My Fault

Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own TMNT. All tough I would like to have Raphael (nothing naughty all you sickos out there). This one actually is not one of my favorites; I was in a really bad state of mind. Please let me know what you think.

I was crying my eyes out on his bed, the bed where he held me close and told me he loved me. The bed where I poured my aching heart out to him and he tried his best to comfort me. But not anymore he was gone; he had died with honor like a true warrior, and he died for me.

Yet my heart refuses to believe it.

He'll come back, just wait and see. He'll come bursting through that door, and come to hold you tight.

It kept telling me, but my mind knew he was dead.

He's not coming back. Just move on, like you other relationships.

But this wasn't like my other relationships this one was different. And not just because I'm a human girl and he was a 5-foot tall talking ninja turtle. I could feel his love for me, his lust for me, and when he said 'I love you' I knew that he meant it. But no more, I would no longer see his mischievous grin, nor hear his laughter. I wouldn't feel the touch of his reptilian skin, or see him work out in the dojo anymore. With beads of sweat forming on his head and roll down to his neck. I would no longer feel the warmth of his embrace of his muscular arms, or the beating of his heart as I lay across his chest. No more will I feel the tender touch that my heart yearns for. Or the soft, passionate kisses that made everything all right. I'll never again see his dark eyes behind his mask that stare lovingly into mine. Why the hell did he have to go now? When things were just settling down. No more Shredder or Foot trouble. Why did his brother and I get into that fight? I wouldn't have left the den in blind rage and he wouldn't have followed me, to make sure I wouldn't get my self into any trouble, which I did.

One week ago:These punk came from behind me, to do what? I don't know. There seemed to be only four of them, they knocked me on the back of my head, I couldn't think straight, stand, or even see! But I could hear, and I herd they're cussing, shouts, and murmurs of surprise as the gazed upon him. One by one he took them down before he came over to check on me. My vision was coming back I could see his face full of concern for me. Then from a shadow I herd a sound that will haunt me forever, the loading of a gun. It seemed like he herd it too, because he covered me with his body. He leaned in and whispered to me 'I love you.' one last time. The shot range out into the night and he went limp agents me, I just started to sob. Seeing blood started to trickle around his head, knowing there is nothing I can do. There was more fighting going on around me and more shots rung out into the night, but I didn't take time to look. I just stared at his face; his lifeless face. Looking into the eyes that stared at me with love, the eyes that will blink no more. Feeling his skin that was once warm but now ice cold. Someone tried to pick him up off me, but I clenched to him tight.

"No, no, don't take him from me! Please!" I was screaming at them and try to kick and push them away. I looked up to see it was his brothers, sadness in their eyes. All 6 of those eyes told me they knew he was gone. They finally managed to get him off of me with much difficulty, and carried him back down to his master, his father. Who also cried, I had never known him to cry. Emotions ran though me, and I couldn't take being in the same room with all this pain. I ran, I ran into the sewers, staying away from every manhole that I crossed. I'm not daring to go above ground ever again.

Present: Now I'm in his room, clutching his weapons in my hands, never letting them out of my sight. I am now vary thin and completely exhausted, because I hardly sleep or eat. My dreams are full with him and that night. No matter how often his brothers try to persuade me to eat something, I only eat cereal once a day and nothing else. For I can't eat any more that that. Why, I do not know. And for the rest of the day I will stay his room not wanting to go anywhere else, especially up to the surface. Now my tears have dried for the day, and I'm starring at the wall thinking of all I have done and lost. All the pain that I had caused, and I came to realize

Oh God, this is entirely my fault; if I didn't go out he wouldn't have followed me. He never would have gotten shot. His family has every right to blame me for this. I don't disserve to live.

Fresh tears have now welled up inside me, but I must be strong, I will not cry any more or ever again. I pick my self up off his bed, and walk to the door and out to the sewers. I left a note explaining to his family that I am sorry for getting him kill, and that my life is worth nothing now. I reach the manhole that leads to the place that I dreaded for so long, the place I never wanted to see again. I climb the latter and remove the cover. I looked around in the dark to find the blood where he laid. I walked over there and fell to my knees. After taking a couple of deep breaths, I pulled one of his three pronged weapons out of my inside jacket pocket and held the sharp pointed end to my chest. I look up into the midnight sky, unwanted tears stream down my face, as I say my last words. "I'm sorry, for everything. I love you, and when I awake I can only hope to see your face again, Raphael."