I Was a Teenage Chocobo
by Lady Pyrefly
Author's Note: This idea came to me while watching B-rated movies with Spork the Unstoppable, my little brother. For those of you who don't know, a B-rated movie is a really cheesy one like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, or really old Godzilla movies still in Japanese with English subtitles. They rock! One more thing, this is my first attempt at humor, so please tell me if there's something I can do to make it better. Enjoi.
----------
Chapter One-Of Microwaves and Arguments
----------
It was a beautiful day in Balamb Garden. There was sun, sea, and the horrifying shrieks of an angry Rinoa.
"What do you mean, 'mission'?" she demanded. The entire Garden was off of their schedules, because they were busy listening in on the argument taking place in the library.
"What's the problem?" Squall asked, in the terrified voice only a man who was facing Death in a back alley knew.
"PROBLEM? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!" Rinoa screamed. It probably wasn't the best time for Squall to notice this, but Rinoa's face was turning scarlet as she screamed. Squall backed up a few paces, and tripped over a chair. He looked over at the quiet librarian for help, but she had given up far long ago on trying to hush Rinoa. It may have been around the time that Rinoa threatened to take out her eyes with a melon scooper. Ah yes, he remembered why he loved Rinoa.
"I'm sorry, Rin, it's urgent. If I don't get Laguna straightened out with the shumi ambassadors, he'll end up embarrassing himself by trying to imitate their accents or something. It'd be horrible." Squall couldn't help it. Even though Rinoa was his girlfriend, he was responsible for the rest of the world too.
"Fine. Go, then. See if I care." Now things were getting really scary. Rinoa had progressed past the point of screaming her fury. No, she was now scarily calm, a perfect sorceress.
But Squall didn't have time to care. He needed to go, now. If he missed his train, not only would President Laguna cause a world war, he would be stuck at Balamb with Rinoa who hated him at this moment. Behold the glories of being a SeeD. Squall quickly left, being careful not to turn his back on the seething Rinoa. Who knew what kind of spell she'd put on him?
As the commander walked down the hallways to the cafeteria, he felt the eyes of the entire Garden on him, and wished the school wasn't circular shaped. What he really needed now was a quick shortcut.
- - -
"Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog," Zell chanted, grinning like an idiot. He walked into the mass freezer in the Cafeteria and returned with a economy-sized package of hot dogs. He broke the seal and inserted one into a giant microwave.
Unfortunately, Zell did not see the warnings on top of the hot dog package, which read, "WARNING: do not microwave this product! WARNING!"
Zell pressed the buttons on the microwave and watched the hot dog spin.
ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP!
- - -
ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP!
Squall, who had been walking through the cafeteria to get food, felt a horrendous pain in his chest, and fell to the ground. Everything went black.
- - -
Zell, or what looked like Zell, was completely charred. His face was covered in ash and for some strange reason, his clothes were glowing with radioactive hotdogs. Crazy.
Zell looked around and saw that his economy-size bag of frozen hot dogs had disappeared in the blast. So, he walked back into the mass freezer and retrieved another one, shutting the door behind him.
After he had gotten his next bag of hot dogs, the sheer idiocy of what he had done hit him.
He had shut the door.
"HELP ME! I'M STUCK IN THE FREEZER WITH THREE TONS OF FROZEN HOT DOGS AND THERE'S NO MICROWAVE!"
Oh the horror.
- - -
Squall awoke with a shock the next day to see a group of students at Garden peering at him as he lay on the hard ground.
He glared at them all and stood up. "What's going on around here?" he demanded. "Did I miss my train? What are you staring at?"