Original Trainer Adventures
By Asha Leu/Cyclone49
Chapter 5: The Jackass returns.
Bobby, Katie and Grimer stared at the strange people standing in front of them. The one on the right was a very overweight middle-aged man with thick black hair and an unshaven beard, the one on the left was a younger, very well-endowed blond haired woman with a huge amount of make-up on and a whip in one hand. Both were wearing ratty, gray costumes with brown D's painted on the front.
"Devastation from ve are protecting ze vorld!" the man said, in a heavy Russian accent.
"In our nation all people ve uniting!" the woman replied, in an equally heavy German accent.
"Truth and love ve denounce ze evils of!"
"Reach of high stars ve shall be extending!"
"Vladimir!"
"Gruntilda!"
"Blasting off at lightning speed Team Dirt vill!"
"Fighting prepare for if surrendering not now!"
"Marill, that's right!" a Marill cried in a deep, gravelly voice, jumping in front of Vladimir and Gruntilda.
"Uh... hi." Bobby said, "Well, we're going to leave now, so, uh, bye!"
"Not so fast!" Marill shouted.
"Yeah, ve are here to steal ze Pokeymen!" Gruntilda cried.
"Win you won't against Team Dirt!" Vladimir said threateningly.
"Hey, you look really familiar..." Katie said to Gruntilda, "Weren't you in some German fetish video? I remember my older brother Moe downloaded it, but then my Dad accidentally discovered it, and as punishment he confiscated it from my brother and often watched it to remind himself how disgusting it was."
"Hey, look little kid, I vas young and needed money!" Gruntilda said, "Anyvay, ve shall be taking ze pokeymen now. Go Cubone!"
"Go Rhyhorn!" Vladimir cried, as they sent out their Pokemon.
"Go Taillow." Bobby said, as Taillow flew out of it's Pokeball.
"Rhyhorn! Use ztomp!" Vladimir ordered. The Rhyhorn pounced on the Taillow, crushing it with it's feet.
"Erm... Taillow, return..." Bobby said nervously, returning Taillow to it's pokeball.
-----
Goja ran for his life. The Nurse Joy's were pursuing him, and as he turned the corner, he saw he was running into a dead end. Looking around frantically, he saw a sewer manhole in the middle of the road.
He pried it open and jumped down into the foul sludge below.
------
The two Nurse Joys jumped down shortly after.
"Oh dear god..." the first Joy muttered when they landed in the river of excrements.
"Be careful," the second Joy said, "It's Muk mating season right now, and they generally aren't very selective about which species they breed with."
------
"Okay... go Slugma. " Bobby said, sending out Slugma, "Slugma, use... Katie, what attacks does this thing have?"
"I don't know. It's a fire Pokemon. Try fire blast or fire spin or something."
"Okay. Slugma, use fire blast!" Slugma stared at him incredulously for a second, wondering how he got this idiot for a trainer. At least Paul knew how to win a battle. Of course, he used to lock Slugma in the refrigerator whenever he lost, or even when he won sometimes, but at least the abusive son of a bitch knew what he was doing. He shook his blobby head and then used it's ember attack on Cubone, shooting a small flame at it.
"Bone!" Cubone cried, as the flames scorched it.
------
Goja ran through the depths of the sewer, almost tripping over the disemboweled body of Charles Portman that had just been deposited there. Looking breifly over his shoulder, he saw that the Joy's couldn't be seen.
"My ninja training is coming in handy..." he thought to himself. Running through the sludge, he suddenly stubbed his toe on something and tripped over.
------
The Joys trudged through the sewers, completely lost. Timmy had completely lost them, and now there were in a dark passage way knee deep in shit.
"Why don't we just go back," the second Joy complained, "We could just say he died."
"No, we have to catch at least one escaped prisoner this month, or we'll be fired." the first Joy replied. Suddenly, the sludge behind the second Joy rose up, forming a vaguely humanoid shape.
"MUUUUUUUUK!" it cried happily. The Muk leaped on the second Joy, pinning her to the ground.
"Help!" she cried, prying her head above the sludge, "I think this Muk is trying to mate with me!"
"MUK!" Muk added.
"Um... you're on your own!" the first Joy yelled, running for dear life.
------
"Voltorb." said the small red and white orb Goja had tripped over.
"Oh dear..." Goja started, as the Voltorb started to glow white. This glowing illuminated the room, and Goja saw that this entire chamber was filled with dozens of Voltorbs and Electrodes. The all started to glow, filling the room with angry cried of "Voltorb!" and "Trode!"
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"Grimer, get them." Bobby said desperately. The Cubone had defeated his Slugma, and now he only had Grimer left, "Grimer, use, uh..." He leaned over to Katie and whispered in her ear, "Katie, what's a really strong move?"
"I don't know, um, fissure? I think that's strong."
"Can Grimer use that?"
"I don't know, I'm not some Pokemon nerd, my cousin Simon is. And he always gets beaten up for it, even by his teachers, and now his mother Daisy has to hire these Machamps to protect him, since she's really rich after doing these adult movies about ten years ago. Coincidentally, Simon was born about nine or ten months after she did these movies. Anyway, the plan backfired, since the Machamps liked to beat him up too."
"Stop whispering you little kids, and give us ze Pokeymen for us to give to ze Boss!" Vladimir shouted angrily.
"Okay, Grimer, use fissure!" Bobby cried.
"Grime?" Grimer asked, puzzled. Shrugging, it stomped the ground, having little effect.
------
"Timmy, there you are!" the first Joy shouted, running into the chamber, "Wow, it's bright in here- Oh no."
"NOW WE SHALL ALL GO TO NINJA HEAVEN!" Goja laughed maniacally, and he threw a rock at the biggest Electrode.
------
Grimer stomped the ground a second time, as the Rhyhorn ran towards him. Suddenly, the ground under Team Dirt and their Pokemon exploded, sending them flying and showering excrement and body parts on Bobby, Katie and Grimer.
"Blasting off Team Dirt are!" Team Dirt screamed, as they hurtled through the air, landing a few miles outside town.
"Well. That was lucky." Katie said.
"Lucky?" Bobby cried, "We are covered in shit and body parts! I just got hit in the head by the head of a Nurse Joy!" Katie picked up the severed head.
"Wow, Uncle Stan used to have a collection of heads. This one is in pretty good condition too, much better condition than some of Uncle Stan's heads. If he was still alive he would have liked this one."
"Well, since he's not alive, you're not going to take it, are you?" Bobby said hopefully.
"Nah, Uncle Cletus may like it, but he generally prefers to collect animal body parts." She tossed the head into the large hole that was now in the middle of the road.
"Anyway, we'd better get ourselves cleaned up and heal our Pokemon," Bobby said, "There's got to be a way to get into that Pokemon Center again without been recognized..."
"What if we went to that rival Pokemon Center over there," Katie suggested, pointing to a small, dilapidated building with "Ze Pokemon Center" crudely painted on the front.
"I don't know, the person standing in front of that building is wearing the same clothes as the people we just fought." Bobby pointed to a scarred, muscular man in Team Dirt uniform standing near the door of the Pokemon Center.
"Oh well, let's try it anyway." Katie said. The walked into the Pokemon Center, which basically just seemed to be a small shack. A very large, frightening looking old woman with a disgruntled looking Pinsir next to her which had been painted pink were standing at the makeshift counter. Three other men were playing a card game in the corner.
"Full house," one of the men said, "Hand all the money over."
"Look, man, I don't have any money..." another man said nervously.
"Well, you going to have to pay me somehow." the first man growled, pulling out a knife.
"Okay, okay, man, um... alright, have Sally!" the second man said sadly, handing the first man a baby that was nearby, "Oh man, my wife is going to kill me..."
"Er, hi, is this the Pokemon Center?" Bobby asked tentatively.
"Wha, Pokemon Cent- Oh, right, ze scam!" the old woman said in a thick Russian accent, "Yes, zis is a Pokemon Center. Give me ze Pokemon and I vill steal, I mean, heal zem," She held out out hands eagerly, "Just give zem to, uh, Chansey here." She pointed to the pink Pinsir, which glared at her. Katie grabbed her Pokemon and started to hand them over. Bobby quickly stopped her.
"You know, we might just go somewhere else." Bobby said, dragging Katie out of the "Pokemon Center".
"Hey, she seemed really trustworthy." Katie protested.
"Okay, we need a way to get back into the proper Pokemon Center," Bobby said, looking around the city. Grimer tugged on his shirt.
"Grimer grime!" Grimer cried, pointing to a building nearby. "Crazy Alf's Crazy Costumes!" was written on the front.
"Good idea Grimer." Bobby said.
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"Uh, hello, my name is, um, Sketchy Roberts and this is my friend, erm, Flower Katelyn," Bobby said, wearing a long, red wig and sunglasses. Katie stood nearby, wearing a sombrero and a fake mistache.
"...okay." Nurse Joy said, staring at the strange people in front of her, "You two may want to wash up too, you smell worse than that Grimer."
"We know." Bobby said, and he and Katie walked upstairs.
------
Two hours and 55 dollars later, Bobby, Katie and Grimer left the Pokemon Center, fully washed and their Pokemon fully healed.
"So, where should we go now?" Bobby asked.
"Well, I think there's a Gym nearby, why don't we try and win a badge?" Katie suggested. They walked to through the town to the Gym, which seemed in worse shape then the fake Pokemon Center. A man stood out the front.
"Stop, you may not enter this Gym?" the man cried, blocking entrance to the door.
"Um, why not?" Katie asked.
"If you wish to enter this Gym, you must pass a test of endurance and prowess. You must go to the Cave of Violent and Painful Death and retrieve the prized Snimmiteanaj Crystal. "
"What's the point of that?" Bobby asked.
"It proves you are a worthy trainer," the man replied, "That, and the crystals are worth a lot of money."
"Okay, where is this cave?" Bobby asked.
"It is in the Mundane Meadows, near the Lake of Many Drownings. You can't miss it, there's a very angry Swampert in the lake which likes to eat passing travelers. The cave has lots of Ursarings in it, so if a whole group of them pounce on you and started tearing your limbs off, you'll know you are in the right cave." Immediately a man stumbled up to the Gym. He was covered in blood and one of his arms was missing. In his other arm he held a blue gem.
"Hey man," he gasped, "I got the gem!"
"Oh, hey Joe. Where's that cute girl who was traveling with you?" the man at the door asked.
"She... didn't make it?" Joe said, "So, can I fight the Gym leader now?" He handed the man the gem.
"Sorry, this isn't the Snimmiteanaj Crystal, this is the Pohsibaneres Gem. The Snimmiteanaj Crystal is green. You'll have to go back into the cave."
"Aww... man, half my Pokemon died in there..." Joe sad sadly, walked off towards the Mundane Meadows.
"Well, do you want to go get the crystal now?" the man at the door asked.
"Erm... I think we'll pass actually." Bobby said. They walked away.
"Okay, where do we go now?" Bobby asked.
"Hmm... according to this map, the next city is Stupidia City. To get through it we have to have through the Mountain of Certain Death."
"Where did you get a map?"
"I got it off one of the people we pick pocketed earlier," Katie put the map back in her pocket, and she and Bobby started towards the exit of the city.
"Not so fast!" a familiar voice cried. Bobby and Katie turned around to see Clyde standing behind them, "Well, Bobby, we meet again. This time, our battle shall be much more glorious for me! This time, I shall have the victory! This time, my Pokemon shall be the stronger! This time, I shall be the greatest Trainer!"
"Who the hell is this?" Katie asked.
"This is Clyde. He's a douche bag." Bobby replied.
"Well, Bobby, prepare for battle!" Clyde yelled.
-----
Sammy Richards happily headed towards Professor Oak's lab. Today was the day he started his Pokemon Journey. His best friend Lucas had left Slopbucket Town on his Pokemon journey yesterday with his faithful Taillow. He was sure that Lucas and Taillow were already having lots of fun, and Lucas was thoroughly enjoying his time as a Pokemon trainer. Sammy couldn't wait to meet up with Lucas and have lots of fun training Pokemon together.
Sammy knocked on Professor Oak's door eagerly. A few minutes later Gary Oak answered the door, staring at Sammy with bleary, bloodshot eyes.
"Eh... who are you?" Gary asked.
"I'm Sammy. I'm here to get my Pokemon."
"Oh, right, Pokemon. Well, come in. Try not to trip over the beer bottles." Gary led Sammy into his lab.
"Who's that guy sleeping over there?" Sammy asked enthusiastically, "Is he one of your lab assistants?"
"Uh, yeah, sure..." Oak said, "Anyway, choose your Pokemon!" He said, pointing at the table.
"Um... there aren't any Pokemon there," Sammy said nervously. He was getting nervous, this place smelled like the special herbs his mother kept in the backyard and told him to never, ever, touch, and he didn't like that smell.
"Wha?" Oak said, confused, "I was sure I had a Pokemon there. Okay, just wait a second Scotty," Professor Oak walked into the back room and started searching through all the pokeballs trainers had sent to him. He picked a random pokeball, not noticing the ancient runes on it, and walked back into the lab, "Well, here's your Pokemon kid..." Oak handed him the pokeball and walked off.
"Wow... my first pokemon..." Sammy said happily. He was so excited, he wondered what it might be. Maybe a Rattata, or a Pidgey, or something cute like a Sentret or Clefairy or Torchic. He wasn't like some of those stupid kids like his friend Mary Sue who just wanted legendary Pokemon, he was happy to start off with common Pokemon. Well, there was only one way to find out what it was.
"Go, Pokemon!" Sammy cried. A glow of light filled the room.
"Zaaaaap-DOS!"