Disclaimers/Exceptions: See previous chapters.
A.C. Outtakes & Random Conversations
Lightning: Hello, the Danny Inn…Excuse me, can you repeat that please? …Sorry? Excuse me for a moment. Covers mouthpiece. SHUT UP!
Strange sounds continue to float downstairs.
Lightning: Vorsie! I'm on the phone. SHUT UP!
More sounds.
Lightning: VORSIE!
Volume increases.
Lightning: breaks down.
Director: CUT!
Phone rings for the 1000th time that day,
Lightning: Hello, the Danny Inn. Slams phone down.
Lara: enters What was that about?
Lightning: Double-glazing.
Lightning: piles 2 pieces of toast, 1 big spoon of baked beans, scrambled egg and a small box of corn flakes onto her plate, & sits down to a well-deserved breakfast. Whoopee cushion noise heard. VORSERKEIEN!
Lightning: walks into kitchen to find chef lying dead on the floor with a knife in his heart.
Jinx: I think I broke his heart.
Lightning: Turns around.
Jinx: Well, looks like we're going down together!
Lightning: cracks up.
Director: JINX, GET BACK TO YOUR OWN SET! AND SOMEONE FIND ME A NEW CHEF!
(In the temple): Conversation, which happened half way though, this chapter while both authors were suffering from very bad writers block.
Lighting: Hey, not true! Vorsie was suffering, not me!
Vorsie: Well I was having to correct all your errors. I didn't have any time left to think! By the way Lightbulb, it's orCs not orKs!
Lightning: Soz. Hang on, did you just call me Lightbulb?
Vorsie: gulp.
Lightning: You little …
Vorsie: Eeeekkkk! Runs off yet again. Thinks, then stops suddenly. Holds up a hand.
Lightning: Crashes into her, What?
Vorsie: We're supposed to be writing stuff here not trying to kill each other.
Lightning: Well, you started it.
Vorsie: No, you did by choosing to take offence!
Lightning: Ok that does it. Back to work NOW!
Vorsie: Yes, O great one.
Lightning: (In Lara Croft tone) Vorsie, don't start.
Vorsie: Understood, O magnificent one.
Lightning: Vo-
Vorsie: Say no more, O perfect queen.
Lightning: Wha-?
Vorsie: walks off, Later, bossy boots.
Lightning: Well at least I can work in peace now.
VERY loud music starts playing.
A while later…
Vorsie: Reading through the updated chapter. Lighty, I'll tell you this very slowly in case you're struggling to understand what I'm saying. This computer has a Spell Check installed. Kindly use it. If I have to change Rouge back to Rogue again I think I'll start permanently calling you Lighting.
Ok so maybe it didn't quite go like that but Vorsie's frustration over the typos was certainly true.
Now, back to the outtakes
Alex: Hi. Do you know where room 201 is…err, please?
Lightning: Are you Mr. North?
Alex: Yup.
Lightning: This is England, not America, it is YES not YUP.
Alex: Fine … YU…err YES. Do I know you?
Lightning: I think the question is do I know you? Are you really Mr. North or are you Alex West, a tomb raider and you are here with 80 troops and Mr. Powell?
Alex: How on EARTH did you know that?
Lightning: I'm Mystic Meg.
Alex: What? That's not in the script! Hurries off to look in script book. You stupid person! You got it wrong its supposed to be…Lightning walks off in boredom.
Lightning: Someone get that man a brain.
Take 2:
Alex: Hi. Do you know where room 201 is…err, please?
Lightning: Are you Mr. North?
Alex: Yup.
Lightning: This is England, not America, it is YES not YUP
Alex: Fine … YU…err YES. Do I know you?
Lightning: I think the question is do I know you? Are you really Mr. North or are you Alex West, an idiot and you are here with 80 guys who can't shoot and Mr. Powell?
Alex: Huh?
Lightning: Forget it.
D: Cut. To self Coffee break in 2h30mins45secs. 2h30mins41seconds.
Take 3:
Alex: Hi. Do you know where room 201 is…err, please?
Lightning: Well… first go down that passage there, then turn right, take the second left, then the third right, the next left, the twenty ninth right, and your room is the 201st on the left.
Alex: Gee, erm… thanks. Starts walking off in Lightning's directions. First on the left, 26th on the right, no that's not right…
D: Lightning! Just because he doesn't have a brain doesn't mean you have to make fun of him. Cut!
Take 4:
Alex: Hi. Do you know where room 201 is…err, please?
Lightning: Are you Mr. North?
Alex: Yes.
Lightning: This is England, not America, it is YUP not YES. Wait, no it's not! Dammit!
D: Cut!
10:00 on a busy Monday. Lightning goes over to the checklist.
Lightning: Let me see, done, done, done, done, done…loud crash from upstairs. 3 entire cleaning trolleys come flying down the stairs, breaking pictures, banisters, coke machines, furniture etc.
Vorsie: pokes head round the door Err, sorry Lightbulb, fell over the vacuum cleaner.
Lightning: cracks up.
D: Okay, cut. Someone fetch me new paintings, banisters, coke machines, furniture and a telephone. Oh, and check that no vacuum gets near Vorsie. I'd hate to think what she's done to it!
Lightning: Yes, yes Vorsie, I am sure it was. But please shut up. You have been going on about it for the last half an hour. We have more important things to do. James, you mustn't be so light about the issue. It is dangerous. I mean I know that you know that, but don't …loud bang and entire hotel blows up.
D: Okay, who switched the TV switcher to the detonator for the bombs in the basement?
Take 2:
Lightning: Yes, yes Vorsie, I am sure it was. But please shut up. You have been going on about it for the last half an hour. We have more important things to do. James, you mustn't be so light about the issue. It is dangerous. I mean I know that you know that, but don't …Vorsie presses remote control, but nothing happens. She presses it again, nothing happens.
Vorsie: I think someone's fixed the TV.
D: Greeeaaaat, my crew are as bad as my cast. Is there a broken TV anywhere on site?
Star Wars scene:
Vorsie: Shut up, she'll hear us! Come on, give us the video!puts video into slot, and presses play. Nothing happens. Shit, the video's broken.
Star Wars scene II:
Legolas: Finally, a place with a good TV. Yippee! Jumps onto bed. Bed collapses with the floor and falls. Crashing down below can be heard. About 20 seconds later, a large crash can be heard.
Legolas: Only just audible. Ouch.
Director: Sigh. Okay, find me a new hotel.
Apologies for the formatting. The usual insanity resumes in the next chapter ;-)!