Disclaimer: Believe me, if I owned Degrassi, I wouldn't be writing fan fictions, cuz you could watch what I wanted happening on CTV/the-N.
There was a hole inside of my heart.
I didn't know how this hole had come to be, but it was definitely there, causing me a kind of pain I never knew it was possible for any person to suffer through. It was a hole of having lost something, rather than a hole of never having had something. Every day, no matter what had happened, I could feel the hole tugging at me, trying to tell me that a part of me was missing.
As I lazed about on the couch, pondering this and flipping through the channels, the phone rang. I answered it and immediately heard my sister's loud and excited voice emitting from the earpiece.
"Okay, so I know you totally don't care about what I'm about to tell you, but I know that you so do." Paige teased me over the line.
"What is it?" I asked, slightly peeved with her for always having to be such a riddle.
"Oh well, it's nothing really," she continued. "I mean, I know you still care, even if you will deny it. I don't want to pull you out of your denial."
"Paige, just tell me already, will you?" It was hard to handle her games at times. This was one of those times, as I was trying to mentally prepare myself for a game the following day. It was a big game, against our cross-town rivals, and I couldn't be distracted from it.
"Well, you know that play I told you I was doing?"
"Yes," I sighed.
"Well, we were in the middle of one of our scene, and Marco just stood up and came out to his dad. In front of everyone. It was the coolest thing ever. I was just like 'Way to go, Marco!' But of course, you don't care. You're over that."
She hung up on me. I just sat there, staring at the wall and trying to comprehend what she had just told me. She had just helped me realize how completely stupid I was being about not knowing what had caused the hole inside me.
I shook my head, trying to clear it, but I just couldn't make it happen. I knew that it had been Marco that completed me, that made my life whole and worth living.
I chased this same thought pattern around and around inside my brain for several days. I just couldn't shake it. My game was shot. We won, but I was little help. As preoccupied as I was, I was benched most of the game. But the game didn't complete me the way Marco did.
My mind was completely occupied by Marco. Damn Paige! She knew how much she was screwing with my life. It was just like her though to do this. She knew that this would happen to me, how much I had loved Marco, how much I still did love Marco.
Finally, one afternoon I decided that maybe sulking around wasn't the way to get things sorted out. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door, no plan formed in my head. Even vague, shapeless idea of a plan would have been better than the nothing I had, but I had to do something.
I got into my car and drove, all the way to DSC, hoping desperately that I could do what I needed to do. But the hoping did me little good, as when I parked along the curb outside the school, I still had nothing.
I got out and waited. The final bell would ring soon. Excuses and stories chased each other around. I leaned back against my car, felt like I was trying too hard, and up straight again.
As the bell rang, I felt a rush of panic course through me. I wanted to jump back in my car and drive away. I wanted Paige to come out and save me. I wanted to do something. But before my brain could connect with the rest of my body, I saw him. He was walking down the front steps, chatting animatedly with his best friends, Ellie Nash and Craig Manning.
He seemed to be laughing and having a good time, without a care in the world. He seemed different, more confident, and free, so I knew what Paige had told me must be true. I tried to tear my eyes away from him, but was unable to do so before he noticed me standing there.
There was a look on his face of surprise, though only for a spilt second, which was quickly replaced by a look of confusion and hurt brought on by the ghosts of our past. My heart leapt as I saw him pat Craig on the back, who continued walking with Ellie, while he turned and walked towards me.
I pretended to be looking beyond him, afraid to look him in the eye.
"Hey," Marco greeted, sounding uncertain.
"Oh, hey Marco," I said back, trying to keep my voice unsuspicious.
"So, um, what are you doing here?" he asked me, tucking a lock of his long hair behind his ear.
"Paige wanted me to pick her up after school. I'm not sure why, but she asked me to." I felt like I was lying horrible. I wondered if he could see right through me.
"And you couldn't have waited in the car? She would have noticed that car if you weren't standing out in front of it you know."
It sounded like he was challenging me, as if he did see right through me. I was beginning to feel nervous and unsure of myself, and Marco was just standing across from me with a small smile of disbelief playing on his lips.
"I just needed some fresh air," I insisted, wondering why I was suddenly so afraid on this boy who used to be so shy around me.
"Yeah, well, I'm sure. Anyways, Paige has Spirit Squad practice after school," he informed me.
I was panic stricken inside, though I hid it well. I couldn't let him know that he was getting to me. I didn't know what to do or to say. Marco began to walk away, as if our conversation had ended.
I reached my hand out and touched his shoulder. "Marco wait. I'm not here for Paige. I wanted to talk."
Marco turned back towards me, smiling. "I figured as much," he told me. I gave him a quizzical look, and he kept going. "If you were going to pick Paige up, she would have told me. You know how she is."
I chuckled lightly as I opened the passenger side and watched him hop in. I quickly returned to my side and started the engine. We drove down the road in silence, as there was no radio.
I felt uncomfortable in the silence, but every glance I chanced to steal at Marco, he looked calm and relaxed. I finally pulled over on the side of the road, away from people. I shut off the engine and leaned back in my seat.
After several tense moments, I finally said, "I understand how you felt, you know. All along, I knew. I just couldn't admit that I was hurting too."
Marco's face look completely puzzled.
"With Eric," I went on. "I know it was killing you that I wanted to explore my options with other people. I wasn't trying to hurt you, but I was doing what I felt was best for me."
I felt like such an ass for even bringing this up again, for making him relive some of our worst moments. Marco's face had gone from relaxed to one of concentration, a face that was trying to mask the emotions stirring behind it.
"I told you," Marco defended, "that it made me feel worthless, like I wasn't worth staying with."
"I know that it is selfish of me to compare how I felt with how you felt. But I felt like I wasn't worth staying with because you couldn't tell your dad. I know it was something you couldn't do, but I felt like you were ashamed of me," I told him.
"That was different," he countered. "That was completely different. I wasn't ashamed of you. I was ashamed of me."
"For wanting to be with me," I blurted. "You were ashamed of yourself for wanting to be with me."
"Maybe I was!" Marco yelled back. "What you did to me was totally inexcusable though. I had issues with my dad judging who I was. Your issues involved wanting to fool around with other people. How is that remotely the same thing as being afraid to have one of the people that is supposed to love you no matter what suddenly stop loving you? Tell me that! My parents mean the world to me. So then, if Eric meant the world to you, then yeah, I guess it is the same thing. However, if that were the case, then I don't see why the hell what you did to me would matter to you."
I didn't like how this was going. I felt as though I was had accused him, and apparently he felt I had accused him also. At this point, accusing him was the last thing that I had wanted to do.
I continued. "It's just that… Paige told me what you did. About coming out to your dad. And…"
At this moment, I realized the complete stupidity and pointlessness of my coming here to do whatever it was that I was intending to do. I let out a deep sigh, and planted my elbows on the steering wheel and put my head in my hands. I shook my head at myself, refusing to look at Marco any longer.
I could feel Marco leaning back into the seat more. "I see. So, suddenly I'm an okay person again? I finally did what it was that you wanted me to do, and now you're bake to redeem yourself," he stated simply.
Still not looking up, I responded. "Pretty stupid, huh?"
"Not so much stupid. Just completely rude and inconsiderate and extremely judgmental."
I sighed. This was so pointless and I couldn't see this working at all. He obviously had a great amount of pent up anger towards me, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
Then he spoke again. And he didn't sound angry. His voice was soft and calm. "Although, I must admit, it's kinda nice seeing you again."
"Really?" I asked, finally looking up at him. "Even though there is someone else?"
Marco laughed. "Why would you think that there was someone else? Has Paige been telling you stories to make you jealous or something?"
"No," I said. "It's just that something must have made you come out to your dad. I kind of figured that something was a someone."
"Kinda, but not really," Marco told me. "I mean, there is Tim, but I've never liked him as more than a friend. I did it because he did it, and I felt guilty for leading him into that kind of trouble. But I did it for me. It was never you that was holding me back. It was always you Dylan. There could never be anyone else."
"Even after all I put you through?" I asked, as I cringed inwardly. Yeah, that's going to make everything better, I thought.
"Didn't we just go over that? Come one Dylan. I was angry, yes. But tell me this, would I be angry if you didn't matter to me?"
"It's always been you too, Marco. Eric was a stupid thing done by another stupid guy in college."
"I know," he said.
"I just don't see how you can forgive me," I said, partially afraid of how perfect this was coming.
"Because I love you," Marco stated matter-of-factly.
I smiled at him and then he surprised me. He had always been the shy one in our relationship, but now, he leaned towards me and planted a soft kiss on my shocked, speechless lips. Before I could even begin to respond, he pulled away, smiling at me.
I stared at him for a moment, bewildered. He was truly amazing. He had changed so much, yet he was still the same Marco I had always known. I looked down at his hands and took his in mine. Then I looked up into his soft brown eyes and pulled him towards me.
As our faces inched quickly together, I could feel the hole inside me disappearing, and when our lips came together once more, I knew it was gone.
In that long, wonderful, passionate kiss, I knew that nothing would be able to come between us again, and that I was complete once more. Forever.