A word from the author: My stories are like London buses. You wait four months for an update, then two come along at once. (And when they do, they're full of freaks and a bit smelly.) Thanks for reading x.
…….
Molly Weasley was sitting at her kitchen table, weeping.
Snape's first instinct was to step right back into the fireplace and get as far away as possible, but his inner Slytherin suggested that she could be of more use to him in her emotional state. Over the last few months she had provided invaluable assistance to the fathers-to-be, and had seemed very interested in the unusual occurrence of a male pregnancy. He would not describe her as a friend, exactly, because in Severus' life there had only ever been one friend, and his body was now lying in the rocky earth of the compound of Azkaban prison. She was well-disposed towards him, which was good enough. And discreet, which was even better.
"Oh hello, Severus," she sniffed, smiling and self-consciously dabbing at her wet face. "Come on in, dear, don't mind a silly old woman!"
"Is anything wrong, Molly?" he asked as she led him to a chair and helped him put his feet up.
"No, not wrong exactly," she chuckled, still leaking alarming amounts of water. "I doubt anyone else would understand. It's just that…well, just listen."
They listened for a moment. Snape frowned.
"I am afraid I hear nothing," he confessed, wondering if temporary deafness was one of the thousand unfortunate side-effects of pregnancy.
"Precisely," she was still smiling and still crying. "Total silence. In this house! My babies have grown up and gone away! Every single day I am grateful that they are all healthy and enjoying their own lives, but sometimes I wish they were still here with their daft old Mummy."
Snape nodded. He had heard of the phenomenon, of course. 'Empty-nest syndrome', it was called. It was the reason that witches went on self-discovery pilgrimages to all-female cults in Transylvania, or that middle-aged wizards suddenly decided they had to start dressing like colour-blind children.
"Naturally I cannot empathise completely," he explained softly, "But I have been experiencing dreams with the same foundation."
She mopped her face again and looked interested.
"Of course, it may just be a result of all the cheese I need to consume lately, but at least once a week I dream that I am in charge of a precious egg which I must protect at all costs. Eventually the egg hatches and a baby emerges, but she flies away and no matter how fast I run, I cannot bring her back. I know it is only a dream, but it makes me afraid. How will I be able to take care of this child once she is born? And how will I ever let her go when she grows up?" he realised he was wringing his hands as he spoke, so held the arms of the chair instead. This was not something he had discussed before. He felt rather foolish for being worried about his baby growing up and leaving him, when she wasn't even ready to leave his body yet.
Molly was not mocking him. She smiled knowingly and reassured him that this was what parenthood was all about. Constant worry about doing the right thing. Teaching your children how to be independent then hating it when they proved they didn't need you. Fear of outside influences beyond your control on young minds. Severus now grudgingly admitted that the hysterical parents of first-year Slytherins who bombarded him with letters and floo-calls for the first six weeks of term may not have been as mental as he had always believed. Eleven years was no great age to be sent away from home, after all. He began stroking the bump, though whether he was trying to soothe his daughter or himself, he did not care to consider.
"I'm sure that you and Remus will manage just fine," she beamed at him, all tears forgotten as she counselled the younger man. She rose to fetch a pot of tea and Severus decided it was time to act. In both senses of the word.
"Actually, Molly, I am rather concerned about Remus' commitment to our child," he said miserably. She turned and laughed.
"Remus? You have nothing to fear there, dear. Remus is as excited as you about being a Dad! What brought this on?" She turned back to the stove, smiling to herself.
"He has a lover," Snape said, enjoying the look of shock on her face as she spun round to face him. Perfect! And she hadn't heard the best part yet.
Just then the floo flared and Dumbledore appeared with Fawkes perched sleepily on his shoulder. Internally Severus grinned with delight. This was better than he could have imagined! Dumbledore's face broke into rapturous beaming on spotting Severus and he came rushing over to place his ear against the round belly and listen for the baby's heartbeat.
"Lovely and strong, dear boy! Ouch!" he exclaimed, as she promptly deafened him with a well-placed kick. "Goodness me! What a lively one! I think we have a champion Beater in the making here!"
Fawkes flapped nonchalantly down to the floor and busied himself in trying to look up Molly's skirt until she caught him and threw him outside to play with the gnomes.
"Don't you dare set fire to Arthur's shed again! I'll have you on the top of the Christmas tree before you can say 'Gunpowder, Treason and Plot'!" she threatened. "Did you have to bring that dreadful bird, Albus, dear?"
"Never mind about him, Molly," he said, settling into the chair next to Snape and eyeing them both avidly. "I want to hear all about whatever it is that made you look so horrified when I arrived."
So Severus told him.
Then he told them both the identity of Remus' new lover.
All over the village of Ottery-St Catchpole, birds rose out of the trees in alarm at the sound of an ear-splitting bellow.
"WHAAAAAT?"
Fawkes glanced up from the wriggling gnome he was dismembering, then loped with the inelegant manner of all winged creatures when on terra firma over to the scene of the disturbance. He hoped there was a fight. He enjoyed the Grumpy Dark One's explosions of temper almost as much as Albus did.
He was disappointed to find neither fighting nor duelling. Not even any mild cursing. Probably because the Grumpy Dark One was expecting a clutch, he felt the need to be calm. Birds cannot 'tut', but a phoenix can roll its eyes. Fawkes did so now.
Much to his consternation, Dumbledore ignored him.
"Harry?" Molly and Albus gaped in a chorus of horror. Severus was thoroughly enjoying himself now. He looked away as though trying to hide his chagrin.
"And now that P…Harry has been suspended from his duties at the Auror's office for a year, I fear that he will occupy most of Remus' time," he bit his lower lip for emphasis. "I cannot compete with James and Lily Potter's son! With Black's godson! There's no way that Remus will choose the company of an ugly old thing like me and a howling babe when he could be having a lust-fest with his pretty young boy." Severus surprised even himself when he burst into tears. Mr Oscar, eat your heart out, he thought.
Unfortunately, though he was exaggerating for the benefit of his audience, he was feeling rather afraid of desertion. He was fairly sure that Molly and Albus would be willing to help him raise the baby, so he wouldn't be completely alone, but he had originally chosen Lupin because he had hoped for the total devotion to the child that only a parent can have. Snape was not enough on his own. Cantankerous, irrational and anti-social, he knew he was not suited to nurturing a young person alone.
Albus and Molly rushed forward to comfort him, and for once he did not mind being touched. The more allies he could make for the baby's sake, the better. The old wizard held his hand while the matriarch pressed his head against her bosom. Surprisingly, it was actually rather pleasant. They were both livid, he could tell, and he crowed at the thought of their anger on his behalf. He hoped he had used just the right terminology to make Lupin and Potter's little dalliance seem even more sordid. He wrapped his arms around his bump.
"I don't want her to grow up not knowing her father!" he sniffed miserably.
"Of course you don't!" huffed Molly. "You've wanted nothing but the best for this little one since the very beginning. This is a horrible development and I will do everything in my power to remedy the situation." Snape could not see her face, but her voice had taken on an ominous quality which made him shiver on Remus' behalf.
"I think it's time went to have a little chat with Remus," said Dumbledore mildly, but even from his restricted position, Severus could see little sparks of something blue flickering in the kindly old eyes.
That was the moment when Ron Weasley popped his head into the fireplace to ask his Mum why all his white shirts had gone pink despite having used the right laundry spell, while his red jumper seemed to be perfectly all right.
…….
"What did she say?" asked Harry, kneeling on Ron's floor surrounded by clothes, sorting out unaffected items from inexplicably pink ones. On the positive side, even the pink ones smelled clean. Ron's face was contorted with disgust.
"I didn't get the chance to ask. Snape was there!" he moaned. "Cuddling my Mum! Gross!"
"Snape was cuddling?" Harry wasn't sure he could take many more shocks to his system.
"Well, she was cuddling him," he admitted, knowing very well how easy it was to inexplicably find oneself maternally molested when wandering innocently around the Burrow. "But still! Yuk! And Dumbledore was there too, and Fawkes. Man, he'd better not have set Dad's shed on fire again! Mum'll barbeque him and Dumbledore both!"
But Harry was no longer listening. He hated the way Remus was always talking about Snape's baby instead of listening to what Harry had to say. He knew that the potions master had used some kind of dark magic to get himself knocked up, while abusing Remus' sweet nature for his own evil ends. If only he could uncover the deadly secret and reveal it to Remus, the sexy werewolf would be his and his alone!
He hesitated for a moment before deciding on his next move. He would be breaking the law as well as Ministry regulations, but he was already on sabbatical and would be able to claim temporary insanity, should anyone find out. It was too good an opportunity to miss, he chose a wild course of action.
He would go to Snape's house and dig some dirt. The place was probably surrounded with all manner of dangerous wards and protections, but he had spent most of his second year learning how to recognise and neutralise dark spells in order to infiltrate suspects' houses. He was very good at it, in fact. Harry was certain that whatever horrors the Slytherin used to protect his property while he was away, they would be far less dangerous than a confrontation with the creature in his own lair. That pearl of wisdom was not learned from the Auror Training Scheme. That one was from Hagrid.
"Do you think perhaps we should have separated the light clothes from the dark?" asked Ron, still grimacing at his New Look. The majority of each shirt was pastel-pink, but for some reason, all collars and cuffs were a very fetching shade of puce. Every day of the year, Ron wished he had a house elf. "Harry? Earth to Harry! Are you listening? Hey, have you really gone a bit funny in the head, mate?"
Harry stood with determination, oblivious to his friend's little joke.
"Ron, I'm sorry about the washing, but I have to go," he said, setting his chin at a brave angle.
"Go? But you just got here. Are you OK?" Ron looked bewildered now, recognising that look from days gone by. "What's happened? Is it dangerous? Shall I come with you?"
"No, Ron. Thank you, but it's something I have to do alone," he moved over to the fireplace and struck an heroic pose. "I'll tell you all about it later, if I survive." He vanished in a 'whoomph' of green flame.
Ron was left alone with an armful of spoiled laundry, feeling very, very confused.
"I should be used to this by now," he muttered to no one in particular.
…….
Severus, Molly and Albus were still discussing how best to handle the situation when a terrified Pip appeared in the Weasleys' kitchen.
"Master Snape, Master Snape! Is terrible! Oh! No! No! No!" she shrieked fearfully, clutching at her ears and hopping from foot to foot.
"What's wrong, Pip?" Severus started up out of his chair, as quickly as he could manage.
"Intruder! The wards is all going haywire! Someone is in the house! No, no," she wailed, baring her teeth which were lengthening noticeably. "Someone is come to hurt the baby! No! Won't hurt Master's baby! Pip kill them first!"
"Now, Pip," warned Dumbledore. "Severus and his baby are here, they are both quite well, I can assure you, there will be no need for killing."
"Grrr," went Pip, startling Molly, who had never seen a house-elf grow so protective when their master's home was under threat before. Kreacher had relied on threatening skulking rather than preparing himself for actual confrontation.
"Who can it be?" Snape wondered aloud, recalling the list of Death Eaters who were still evading capture, plus a dozen or so others who had a grudge against him. He was under no illusions. Very many people wished him harm.
"There is only one way to find out, dear boy," said Dumbledore, pulling his wand from the sleeve of his garish orange robe, looking altogether too excited at the prospect of a skirmish. "And whomever it is, they are about to get more than they bargained for!"
…….
Harry knew he had to work quickly. It had taken him almost half an hour to disable all the boobytrap wards but there had been some odd magical traces which he suspected were remote alarms, though there was no actual noise inside the house.
He was surprised to find himself inside a fairly ordinary, modestly furnished country house, nothing like the gothic mansion he had been expecting. It didn't even have a pretentious name featuring words like 'manor', 'towers' or even 'hall', just the simple address of 9, Maltings Lane. Harry was rather disappointed.
Once inside he headed for the basement, which he reasonably imagined to be the location of Snape's private potions lab and therefore his notes on how best to have one's wicked way with innocent werewolves. But after four attempts, the door still refused to yield. On the fifth attempt, the handle released a foul-smelling green vapour which made Harry immediately cast a bubble-head charm and give up. Cursing, he beat a hasty retreat up the stairs, scratching at the unpleasant rash which had begun to form on his hands.
Time was running out now, for sure. He cast around the living-room until his eyes fell upon a leather-bound notebook lying on a coffee table next to the sofa. Hoping it was a personal diary, Harry snatched it up but was upset to find that it just contained a series of indecipherable lists. Snape was obviously one of those people with ordered, scientific minds who needed to put pros and cons down on paper before making a decision.
How dull, thought Harry, until he found the last-but-two list in the book. His own name was there, along with Remus', and lots of other men of Snape's acquaintance. With a jolt he realised what he was looking at. He let out an explosive laugh. The sneaky git had chosen Remus as the most suitable person to father his brat after ruling out everyone else, including Harry himself! Oh perfect, this was perfect!
"Harry!"
The Boy-who-lived spun around to see Dumbledore staring at him, wand raised and battle-ready, with Mrs Weasley and Snape just behind. The most ferocious-looking house elf he had ever seen was advancing towards him, ears flat against its little head, glaring through slitted eyes and growling. Without a shadow of a doubt, Harry was in big trouble.
"Hi!" he tried a smile. No one smiled back.
"What are you doing in my home, Potter?" spat Snape, folding his arms across his chest as evilly he could manage whilst heavily pregnant.
Harry was not cowed. He brandished the notebook, open at the vital page, so the potions master could see who held the upper hand.
"Oh, Just doing a bit of reading," he shrugged, watching Snape's face drain of all colour as he recognised his list. Harry was exultant. This was, without doubt, one of the finest moments of his life. He had finally got one over the greasy old sod and now Harry and Remus could live happily ever after.
Snape did not remain in shock for long. There was no way he would let this arrogant whelp ruin his Grand Plan. He glanced at the coffee table and saw something Harry had not, something which made him almost laugh out loud in relief. If Harry wanted to play at sneakiness and blackmail, then that was his choice.
At 21 years of age, he really should have known better than to tangle with the master schemer. Snape gave a smirk and pointed to a small sheaf of parchment on the table.
"I see. That explains why we found you in the same the room as the exam paper which you are due to re-sit next week. Unsupervised, uninvited and breaking the law," his eyes bored into Harry as he watched this revelation sink in.
Molly gasped in horror at the implication. Dumbledore strode forward and picked up the papers, holding them up so everyone could see that it was indeed the third year Auror Training Scheme Potions Theory Examination (Second Sitting), which by fortunate chance, Severus had been giving one last proof-read that very morning.
"Wha…!" gaped Harry, elation vanishing. Dumbledore looked scandalised, Snape smug and Molly just about ready to skin him alive.
"Harry James Potter!" she exploded at him like a flock of pre-menstrual harpies. "Were you cheating!"
"No, I…" he tried to explain, but was cut off.
"Harry, my boy, I am most disappointed in you," Albus shook his head from side to side sadly.
Severus deliberated his next move carefully. Though he would be able to enjoy the moment when he ruined Potter's career for the rest of his life if he pursued this course, the brat would probably still show the baby list to Lupin, thus utterly screwing up his plans. Five years ago there would have been no contest. Five years ago Snape wallowed in the hurts of the past, lashing out whenever possible to spread his misery far and wide. That was before he had a future. He would not risk his daughter's happiness for the sake of an old grudge.
Besides, if he took the other option, he would be in Dumbledore's good books for the rest of his life, not to mention having a useful hold over Potter. He took a deep breath, still hating what he was about to do.
"Albus, I do not believe Potter came here with the intention of stealing a look at the exam paper," he said evenly. Everyone stared, clearly having expected him to leap in and tear the young man to shreds. Snape glared at Harry, then the notebook, then back at Harry.
Catching on immediately, Harry closed the book and placed it back on the table.
"The professor is right. Until you pointed it out just now, sir, I had no idea the paper was here. Please believe me?" he implored Dumbledore and Mrs Weasley.
"Then what was you up to, sneaking like rat around Master's house!" snarled the elf, who seemed barely able to restrain herself from gouging his eyes out.
"I…I wanted to speak to him, but he would not answer the floo. I thought he was pretending to be out in order to avoid me," he glanced at Snape again, who nodded. That sounded plausible enough. He probably would have gone to great lengths in order to avoid the brat, had he come knocking.
"I see," said the ancient wizard slowly. "Do you swear, Harry, that you were not here to cheat?"
"Yes, sir," he turned an open countenance to Dumbledore, and was relieved to feel the faint brush of Legilimency against his mind. That was the easiest way to prove he was telling the truth.
"Very well," he pronounced, with all the gravity of a judge repealing a death sentence. "But I must reprimand you for breaking and entering property without permission. I understand that you are on leave from the Ministry, otherwise I should be forced to report you."
"Thank you, sir. I apologise unreservedly. I was not thinking. And sorry, Professor Snape," their eyes met for a moment of understanding, the air between them almost crackling with intensity.
Black eyes said: 'You are out of your depth, little boy.'
Green eyes said: 'You won this round, but I can match your machinations any day!'
Then black eyes said; 'Indeed? Watch this.'
"Severus, are you all right?" asked Molly suddenly, as the colour drained from his face for the second time in five minutes. He shook his head weakly and stammered in a wavering voice.
"N...no, I'm afraid I feel r…rather…ah!"
As Snape had hoped, Albus spun round with a lightning-fast 'Arresto Momentum' before he hit the floor and levitated him gently onto the sofa. Pip allowed herself one scream of terror, then vanished to fetch a glass of water, a box of first-aid potions and other useful paraphernalia.
Severus lay back, fluttering his lashes and smiling with self-sacrificing bravery and stroking his fingers over the baby, as the others fussed around him.
"Excuse me, all the excitement must have been too much. My condition makes me delicate," he quavered. Albus and Molly turned to glare accusingly at Harry, who swallowed. Green eyes met black again.
Green eyes said: 'OK, you're good.'
Black eyes said: 'You ain't seen nothing yet, as our dreadful American cousins might say.'
Harry smiled sweetly at Snape, and made a little bow.
"Thank you for being so understanding, sir. I'd better go now and let you get some rest. Remus," he delicately drew out the word, as though savouring every letter, "will be wondering where I am."
Severus was too firmly ensconced in his 'wilting flower' act to risk answering that statement with the sneer it clearly deserved.
Snape's face betrayed none of the jubilation he felt inside. So Potter had shown his hand, and the tug-of-war for Remus could begin in earnest. Had the pregnant wizard been born a Griffindor, he may have felt guilt at the uneven odds – it was two against one after all. The struggle would be most entertaining, not least because the vile brat stood no chance against a wily old veteran and an adorable mini-Lupin.
And it seemed that Severus was not the only one to be excited. Momentarily safe from all the scheming in her adoring Papa's belly, the baby began an anticipatory war-dance.
…….
A/N: Sweet Merlin! Look at all those lovely, long reviews! Thank you my dears! I really appreciate your opinions on my little slashy triangle!
A massive THANK YOU to Oya for, once again, dashing off a nice review within minutes of my posting an update! It's really reassuring to get feedback once I've bared my soul. Have you started writing yourself yet? I couldn't resist writing the list What Would Lucius Do, heh heh! Severus knows it would not do to say this aloud, but he does miss Lucius, in all his beautiful, evil glory.
K Lupin: Yes, I lost my muse for this story for a long time. Think it was after the big shock at the end of HBP. Have got a few ideas now though! I'm glad you have Severus' happiness in mind. Don't worry, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
Arch Nemesis: Battle now engaged! Let slip the dogs of war etc.
AngelTalion: We'll have to wait and see. Nothing good comes easy, does it?
Kate: I confess, I do enjoy Harry-bashing, but I hope I got across that he's not really so evil, just a little confused right now.
Risi: You're right, Harry desperately needs time out. My Severus has never been the open-and-honest coming-clean sort, but you never know. We'll have to see what he has in store for our favourite lycanthrope. Though I am a natural Snupinist, I believe there is a case here for RL/HP, which is why I still haven't made my mind up yet. Be warned, I may well freak out and end up with some SS/HP, just to complicate matters further! (Cackles).
Catsdragon72: Why thank you! I was going to dedicate that last chapter to anyone who has ever made a totally stupid mistake in an exam. I know I have. (Cringes).
Lucidity: (Waves) Ello! Hm, I could be wrong, but I think you may have been guilty of subliminal messaging there. I thought most men used their trouser-brains before the ones in their head? We haven't heard a lot about what Remus thinks lately, so I next time he's due a bit of internal-monologue angst etc.
Anyone actually been to Snape Maltings in Suffolk? Such a great name for a town, I couldn't resist popping in a reference. Sounds like an evil milkshake bar or something, doesn't it?
Thanks for taking the time to read, hope you stay with me x