I'm back! I got distracted… :hides head in shame: I now have new obsessions- Rocky Horror and David Bowie! Oh, Tim Curry in fishnets… ai… My friend wants to see slash with him and Bowie as the Goblin King. That would be… oh, my dreams!

Anyway, sorry about how long this has taken. XD

The hall they walked into was bare, except for a carpet running its length. Tilly slipped off his coat and threw it onto the floor, revealing a purple suit underneath. It did seem to suit him. "Just drop your coats anywhere."

Sirius held onto his jacket. Leather looked good on him, damn good. He wasn't taking this jacket off for no one. Maybe for Remus…

Tilly ran in front of them and stopped, opening his hands wide. "This is my factory, dear children, and today is going to be absolutely full of things to see."

Malfoy stepped forward and smiled smarmily at Tilly. "I'm Lucius Malfoy."

Tilly looked down. "I don't care."

"You really should. I'm the one who's going to win the prize at the end."

"Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key." He set off down the corridor again, Malfoy and his father sending each other identical superior looks.

Sirius watched the other contestants. Snape and his uncle (?) weren't speaking, or even looking in each other's general direction. Feel the love, people. Frodo seemed quite happy to stare around him, and his adult had his hand on Frodo's shoulder. Remus was grinning at the floor. Probably hyper. The other one… he was being pushed forward. He bowed as they walked along.

"Mr Tonka, sir."

Tilly winced. "Tilly. Not Tonka."

Sirius sniggered.

"I'm Cole Sear. It's very nice to meet you, sir."

"Hm. I always thought coal was something they dug up in Newcastle. Ha, ha."

Remus spoke next, surprising Sirius. Normally Remus had to be pissed before he'd even think of speaking out. "I'm Remus Lupin. I love your chocolate."

Tilly stopped, and turned. He placed his hands on Remus' shoulders and stared into his eyes. Sirius tried to ignore the seething jealousy in his stomach, and also the voice of Edwin deep inside. "I can see that, Remus. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common." He turned to the others. "You, you're Frodo Baggins. And you…" He looked at Snape. "You're just lucky to be here, aren't you?"

Sirius could have sworn he heard a muttered "not particularly" from Snape's general direction.

Tilly stopped in front of a tiny door, and crouched down in front of it. "Inside here," he said in a hushed whisper, "is the secret of my success. I know you'll all be wonderfully amazed, but please try not to drool too much. Once we get inside, you can eat whatever you like. Except one thing. You can't touch the chocolate." He pushed the door open onto a world which took Sirius' breath away. It was amazingly multicoloured, and he was at a loss for what to look at first. The toffee apple trees, or the candyfloss clouds… which, Sirius was quite alarmed to discover, he could actually touch.

"Look at that!" Sirius turned his head to follow the sound. The others were stood looking at something, so he peered too. There was some kind of river. It looked really dirty, all filled with mud. Remus gave a satisfied sigh, and reached for Sirius' hand.

"Siri, a chocolate river. I could jump in."

Sirius choked as a vision of a chocolate covered Remus sprang into his mind. And you say you don't like him in that way… having visions of your best friend, naked, slathered in rich, gooey, sticky chocolate that is just begging to be licked off…

Sirius bit his tongue heavily.

Tilly placed his hand on Remus' shoulder. "None of you can touch the chocolate. It is the secret of my success."

"Why?"

Tilly led the way round the meander, so that they could see something sat in the midst of all the chocolate. His hand was still on Remus' shoulder, no matter how much Sirius glared at it. "Behold! No other chocolate factory in the world mixes their chocolate by whirlpool!"

It was… a washing machine. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "A washing machine?"

"Yeah." Tilly glared at him, also looking at the way Sirius was still holding hands with Remus. "Just on a spin cycle. Wouldn't want the chocolate to boil."

"What do you do if you want white chocolate?" Sirius hissed.

"Just add Daz. It makes chocolate whiter than white." Their staring match was broken when Remus stretched out, releasing Sirius and making Tilly let go. The factory owner nodded. "Right, go and eat!" And with that, he placed his arm around Remus and walked him away, chatting in his ear. Sirius watched them go with narrow eyes. Merlin! That dude had to be at least forty, making him a pervert. Not that Remus was doing anything to stop him. No, the little slutty werewolf (he's not a slut, you're in love with him) was giggling and blushing. Sirius stamped his foot petulantly. This was his day to spend with Remus, not bloody Tilly's.

"Aw, does ickle Black feel neglected now that his boyfriend's gone away?"

"Snivellus!" He turned. "Remus is not my boyfriend. No matter how much you want to repress your own sexuality, projecting it onto me will not solve the issue. I am straight, get it?"

Snape smirked, and sat down on a nearby toadstool. "That's why you and wolfie keep on holding hands. I'm not blind, Black, although it appears you are. Why else would you and Lupin not be snogging like mad?"

"Piss off." Sirius sat down, picking a blade of grass and chewing on it. "Why are you here, anyway?"

Snape sighed. "You were there. Slughorn gave me the bar of chocolate, even though I hate the stuff, and I got the ticket. What was I meant to do?"

"Sell the ticket?"

Snape looked contemplative. "Dammit, could've done that."

"Guess one requirement for being in Slytherin is lack of common sense."

A languid yawn emanated from Snape's mouth as he refused to rise to the bait. "Nah, must have been feeling a Gryffindor tendency that day."

Sirius bent down to the ground and plucked something. When he held it up, it turned out to be a packet of Love Hearts. Ready wrapped and everything. He took the first one out and looked at it.

"What's it say?"

"Wild Thing."

"Hmph." Snape plucked a piece of grass and stuck it in the corner of his mouth, chewing slowly like a cow. "Give it to Lupin."

Sirius would have retorted, probably with a lot of four letter words which shouldn't appear on a family show, but at that point he was tapped on the back. Turning, he saw the kid named Cole staring up at him.

"Hi kid. Having fun?"

Cole beckoned to him, and Sirius knelt down until the boy could whisper in his ear. "I… see… dead… people."

Sirius drew back slowly, eyes wide as Cole began to breathe out with visible condensation. He gave a strangled scream, and ran over to Remus, crushing several sweets in the process. Remus was being shown something through a telescope, Tilly's hand on the small of his back. The telescope ended up spinning round and hitting Tilly on the head when Sirius cannoned into them and on top of Remus. Hmm, interesting position…

No matter what Edwin might have thought about the situation, Remus' eyes showed that Sirius would be lucky to escape with his balls intact. And not from any kind of strenuous exercise on his part.

"Sirius…" Remus said through gritted teeth.

"Remus, I'm sorry." Body, stop doing things. "But that Cole kid scared me."

"Oh, poor little boy." Tilly's high pitched voice made Sirius scowl. Remus, on the other hand, seemed to have a little smirk on his mouth. "Did the child scare you? I'm sure we've got a little girl round here who can act as your bodyguard."

Sirius leapt up, the growls coming from the back of his throat a clear indication of which form he'd prefer to be in. A dog could rip out throats without too much difficulty. But in human form it was quite hard to locate the jugular.

A calming hand was placed on his arm, and he resisted the urge to pounce. "What happened, Siri?" Remus' soft voice. It soothed his soul… Sirius shook his head again. Something was obviously wrong with him. He never thought of words like 'soothed'. Not unless he was being irritating. "Sirius?"

"He said that he could see dead people."

"So do you. Have you forgotten the ghosts?"

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Oh, yeah."

The three stood in silence.

Tilly laughed. "Oh, Remmie, I must show you the Bobble."

Remus blushed softly. "Is it as good as the Ptang?"

"Oh, much better! Not as much of a… Ni!"

The two burst out laughing, and Sirius pouted. He hated being left out of jokes, especially crap ones. Remus noticed his expression, and waved it away. "Don't worry, Siri, you wouldn't get it."

He trudged off back down the slope, sending occasional glances up to where Tilly and Remus were having such a good time. Giggling. Seeing the sights. Having mad passionate-

"I… see… dead…"

"Oh, piss off kid." Sirius pushed the boy away from him, walked on a few more steps, and froze when he heard the splash. And the cries from Cole's adult.

"No! Cole! Hang in there, I'm going to get you out!" The man began to throw off his clothes. Peering over the side of the river, Sirius could see Cole struggling in the chocolate as he was pulled towards a big tube that was sucking chocolate up it.

Soon everyone was gathered around them, including Tilly and Remus. "No." Tilly threw out an arm, preventing the man from jumping in. "It'll contaminate the chocolate. You'll just have to pick him up from the chocolate room."

"Won't he drown?"

"Nah, he can eat his way out. He needs feeding up anyway."

Malfoy's father chose this moment to speak. "How did he fall in there anyway?"

Sirius blushed, and hid his face behind his hair. Wasn't his fault the boy was so annoying. Not his fault he'd fallen in the river.

"Woah!" Little people were pulling at the man's legs, and he turned to Tilly. "Who're they?"

"The Flibble Flobbles. They'll take you to Cole." Tilly clapped his hands. "Meanwhile, we'll get on with the tour!"

Over the candy hill, a last shout was heard. "Yippee-ki-yay!"

Ok, sorry to Americans. And others. You may not have got all the jokes- Whirlpoolmaker of washing machines/things you put dirty laundry in. Dazwashing powder.

I like my little references to things. Last chapter we had references to Discworld, Hitchhikers, and Scrubs.