A/N: Thanks for the great reviews guys! I really can't tell you how much I love you guys for those. They're like pixie sticks highs to me, and that's saying something.
**Disclaimer: I own a Discman, a shelf full of books, and this laptop. I don't own anything related to this show. And even if you do sue me, all you're getting is the Discman and the books because there's no way in hell you're getting my laptop.**
A Whole New World
by Angel Monroe
Chapter 8: Screwing Up
Rory rushed through the door of her apartment just as the phone began to ring. Jess held back for a moment, unsure of whether or not he should let her alone to talk to her mom. In the end, he invited himself in, figuring that depending on the news she received from her mother, Rory might need someone to talk to afterwards.
Still wanting to give her space, he told her, "I'll be reading in your room when you're done."
"Thanks," she said, pausing before she picked up the receiver on the third ring. "Mom?" she said eagerly.
"Hey babe," came the voice she had longed to hear for the last eight days. Though she sounded tired and a little weak, it was Lorelai nonetheless. "How ya doin' over there on the mainland?"
"I'm pretty good," she said plopping down on the couch with the cordless plastered to her ear. "How's treatment going?"
"It's horrible!" Lorelai replied, then quickly, "Not really. I'm just upset that they cut down my coffee allowance."
"They what?" Rory smiled a little.
"Three cups!" Lorelai said indignantly. "They said that my caffeine levels were way too high and that I can only have three cups a day. Can you believe that?"
"How are you still breathing?" Rory asked playing along with a tone of disbelief.
"I don't know!" Lorelai cried. "I tried to tell them that six was my minimum, but they wouldn't listen!"
"Evil doctors," Rory said.
"Yeah," Lorelai agreed. "Otherwise, it's just some pesky nausea and a few headaches. At least I'm not losing any hair yet."
"Always a plus," Rory concurred. "Who knows what you would do if you were deprived of your ability to spend three hours doing it every morning."
"It is not three hours!" Lorelai declared. "Two and a half at the most!"
"Okay, Mom," Rory smiled. After a pause, she said quietly, "I miss you."
"I miss you too, babe," Lorelai said, and Rory could hear her trying not to cry. "It sucks here without you. I found this great little café that makes coffee almost as good as Luke's and I have no one to sit with."
"So how long are they keeping you overseas?" Rory asked, dreading the answer.
"They're not sure yet," Lorelai replied. "The doctors want to see how the cancer reacts to the first round of this experimental treatment. It'll be over in a week, but they're not sure after that."
"Oh," Rory said, her face falling. As much as she really didn't want to know how long she would have to go without seeing her mom, she needed to. She would go crazy just wondering. "You'll tell me as soon as you know?"
"You're already on my speed-dial," Lorelai replied, and Rory could hear her smile. God, she missed that smile. "Well honey, I'd love to stay and chat, but all of this excitement is making me really, really tired."
"Am I allowed to call you now?" Rory asked desperately, not wanting to leave the comfort of her mother's voice.
"Oh yes," Lorelai replied. "And I'll be calling you at least twice a week just to get my Rory fix."
"Okay Mom," Rory said, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. "I'll talk to you soon."
"Bye sweets."
"Bye." Rory hung up the phone, breathing in sharply as she tried not to cry. This was what she had waited for. She should be happy. Why wasn't she happy?
Putting the phone back into its cradle, she just sat for a few moments, feeling like she might die and not knowing the reason. Her mother was okay. She was getting along alright with her treatments and had even found a good coffee place. She was going to be alright. She was going to be fine. There was no need to worry, so why did Rory feel like she was paralyzed?
"You okay?" Jess's voice brought her back to herself as she wiped a few stray tears quickly from her cheeks.
"I'm fine," she replied standing to face him. She forced a smile and tried to sound casual, but her voice shook just enough to let him know that she was lying. "It was just like you said it would be. It was great."
"So how long until she comes back?" he asked, trying to be as gentle as possible. He walked around the couch to meet her.
"I dunno," she sighed. "The doctors want to see how the first treatment goes."
"Huh," Jess said. There was a tense silence as neither of them knew what to say. "So," Jess repeated, "you okay?"
"Yeah," she said quietly, tears running involuntarily down her cheeks as she tried to look away from him. "I just wish I knew when I'll see her again." Then almost inaudibly, "If I'll see her again." Wiping her cheeks again, she looked up into his questioning eyes. "I just miss her."
"I know," he said sadly.
He could see that she was trying so hard to keep it together, as if she wasn't allowed to get upset. With one smooth motion, he pulled her into his protective arms. Unable to hold it in any longer, she put her head on his shoulder and cried into his shirt, unleashing all the tears she had been repressing since a month ago when her mom had first told her about New York. She had kept them hidden so that Lorelai wouldn't feel bad, and then so John and Grace and Jess wouldn't feel sorry for her. But she couldn't take it anymore. Now she just clung to his shirt and cried desperately.
Jess stroked Rory's hair gently. He had never been the comforting type. He hated to see girls cry. Now, feeling Rory's body shake with sobs, it was scaring him to death. Still, as he stood there with her in his arms, all he wanted to do was to make her happy, to see her smile. Wrapping his arms tighter around her, he kissed her hair and whispered in her ear.
"It'll be alright," he said. "I promise you, you will see your mom again."
"How can you promise that?" she asked him, looking up into his eyes as hers were still brimmed with tears. "How can you say that when you know even less about this than I do?"
"Because," he replied softly, "if you're anything like her, she's gotta be strong. She'll get through this." The corners of Rory's beautiful lips twitched up a little, but she couldn't seem to make herself smile. "And besides," he continued, "if she can't visit before the end of the summer, I'll personally buy you a plane ticket to London."
She finally broke into the tiniest smile, and relief washed over him as they stood there face to face. "No you won't," she told him with a little laugh. "I won't let you." A tiny pause. "But thanks for offering."
She stood close to him for a moment, still half in his arms. Her hands rested flat against his chest and she smiled up into his eyes. They were only about six inches apart. She felt her heart race, noticing their proximity. It would be so easy to kiss him right then, to just close that distance and lose herself in him for a few short moments. Since they had met, he had let his guard down to her a few times, and she was smart enough to know that that was a precious gift. He had been so sweet to her since she'd come to town, and now he was even holding her while she cried. He was being so amazing, kissing him would be so easy, so natural.
'God she's beautiful,' he thought staring into those deep baby blues. He ran his tongue unconsciously over his lips. 'Why does she have to look so good? It's excruciating.' He hated being around her, and yet he craved her company: her laugh, her smile, her eyes ('My God, those eyes'), their endless debates over literature. He just drank down every drop of her he could get, and then incessantly begged for more. She was like a drug to him, and he couldn't get away. Without even thinking, he closed the gap between them and pressed his mouth to hers.
'Shit!' he thought as soon as he did it. 'She's going to run. Please, God, don't run, or laugh, or slap me.' But even as he thought this, he could feel her respond. He kissed her like there was no tomorrow because—frankly, depending on how John reacted—it was possible that there wasn't going to be one. He just relished the feel of her soft lips beneath his, drinking her in again. He moved one of his hands to the back of her neck as the other stayed around her waist. He was holding her there, hoping to God he hadn't just screwed up.
'He kissed me!' she thought in complete astonishment. 'Holy crap, he's kissing me!' She felt his lips move over hers, gentle and passionate at the same time. The kiss was almost pleading, begging her to tell him it was okay. She felt everything in her go numb, and for a moment she thought her legs might give out beneath her. She slid her hands up and around his neck, pulling him closer to keep herself steady. She had been waiting for this since the first time she'd looked into his eyes. This is what she wanted.
A thought passed through her mind, stopping her in her tracks. This was the first time in a long while that she'd felt truly happy. It was the first time she had let herself be happy. 'Is it fair for me to be this happy?' she thought. Her mother was overseas being pumped with radiation or God knows what this new treatment was. She was probably miserable, and now Rory was happy? How was that fair?
"Wait," Rory said pulling away, this thought running circles around her head, "stop." She looked up into his eyes and saw something there. Fear? Pain? Disappointment? She couldn't tell because as soon as the words were out of her mouth, his mask of indifference was squarely in place. "I can't," she told him with trembling lips, wishing so much to be pressed against his again. "I'm sorry."
Without another word, she pushed away from him, running into her room as she prayed he would forgive her. She could hear him calling after her, but she forced it out of her head as she closed her bedroom door and locked it. Leaning back against it, she felt as if she couldn't breathe.
A few moments later, she heard a knock, but she refused to open the door. She knew it was him, and she couldn't talk to him right now. Not when she was so confused and jumbled up. She wanted so much to go back out there and kiss him and hold him and be wrapped in his arms, but it just didn't seem right for her to have it that good.
'Why do I feel guilty?' she asked herself. 'Mom would not want me sitting around here moping forever. So why am I not allowed to be happy?' Still, she couldn't make herself turn that door handle.
The knock came again, but this time it was followed by his voice, hardly louder than a whisper, "Rory? Rory, open up." When she didn't move, barely even breathing, he continued. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't . . ." There was a pause. ". . . I didn't mean to scare you. I just . . . Just come out here. Please…" After a few endless moments, she heard him sigh. "Fine," he relented quietly, "I'll see you later." She heard him swear softly to himself and walk away.
Rory let out her breath as she heard the front door shut. "Dammit," she whispered sliding down the door to the ground. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
The next week went slowly. Rory didn't call him or visit him, though he had tried to call her several times. She practically locked herself in her room to avoid seeing Jess. She stayed away from Jay's, the record store, the park, and even the coffeehouse. She just couldn't face him. She had no idea what to say to him, how to act. She liked him . . . really liked him. She had just freaked out before, thinking about her mom. After a little while, she had calmed down about it, even talked vaguely and very briefly about it with her mom over the phone, and Lorelai was happy for her as well. So now all she needed was the nerve.
She wished she knew how to approach the matter. She didn't even know if he really liked her. He could have been caught up in the moment, trying to make her feel better. Or he could have done it on impulse and regretted it as soon as it had happened. But even if it did mean something to him, he probably hated her at that point for running from him. He could have been thinking so many things about it right then, and she was scared to death to find out which it was.
The afternoon one week from the kiss, Rory couldn't stand being cooped up in her room any longer. She had read through half of her library and it was starting to get incredibly tedious. She wanted movement. She knew that Jess was spending the day with John, so she thought that it would probably be safe to walk to the bookstore. Getting changed out of the pajamas she was still wearing, she took a shower and went about her daily routine.
Stepping outside into the hot New York air, she felt refreshed by the sights and sounds that she was quickly getting used to. The sound of cars honking through lunch hour traffic. The hustle and bustle of pedestrians as they forged on to their next appointment. It was all becoming so familiar now as she joined the activity and strided towards Jay's.
"Hey Jay," she said as the door closed behind her.
"Hi Rory," the woman said, a little surprised to see the girl. "Um, Jess isn't here with you?"
"Nope," Rory said trying not to give anything away. "He's spending the day with John."
"Oh," was all Jay said. She had noticed lately that Jess had been coming in alone, always with a sad look in his eyes shining through the mask he wore. She worried that they had had a fight. "Well, I'll be up here doing crosswords if you need me."
"Okay, Jay," Rory replied with a small smile.
She headed toward the classic lit section. She really needed something to lose herself in right then. Pulling out one of her most beloved volumes, she stretched across one of the couches there and began to read.
"So," John said as he sank a ball into the corner pocket, "what's up with Rory?"
"What do you mean?" Jess asked standing off to the side, leaning against the wall.
"I mean," John lined up his next shot, "you see her non-stop for the first week she's here, and all of a sudden she pulls a hermit and passes on the twelve times every day you call, which is unlike you in the first place. So, what happened?"
"Nothing," Jess said stepping forward as John missed the shot. "Just . . ."
"Just what?" John's voice was a little less calm, a little less friendly.
Jess shot and missed, unable to concentrate. He took a deep breath, not really knowing how to explain without dying. "I screwed up," he said quietly, praying John wouldn't flatten him right there.
"What'd you do?" John was staring coldly at him.
He paused again, unable to meet his friend's eyes. "I kissed her," he said finally. "She was upset and crying, and it just happened. And then she ran into her room and she hasn't spoken to me since."
John looked at him, all of his anger and fear subsiding. "You like her," he said almost reluctantly.
Jess looked up at him. "Yeah," he admitted quietly. "I do."
"She likes you," John told him.
"She ran," Jess said.
"She likes you," he repeated.
"Then why won't she talk to me?" Jess looked defeated. John hadn't seen his friend worked up about a girl like this in quite some time.
"She'll come around," John assured him. "She's not like us, Jess. She comes from a place so sugary and happy, it would make you sick. She's not used to guys like us. You probably just scared her a little."
Jess nodded, looking down at the pool cue he was ringing in his hands. "I just . . . I don't know what to do. I mean, I've never been in this situation before. No one's ever run from me, and I've never liked a girl I would actually care about losing."
"I know man," John said, half sympathetic, half laughing. "It's harsh, but I think you'll live."
"Yeah, whatever," Jess smirked giving John a friendly shove. "Let's get back to the game."
"Rory?" she heard a voice, though she didn't know where it was coming from. "Rory, wake up."
Rory opened her eyed to find Jay smiling warmly above her. "Hey," she greeted the woman. "What's going on?"
"You fell asleep," Jay replied.
"Sorry," Rory said pulling herself up into a sitting position on the couch. "What time is it?"
"Well," Jay looked at her watch, "it's about time for me to close. Around eight forty."
"Oh my gosh," Rory was wide awake now. "I didn't leave a note or anything. Aunt Grace and John are probably worried sick about me."
She reached for her pager to message John, but found that it wasn't there. She mentally hit herself, remembering that she had left it on her dresser that morning.
"Can I use your phone?" she asked Jay, but the woman shook her head.
"The phone's out of order," Jay told her. "A guy's coming to fix it tomorrow morning."
"Dammit!" Rory almost yelled as she stood up. "I have to go."
Rushing out of the bookstore, she had an overwhelming sense of urgency in the pit of her stomach. She knew that they would worry about her being out by herself, especially since the sun was just setting.
"Mom!" John called as he let himself and Jess into the apartment. "I'm home."
Jess looked around, half hoping to see her, half dreading that conversation. If it even happened. He missed the sound of her voice. He missed seeing her face. He missed her eyes, the way they searched his, looking into the deepest parts of him. He missed her.
"Hey," Grace called as she came into the living room from her bedroom in the back. Seeing her son and his friend, confusion passed over her features. "Where's Rory?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Jess asked, his voice holding a hit of trepidation. "Rory's not here?"
"No," Grace replied. "She wasn't here when I came home from work, so I figured she'd caught up with you guys."
"We never saw her," John told her, and all three of them went silent, all privately contemplating what could have happened.
"I'll page her," John said going to the phone. "I'm sure she's fine."
As he picked up the receiver and dialed, Jess felt a twinge of panic spreading through him. It was fast getting dark and he had warned her about walking alone at night. It wasn't safe, and he hated not knowing where she was.
As John clicked off the cordless, they all waited impatiently for it to ring again. Instead, all they heard was a tiny beeping sound coming from Rory's room. Confused, they filed into the room where they saw her pager beeping loudly on her dresser.
"I'm going out to look for her," John said immediately as he headed out of the room.
"Me too," Jess grabbed Rory's pager and followed him. "There are only a few places in Manhattan where she'd be comfortable hanging out by herself. There's the coffeehouse, the park, the record store, and the bookstore."
"I doubt she'd be in the park this late," John said. "I don't know about the record store, but I'm guessing the coffeehouse or the bookstore since she's been gone for at least a few hours. Still, she could be anywhere in between. I honestly don't know."
"Okay," Jess said thinking. "You check the coffeehouse; I'll check Jay's. If either of us finds her, I have her pager so we can message each other. If we don't find her, we'll meet at the park and spread out from there."
"Okay," John agreed. "Let's go."
Walking quickly, Rory tried not to let the shadows bother her. 'It's just my imagination,' she told herself. 'Only my imagination.' Still, she couldn't help but feel as if she were being followed.
She looked around for something to ease her mind, but there was nothing comforting. The street was pretty empty. No shops, no vendors. She really didn't recognize anything.
'I can't believe I'm lost in New York,' she thought. 'I've walked to and from Jay's a hundred times before.' But she had always had Jess with her, and everything looked different in the dark.
She tried not to get scared. The streetlamps gave off enough light to see fine, but every time she stopped walking, she could swear she heard something move behind her. And yet every time she turned around, there was nothing there. It was seriously creeping her out.
'I'm fine,' she thought yet again. 'It's just my imagination.' But even as she thought it, she quickened her pace.
She stopped at the corner of two streets. 'Jackson Street,' she thought back to the map she had looked at way back before she'd come to New York. She'd wanted to get a feel for it beforehand. 'Jackson runs into Walburg, which is how I usually go. I'm pretty sure if I turn right here, it's only a block or two until I'm back on track.' Smiling at her own navigation abilities, she took the right and began walking again.
After about a block, she started to get scared again. There wasn't as much light there and it was harder to see. The street was completely deserted and every shadow made her nervous. She wished she had just taken Jess's advice and not started off on her own after dark. She should have found a payphone and called John to come get her, or asked Jay to give her a ride. Now she was alone and Jess's words rang over and over in her head: 'This isn't Connecticut; this is Manhattan, and a lot could happen out here at night. A lot that you really don't want to know about.'
She was about twenty yards from her street when she felt a strong hand on her shoulder. She cried out as he pulled her into an alley and slammed her against the wall of a building holding one of her arms behind her back. He put his full weight on her, her face pressed roughly against the brick.
"Wallet, jewelry," he demanded as he pulled a switchblade out of his back pocket.
The blade stood out silver in the almost pitch darkness of the alley, and Rory breathed in sharply as she tried not to cry. Slowly reaching into her front pocket, she pulled out her wallet and held it out for him. He took it forcefully from her hand and then took the watch from her wrist.
As he violently jerked her around to face him, she took in his appearance. He was taller than her by at least six inches, and a lot bigger. His wide shoulders and thick arms made it obvious that she didn't have a chance of getting past him. His face was covered by a dark ski mask, but even so, she could see that he was looking her up and down. His lips formed a sneer.
'Oh God,' she thought, crying out as he grabbed her roughly by the neck, pressing her against the building. 'Oh God.'
"Do exactly as I say," he ordered gruffly, "and I won't have to hurt you too bad." He traced the blade of his knife over her cheek, drawing the tiniest line of blood.
Rory couldn't think, couldn't move. She could barely even breathe, he was squeezing so tight. Her eyes wide with terror and disbelief, she merely nodded as tears began to spill down her cheeks, her salty tears searing the shallow cut.
The man smirked wickedly and loosened his grip on her neck. As she gasped for breath, he ran his calloused fingers down the collar of her shirt. Just as he was about to unbutton her blouse, they both heard a movement behind him.
"Get the fuck away from her," Jess's voice came, though Rory's view was obstructed by the big burly man standing in front of her with a knife.
"Mind your own fucking business!" the man replied sharply. He held his knife close to her throat as he looked over his shoulder.
"Okay," Jess said sardonically, "I'll just go call the cops. I'm sure they'll have something to say about your business."
The man in front of Rory paused, weighing his next move. Finally, he released Rory and ran out of the alley, deciding that she wasn't worth the trouble.
For a moment, she couldn't move. She just stared around, wide-eyed, wondering what had just happened. Then, crumbling to the ground, Rory sat sobbing as her entire body shook uncontrollably. She couldn't breathe, relief and shock washing over her like a tsunami. She could have been killed, worse. If it hadn't been for Jess . . . she couldn't even think about it.
As she cried there on the floor of that dirty alley, Jess tried to catch his own breath. He had no idea what he would or could have done if that guy had decided to fight him. He had no weapons on hand, and he definitely wasn't as big. Now all he could do was watch his Rory cry and thank God he had been in time to save her.
After a few minutes, he bent down next to her. "Are you okay?" he asked her, stroking her shoulder gently.
She shook her head, sobs shaking her body. "I am so not okay right now," she cried. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again."
Jess felt his heart break as he put his arm around her shoulder. Gently, he pulled her into his arms and she cried into his chest. They sat there for what seemed like hours, him holding her, protecting her from the world that she never should have had to experience.