Dr. Rodney McKay walked into his lab, a place he had not visited for ten days. It was ten days since he and Griffin had taken that ill-fated flight in the jumper. And it had been, much to Rodney's confusion and dismay, exactly ten days since he had seen Dr. Radek Zelenka. Of course, some of that could be attributed to Rodney's own slow recovery, much of that self-inflicted. That fact, along with a niggling feeling that Radek was avoiding him, explained why he was now standing behind Zelenka in a place Carson Beckett had not cleared him to be in just yet.
Radek was looking at a monitor, mumbling to himself in his native language. He flicked the screen with his fingers, somewhat violently and with evident dissatisfaction, Rodney thought, in the results he was viewing. Radek turned unexpectedly and would have barreled right into McKay, catching sight of the healing scientist at the last minute, and jumped back in surprise.
"Shit," Zelenka said, taking one more step back. "Why did you do that?" he asked sternly.
Rodney frowned slightly and said hesitantly, "I, um, I didn't mean to startle you."
Radek found Rodney's hesitation disconcerting but he knew this meeting – their first conversation since losing the jumper…and Griffin – would not be a comfortable one. That was exactly why he had done everything in his power these last days to avoid it. It had been easier when Rodney was still quite ill and before Carson had allowed unlimited visits to his healing colleague. Now it seemed, his clever avoidance strategies had finally caught up with him.
"No, Rodney, it is my fault. I was not expecting to see you." Radek looked at McKay more closely over his glasses, which had slid down his nose. "Does Dr. Beckett know that you are here?" Though he looked much better than he had when Radek and Colonel Sheppard had rescued him from the damaged Ancient craft, he still looked ill, most prominently around the eyes, where the evidence of the concussion still showed in the pain lines and squint of his eyes at the brightness surrounding him.
"No," McKay answered with a sigh. "And please don't tell him."
"Rodney, have you at least been discharged?" Radek asked as he turned a chair around and offered it to McKay.
"Yes," McKay answered brusquely.
The two men looked at each other in uncomfortable silence. They each spoke again at the same time.
"What…" Radek started.
"I…" Rodney began. They stopped talking. The silence consumed them once again. Rodney rubbed his head gently and then looked up and said, "I think we need to talk about what happened."
Radek looked around the room, anywhere but at Rodney's face. Radek saw pain and disappointment in that face, and really didn't feel ready to talk about anything. He had successfully avoided Rodney McKay specifically because he did not know what he could say. How would he explain his hesitation when first asked to go down with Colonel Sheppard? How could he ever explain that to a friend?
Zelenka started back to his work. "I have to finish this simulation." He moved to some instruments on his right, changed one setting slightly, and then moved back to the keyboard, typing furiously, Rodney knew, to re-set the calibrations in the program, and then moved across the room as he said, "Can we talk about this later?" He reviewed some information on a computer attached to what appeared to be an Ancient device; Rodney couldn't quite make it out due to distance and a pounding headache. And then he watched as Zelenka headed back to his workstation to review output on his laptop.
"Radek!" Rodney called with authority, though raising his voice didn't seem to be sitting very well with his aching head. Zelenka stopped and turned to face Rodney McKay.
"Yes," he answered in resignation.
"Please sit down," Rodney pleaded, his voice sounding strained. "You're not helping…" he trailed off, waving his hand at his head.
"Really, Rodney, I am in the middle of…"
"This can't wait, Radek. We have to talk about this."
"But it is in the middle…"
Rodney got up from his chair and typed into the laptop. All of the machines and readouts powered down.
"Ah," Rodney said as he pushed off of the desk and settled heavily back into his seat. "Now you have time to talk."
Radek's mouth hung open, more irritated that Rodney had trumped his avoidance tactic than he was that he would have to re-start his simulation. He made certain that Rodney saw his irritation at the chief science officer's actions, and then he pulled his chair over with a huff and sat down in front of Rodney McKay.
"Good," Rodney said, unable to suppress the edge in his voice and in his demeanor. "I wanted…what you did…I just wanted to thank you for what you did. For saving me," Rodney started.
"No!" Radek responded angrily. "Please do not thank me."
Rodney blinked, his eyes burning from the light and the residual effects of the concussion, as well as from a less than successful previous night's sleep. The nightmares still plagued him, less now, and he was grateful for that, but they remained vivid and frightening when they came.
"Wh…what?" Rodney asked.
"It is my fault you were down there. I had a great responsibility to get you out."
"Yes, I know that it was your fault. Well, at least partly. We need to work on that. I think we forget sometimes that this Ancient technology needs more…"
"Rodney, I do not think that it was my fault that you were down there because I failed to fix the jumper," Radek replied.
"You don't?" Rodney queried, confused.
"No. It was fixed to the best of our knowledge and capability."
"Was it?" Rodney asked, his anger and indignation growing as he realized that Radek would not take responsibility for the jumper's failure.
"Yes. But I am sorry that I would not take her out for the test flight. That was wrong."
Rodney was beginning to feel unwell again. He knew that his anger was contributing to the increased pounding in his head, but he came there to talk this through.
"Radek, why have I not seen you these past ten days?" Rodney challenged.
Zelenka looked at McKay, eyes wide and clearly startled by the direct question.
"I have been busy…" he began.
"Yes, yes, covering for me, doing your work, your…simulations," Rodney answered, waving a hand at the room.
"Exactly," Radek agreed.
"You've been working 24/7 then?" Rodney asked softly. Radek could see that the conversation was painful to McKay, in far more ways than the physical.
Radek Zelenka looked guiltily at his colleague. "Of course not," he admitted quietly.
Rodney looked Radek in the eyes, his own piercing blue eyes pleading to his colleague, trying to comprehend his reluctance to speak with him. He finally shook his head and said, "I don't understand. And my head hurts."
"I can see that," Radek said softly, matching Rodney's tone as it was clear that the bright lights and loud conversation were working in tandem to hurt McKay more.
"Look, I just wanted to thank you. From what I understand, you were instrumental in both finding my location and coming up with the shield idea."
"That was Colonel Sheppard's idea," Radek enlightened the physicist.
"Really? Very clever. But you figured out how to do it." Rodney had his head pressed into both hands now, his elbows resting on his knees.
"Rodney, I would have done anything I could to save you." Radek watched as he received no response from McKay.
"Rodney?" Radek asked.
"I didn't think you would," Rodney confessed, not lifting his head. "I thought…terrible things." His voice cracked as he recalled the hateful things he was thinking while trapped in the jumper. And to think it of Zelenka, a man to whom he now knew he owed his life.
He needed to talk this out with Radek…if only his head would cooperate.
Radek Zelenka nodded in understanding. He had spoken with the colonel – make that, the colonel had spoken to him and he had learned about Rodney's disillusionment. They needed to talk, Rodney was right about this. But Rodney was not quite in shape for such a conversation as was evidenced by the pain his friend was now suffering.
"Rodney, let me call the colonel. He can walk you to your quarters," Radek suggested.
"I don't need the colonel," Rodney countered shortly.
"Aw, I'm hurt," Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard said as he walked into the lab.
"Colonel? How…" Zelenka started to ask.
"I was looking for Dr. McKay. Carson said he'd released him to his quarters," Sheppard said as he kneeled in front of his ailing friend, "but needless to say Rodney had his own ideas."
"Bad idea," Rodney admitted as he raised his head to look at Sheppard.
"Ouch," John said as he got a good look at Rodney. He helped McKay to his feet. "Let's get you to your room, get something for that headache and get you to bed."
"It's early," Rodney resisted unenthusiastically.
"But you could sleep, right?" John asked knowingly.
Rodney nodded in the affirmative and then turned to Zelenka. Radek beat him to the punch.
"We need to talk more, yes," Radek suggested. "It is all right if I come to see you tomorrow?"
Rodney again nodded slightly. "Yes. I want to explain…"
"Yes. Me, too," Radek interrupted. "But you need rest. Go with the colonel." The sincere concern he felt from his colleague and friend convinced Rodney to leave with Sheppard.
John Sheppard walked alongside Rodney McKay as they left the lab. John looked back at Dr. Zelenka and nodded once, acknowledgement that it was at least a beginning to a much-needed dialogue.
As they started down the corridor John asked, "How'd it go?"
Rodney sighed and said, "It could have gone better, I think."
"Well, you've got a lot to talk about," John offered casually.
"Yes," Rodney agreed tiredly. "You know that he hasn't been to see me since it happened."
"I know. I'm sure he's feeling a little guilty about some things."
"You think?" Rodney inquired. "I wanted to…explain about, you know…things." Rodney listed to the left and bumped into John Sheppard's chest. "Sorry."
"It's okay. Are you all right?"
"Headache. Tired." They walked quietly for a while, and then Rodney said, "I don't get people sometimes." Confusion had overtaken the pained looked momentarily.
"What do you mean?" John asked, putting his arm over McKay's shoulder in an effort to steer the swaying physicist in a straight line.
"He was responsible for fixing the jumper and assuring that she was flight-worthy, but he's not admitting any fault in the accident."
"Hmm," John responded. "Did you hear what you just said?" the colonel asked.
The confused expression held. "What?" Rodney asked.
"The 'accident', you said. Isn't it possible that it was just that? An accident?"
Rodney continued the slow trek to his room. "I don't know. I suppose," he added, rubbing gently on the side of his head, careful of the still-healing wound. "I can't think."
John squeezed his shoulder. "Give it some time. And remember, he really did move mountains to save you. If he did make a mistake, he's more than made up for it in my book."
Rodney nodded, at least his conditional assent, at Sheppard's observation. He had suffered his own blunders of late, and his team, all of Atlantis it seemed, felt him worthy of rescue. And from what he had heard, his science staff and John's people had worked miracles to both find him and exact a rescue, with Radek and John clearly risking their own lives in the effort.
He meant something to these people, and that was a realization he still hadn't believed, despite Sam's insistence that it was true, until he got home and heard about it himself with a clear head.
Well, a nominally clear head, which now felt like it was going to explode all over Sheppard.
"We're here," John said, stopping Rodney's forward movement with a slight touch to his arm.
"Oh," Rodney replied, blinking tired eyes and looking exhausted.
They entered the room and John pushed Rodney down onto his bed. He felt no resistance from McKay on that score.
"Pain pills?" John asked.
Rodney looked around the room, closed his eyes and rubbed his head. "Um, desk?" he replied, sounding unsure.
John found them and got Rodney a glass of water. The scientist downed the pills and water and then continued to sit on the bed, making no move to continue to get ready for sleep.
"Did I thank Radek for finding me?" Rodney asked worriedly.
"I don't know, buddy. Did you?" John asked calmly. Carson Beckett had said that Rodney would experience occasional confusion as his brain recovered from the trauma of concussion.
"I don't remember," Rodney said, and then he growled as he rubbed his eyes. "I hate this," he stated dejectedly.
"I know you do," John agreed as he kneeled in front of McKay once again. He started to untie Rodney's shoes. "It'll take a little more time, but you'll feel right as rain before you know it." John pulled the shoes off and asked, "I trust that you can finish changing yourself?"
"Yes I can," Rodney answered with a typical McKay sneer. But Rodney continued to just sit. John finally sat next to him.
"Hey," he said, pushing against Rodney's shoulder with his own. "You can talk more with Radek tomorrow. I think a good night's sleep will do you good."
Rodney snorted slightly. "No doubt."
John frowned. "Didn't do so good last night, huh?"
"No. Don't tell Carson."
"He could probably help."
Rodney nodded at that. "Maybe." He looked at John. "Did I thank you?"
"You did, but you didn't have to. Having you back here is thanks enough for me."
Rodney grimaced dramatically, and not from the pain in his head. "Wow, that was uniquely sappy, Sheppard."
"Yeah," John agreed, sharing Rodney's current facial expression. "It's your fault. So don't do that again."
"Yes, well, I'll keep that in mind for the next time," Rodney yawned.
"Good." They enjoyed each other's company in comfortable silence and then John asked, "Are you going to change out of that or sleep in it?"
"I haven't decided." Rodney yawned again. "But babysitting duty is over. Did Carson pay you?"
John pushed Rodney lightly and said, "Go to sleep." Rodney fell to the bed, and then cuddled up with his pillow.
"I guess that answers that," John said with a laugh.
"G'night," Rodney mumbled before nodding off.
"Sleep well," John said as he left the room.
The End.