I own nothing, I never will own anything.

I'm Glad I Always Wear Sneakers

I'm not really a fainting sort of person, but if I were suddenly dumped into Middle Earth I bet I'd learn real fast.

I've already talked at length about why I don't deserve the Fellowship in my house. My only other option is to go on the quest myself. Despite the part of myself that quietly admits I'd sort of like to at least meet them, I know it's a bad idea. Let's bring in an opinion that's based in reality. If I appeared in the middle of Elrond's council with all kinds of knowledge about the quest, I'd most likely be locked up very quickly. Not because they're mean horrible people, but because they're smart. Making sure that no one evil ends up knowing what I know is going to be their priority. Their second thought is going to be using that information for themselves. But then a lot of what I know is a bit jumbled now. I tend to pick the bits I like from book and movie canon, I'd probably only have the big details right. Imagine the interrogation-type scene. "Oh c'mon you know his name, that guy, well, I'm not sure if he's going to be there, are you book or movie verse? Is Glorfindel around or did Arwen rescue the hobbits?"

But really what are the odds that they'd let me go on the quest? I've never picked up a sword in my life and apart from being able to kick higher than anyone in my self-defence class because of ballet lessons, I'm still fairly useless in that area. I'm not even a fast runner. And unless the quest involves being able to leap piles of books in a single bound or defeat the dreaded unknown mouldy object that my cat brought in, I don't think I'd be much help. I can't even read maps that well. I get lost three blocks from my house. (seriously, it happened once. People take maps away from me and refuse to listen to my directions) I have no sense of direction. As my sister noted, I'd wind up washing dishes in Rivendell or something.

But let's suspend disbelief and pretend they let me come along. Day one I can think of a problem. Several actually. I get the feeling I'm not fit enough to walk along at a fast walk all day. And I don't think the Fellowship would be very sympathetic to me whining about it either. Then there's the fact that I think of distance in very different terms to them. I think 'Five hundred k's? That'd be about five six hours once we hit the freeway." The Fellowship would think about the same distance in days. But I'd have a slight advantage over some fangirls, I use public transport quite a bit and I'm used to having three hour travel times that would take fifteen minutes to drive. (if you used cityrail you'd understand). And I can ask 'Are we there yet?' in more than one language. I believe that would be a valuable skill. That could be something that I could teach Pippin, I bet Gandalf would love that. Plus I always wear sneakers, I wouldn't have to struggle along in heels or anything.

I don't even want to think about certain girl issues I'd have to face every month or so. And at least Guide camps had Portaloos. Middle Earth is like an episode of Star Trek, there are no toilets. I could stand sleeping on the ground though, that wouldn't irritate me as much.

So let's ignore the obvious problems and concentrate on something I'd see as a problem I'm Aussie and I didn't see snow until I was sixteen and I had to go to Europe to do that. Not that I went to Europe just to see snow. Although I don't seem to feel the cold as much as some of my fellow Australians, imagine the shock of going to Middle Earth's Autumn or whenever it is from my Summer. It's normal for it to hit high the thirties everyday here in January and February and I can remember one memorable day when it was 45 degrees (Celsius that is) They climb a mountain and the Fellowship almost freeze to death. I'd be hypothermic just beyond the snowline. Even if I did arrive in what I consider winter clothes someone would say, 'What will you wear if the weather turns cold?' I mean no one really wears short sleeves in Middle Earth. The only exceptions seem to be those who aren't human and I think I'd be staying human thank you very much. I think I'd have enough problems dealing with life without DVDs and microwave popcorn without changing races and finding out that I'm related to someone through a series of coincidences that Shakespeare would consider implausible. There would be swearing. Lots of it.

Then there'd be the almost crushing feeling of what you know. You'd have it weighing on you all the time. How could you joke around with these people? In some ways you've been inside their heads, seen what they think, read their soliloquies. You've invaded a portion of their lives just by reading the books, you've spied on them by watching the movies. If someone had done that to me I'd be devastated and almost broken. At least Galadriel is sort of polite about it. As a reader we barge in without limits. That said I'm not going to stop reading.

The all important story. Could you honestly tell me you wouldn't be tempted to change things? We rage at Mary-Sues when they do that, disturb canon, but I can understand why. Yelling at Gandalf, "It's Mellon, you twit! Now hurry up and get inside before we're Watcher-food and I get all wet and cold! AGAIN!"; would be a minor offence on my part. There's the fact that I'd be around Boromir for months before he's meant to be killed. Love him or hate him, could you really just let him die? I don't know what I could do about it, but I'd hate myself for not trying. Not just for him, what about the looks on Merry and Pippin's faces? Guilt doesn't always fade. Although the same could be said about Boromir's guilt about trying to take the ring if he lived.

But then if I did help him then I'd have the fun of being able to stare at Eomer and Boromir at the same time. C'mon, you know they'd argue at least once with the Gondor/Rohan rivalry there's meant to be. But maybe canon itself resists change and whatever I did Boromir would die anyway. Helm's Deep, Black Gate, he could catch the flu for all I know. Well that was strangely D&M for me.

But back to the quest. I'm not obsessive-compulsive clean by any stretch of the imagination but I appreciate a shower. They don't have those during epic journeys apparently. It seems to be getting rained on or falling into a freezing cold river for shower options. Does snow get you clean? I was too busy slipping on black ice to notice. Or else I guess you just have to wait until you get to the nearest elf-haven or city. Maybe there's laws I don't know about that govern the shower issue. I sincerely hope Aragorn didn't come up with them. No offence intended.

Showers somehow lead me into another concern of mine. I'd be considered more of a scholar than a fighter (Got three university degrees already) Then there'd be the 'she's just a woman' thought they'd have from time to time. They might be polite enough not to say it to my face, but they'd think it. Annoyingly those are the times they're living in, doesn't mean I'd have to like or accept it. But I'd be thinking something like 'that is such a guy thing to say' every once in a while so I can't complain too much. By the end of the first week I'd want to talk to girl just to complain about them. If I'm going to commit the sin of being a tenth walker, I might as well drag along an eleventh. Preferably female and preferably someone I don't want to kill. At least to start off with. I'd want to kill her by the end of the quest though. Maybe that would solve the Boromir problem, the 'oh just get away from me' factor that seems to crop up every time I'm stuck with someone for an extended period of time. Nah. I like to think I'm not that vindictive.

But really would anyone in the Fellowship actually like me? It would be a huge disappointment if they didn't. And who would it reflect on? Me or them? My inner ego voice would say it was them, but then my inner fan voice would say that the Fellowship gets along with a lot of people so maybe I'd be the problem.

Sigh. Who wants to be I'd be one the first 10th walkers to marry no one and die before Aragorn's coronation? The odds are looking good.

Next up, being stuck there 200 years before the fact.

AN: Thanks to all reviewers and thanks to Robert for inventing the 'inner ego voice'