Author's Note: I have a feeling that this isn't quite what you wanted, but I felt this chapter was necessary. We'll see how quickly I can post the next one so I don't have an inbox full of hate mail :P And I care about all of you and I really do understand how annoying it is when updates take a while, but there have been many problems during my non-writing time. Thank you all for your reviews and your feedback. Without further ado . . .

Chapter 11: Introspection

By Almicene Melwen

Updated: February 5, 2005

Persephone found herself in the seventh year Gryffindor rooms, complete with random clothes and belongings tossed all over the place. Her fear turned into surprise as Sirius finally let go of her hand after he slammed the door behind him.

Sirius turned to her after pulling something out of his trunk. His eyes, just a little while ago, had seemed so full of anger and bitterness, but now held something she had never seen in him before - resignation. It was new to her, seeing him in such a miserable state. He wordlessly handed her the object, wrapped in a beautiful wool scarf. It was mostly red with gold lining the edges and looked brand new. It was too nice to be worn just casually but Persephone wondered why she'd never seen it on Sirius before. He could have used a good scarf as he was always tugging his cloak closer to him during Quidditch matches and classes outside.

Sirius had his back turned to her, fidgeting with something else on his bed, not wanting her to see his vulnerability. But he felt he had no choice. He could either shock her into awareness or let her go. And he would kill his own brother before he'd let her go. He made that mistake once and he wasn't going to do it again, not when the stakes were so high. Sirius watched her from the corner of his eyes, wanting to see her reaction at his most prized possession.

Carefully her trembling fingers unwrapped the small package. It was obviously something treasured. Pushing the soft folds of the scarf aside, she revealed a small picture of a striking young woman. She was lovely with her dark brown hair and large brown eyes to match, but there it wasn't her beauty that made her stand out. It was the happiness the young woman radiated in her eyes and the small knowing smile – she was obviously in love. She was smiling and waving at the photographer. There was something written diagonally across the bottom corner of the frame. Persephone pulled it closer to her eyes to examine the gold handwriting. There was a tug on her heart as she processed the delicate writing:

"To my beloved Sirius

Love, Your Angel."

This was all fine and lovely, but Persephone still had no idea what Sirius was trying to show her. She turned her eyes upon him, keeping her expression carefully neutral. Persephone didn't have to ask, as Sirius quietly explained.

"Did you ever hear about a girl named Rachel Angelique?" he asked, sighing as he pushed himself towards the head of the bed and leaned against the wall, keeping his eyes hidden from her.

Persephone shook her head at first, but then a vague recollection of the name caused her to stop herself. "Wait…was she in our year?" Her eyes checked his to see if she was right. The gleam in his eye suggested that she was. She could have left the room, ignored him or done any of things she had for the past few weeks, but she felt there was something important in this photograph . . . something important about this girl.

Sirius nodded, his eyes studying her, wanting to see what she remembered of his girl.

"And really kind to everyone? Even the Slytherins?" she asked cautiously.

Again Sirius nodded. It was better that she remembered.

A confused look crossed Persephone's face. "How come I don't see her any more? Did she transfer to . . ." her voice trailed off as she remembered Dumbledore announcing the death in the Great Hall just after the winter holidays. Her breath caught in her throat as she realized that Rachel was the reason Sirius had become so withdrawn for a while. He didn't show up in the Great Hall for meals for two weeks, and the times she had seen him during class he looked like a wreck. She blanched at her careless words.

Sirius gave her a grim, tight smile. "That's right Seph," he said harshly. She wasn't sure if he was angry at her or someone else. "My Angel . . . heh." His voice became hoarse as he struggled with his emotions. He hadn't talked about the worst incident of his life with anyone. He didn't think it would have been so hard to relive the pain . . . he thought time should have made it less painful, less bitter, but it was as if she had died all over again. A sudden burst of anger filled him at the feeling with helplessness that overwhelmed him and he lashed out.

Frustrated and wrecked with suppressed emotion Sirius punched the dresser next to his bed, causing the wood to shatter and Persephone to wince. She wasn't sure who she felt more sorry for – Sirius's hand or the old dresser with a new hole in it. She was sure he must have gotten splinters in his hand at the very least, but he paid no attention.

"Damn them!" he yelled. "You make me so angry sometimes Seph," he said hoarsely. "How can you be so stupid as to think of joining Voldemort?" He ripped the picture away from her, pointing to Rachel, still smiling and waving. "What did she ever do to deserve death!" His eyes glittered dangerously, daring her to argue with him. "She dated me. That's why she was killed along with her family during the Winter hols." He sneered, "Such a great group you're thinking of joining."

She looked surprised, which made Sirius even more upset.

"Don't tell me you didn't know. That filth you spent so much time with is one of them," he spat. "They kill people because of their blood, for things they can't help, for dating Purebloods. My Angel didn't deserve to die at their hands." Sirius was breathing heavily as Persephone paled. She really hadn't thought of the consequences . . . she just wanted the pain to go away.

"You think that you're the only one who has lost someone you've loved," he said in a low voice. "You're wrong. And while you blamed it on Lily, I blamed myself." He swallowed, self-loathing filling his memories and his body. "I hated myself for the longest time, and I always thought if I had broken up with her she would still be alive. But Rachel didn't let me do that – she told me she knew the risks and if I stopped seeing her because of them, they had won. But in the end they won anyways. She isn't dating me any more," he said bitterly.

Persephone felt tears slide down her cheeks, thinking of how courageous Rachel was, and feeling Sirius's immense grief. It overwhelmed her senses until she could hardly breathe. She could only imagine how much guilt and misery Sirius had gone through, and in that moment she realized she had inflicted that same pain on Lily for no good reason. Persephone had misused her heritance, and shame coursed through her.

Sirius felt hot tears slide down his cheeks – the tears he hadn't shed at her funeral, but he continued, determined to make Persephone understand, determined not to make Rachel's death meaningless. His eyes let tears fall, but his throat constricted, as he forced himself not to completely break down.

"And you, one of the smartest witches in our year are helping them . . . by dividing us. We've all lost something, but not all of us let our grief overshadow what must be done to protect the friends that we have, to keep the loved ones we have left." Sirius narrowed his eyes, traces of disappointment appearing. "We've all lost someone – I've lost Rachel and my brother to this stupid war, Peter lost his little sister just a year ago, and Lily lost her parents this past summer. But none-"

"What?" Persephone interrupted as she turned her eyes sharply on Sirius. She felt horrified that there could be more. Lily's parents were dead? That wasn't possible, she had just seen them right before Lily's birthday, August 1st. "What did you say about Lily?" she asked softly, fear, guilt, all the emotions she hadn't wanted to experience filled her.

Sirius looked suspiciously at her. "Are you telling me you didn't even know your best friend's parents died?"

Persephone shook her head. Oh dear sweet Merlin . . . Lily. She had said . . . done such terrible things to her best friend who was quietly grieving. No wonder she had been so withdrawn at the beginning of the term. She prayed Sirius was lying, that it was all a joke or a nightmare that she would soon wake up from. Why hadn't Lily told her? "You must be lying," she pleaded desperately.

Sirius gave her a disgusted look. "Some friend you are. So now you just want to pretend this isn't real – that other people have suffered even more than you have. By the gods, what a piece of work you are. I can't believe that I even liked you." He closed his eyes, so very tired of it all. He was amazed at the gall of the girl in front of him. Sirius had been so convinced that she was good at heart, but had been led astray by people like his brother. But now he doubted Persephone even cared about Lily. She wasn't the person he thought she was, and he didn't want anything to do with her at the moment. "Merlin . . . just leave. Get out of my room."

She didn't argue and headed out of his room, her head slightly bowed in shame, remorse, and disappointment in herself. But she had to know if her suspicions were correct, so she turned to Sirius, still lying on the bed. "Please I have to know . . . when did Lily's parents die?"

Sirius frowned, but told her anyways, not bothering to waste time thinking why Persephone wanted to know the exact date. "August 1st."

And just as soon as Persephone closed Sirius's door, she rounded a few corners, hiding under the tapestry of a hidden hallway and collapsed in a state of quiet shock and numbness. She had been so stupid – to believe Regulus, to think that everything would be solved by ridding the world of Muggles and Mudbloods. How wrong she had been, to think she would ease the pain of losing her parents through joining a cause. She only hoped that Lily would let her apologize . . . she wouldn't be surprised if Lily never wanted to talk to her again. After all, she wasn't sure she could even forgive herself.

She let words slip to the empty corridor. "Oh gods Lily," she whispered, "I'm so sorry. I'm so terribly sorry." Persephone thought of Lily's parents, her beloved parents who had supported Lily through everything, who Lily had loved more than life itself. And at that moment Persephone vowed that she would do everything in her power to bring Voldemort and his followers to justice. Lily's parents had been blameless, just as Lily was for her own parents' deaths. Persephone realized that now as she thought of the others that had lost their loved ones to a sick monster.

Persephone couldn't stop the few tears she was crying, and she didn't want to. They were the very least tribute she could offer to Lily's parents. She knew how Lily felt losing her parents, but Lily had lost them on her birthday . . . "Oh Lily, I'm so sorry," Persephone thought.

Lily was having a hard time adjusting. It had been so easy to see James before the journalists had found out. Now she had to be very discrete lest people suspect they were meeting for anything more than Head business. The last thing she wanted to do was encourage rumors.

So James had suggested they move the meetings form the private head common room to the library. Lily was grateful for James's consideration, but the lengths they had to go through to keep their relationship a secret were putting a strain on both of them. Lily wasn't sure what constituted a relationship but the brief kisses, secretive hand squeezes of reassurance, and the constant secrecy made her feel she was committing a crime rather than committing to James.

"Lily?" James asked, drawing her out from her depressing thoughts.

She blinked, as her eyes focused on him, reassuring his worried face with a small smile. "Sorry, I was just thinking."

"I noticed," James said dryly, giving her an amused smile. "It was getting a little boring talking to myself."

"So what were you saying?" Lily said, not wanting James to ask her what she had been thinking. He might interpret it as unwillingness for the relationship on her part. He was so sensitive, or maybe it was his insecurity, about any little thing that might suggest she wasn't interested in him. She couldn't really blame him though. Most of the girls he had dated, which he had admitted to her weren't many, had only been interested in what he had to offer, and not him as a person. Lily didn't know how to reassure James that she wasn't like the others . . . that she wasn't after his fame, or his money, or even his bloodline. Perhaps one day she could prove it beyond a doubt.

"I was merely asking for your opinion of this idea one of the Prefects came up with at the meeting."

Lily glanced over at his notes, skimming down the paper. She found herself agreeing with James on implementing the suggestion. But her thoughts drifted again as she wondered how many girls would be watching him at the Prefect meeting. Probably all of them . . . after all who wouldn't want James with his fabulous wealth and long-standing bloodline, and his good looks didn't hurt either. Hell, even the Slytherin girls would consider James the perfect catch. Despite the rumored ties to Godric Gryffindor, they would only have to convince their parents that they would use it to their advantage, turn the Potter bloodline against Dumbledore, and their parents would agree.

With all the negative thoughts circulating in her head, Lily stood up quickly, ignoring James's concerned questions. Grabbing her book bag, she slung it over her shoulder. "I'm sorry James, but I really can't stay. Could you finish reviewing the proposals just this once?" Her eyes pleaded with James.

He sighed. She was panicking again – he could see it in her eyes. It would only be a matter of time before she decided that she couldn't handle the attention she received from being with him. She wasn't strong enough to take the pressures he was so accustomed to. "Sure Lily, whatever you want," James said with a note of disappointment in his voice. But it was his tone, one of resignation that caused her to meet his eyes. He knew why she was leaving so suddenly.

Lily almost stopped herself from leaving, seeing the sad look in his eyes. "Please, please just give me time to adjust," she begged him silently. Giving him an apologetic smile, she raced out of the library, feeling extremely paranoid and claustrophobic with the looks and glares the girls in the library had been giving her. She rounded a corner too quickly and smacked directly into Narcissa Black. Both girls managed to keep their balance, but once Lily realized who she had run into she braced herself for the onslaught of insults she was sure to come.

Narcissa gave her a malicious smile, as she dusted off her no doubt expensive form-fitting robes.

Lily tried to pass her, not wanting a confrontation, but the Slytherin girl blocked her path. "If you don't mind Narcissa," she began.

The pretty blonde girl ignored her. "Do you really think that you could satisfy James's needs?"

Lily frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about." She hoped that feigned ignorance would be enough to fool her.

Narcissa gave a small laugh. "Oh please Lily. You can't fool all of us into thinking there's nothing between you and James. You're not the first to succumb to his charms. But just a little 'friendly' warning for you. Do you really think that James won't get tired of you? Purebloods weren't good enough for him, do you honestly think that you are? You can't even handle him and the attention that comes with dating a high profile wizard, and you haven't even met his parents. James may tell you that he doesn't care about your lack of a bloodline, but his parents do. They're not the oldest Pureblood line for just any reason." Narcissa moved to the side, to let Lily pass, but shot one last comment at her before she was out of hearing range.

"Best to get out while you can. If you thought the humiliation last time was bad, you have no idea how much worse it can be." With a condescending, smug smile, Narcissa left with her robes moving gracefully about her.

Lily frowned, anxiety eating at her. Her thoughts of escaping for a little while didn't seem so appealing any more. Why couldn't everybody mind their own business? But she knew the answer to that question. It was because she was with James Potter. How did Narcissa know anyways? The Slytherin girl was sharper than most people gave her credit for, but Lily had thought she and James had been very discrete.

So how had she found out?

It was time to do some detective work of her own. Lily wasn't head girl for just any reason.

"Get," Sirius said quietly, dangerously, "the fuck away from me." He was lying across the bench he had found Persephone at before with his eyes closed, thinking about everything that had gone wrong. He was trying to convince himself that this girl didn't matter. She knew what she was getting into, or deserved what would be coming to her at least.

Remus stood his ground, watching Sirius for a moment before speaking. "I'd just thought you'd like to know and possibly do something about these two dots following James' around." The soothing quality of Remus's voice had a calming effect on Sirius, and he opened his eyes lazily, as his mate tossed him the Marauder's Map. Remus gave him a small smile. "After all, aren't vicious dogs a reporter's best friend?" he said innocently.

The black-haired boy sat up, grabbing the map and rushing past Remus. It was time to vent frustrations.

Sirius grinned wickedly.