Holding All My Confessions

A/N: Just a quick one shot I wrote while I was procrastinating. I was supposed to be doing homework...but...Anyway, please review.

Dear Diary,

I have to say lately things are being a bit…odd. Not that it's a bad thing. I don't mind it so much. I hate when things are so normal. It gets so boring and bland and ugh. Except these things are really odd. I'm starting to think the school has an infestation of Merglettys. Why else would these things be happening?

Okay well Ginny and Draco getting together was sweet in an odd kind of way. And I don't think I mind that too much either. Ginny is much happier now and Draco is more…I dunno, I guess I just realised he's not a bad person.

Not that I ever thought that.

Also Hermione and Harry decided to go out. And frankly them getting together is… a little scary. Though it is actually quite good for them both, but …I'm still not used to it.

Nope not at all.

It seems…uncanny. Plus there's a rumour going around about Snape and McGonagall. Although Ginny assures me that that is absolute nonsense.

But when you think about it… Considering the oddities that seem to be spreading around, I wouldn't be surprised if the rumour turned out to be true.

I am almost sure the school is facing a rather horrid plague of Merglettys.

There is absolutely no other reason.

He's staring at me again.

For the past few weeks I keep catching him staring at me. HE is staring at ME. And then I turn and look at him to let him know that I know he's staring but he doesn't stop. He just smiles slightly and keeps looking at me. It makes me feel all…bubbly and nervous. Which is a very bad thing. At least I think so…Ginny says it's normal.

She thinks I fancy him.

But I don't. At least I don't think I do.

Hmm…maybe the Merglettys got to me too.

I can't fancy Blaise Zabini right?

Right?

MONDAY MORNING

I rather think something is wrong with me.

I can't stop thinking about her. Her dirty-blonde straggly hair. Grey-blue bulbous eyes. And odd quirks. At times I find myself playing with butterbeer corks thinking about her silly necklace. And it's not like she's the usual kind of girl I go after.

Not that the girls I usually go after keep me up at night thinking about moons and the Quibbler.

In fact the girls I usually go after don't keep me up at all.

They're just flings.

And with her, I haven't even done anything and she's all I can think of.

Is that even legal? Maybe she poisoned me with her…what did she call them? Merjtellies? She keeps talking about them. That the school apparently has an infestation. Mergelltees. I don't know.

Something is really wrong with me, although I don't think I mind it all too much.

Not really.

Dear Diary,

I think the Merglettys did get to me. All this morning all I could think about was Blaise Zabini. I mean honestly! There has to be something wrong with that. I'm not the kind of girl who stays up thinking about boys.

I'm the kind of girl who stays up thinking about…other stuff. Anything but boys.

Or maybe I've just gone insane.

I've heard about these creatures. Torkers. They like hanging around different people and playing with their minds trying to make them go insane. Maybe they've been doing that to me?

I told Ginny and she just rolled her eyes and told me that I'm not subjected to any Merglettys or Torkers, she tells me that I fancy him. That it's normal. But this can't be normal.

Wait since when am I normal?

If this isn't normal, does that mean that it fits since I'm not normal?

Or maybe it is normal. And since I'm not normal we can't go together.

Drat.

This stuff is way too complicated. These things are way too hard to decipher.

Maybe I should just go hide in a basement. Then I don't have to figure any of this stuff out. I can lock myself somewhere in the castle and hide there for all eternity…

Even if it is impossible it still sounds very appealing to me.

I could try it for a day or two…

THURSDAY AFTERNOON

I have to say, she is really very confusing. I found her this morning in a closet arguing with Dana Millis and Helen Hatcher.

What she was doing in a closet is beyond me. What she was doing in a closet with two other girls is even more confusing.

Okay well to be honest she wasn't really arguing, she was being yelled at.

And that really didn't float to well with me, so I pulled her aside and I started yelling at the two of them. Needless to say they left. So I turned to Luna who had a very blank, petrified, and shocked look etched across her face. And all she did was turn to face me and say "There are a lot of gay people in this school."

With that she sprinted off leaving me there very confused.

Its things like that that make me stay up thinking. She always says the oddest things.

Speaking of which, I've just done the oddest and weirdest thing ever. I read the Quibbler.

I have to say the articles are really, really funny. I finally figured out what she meant with the Merglettys. Rather interesting article it had on them too.

Draco keeps looking at me as if I'm an entirely different person. And he keeps throwing peas at me.

It's rather depressing. I tell him how I feel about Luna and he laughs. Then he starts throwing peas at me.

I don't see how he has the right to laugh. He fell for a Weasley.

Then again…I laughed when he told me he fancied Ginny.

Actually, if I was in his place I'd laugh at me too.

I'll laugh right now.

Ha, Ha. I'm an idiot.

Draco has a really odd sense of humour, the peas he's been throwing at me are starting to rearrange themselves on the table to form a sentence.

Take her to Hogsmeade

I should. That is if she wants to go with me. Normally I wouldn't think about whether a girl wants to go with me or not. Because all normal girls want to. Of course they would.

Except Luna is the farthest thing from a normal girl.

And I will really, really care if she doesn't want to go.

I can't believe it, but I Blaise Zabini am afraid to ask Luna Lovegood out.

Dear Diary,

I have to say I'm surprised.

You would think that in a castle this big, there would be at least one empty room I could lock myself in to mope and reflect.

One room to hide.

But no, they are all occupied.

Every single one.

Apparently hiding myself in a closet for all of eternity is impossible because there is not one empty closet for me.

Today I walked into 27 different people, well actually it was 27 couples, so I guess you could say I walked into 54 people while I was trying to find my empty closet.

Half of the people I walked into were snogging, the other were doing much more… And two thirds of the people I walked into were doing what they were doing with people like them. I mean gay people. I walked into roughly 18 gay people.

Eighteen.

I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew there were gay people at Hogwarts, but this just makes me think there's a lot more than I imagined.

It makes a person think.

PLUS, I walked into the very person I was hoping to avoid by locking myself in one of those rooms. Which I never did find.

I had just walked into the short, sophisticated, Ravenclaw Helen Hatcher, and the out-spoken, eccentric, Gryffindor Dana Millis, well, snogging (or maybe more, I couldn't tell). And the two, well Dana, really, started yelling at me about interrupting and something else, I really wasn't listening, I was too shocked. They were about the tenth gay couple I'd walked into, ten out fourteen couples, and I was startling to get weirded out. Anyway, Blaise pops out of nowhere and starts yelling at Dana for yelling at me. He said some things and gave them both detention, though maybe giving them detention together wouldn't be a good idea…So then they leave, leaving me alone with Blaise, and he's just staring at me with a funny look, and I regain my composure and I know I said something, though I cant quite recall what, and leave him to continue my search for a place to hide.

My very fruitless search.

Something is going wrong with this school.

Things aren't supposed to be this…odd. This different.

Ugh, and now that I've realised there are no empty closets, my only possibility is shattered into thousands of millions of pieces.

Not fair.

FRIDAY EVENING

I hate myself.

I truly, truly hate myself.

I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I have the perfect opportunity to tell Luna how I feel about her and what do I do? I insult her.

I like a girl, and I mean really like a girl and I don't have the gall tell her how I feel!

What the hell is so wrong with me that I can't tell a girl that I really, truly like her when I'm not sure if she'll reject me or not?

I hate myself.

Dear Diary,

He insulted me.

He insulted me.

He insulted me.

I'd repeat that sentence again, but I'm afraid you'll start throwing things at me. Merglettys allure Herpresi which allow beings like you to have human capabilities – like throwing things.

And I really don't want things thrown at me.

But I thought – I talk to Ginny about how I feel and she tells me – no assures me – that it's no big deal because she is sure he like me to.

Ginny is so full of it.

If he liked me, he would not insult me.

I expect insults from everyone else, but not from him. And I highly doubt that if a person likes you – as a girl or as a friend – they will not go off and insult you! I know I don't have much experience in this particular area but, I don't think things work like that.

He insulted me!

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

I can't believe I'm writing on a piece of paper when I could be doing more…interesting things.

I could be at Hogsmeade.

Wait, let me rephrase that, I was at Hogsmeade.

Then I saw Luna on a date with Neville Longbottom and decided Hogsmeade was way overrated.

Draco threw a chocolate frog at my head and told me that I should quit being such a moping ass.

He said and I quote "Blaise, what the hell is wrong with you? The girl you like is out on a date with a complete moron and your solution to this is to go back to the castle and mope? How thick are you?"

But I was not being thick. And I am not moping.

Except this little paper makes it seem like I am, but I'm not!

I don't care if Luna is on date with Neville – fucking – Longbottom. I don't care if my moon is spending her time with some pathetic Gryffindor. I don't care if she and Longbottom start to snog like I've envisioned us doing countless times. I don't care if –

Fuck, I do care.

Fuck this.

Dear Diary,

Maybe I'm ugly.

Why else would Neville run off?

I'd been talking to Rosmerta, about, well I don't remember what, Neville had been sitting at our table and then next thing I know – he's gone. He just up and left. Running like some crazed animal.

I could blame it on the Merglettys, but I really don't think it's their fault.

I think it's mine.

Maybe I'm just too weird.

Too ugly.

2 HOURS LATER

I'm an ass.

First I insult her and now I made her think she's ugly.

Which she's not. She's gorgeous.

Ginny came up and told me off for making Neville run away, (I threatened him a bit) she said that "…For fuck's sakes Zabini, if you like her, ask her out, don't make her feel like crap!"

Which I never wanted to do, I wanted to ask her out, but I... couldn't.

Now I feel like a complete ass.

I have to make it up to her.

She's not ugly.

I have to make her see that.

Dear Diary,

Oh dear,

I'm having trouble writing.

A lot of trouble.

I was – I was moping around outside trying in vain to stop thinking about how ugly and weird I am. And well, I – well

Suddenly he was there.

And he started talking really fast.

And I mean unusually fast, I should know.

In fact it was so fast the only word I caught was "…sorry…" So I asked him if he could say it again 'cos I didn't understand and he – he

He kissed me.

He kissed me.

He kissed me,

It was so – I don't think there's a word for that.

I'm all jumpy and jittery, and all bubbly and I still feel all jittery.

He kissed me.

This is odd. I mean he likes me. And I like him. I don't think I mind the odd things quite so much.

I bet it's the Merglettys fault.

If it is I say thank you.

SOMETIME LATER

I really don't understand myself.

I don't have the guts to ask her out, but when she standing near me, her face all wet with tears and eyes shining miserably, I have the guts to kiss her.

Hmm, I kissed her.

I'm gonna have to try that again sometime.

Maybe she did poison me with her Merglettys. Good thing too.