Felicia - I'm sorry that I didn't thank you for the review of my other chapters last time. I can be a bit spacey. And people that can't let Sean and Ellie go totally rock my world, so you're cool with me. You made me feel guilty that I wrote such a short chapter last time. It was kind of my transitioning chapter. I'm sure I'll make it work in later. But anyways, back to the guilty. I felt so guilty, that I went and wrote this chapter to make up for it. Believe me, I wish I could write long chapters, but I don't have the focus or creativity. Now that you've read something as long as the last chapter, here is this one.
Disclaimer: Believe me, if I owned Degrassi, I wouldn't be writing fan fictions, cuz you could watch what I wanted happening on CTV/the-N.
R&R Tell me if you don't like it. Tell what I have done wrong. I want to know.
Chapter 9: Things I'll Never Say
Ellie stomach did somersaults as she ran to her room. She lay back on her bed and held the letter in the air in front of her face. She couldn't believe it. Nothing from Sean in ages and then this.
She was almost afraid to open it, to see what it said. She just stared at it, her heart pounding almost painfully in her chest. A shiver ran down her spine and she bundled up in her warm blankets.
She rolled onto her side and continued to stare at the letter, transfixed by it. She took a deep breath and turned it over so she was looking at the back of it.
Slowly, she slid her finger into the flap and gently tore it open. It was almost as though if she opened it to fast that something would go wrong.
With the delicacy as though she was holding a fine crystal glass, she unfolded the letter. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw her name in Sean's handwriting.
She began to read.
Dear Ellie,
I don't even know where to begin. There is so much I want to say to you, but as much as it is, it feels like nothing. Does that even make sense? I feel like maybe whatever I say to you, you won't care anymore. I hope that isn't true, but I'm afraid it may be.
I'm sure you've moved on by now. I was never worth holding on to, so I don't know why you would have held on any longer than the last time you saw me. I understand.
I want to say; I didn't forget your birthday. I thought about it months before it came, hoping I could just use it as an excuse to write you and tell you everything that I have been wanting to say. It was torture to me as it drew closer and closer, knowing that I couldn't be there to she it with you. Even today, I couldn't decide what to do. But I knew I had to swallow my pride. So, happy birthday.
I have thought about you constantly. Although it may be mended now, I know it broke your heart when I left. But I wasn't leaving you. I was leaving everything. If I could have, I would have stayed there by your side, but I just couldn't and it's not your fault.
I know you understand why I had to leave, but I still can't help but to feel guilty for doing it. I just couldn't take what I had done. I killed a person. It may have been in self-defense, but I am still the reason somebody died.
But more than that, I was the reason somebody lived. When I realized what I had done for Emma, it scared me. I killed Rick, but I saved her. It scared me to think that if I hadn't been there, that Emma would have been shot and be gone forever. I didn't even realize it until she threw herself into my arms and thanked me with tears streaming down her face and her voice trembling with gratitude and fear.
But I loved you Ellie, and it killed me to leave you like that. It would be selfish of me to say that it tore me apart more than it did you, but that would just be giving myself too much credit. Because it completely tore me apart. When I saw the tears in your eyes, and heard the pain in your voice, it nearly broke me. As much as I wanted to stay with my parents, I just wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you that you were the world to me. And seeing you like that, it hurt my soul.
Even thinking back, seeing it all clearly in my mind every night, I can't help but think what I did to you.
I still love you Ellie. I can't help myself. And whether you have moved on or not, I need to know. I need to know if you still need me as much as I need you. I need to know where I stand, if you would ever accept me back. I need to know.
With all the love in my heart,
Sean
For the second time that week, Ellie's eyes brimmed and glistened with tears and emotion. She couldn't believe everything that she had just read. She tried to believe it. Parts of her felt that it was some horrible joke, other parts felt as though this was the worst thing that could happen to her. But inside, her heart was smiling.
She stashed the letter in her book bag, so she could read it again when she was a little saner.