I made it a routine to sit outside during lunch. Every day, Malfoy would join me and we'd either talk about small things or not talk at all. That latter usually happened more often.
Inside the school, however, we did not talk, nor even acknowledge each other. It was a silent agreement. Out of school, when no one's watching, we'd be friends. In school, on the other hand, we'd pretend the other wasn't present. I didn't want to jeopardize our newfound friendship so quickly by disagreeing.
I didn't ask and he didn't tell. That's how we begun.
If you were to ask me during our first week if Malfoy was my friend, I'd answer no. On the contrary, we hardly knew each other. Then again, we had a bond. It is that bond that kept us together. I didn't understand it at first but gradually, it came to me. It was a stream of acknowledgement that stood between us. We were thankful for the other. Well, at least I was.
During our silent times, I really was grateful that he was there. A gush of appreciation filled me up. He didn't have to be there, yet he was. He was always there. Never saying anything, he'd silently watch over me. I thought of him as my protector. Protecting against what, I did not know for sure but he was simply my safeguard. Now that I think of it, he was protecting me from the harshness of reality. Ebbing away the things I didn't want to know.
Throughout the weeks, I got to know him better. We never talked yet I learned about him. He was not a charmer, as I initially thought he was. Charm was unknown to him. He did not boast over who he slept with; rather, it was the other way around. I began to think that the girls that he attracted were simply stupid and thought that he was someone they could change.
I had not trusted him yet. For some reason, I could easily trust a new student, yet I could not trust this person. I'd observe him, and I'd tell myself that he is my friend. But, the trust did not come. Friendship is all based on trust. If the trust does not come, then how could friendship follow?
I finally decided that he was my friend. I did not trust him; nonetheless, he was my friend. I wanted to bring this up with him, since he was my "friend" but I couldn't find a good time. I couldn't easily ask him in school, where everyone was watching. It was during those silent days that I brought it up. I could not contain myself any longer. It just seemed too great to keep from him. Besides, I had the right to know. For the first time, I asked.
"Are we friends?"
He looked at me for a long time. He didn't respond right away, which is another thing I've learned about him. He studied my face, as if trying to figure out a preferred answer on my part. "Like I said, I have no friends and I don't need any."
He had an icy tone. I didn't want to provoke him any further, but I needed to know. "So what are we?"
"We are neither friends, nor enemies. We're not strangers to each other, but we're not friends. We aren't acquaintances."
I took in a sharp intake of air. "You've named what we aren't. Now name what we are."
He glared at me, as if daring me to ask more. I comprehended that he was being generous in letting me ask more than what I dared. "We are nothing to each other, yet everything at the same time."
His logic made no sense to me, whatsoever, but I decided to shut my mouth and think about it. I wanted to ask him what he meant by that but I knew the conversation was over and to continue it would be a waste of time.
I looked away, to the sparse trees surrounding the lake. Usually, couples find their way there to serenade each other in their private place. Malfoy and I, on the other hand, always sat under a tree, where a bench was located.
I didn't know why he chose to sit with me, if I was not his friend. He could have sat anywhere else, but he chose to sit with me. He never ate, and when he thought I wasn't watching, he'd examine me. He'd examine me until I spoke. But during our silent lunches, he'd watch me the whole time.
I never asked, he never told. That's how our relationship was like.
-:- -:- -:-
How long I was infatuated by him, I do not know. It started like a seed, and then sprouted into a tree. I realized with dismay that if he had disappeared spontaneously, I would be crushed. Not because he was my friend as I had originally thought, but because I had concealed affections for him. But I knew, without a doubt, that he did not feel the same way. He would never understand the concept of passion. He did not want to understand.
And yet, I wanted to believe otherwise. I wanted to hope, to dream, that he would one day find out what it was like to love and to be loved. I wanted to be the one that showed him this new idea. I wanted to be the one who changed him for the better. Was it wrong of me?
I was in a melancholy state for I knew, almost against my will, that it was a one-sided love. I loved him as a friend; he did not return it. I cherished his presence, but he did not care for mine. How long was I to feel this constant aching of my heart? How long was I to feel the grief?
Of course, I remembered Cedric. How he had moved my heart and changed the way I was. I felt that I was betraying him, somehow, like he was watching over me and disapproving of what I was doing. I didn't mean for this to happen, I assure you, but it just happened. It was as if I was sizing Cedric and Malfoy up, as if seeing which I loved more.
I expected to keep this inside and it would burn out, eventually. I didn't want to ruin what I had with Malfoy by unexpectedly springing this upon him. He would be appalled and maybe he'd laugh. He would stop whatever progress we made and leave me. I knew that much. I probably knew him more than anyone else, anyway.
Whether he knew I had liked him or not, he did not show any recognition of it. He acted the same with me, silent and closed. When we talked, his tone had no feeling into it. I've never seen him joyful or happy. It was not part of his hard life.
One day, when he did not show up during our usual lunch period, I wondered what had happened for I had seen him in class. Alarm spread throughout my body as I thought he did not want me anymore. I felt dejected and helpless. He had left me and I never even saw it coming. I concluded that he must've found out about how I felt and wanted to avoid me because of it.
It was paranoia to the greatest degree, but there was never logic in infatuation. You only thought the worst and you never thought of the many things that could have happened.
Towards the end of the break, however, he came through. It had been 5 minutes left and I was brooding over the cognition that he probably was amused by me this whole time and had not cared at all. He just came over, and you could just imagine my joy at that moment. Relief and warmth showered over me. I could hardly hide what I felt.
"Sorry," he simply said and sat down.
I smiled, broadly, unable to contain myself. Forgiveness was easy on my behalf. "It's ok."
I bit my lip to ask him why he was late because I knew questions were pointless. He would tell me on his own, if he wanted to tell me at all. I knew him long enough to understand that.
And sure enough, he explained, in an annoyed tone. "That stupid Karen doesn't know when enough is enough."
Hesitantly, I mustered up the courage to ask, "What happened?"
He sighed, in a tired fashion. He pushed some of his blonde hair out of his face, and then glanced at me. It was obvious he was debating whether or not to tell me. And then, "I slept with her over the weekend."
At those words, I nearly choked over my food. He paused to watch my reaction, as if anticipating a startling expression. Composing myself, I became a stone. I knew that all he could see is my calm disposition. He could not see further than that.
He continued, still very aware of my appearance, "She thinks that we're going out and she expects me to do the crap boyfriends do. I told her that it was a one night stand, and she started crying. It's disgusting. It caused a commotion because this is Karen, we're talking about. Ugh, she makes me so sick."
Dryly, I blurted out, "You know, if you didn't have sex every other day, this wouldn't have happened."
He peered into my eyes. I could see the anger that he was trying to recede. "I don't care about that. What she thinks is entirely up to her. Why should I care? You, of all people, should already have that concept. It was the fact that she had to cause a riot. She's got so many connections that I'll probably be in a fight this afternoon."
My heart's beating quickened. I didn't want him in a fight any more than I wanted him to have sex. My words were useless to him but I tried anyways. "Be careful. You could get seriously hurt or in deep trouble."
His eyes bore into mine. In a dead voice, he said, "I don't care. I can handle pain. Pain is a regular thing for me. As for trouble," he said, almost in a whisper, "I can handle that too. It's not new to me. Didn't you know that by now?"
The bell rang and he let go of my eyes, leaving me stunned.