Chapter Four
Carter looked everywhere in the building for James but couldn't find him anywhere. He finally made his way back to the main offices. Everyone was busy doing something or other but he cleared his throat anyway. If he just asked if anyone had seen him, he didn't have to say a why, right?
"Everyone!" he called to their attention. They all paused and looked up. "Has anyone seem James?" Everyone looked to each other shrugging their shoulders. "Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Okay then." He lowered his hands and sighed frustratingly. He walked over the coat rack and snatched his coat off if it, throwing it on moodily.
"Hey, Carter! Where're you going?" Mike called out and attempted to follow Carter's quick motions.
"It's an emergency. I have to go." Carter went to walk down the hall, but Mike pulled him back. By now, Stacey, Nikki, and Stuart were all looking up again.
"You weren't going to mention it. Just walk out, huh?"
"That was the plan." Carter tried to leave again, but Mike pulled him back again by the elbow.
"What kind of emergency?" he questioned. Carter sighed, frustrated again, and looked around, letting his eyes linger a moment on Nikki.
"Has anyone noticed James is missing?" He acknowledged the empty desk with a gesture of his hand. Nobody said anything. "He's not in the building. I'm going out to look for him."
"He'll come back. He probably went to get food or something." Mike suggested.
"Please, Mike. Let me go look." Carter pleaded and Nikki gripped her paper, afraid the secret was blown. Mike noticed something different in Carter's eyes. Desperation maybe? But he wasn't sure… he certainly knew it was something. Whatever it was, he'd sort it out later.
"Go! But you'll have to make up the time!" Mike called to Carter who was already to the end of the hallway.
"Whatever!" Carter blew him off. Nikki sighed in relief.
(----)
Carter went to his and Stuart's apartment first, for some reason, hoping maybe James would be there waiting to talk. He turned the knob and didn't even notice that Stuart had forgotten to lock the door again. He closed his eyes once he stepped inside. He took a deep breath and looked. Completely empty.
"What was I really expecting?" he tried to laugh, but nothing came out. Sighing, he closed and locked the door, heading back outside.
While he sat in the taxi headed to James' apartment, he gave himself a chance to think. Why did he care so much? Any other person he would have blown off and agreed with Mike. "He'll come back." Mike had said. Carter would have usually agreed and went back to work. Usually. So why was he in a taxi, instead of work, looking for the man he just dissed?
He had wanted this to maybe work, but it felt against his morals. If this didn't work out, this won't be some "just once when I was drunk" or an "I got really lonely at camp on evening" story to tell the friends. If it did, what would he tell the other homosexuals he would meet? "This is my boyfriend. He's straight." James was straight! He was, god dammit, so what the hell was going on! He felt like such an idiot for falling in love with a stra-… wait a minute… did he just say "falling in love"! Is that what he had said? Good god, maybe he did need help. Maybe he was that desperate. Maybe, just maybe he should be listening to his god damn instincts for once.
"Hey buddy! Here's your stop." The taxi driver pointed out as he slowed down.
"No kidding. I wondered why we were pulling over." Carter snapped as he stumbled out of the cab. He gave the driver the money and impatiently waited for the change.
"Geez, what's the rush?" the driver asked when he noticed Carter tapping his foot.
"You really want to know? I might have sabotaged the only relationship that seems to be working for me this year so now I'm going to attempt to fix it, though I highly doubt I can!" he explained harshly and held his hand out. The driver placed the money carefully in Carter's palm.
"Well, good luck anyway." He said through the window before rolling it up and driving away.
Carter shook his head and pulled the door open to the building. He turned to the woman sitting at the desk to his right.
"Excuse me?" Carter got her attention.
"Yes? How may I help you?" she smiled sweetly and put down her pen.
"There's no time for pleasantries!" Carter threw his hands in the air. The desk clerk look slightly taken aback and raised her eyebrows.
"Alright…"
"Do you know where James Hobart is?" Carter couldn't believe he asked that. This building was huge, how could she know who everyone was?
"Oh… he rushed in. Said a quick hello and mumbled something about going up to the roof…"
"Thank you!" Carter went to the elevator before coming back. "How do I get there?" he asked. The desk clerk smiled gently. She was used to getting people like this. So wrapped up in what they need that they ask the stupidest questions.
"You take the elevator all the way up. You'll see a pair of stairs. Go up them, open the door and there you are."
"Thanks… thanks." Carter ran off.
Following the woman's directions, he finally made it to the door. It was being held open by a brick and when Carter slipped through, he made sure not to disturb it. He knew what happens when the door closes. James was standing by the edge looking over the buildings.
"You're not planning to jump are you?" Carter called out and slapped himself in the forehead. Encourage him, why don't you! James didn't look startled, like he had been waiting for Carter.
"Do I look suicidal?" James tuned to face Carter at last.
"A little." Carter shrugged and rubbed his hands together. He had forgotten his gloves.
"I do?" James creased his brow. Carter walked over until he was standing right next to the younger man.
"Well, it isn't that bad." Carter smiled, but James didn't smile back. "Look," he finally spoke again. "I'm sorry about what I said, but I really have no idea what's going on. Everything I thought about… all that I thought was making sense… well.. doesn't anymore."
"I know. I'm just as confused." James agreed, using less words than Carter had. They continued to stand and stare out at the tops of the buildings.
"Well," Carter pulled up his sleeve and checked his watch, hardly believing how easily he was able to apologize. He was definitely expecting some kind of an argument. "If we left now, the work day would be over. Want to get some coffee or something?"
"Nah." James turned his head towards Carter. "I could use a beer though."
(----)
A half hour later, the rest of the office group (excluding Paul who, well, nobody knew where he was) walked into the bar. They looked for a free table, quickly found one, sat and ordered they're drinks. None of them had noticed Carter and James sitting close in a booth right across from their table.
A few minutes later, Nikki turned her head when she thought she heard someone calling her name. It turned out it was nothing, but she saw what she hoped nobody else had. Her eyes widened and she fought the urge to yell at them to run and hide. She turned to face the group again.
"What's with that face? You look like you just saw something majorly scary!" Mike laughed and the rest joined in.
"It was much worse." Nikki mumbled.
"What?"
"Noth-nothing. So, Mayor… what's on the schedule for tomorrow?" Nikki attempted to change the subject. The Mayor looked up and shrugged.
"Absolutely no idea."
"Come on," Stuart prodded. "You've gotta have some idea!"
"Well, I suppose we could…" the Mayor began and Nikki tuned him out to face the back of the bar again. If she thought the idea of them just being seen together… they were in the process of picking up their coats. Now they would be seen leaving together. They stood and paid. Nikki tried to warn them with quick gestures, but it was too late.
"Hey! Carter… and James." Stacey raised an eyebrow. The two men stopped dead in their tracks and swallowed. They turned towards the table and Carter erased the look of panic and doomsday off his face and replaced it with a big, fake smile.
"Guys! Hey!" he threw his arms out, James gave the appearance of hiding behind Carter.
"What were you doin' here?" Mike questioned.
"I… um… James was… on the roof of his building… he was going to throw himself off if I didn't come in time!" was all Carter could think of. James made a "WTF!" face and sighed, having no choice but to play along.
"Yeah… if Carter hadn't found me I might've been… well, dead." James managed to shrug. "I was just there. I don't even remember how I got there and I thought. I thought, maybe if this was all over, all of what's been going on, everything would be easier. For both of us." He sighed. Carter took his turn in having his eyes widen slightly. He would've thought that the little speech was just an extraordinary display of James' writing skills, but maybe…
"Both of who?" Stuart asked.
"Both of what?" James pretended to have no idea what he just said.
"You said it'd be easier for 'both of us'."
"I did?"
"Yeah."
'I'm just… just really confused." James sighed deeply. Carter stepped in.
"I was going to take him back down to his apartment, but he insisted we have a drink. I'm going to take him back and… keep an eye on him." Carter cleared his throat and diverted his glance to Nikki. She caught on.
"We better let them go." She stood and put her arm over James' shoulder. "I'll walk you guys out." The three walked away, towards the door.
"Wow." Stacey finally spoke, taking a sip of her drink. "You think one person is a certain way and then, Bam! I didn't suspect for a moment James would think about that."
"Who did you think would do it?" Mike pried.
"Well, the Mayor or Stuart, really."
"Hey!" the two men said in unison.
(----)
Once outside, Nikki sighed.
"You two are very lucky James is a speech writer and Carter is a good liar. Otherwise, that could've been a big problem."
"This is a big problem!" Carter blurted out. "They now probably think James could try and commit hari-kari any minute! Now they'll never give us a moment alone!" he stomped his foot. Nikki rubbed her temples.
"I didn't tell you to make up that story!" she said calmly. "That was all you, Carter. Now, just take James wherever you're going and I'll try to calm them down, alright?"
Carter went to hail a taxi and James turned to face Nikki before she headed back into the bar.
"Hey, Nikki?"
"Yeah?" she turned back around.
"Thanks a lot… for keeping this secret and stuff." James shrugged.
"Hey," she smiled back, opening the door. "What're friends for?"
(----)
Once inside the quiet of James' apartment, Carter was given the opportunity to seriously interrogate him. James collapsed on his couch, not even bothering to remove his shoes or coat. Carter threw his coat off onto the floor and sat down next to him.
"What you said… about when you were on the roof, did you…?"
"Really consider jumping? Only for a little bit." James bit his lip. "I just didn't think after three days, my life would be so jumbled and upside down that I didn't even know where I was walking or what I was thinking." He finally explained. "The first time we did it, I was just… experimenting, you could say. I've never done that with another guy before and there was my first opportunity. If, when you spun the bottle, it hadn't landed on me… do you think we'd be here now?"
"Probably not." Carter was too stunned to say anything else. James continued.
"But then… I can't exactly explain what or why. It just wasn't…"
"…some little science experiment anymore." Carter finished the sentence.
"Yeah… wait, what?" James looked up from staring at his lap.
"Can you believe the first time I realized I might be gay I was actually experimenting too? The guy and I had sex and I realized how much more natural it felt for me than doing it with a woman."
"But here's my problem. I have never looked at another male that way! I always thought women were attractive. I loved having sex with them. I loved looking at them… and now here I am." James paused and looked Carter in the eyes. "What're we going to do?"
Carter stared back, but not for long. He knew what he should do. He knew the right thing to do the first time James kissed him after the bottle spun and people left. He just never wanted to say it, because he was happy. Stuart was right. When did he ever expect to hear himself say that? He was happier than he had been in a long while, but this just wasn't right. It couldn't be love, could it? It had to just be infatuation. Just keep telling yourself that Carter Heywood. Just keep telling yourself that.
"We… have to stop seeing each other." Carter finally said.
"What?" James whispered. "We… we work together. That's going to be kind of hard…"
"No, James. I mean… you know what I mean."
"Yeah. I know." He looked down and finally looked up again. "Why?"
"I think you know the answer to that too." Carter stood and picked up his coat from the floor. He slipped it on and walked to the door, laying his hand on the knob. "Goodbye, James. I'll see you tomorrow."
James watched Carter leave and sat for a minute or two doing absolutely nothing. He squinted and blinked his eyes a few times.
"Ah, shit." He cursed and collapsed into a pillow and began to sob.