CHAPTER 14: Mallory

TO: Gillian Orton

FROM: Mallory Pike

RE: What I've Been Up To

Dear Peter and Gillian:

Greetings from America! How are you? I've been doing all right. Oh, I just heard about Gillian having another baby in a few months. I also heard that she's having a girl, and you're still kind of unsure about a name. Well, I've been thinking about that, too, and I think Sara would be a perfect name. You know, after Sara Crewe from A Little Princess. And just between the three of us, I'd just like to say thank you so, so much for wanting me to be your baby's godmother. That really meant the world to me.

Did Mom or I tell you that my school's doing Carnival? It's based on this movie called Lili, and there are quite a few differences. For example, Carnival has more than one song in it, because it's a musical, whereas Lili just has the one song in it. Also, it's not only more enjoyable to watch, but one of the puppets is different. In the movie, there's a clown, a giant, a snobby rich lady, and a fox; and in the play, there's a walrus instead of a giant. I really hope you'll be able to come, even though I'm the assistant director. The show opens in two weeks, but I'm still hoping you'll come.

Anyway, today's rehearsal was, for several reasons, one I'd like to forget...

One word: horrible.

If you were to ask me to describe today's rehearsal, that would pretty much sum it up, but believe it or not, it actually started off pretty normally. Everybody was off-book, Midgie was behaving herself, Sam and Logan were acting their age, Dawn wasn't trying to change her lines—you get the idea, right?

"This is going pretty well, huh?" I asked Mr. Cheney.

"Mm-hm," he said tentatively. In the back of my mind, I wondered why he'd said it that way. As it turned out, I didn't have to wonder for long.

"Mallory, could you get me some coffee, please?" Mr. Cheney asked, handing me a dollar.

"Sure," I answered. On my way out of the auditorium, I happened to catch a bit of Jessi's contortionist act. She was doing a great job, even though one of her dreadlocks was coming undone.

Watch out, Jess! I silently warned her. But when she was touching the top of her head with her toes, she accidentally caught her hair scrunchie in her foot and pulled it right out of her hair! When she realized what had happened, she frantically tried to put it back in her hair and continue her act at the same time, but in the process, she tripped over her own foot and fell toward Dawn. Luckily, Dawn was able to catch her, even though she ended up dropping her sign into the orchestra pit. It landed in Anna's lap, and she was having a hard time moving it out of the way while trying to stay with the beat.

While this was going on, Ricky Torres, Hannie Papadakis, and Nancy Dawes were walking around in front of the orchestra pit and saying their lines, like they were supposed to. Unfortunately, Ricky had his own idea for how to say his lines.

"Get-your—sou-ve-nirs!" he announced. "Get-your ve-ry-own sou-ve-nirs from B-F Schle-gl's Grand Im-per-i-al Cirque de Pa-ris!" He actually sounded a little like Howard Cossell, someone I didn't think any of us kids knew, or even heard of, least of all Ricky. (Also, I could be wrong, but I think I saw him shake his head a little.)

Naturally, everyone backstage practically gave themselves hernias from laughing so hard. I would've joined right in, but instead, I looked at Mr. Cheney. He was sitting there with his head in his hands. I could tell he had that gut-feeling that the worst was yet to come—which, of course, it did.

A little while later, after we got through "Magic, Magic" and "Kommen", we started on the "Carnival Ballet". In this number, everyone is frozen onstage when Dawn comes out and looks around, then sees Jessi spinning from a rope. This was a real surprise, considering the fact that Mr. Cheney absolutely refused to use flying ropes during Peter Pan. To this day, I can still see Jackie Rodowsky trying to jump off the dresser and almost turning himself into a quadriplegic.

Anyway, Linny was supposed to start her off with a push, but this time, he pushed her a little too hard. And somehow, her dreadlocks managed to come undone again.

"Lin-neeee!" she cried. When Linny realized what had happened, he frantically tried to stop Jessi from spinning, but she smacked right into him, sending him into Bart, who fell against Kristy, and basically making the Bluebird Girls into dominoes. If that wasn't bad enough, Rosie Wilder banged her elbow when she fell, and Midgie's tail happened to be right in the way, too. That scared that poor little mutt out of her mind, and once again, after yanking Karen over in the process for the second time, she ran straight to the orchestra pit and into some seventh-grade trumpet player, knocking him forward. This poor guy, whoever he was, managed to fall over and cut his lip on his music stand.

Well, folks, this was when we all could tell that Mr. Cheney was at the end of his rope, no pun intended. "Wait a minute, wait a minute! What is this? What is going on here!" he shouted. "We've got a bleeding trumpet player, and once again, a hysterical dog! Linny, get up and stop Jessi from spinning! In case some of you have forgotten, we happen to be opening in two weeks! TWO WEEKS! Doesn't that mean anything to any of you? I mean, I'm sweating bullets here! And is it too much to ask that you be here on time? Maybe it is too much to ask! Why should any of you be here on time? Hell, for that matter, why should any of you be here at all? That does it, the play's off!"

There was a gasp from all of us, then we just stood there, staring at him. Check, please, I thought.

Also, I could be wrong, but I think I heard Abby whispering to Barbara Hirsch, "I'm not shouting! All right, I am! I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shou—bonk!" Barbara managed to stifle her giggles.

"Well, get to work!" Mr. Cheney bellowed as he started up the aisle. "Cheese and crackers, look at those booths! And have you gone over 'Yum Ticky' yet? Noooo, of course not! Leave it to Mr. Cheney, just like always! Apparently, no one cares what happens to this show but me! We'll have to call the papers and tell them we're not going to open on time. At this rate, it'll be summer by then! Oh, God, I need a Tums. Mallory, where's my coffee! And who put the gum under my desk!"

After Mr. Cheney finished ranting and raving, he stormed the rest of the way up the aisle and out into the hall. I can still hear the hollow thud of the door echoing throughout the auditorium as he slammed it.

"Cheese and crackers?" a thoroughly puzzled Karen asked.

"It's just an expression, Karen," Kristy explained.

"Maybe he's hungry," Linny suggested.

"Okay, you heard the man," I said, trying to get everyone back to what we were doing. After all, I was the assistant director, right? "Let's go, let's go! Move it, move it, move it! Now Dasher, now Prancer!"

Everyone was clearly struggling not to laugh, but when they saw me glaring—and I hardly ever do that, except at my own siblings—they shaped right up and continued as if nothing had happened.

Rehearsal continued without further incident, but I was still pretty upset. In fact, when I got home, the first thing my siblings noticed was the look on my face.

"What happened, Mal?" Byron asked.

"Byron, you don't want to know," I sighed in disgust.

"Are you going on strike again, Mallory silly-billy-goo-goo?" Claire asked. I could tell that she was remembering the time I had a story to write for Young Author's Day, and how nobody would leave me the hell alone so I could work on it.

"No, I'm not," I reassured her. "I've just had a long day today."

"Can we get you anything to cheer you up?" Nicky asked.

"Thanks, but all I really want is just ten minutes of peace and quiet," I answered. "That means no fighting, no asking me for favors, and NO BIZZER SIGN. You hear me?"

I guess I sounded really agitated, because the next thing I saw was seven heads nodding in unison, and then they all left the den in record time.

I pulled the desk chair up and sat down at the computer. It was time to drop a line to England. Hopefully, talking to Mom's favorite cousin and her family would help me get my mind off today's mess of a rehearsal.

I think it's safe to say that today's rehearsal was one of the worst in the history of show rehearsals. After what happened today, I really hope that things will get better. Since it's going to be videotaped—and if I can get Mr. Cheney to copy it so it'll play on a Region 2 DVD player—they have to get better. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Well, I'd better get ready for bed now. Take care of yourselves, and tell the boys I said hi, okay?

Your cousin,

Mallory