Chapter 4

When the idea came to her, she was so terrified that she'd thought it up that she nearly couldn't breathe for a moment. She was lying in the darkness of her bedroom, gripping the sheets tight between the cotton of her gloves, eyes wide as the plan took sudden form in her mind.

I couldn't...no. That would the be the very worst thing I could do.

She'd really tried after that talk with Mr.Summers. She'd made more of an effort to listen to Bobby talk about his research with the Professor, she'd visited Kitty and Jubilee both at work, she'd gone out to Chili's one night and met them and some of their "work friends" for dessert and coffee. She'd been quiet for most of it, but Rogue wasn't normally garrulous so that wasn't anything new.

Remembering what Mr. Summers had said, she'd called herself "Marie" at dinner. There's more to Marie than just Rogue. Though as she sat at the table, letting the conversation flow around her, she wondered if that was true. Sometimes she thought she'd left Marie forever behind in Mississippi, and there was no way to get her back even if she'd wanted to.

As for her training, she worked very hard, but deep down there was still the lingering worry that it was all hopeless. She paid a lot of attention to everyone else; noticed their easy nods to the Professor's lectures, their acquiescence to whatever Mr. Summers asked of them.

There seemed to be no hesitation in any of them, really. They all seemed so certain...

Even Logan, who'd left the day before for one of his journey's up North to find out about his past, always came back to the team. She had been thinking of him, remembering him saving her, and she let herself think about being in Magneto's machine on the Statue of Liberty.
Drowning in his mind, his certainty...

I got that by touching him.

Which meant...

No. I can't do that. It's a violation of everyone's trust, and I'm not supposed to use my powers to hurt anyone...

Except that it wouldn't hurt them, not really. Rogue and Bobby had had a few "mistakes" in the past, where she'd held on a bit too long and taken his powers for a moment. It usually just left him a little breathless, but not injured. She always hated to admit it, but she kind of liked it. Not only was using her power a release of some sort, but because in that moment she could feel in her mind impressions of his—how he thought she was pretty, how much he liked her, that sort of thing.

What if it did work? She could just touch them all, just for a moment, and she'd know if it was just her that had all of these doubts.

If it turned out it was just her...well then, maybe if she did it a little bit, for weeks, not taking too much...

Maybe it would be like it was on the Statue of Liberty. Maybe after time she'd have the certainty that she seemed to lack, if they all had it. Then she could train with the others without feeling like the effort was worthless. Then she could truly be one of them, and all of this would stop, even if she never got a handle on her powers.

She lost herself for a moment in that fantasy—of having things returned to normal, of being a part of things again—before she forced herself to think realistically.

It was a horrible idea. It was dishonest, and Rogue didn't think of herself as a dishonest person. She stared up at the ceiling, at Kitty's grinning happy face of stars above her, and tried to remind herself of that.

Remember what happened, though, when you were honest? Images of her job hunting experience flashed through her mind.

No. It doesn't matter. I would be abusing my powers.

The Professor had always made it clear they were to use their powers only for good. Though the little voice in her head pointed out that she wasn't trying to do evil, was she? She would only be helping herself, so that she could do the right thing, and didn't the rest of them use their powers in just that way? Outside of the Danger Room? Not to save humanity, or anything so noble, but to just...do stuff, that needed to be done?

Storm used hers to water the grounds when they were in a drought, when the flowers she and Jean had planted looked as if they were going to die. She didn't appear to suffer undo guilt from screwing around with nature, or anything like that. Mr. Wagner used his teleportation to get just about everywhere—from class, to dinner, to training, to getting innumerable Frisbee's and tennis balls off of the roof.

Kitty was constantly opening doors if people locked themselves out of their room, or their car. As for Professor X, he always won in Trivial Pursuit right when it was getting late and no one appeared to be winning, and while he was definitely intelligent, no one was that smart to get four pie pieces in one turn.

Everyone found a way to make their powers a part of their daily lives, in addition to their training as X-Men. So why couldn't she? This was more important, wasn't it, than lighting a candle or retrieving a set of car keys from a locked vehicle? Wouldn't she be more useful to the team if she could just make all this troublesome worry go away?

Somehow, though, she knew deep down inside herself that there was a difference. So her plan remained secret and shameful, and she tried not to think about it too much lest she give in to the temptation to put it in action. It might have remained just that, a temptation, until one night when Rogue finally lost her temper, and with it, her restraint.

It was a Friday night, and Kitty had been scheduled to work until six. She'd promised to pick Rogue up after dinner and take them both to a movie since Jubilee was scheduled until nine, and Rogue had been looking forward to forgetting about things for a couple of hours. Plus, she hadn't seen Kitty in what seemed like weeks; and the time they had spent together was strained at best. Every time Rogue looked at her roommate, she felt vaguely guilty, as if she'd harmed Kitty just by thinking about her idea.

That night Rogue found herself in a good mood at dinner, talking animatedly to Bobby and listening to Mr. Summers make fun of Logan, who admittedly wasn't there to defend himself. Oh, it wasn't malicious mockery (it was Mr. Summers, after all), but it had them all laughing as he described Logan's inability to change tires without accidentally puncturing them in a temper. After dinner she'd gone upstairs, dressed up a bit just for the novelty of doing so, and had even borrowed Kitty's lip gloss and put on a pair of earrings Bobby had bought her for her birthday. She'd gone outside to wait for Kitty, liking the feel of the night air surrounding her as she sat on the steps and waited.

She'd waited until eight-thirty, and then she'd gone inside, directly to her room, and wiped off her lip gloss. Her earrings she returned to the small box on her dresser. At nine thirty, she stopped staring out of the window and picked up a book, of which she managed to read two pages in the span of an hour before giving up and turning off the light.

She forgot about you. And why shouldn't she? It isn't like you're fun to hang out with. You never were. They probably only tolerated you because you were here.

Rogue hated thinking things like that, but as she lay there in the dark, she couldn't help herself. It was obvious that once Kitty and Jubilee went off to college, she'd be left here at the Mansion, probably teaching like Mr. Summers and just as alone as he was.

It was an unkind thought, but it was the first of many. By the time Kitty came home, Rogue was still awake, and she had long since given up chastising herself for the multitude of unflattering things she was thinking about everyone in the mansion.

"Rogue? You awake?" Kitty whispered to her, standing next to her bed. Rogue didn't answer, didn't move a muscle, forcing her breathing to remain even and calm. She did so until Kitty finished getting ready for bed and settled down to sleep.

Rogue waited very carefully until her roommate's breathing slowed—Kitty fell asleep faster than anyone she knew--and then slowly she sat up and pushed the covers back.

Rogue stood up and walked across the room, quiet as a ghost, and looked down at the other girl. Kitty liked to sleep in shorts and tank tops, despite the fact she had Rogue for a roommate.

They don't think you're dangerous because they trust you.

A pang rang through Rogue at that, remembering Mr. Summers' words. Then she remembered sitting and waiting for Kitty outside, remembered being forgotten, and slowly she drew off her glove.

They trust you, Rogue.

Gritting her teeth, she very gently laid her bare hand on her roommate's upper arm. For a moment there was nothing, then the pull came and she felt herself smiling as the power filled her.

I like using my power, too.

With the pull came a barrage of memories—folding an endless stack of sweaters, shifting on her feet because they hurt from standing all day. Dealing with a woman trying to return a sweater two sizes too small and wanting cash, even though she didn't have a receipt, trying to be polite before going to get the manager.

The cute guy that worked on the men's clothing side, asking her out that night. Thinking how she'd promised her roommate she'd take her to a movie.

The vaguest hint of guilt because she'd rather go out with Toby. Rogue's been such a downer, lately, and she'll probably only sigh during the movie and maybe complain and make me sit next to the aisle, and I hate that.

Kitty had called and asked Piotr to leave a message, pretending she had to work late and do inventory. She'd gone out to dinner and to a movie with Toby, instead, and she felt guilty but she was glad she'd done it.

I'll take Rogue to a movie on Saturday afternoon, when it is less crowded.

Rogue was breathing too fast, staring at Kitty as she stood there with her fingers lightly resting on her friend's arm. She pulled away when Kitty made a small sort of whimper, like she was in pain, and ran into the bathroom.

The door was closed, but that didn't matter, of course. She phased right through it, which would have been amazing at any other time, but now, she hardly noticed that she'd done it.

Rogue stared at herself in the mirror, her heart racing, and tried to calm herself down. Fine, she lied to you, but you really have been impossible lately, you know, and—

No. You're looking for certainty, not excuses for her ditching you. Find it, and let this end.

Unfortunately, she was besieged by very strange worries and fears that she'd never even thought of before. Rogue pressed her shaking fingers to her temple as thoughts raced through her mind with the force and speed of a freight train.

I wish I was thinner. Toby might have kissed me if I could get my fat ass into that size six. I saw the way Ashley hid a smirk when I had to get an eight in those boot cut khakis. I hate her. I wonder if she knows I heard all about what she did in the stockroom with the regional manager?

What if I'm not smart enough to get into a good college? Will I have to stay here and work at Abercrombie with stupid Ashley all the time? Why can't I find something I want to do with my life? How am I supposed to be a college student, and have a career, and be an X-Man?

Rogue pressed her bare hand to the glass of the mirror, trying to feel the slick surface beneath her hand, trying to come back to herself and make Kitty's thoughts go away. Rogue. Marie. You're not Kitty. You're Rogue. Make this stop.

One of the problems, however, with never being able to use her powers meant she couldn't learn to control them. She was at the mercy of Kitty's mind at the moment, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Rogue's so lucky to have Bobby, I wonder why she doesn't realize that? I wonder if I'll ever have a boyfriend? St. John…why did he have to go be all evil? He was hot. He liked Rogue, I think, didn't he? Maybe I should put a streak in my hair and boys will like me, too.

With such thoughts came Kitty's unmistakable guilt for thinking such things of her roommate. I shouldn't think mean thoughts about her, even if she's messy. She's a good person and she's been through so much. What would I have done, if I was strapped in Magneto's machine, or if I had to fly the X-Jet at Alkali? I wish I had been at Alkali, I could have maybe phased through the water, saved Dr. Grey. Will I die, like Dr. Grey?

Interspersed between all of this were flashes of things Kitty had been doing without her—eating lunch at the mall with Jubilee, going out with friends for ice cream after her shift was over. Rogue didn't want to see that, all she wanted was Kitty's knowledge that despite all of her assorted doubts, she was doing what was right.

"Show me something, please," Rogue whispered, head bowed, seeing the white of her hair in her vision and holding onto the sight, wanting to remember she was herself and not her innocently sleeping roommate. She forced herself to delve once more into the memories, looking for anything to make this all go away, when she came across the one thought that enraged her, made her scramble backwards and nearly fall into the tub in shock.

I'm glad I don't have Rogue's powers. Those are more like a curse. At least mine are useful. It must suck that no one can ever touch you. I guess I should be grateful my mutation isn't like that.

Slowly, Rogue straightened and pushed her damp hair back off her face. Her eyes were tearful and bright, and her face was flushed with shame and anger. How dare Kitty think that about her? Was their entire friendship based on nothing more than pity? It wasn't as if Rogue herself hadn't thought such things about her abilities, but on top of everything else, it just infuriated her further.

She turned and left the room, walking right through the wall, and headed silently down the corridor. She needed to find someone, obviously, who wasn't as close to her so that she was not distracted with such personal thoughts. That ruled out Bobby and Jubilee, of course. Maybe…

She halted in front of Piotr's door, making sure she could still feel the lingering effects of Kitty's powers inside of her, and went inside.

Piotr was asleep on his back with the sheet twisted around him, and Rogue found herself slightly fascinated with the way his body looked in the spill of moonlight coming through the window. Her eyes traveled down his naked chest and lingered on his abdominal muscles, which were pronounced and firm, and she had a sudden desire to pet him.

Wait. I've never been like this before around him, and he's always hanging out with Bobby….I've seen him working out before without a shirt and didn't want to do anything at all.

Her eyes widened. Oh. Kitty, again. Her roommate went for those well-built types, apparently. Carefully, Rogue approached him and placed her hand on his naked shoulder. Her mouth curved up in appreciation as she felt his muscles beneath her hand, and she had to force herself not to let her hand glide lower to his stomach.

Focus! I'm not here to ogle Piotr. Kitty can stare at him during training all she wants.

His strength rushed into her, his mind, and Rogue stood there as it filled her, driving Kitty back and away. His thoughts were different, heavier, and there was a lingering sense of worry and sadness that Rogue recognized all too well.

He'll know, if I don't stop staring at him. How am I supposed to be like this and not let anyone know?

I'm so happy to be here, but I can't live a lie anymore. What'll they do if I tell them? Will they still be my friends? When they found out I was a mutant, I had to leave my home…will that happen here, too?

Flashes of him playing video games with Bobby, staring at him when he didn't think the other boy noticed. Eyes traveling down his lanky form, ashamed, but unable to stop, because….

How can I be an X-Man? They will never accept me, never, not if they knew that. I just want to be part of the team.

"No," Rogue whispered, anguished. This wasn't…this wasn't how it was supposed to be, not at all! She wasn't finding certainty, and she couldn't…there was no way she could try this on everyone, and she was pushing the boundaries even now by being in his room. Sooner or later, someone would wake up.

Not to mention, Professor Xavier would wake up, and he would…Rogue didn't want to think about what he would do to her if he found out what she was doing.

"Give me something," she hissed, tightening her hand on his arm. He made a sound like he was choking, but Rogue didn't stop. "Show me how you do it, then!" Piotr was one of the most disciplined and committed students at the Institute. How did he manage to be that way, with all of that doubt inside of him?

I will do whatever I have to so that they keep me here. If that means they never know, never find out about me and…then that is how it will be. This means everything, and I have to make it work…they saved me, took me in.

"How, how do you do it…" she was sobbing, but there were so many other things confusing her now. She tore out of his room like a tornado, pushing the door too hard without understanding her newfound strength, ripping it off its hinges.

One person. I just need one person who believes, please…

Her head was full of madness, of doubts and fears not her own, and it was a thousand times worse than when it was just her thinking these things. She knew that unless she found something, someone, who believed….

I'll drown in their thoughts. I can't live with all of it. Not mine, and theirs too… She made a sound of pure anguish, and had to stop for a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Rogue? Are you—are you okay?" The quiet, hesitantly spoken words startled her, and as her vision cleared she saw the young girl in the middle of the hallway, looking at her worriedly.

Rahne Sinclair was a few years younger than Rogue, and could turn into a wolf. Right now, though, she was a confused kid looking back and forth from Rogue to the mangled door leading into Piotr's room.

"N-Nothing is the matter, Rahne," Rogue said carefully, eyeing the younger girl warily.

"Um, then what'd you do to Piotr's door?" The girl wasn't moving out of her way, and Rogue was becoming agitated and she didn't know what to do.

Have to go. Piotr will be after me, he'll be mad…. She couldn't explain all this to Rahne, she needed to get away now…

She hated to do it, but she reached out with the hand that was still covered by cotton and shoved Rahne out of the way, intending only to make her move so she could continue her progress down the hallway. In her human form, however, Rahne was tiny—barely five feet tall, and ninety pounds soaking wet—and the younger girl went flying backwards and hit the wall when Rogue pushed her, unaware that with her strength she had to be careful when doing things like that. The girl made a sound of pain and collapsed, motionless, on the floor.

Rogue moved towards Rahne, feeling helpless. Oh, no, what have I done…

"Rogue?" Piotr spoke from the doorway of his room, finally awake, voice very hesitant. "Is something the matter?"

She turned to look at him, standing there in pajama pants and no shirt, confused and swaying a bit on his feet. She'd held on to him a long time, too long, maybe. All I do is hurt people.

"Rogue, what have you…" His eyes widened as he saw Rahne.

"I'm—" she shook her head desperately, and when he took a step towards her, she panicked and took off at a run. "Get someone to look after her!" she called wildly.

I need to find someone. Someone who believes, someone who doesn't have any doubts…

She figured it out, finally, and turned towards the staff wing. Mr. Summers.

When she arrived at his room, she had to open the door, and she did so very carefully so as not to repeat the debacle with Piotr's door. His drapes were closed over the window, making the room very dark. She stood silhouetted in the light from the hallway for just a moment, then stepped inside his room and closed the door behind her with a soft click.

Rogue. Stop this right now.

The Professor, his voice in her mind. So he knew what she was doing, even if he was nowhere to be seen. She was a little surprised it had taken him this long.

No, I can't. Not yet. She walked towards the bed on silent feet, trembling, exhausted but determined.

Come out right now, and we'll talk about this. I can help you, Rogue.

No. You can't. But Mr. Summers… her thoughts trailed off as she stood beside her teacher, looking down at him as he slept. She wondered if he dreamed in red, since that was how he must see everything. Maybe she'd find out, when she had his mind in hers.

Rogue, listen to me. You're the only one who can make this stop. No one else can give you what you want, and you'll hurt him, if you do this. You've hurt Rahne, do you know that? Please, Rogue, come out and stop this madness.

"I'm sorry," Rogue whispered, and though she meant that with every fiber of her being, she didn't listen. The Professor's voice faded from her mind as she reached down towards Mr. Summers' face, the only bare spot of skin she could see.

He awoke before she touched him, sitting up in bed and avoiding her hesitant touch.

"Stop," he said sternly, and she knew the Professor was communicating with him, telling him what she had done, what she was going to do. "This isn't the way, Rogue. You need to stop."

"Please," she whispered, reaching a hand out towards him. He stood up and moved away from her, putting the bed between them. "I just need—you're so sure, you're so certain, and I just can't take it anymore…"

"No. I won't let you do this to me." His hand went up, touched his visor. "Don't make me do this, Rogue. I don't want to hurt you."

She pulled off her other glove so that both her hands were bare. "It won't hurt," she promised him, figuring she needed to catch him off guard. He'd trained her well, and Rogue could move fast, thanks to all the physical training she'd had.

"Marie—listen to me. This isn't the way, and you know it." His voice was very calm, like he was lecturing her. "I know you don't mean this, I know you're just upset. I understand, and I want to help you."

At that, Rogue actually smiled. "You are going to help me,' she assured him, and then she moved, intending to jump over the bed and trap him against the wall.

The moment she tried, however, she found herself suspended in the air, which was an incredibly disconcerting sensation.

"I will not allow this, Rogue, and I've given you a chance to stop," a voice said sternly. "Sleep."

The Professor. She barely had to recognize the voice from the doorway before blackness descended, and she knew no more.