Hagrid rose quickly, his chair falling back, its clatter echoing through the Hall. Without a word he fled the room, blubbering as he ran. Professor Snape, who sat at the edge of the table close to the exit, rose slowly. He looked paler than usual. Gripping his throat he made a strangled sound as he stared at Dumbledore, a stricken look on his face. Turning, he swept out of the room, his robes billowing around him like wings. Blaise, sporting an impressive pair of breasts, rose from her seat beside Draco. She strode from the room, presumably off to find and comfort Snape.

Seemingly unaffected by the effect of his announcement, Dumbledore concluded, "A wedding date has not been set as yet, but we will keep you all up to date."

As Dumbledore sat Professor McGonagall rose and took his place at the podium. Her hands fluttering in front of her, she stammered, "We-we all w-wish you the b-best, Professor Dumbledore!" She applauded weakly, accompanied by only a few others. "Um, well," she continued. "This now seems like a rather inappropriate time to mention that Hogwarts will be putting on a play at the end of the term. Suggestions may be submitted to myself or Professor Flitwick."

Hermione turned to Ron. "Were you expecting that?"

"God, no. I could have sworn Dobby was in love with Harry."

"I'm sitting right here," Harry said from the other side of Ron.

Ignoring his bestfriend, Ron mused aloud, "I wonder why Hagrid left so suddenly."

Across the table Ginny shrugged. "Perhaps he was overcome with emotion."

Nodding, Ron replied, "Yes, Hagrid has always been extra emotional where Dumbledore was concerned."

Neville looked skeptical. "I don't think that's it."

From beside him Mary quipped, "No one really cares anyway. Neville, will you help me with my Potions homework?"

"Uh, well, Mary, I'm really not the best person for that."

Tuning out the transfer student and Neville's stammering, Harry looked at Hermione. "Why were you late to dinner?"

"I was in the library," she said. "I had some extra Arthimancy homework."

"Are you coming back the Gryffindor common room tonight?"

"No, she's not," a voice answered from behind the Trio.

Harry turned to scowl at the Slytherin standing behind him. "I wasn't asking you, Malfoy."

"Hermione and I have business to attend to tonight, if you catch my drift, Potter."

Standing up, Hermione situated herself between the two boys. "Now, now, boys. No fighting. Harry, Draco and I have to finish our Arthimancy project. Malfoy, babe, don't be an asshole."

Scowling, Draco turned away from the Gryffindor table and stormed out of the Great Hall.

Sighing, Hermione bade good night to her friends. "I'd better follow him before he kills some poor Hufflepuff."

Hurrying to catch up to Draco, Hermione's attention was diverted by a shiny object in a dark corner. Hermione reached down and picked up the small, gold object. Upon closer inspect she realized it was a time turner. Before Hermione could ponder what it meant, she was swept up in a magical tornado.

Stepping out of the dark corner, Mary smiled. The mudblood had fallen for the trap! With the big breasted, sleek haired know-it-all out of the way there was nothing standing between Mary and Harry.

Just when Voldemort would have giggled like the evil wizard he was, Neville came out of the Great Hall.

"Are you coming or not, Mary?"

Well, there's nothing else I can do tonight. With that thought Mary ran up to Neville. "Let's go, big boy."

.End of Chapter Five.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
- I'm sorry this took so long to get out. The story is now planned out for nine more parts, so hopefully I can stick to a schedule and outline and get chapters out in a more timely fashion.
- In the next exciting chapter I get to add a bit more of Snape/Hermione fun in: A Dash of Time Travel!

Jewel
(Posted February 6th, 2006)
(Chapter Five originally written on April 18th, 2005)