This is thethird part in my Modern Hymns series, the first being "Epiphany", the second "Realisation"

Warnings: Spoilers for "The Hive". Swearing. Shameless use of Czech (translation at the end.)

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I make no money, yadda, yadda, yadda.

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Rodney's fingers flew across the keyboard, the clicks of the keys the only sound in the empty lab. It was dinnertime on his first day back to work and although he was glad to be back, to be working, at the same time he was anxious as hell. He'd figured starting during dinner, when the rest of the staff was either going off-shift or eating, would give him the alone time he needed to get back into the flow of things without constantly being interrupted by a chorus of "Glad to see you back, McKay," or, worse, his co-workers' stares - basically, a chance to avoid the platitudes and sympathetic looks. He'd had enough of both over the past week.

He was reading through status reports and taking notes on his laptop when he heard the door slide open. He ignored the interruption, hoping the person would go away, until he heard John's voice saying, "Hey, McKay."

Rodney tensed and glanced up sharply to see John leaning against the doorframe. Immediately, he looked back to his computer. "Colonel," he said, his tone cool. He tapped away at the keyboard, trying to seem unconcerned.

He'd managed to avoid John in the week since the colonel had kicked him off the team, time he'd used to work with Heightmeyer, to get himself together, and to figure out how to live his life, post-enzyme. And he had got himself together - he felt a lot better now, not just physically but mentally, finally ready to focus, to get back to work. But now, with John in the doorway, he realised that he was still angry, ooh, he was pissed at the whole situation, at himself, and he just hadn't been ready to deal with John yet. And he wasn't ready now.

Damn it, he thought, his fingers hovering over the keys - he'd forgotten what he'd been typing.

"Heightmeyer tells me she cleared you for duty," John said from across the room.

Rodney simply nodded and kept his head down and his eyes on the screen, although the words had turned to meaningless gobbledy-gook in front of him.

"So, haven't seen you lately. You feeling better?" John asked.

Better, thought Rodney. He muttered, "bež do prdele," under his breath, grateful for that choice phrase he'd learnt from Radek. He didn't look up - if he did, he would probably kill the man. Instead he simply said, just loud enough for John to hear him, "Yeah, all better."

John walked to where Rodney was sitting and leaned in, his hands on the table beside Rodney's laptop. Rodney started typing again, nonsense, anything. He could see John's fingers splayed on the counter's surface, feel John's presence looming over him in the brightness of the lab.

John, obviously picking up on the tension, said, "Listen, McKay. I hope you understand that I -"

Rodney's head snapped up and he glared at John. "Yes, yes," he said sharply. At John's shocked expression, he took a breath before he continued, this time more calmly, "I understand. You really had no choice. I know that." With a bit of venom, he added, "After all, you have to do what's best for the team."

John nodded, looking uncomfortable. "Yes." He shifted awkwardly and pushed his hands into his pockets. "Speaking of which - we have a mission planned for tomorrow."

Rodney simply stared at him.

John raised an eyebrow.

Rodney found himself at a loss for words. Actually, he felt kind of shell-shocked. He'd expected this, of course. In fact he'd wanted this. Or he'd thought he had. So why wasn't he jumping at the chance?

John frowned. "We need you on the team. Teyla and Ronon -"

Rodney waved him off. "I know, I -" He frowned slightly.

John cocked his head to the side. "I figured you'd be a bit more enthusiastic."

Rodney hesitated, then decided to be honest. He exhaled, a slow and careful breath. "Yeah, I thought I would be, too. But..." He let his voice trail away.

"But?" John repeated.

"I understand why you made decision you did." Rodney pointed to his head. "I get it, but..."

"But?" John repeated, this time softer.

Rodney shrugged again. "It's like I don't get it," he said, and placed a clenched fist against his chest.
John opened his mouth to speak, but Rodney ran over him, his voice quiet, his tone soft. "You said yourself, this is partly your fault." Seeing the look on John's face, Rodney continued, his voice getting louder and faster, his hands flying. "Not that I'd have done anything different, even if I knew about the lower dosage, and not that I really believe it's your fault," he said, emphasising "believe". "It was my choice, my fault, but..." Rodney knew that he was rambling and he rolled his eyes, pausing for a second. He clenched his hands in his lap, stilling them. "That's not it. You took me off the team." He gave John a cold half-smile. "And you weren't particularly nice about it." Rodney broke eye contact. "In your same situation, I'd probably do the same. But still." He sat in silence as he thought, trust runs both ways. I'd thought we were friends. He looked back up at John. "It's not a rational thing. I just need a little bit more time."

"Away from me?" John asked.

Rodney looked at him in surprise, then realised that he was right. "Yeah, probably. I think so."

Rodney saw hurt flash across John's face, but the colonel recovered quickly.

"Fine, that's all right," John said, shifting away from Rodney. "I'll see you later, then."

Rodney watched as John spun and walked away. As he got to the door and it opened, Rodney, using his name purposefully, said, "John!"

John turned in the open doorway.

Rodney smiled awkwardly. "Would you - in a couple days, would you ask me again?"

"Sure," John shot out. He hesitated a moment in the doorway. "I am sorry."

Rodney nodded, and his eyes followed John as he left. As Rodney turned back to his laptop, he said, "Yeah. So am I."

x-x

"bež do prdele," Czech for f- off.

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Boy, that was depressing. But sometimes things need to get worse before they get better. And I do plan to end this on a relatively positive note. Please review and let me know what you think so far!