Lorelei woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed as she tried to remember why she was so scared. She couldn't recall the events of the dream except that in it, she wasn't able to move. She had tried to move, tried to scream or run or lift a finger, but something wasn't letting her. It was like she was paralyzed, but the details of the dream had faded the instant her head rose off the pillow.
Closing her eyes, she took a few shallow breaths and opened them again. It didn't really matter whether her eyes were open or closed because the room was black as coal. The sun had obviously set behind the curtain on her window, and the digital clock on her nightstand said 9:43. She would never be able to get back to sleep.
Clicking on the lamp on her nightstand, she heard a groan from the other side of her bed. Letting her eyes adjust to the sudden light, she saw Rory sleeping next to her. Smiling, she watched as her daughter rolled over, burying her head in the pillows as she'd always done when trying to escape the coming of the new day.
'Not yet,' Lorelei thought, pulling the covers up over her daughter's shoulders. 'It's not time to wake up yet.'
She flipped off the lamp, walking through the dark until she got to the hallway. She turned on the hall light and gingerly closed her door.
Walking around the house, Lorelei wondered what she should do. She really didn't want to be still right then. She had spent a good part of the morning sitting in the dark crying on her bed. She didn't want to start that up again. She tried to watch TV, but there really wasn't much good on. She tried to do crosswords and organize various things that needed to be organized, but she had never been good at that kind of stuff. She tried to get her mind on anything other than the big, blaring question in her head, but she couldn't escape it. Every second, she was still wondering, "What now?"
Finally, desperate for a distraction, she grabbed a light jacket and headed out the door.
The diner was just closing up when she approached the door. The sign had been flipped, but she could see Luke wiping down tables inside. She didn't really want to bother him, but she really needed someone to talk to. She felt like her head would explode if she didn't do something soon. Taking a deep breath, she knocked lightly on the door.
Surprised by the sudden sound in the empty diner, Luke looked up. When his eyes met with Lorelei's, she saw him visibly soften. For a moment he just stood there, staring into her eyes as if he had never really seen them before. Then, snapping back to reality, he walked over and unlocked the door for her.
"Hey," he said, his voice soft and almost apologetic.
"Hey," she replied timidly, her eyes skimming the ground as she stuffed her hands in her back pockets. "I know you're closed and everything, but I could really use a cup of coffee right now."
"Sure," he said without hesitation, holding the door open for her. "Come on in."
She stepped in, suddenly unsure of herself. Nothing was really concrete in her mind right then. All she knew was that nothing would get any clearer without coffee and Luke's ear. She hadn't really spoken about her condition to anyone save a few superficial and clinical comments here and there. Talking about it more than that scared her to death. That would mean that it was really happening. But somewhere in her head, she knew that accepting the situation was a very important first step.
"The coffee will be a minute," Luke said as she sat at a stool by the counter. "I have to make a fresh pot."
"That's fine," she said.
"Shouldn't you be at home right now?" he asked as began to wipe the counter down. "I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you, but shouldn't you be talking to Rory or resting or something?"
Lorelei chuckled dryly. "I just got more sleep than I have in the last week. Trust me, it doesn't help."
"What about Rory?" he asked, his eyes on the counter, thankful for the distraction. "She was pretty upset when she came in here this morning. Did you guys talk?"
"She was in here?" Lorelei asked, her voice guarded. "How upset was she?"
"Pretty bad," he replied glancing up at her. "Jess brought her in. Said he had found her on the bridge. She just came here to clean up a bit before going home."
"Clean up?"
"She just looked as if she'd been crying for a while," he told her. "Nothing life threatening."
"Did she say anything?" she asked, not sure if she wanted the answer to be yes or no.
"Just a little," Luke said. He paused, taking a deep breath in as he met her eyes again. "She said you need surgery."
Lorelei's entire being tensed, her mouth set in a straight line, and Luke couldn't tell what she was thinking. He didn't know if she was mad or sad or scared or relieved. It was all hidden just beneath the surface, threatening to break through.
"Yeah," Lorelei said simply, her voice aiming for nonchalant but giving away a note of repressed trepidation. "The treatment I got before didn't hold nearly as well as the doctors thought it would, so surgery is pretty much my only option at this point."
"And how are you doing with that?" he asked.
"Oh, you know," she said, a stray tear breaking through and spilling over her cheek and onto the counter. "I'm holding up. I always seem to."
Soon, many more tears joined the first, falling from her eyes as she tried futilely to wipe them away. She had spent so much time building this mask of casual indifference to this stupid disease, and now it was crashing down and she didn't like it. She didn't like feeling helpless.
Before she knew what was happening, Luke had rounded the counter, wrapping his arms around her. For a moment, she was just stunned. This was so unlike him; he wasn't the comforting type. He hated when girls cried in front of him. Then it didn't matter. She was just glad he was there, holding her while she sobbed into his chest. It felt so good to have someone else be strong for her. So she just stayed there for the longest time, letting him be her strength while she mourned the loss of her own.
After a while, her tears slowed and subsided, dried only by the fact that she physically couldn't cry any more that day. Between right then and earlier that morning, she didn't think she had any more left in her. And yet, the lack of them only left her feeling emptier, more exhausted despite the sleep she'd had earlier. As she'd already told him, it didn't help.
"Thanks," she said quietly as she pulled her head off of his shoulder. "I didn't mean to get weepy all over your shirt."
"It's okay," he said, his arms still hanging absently around her. "That's what I'm here for."
"That and your coffee," she said trying to lighten the mood, but he only cracked the tiniest of smiles.
"Well," he replied with a twinge of lighthearted sarcasm tainting his comforting tone, "I know where your priorities lie."
"What do you expect?" she chuckled, her eyes still shining with watery tears as she looked up into his. "It is the elixir of life."
"Then we'd better get you some," he said letting her go so that he could go behind the counter and pull a mug out for her. He poured in the freshly brewed coffee and she took a slow sip, grateful as it washed out the bitter and dry taste in her mouth. "So did you talk to Rory?" he asked again, trying to make conversation.
"Not yet," she replied. "I took a nap this afternoon and she must have come home while I was asleep. When I woke up, she was sleeping there next to me in bed." She had a slightly faraway look in her eyes, the faintest smile playing over her lips. "She's so beautiful and funny and kind and smart." Her smile faded into an expression of regret. "I hate that she has to go through this with me. That was why I sent her to New York in the first place."
"I don't know for a fact, but I think she wants to be there for you," Luke told her.
"But I don't want her to be," Lorelei sighed. "She should be worried about school or boys or books. She should be concentrating on the latest gossip or insane town festival. She shouldn't be worried about me. I should have stayed in London until I was completely better. I shouldn't have come back." She bowed her head as if the thought made her ashamed.
Luke was silent. He didn't know how to respond to that. Of course, he wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that he and everyone else wanted her there, but he couldn't form the words in his mouth. He couldn't tell her that without telling her how much he'd missed her, how much he cared, and that he just could not do. Not now.
"I have to stop this," she said finally, shaking her head as if to shake away the thoughts inside. "I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. This isn't going to do me any good."
"It's not feeling sorry for yourself," he argued. "It's you getting out all the crap that's been piling up in your head for what I'm thinking is far too long. It's good for you."
"Yeah," she said unconvinced. She took one last sip of her coffee and put the cup back down on the counter. "Well, I'm going to get going," she said. "I don't want Rory to wake up and find me gone."
"You want some company on the walk?" he asked gently.
She smiled softly at him, noticing the sincerity in his eyes. "Thanks," she replied. "That would be nice."
He filled a to-go cup for her and locked up, trusting that Jess would either stay in tonight or find some way of coming and going. He always did. They walked along slowly, in no rush to leave the warm August air. Neither said anything, both unable to find sufficient words, but they didn't really need to. Lorelei knew that he wanted to say that he'd be there for her and Rory when they needed him, just like he always had been, and Luke found all the thanks Lorelei could ever express in the smile she had on her face right then. Words would simply be inadequate.
When they neared the from door of the house, Lorelei turned to him, not really knowing what to say but knowing that she had to say something. And yet there was so much going on in her head right then that she didn't really trust her mouth.
"So…" she started. She stuffed her hands in her back pocket and kicked an imaginary rock. 'Why do I all of a sudden feel uncomfortable around Luke?' she asked herself looking anywhere but at him. 'It's just Luke.'
She looked up and found him staring back at her. There was something there, something in his eyes, that she'd never really seen before, or maybe she had and had just never really noticed. They were so intense, such a deep and cerulean blue, that it almost took her breath away. She had never really noticed that about him. And the compassion and tenderness they reflected in them were enough to make her want to cry again.
"I have to go," she said finally, her eyes still locked on his as she stepped back from him. She didn't think standing too close to him at that moment was a safe thing to do. "It's getting late and I have to go in for treatment tomorrow."
"Yeah," he said, his voice soft as he looked away from her. "You should get some rest."
She chuckled dryly. "Yeah, rest," she said. "I'll try."
"Call me if you need anything," he told her for what had to be the millionth time. "Even if it's coffee and a doughnut at three in the morning, I'm never more than two minutes away."
"I know," she said smiling lightly. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Goodnight Lorelei," Luke said, finally turning and heading back toward the diner.
"'Night," she whispered before letting herself in and closing the door.
She leaned against it for a moment, wondering what the hell was going on in her head. This was Luke. Luke. Diner man. She wasn't supposed to think if him as anything but that. And she didn't. Really, she didn't.
'Maybe this…whatever it is…has reached my brain,' she thought smiling a little as she headed upstairs to attempt sleep once again.
The next morning, Lorelei woke not with a start, but with a sigh. She had been having a good dream, one of the best she'd had in the last month or so. And yet, as her eyes fluttered open to the midmorning sun, she couldn't really remember the exact events of it. She tried to close her eyes and return to it, but it was no use.
She looked over to her alarm clock and saw that it was quarter to ten, only fifteen minutes before her alarm was supposed to go off. She groaned. Too late to go back to sleep, but she just hated missing that extra fifteen minutes. What a waste.
She turned over in the other direction and smiled again. She hadn't bothered to move Rory into her own room the night before, wanting the comfort of her there. Now her daughter was still sleeping peacefully, one arm stretched across her mother's stomach and the other cushioning her own head on the pillow. Her hair spread out underneath her, sticking up this way and that. She was perfect.
Pulling herself out from under her daughter's arm, she got up and headed for the shower, leaving Rory to be woken by the alarm. She took her time, wanting to make the morning last. She didn't want to think of where she was going, what she was waking up for. She just wanted to pretend that this was a normal day.
When she walked out of the bathroom, she practically collided with Rory, who was on her way in. They shared a look, but both understood that neither of them really wanted to talk until they'd had serious caffeine. All Rory did was reach out and hug her mother, holding her there for a moment more than necessary, and then proceeded into the bathroom to take her shower. Subsequently, they went about their usual routine without so much as a word.
Fully dressed and as ready for the day as one could expect, they got in the jeep and headed for Luke's still not talking. The silence wasn't so much uncomfortable as melancholy, hanging over them like a fog. When they stepped out of the jeep, neither was in an especially good mood.
"Coffee," Lorelei called as they entered, though she couldn't muster the gusto with which she usually said the words.
"Just made a fresh pot," Luke said from behind the counter, smiling slightly at each of them in turn. He put two cups out for them and they sat down gratefully. "So how are you guys doing this morning?" he asked.
"As well as I'm going to be," Lorelei replied. "At least I got some good sleep last night."
"That's good," he said bobbing his head a little. "How about you, Rory?"
"Not bad," she said quietly. "Can't really complain."
"Good to hear," he smiled a little. "You guys want some breakfast?"
"I'm not supposed to eat anything," Lorelei said cautiously. "I don't really think I'd be able to hold it down later, anyway…" her eyes got a little sad, a little faraway, "…you know, after…"
"Yeah," Luke said sympathetically. "Rory?"
"Can I just get a doughnut?" she asked. "I'm not really that hungry."
"Sure," he said picking one out of the case for her. "On the house."
"Thanks," she said smiling a little, the first time since the morning before.
"Hey," she heard a voice behind her, and she felt arms circle around her waist, enveloping her.
"Hey," she replied, leaning back against him.
"You okay?" he asked in her ear, his breath brushing against her neck. She turned her head so she could look into his eyes. They were so full of concern and fear. She could almost cry again.
"I'm okay," she told him, her voice assuring. "Thank you for yesterday."
"Don't mention it," he replied squeezing her tighter against him. "You know I'm there, always."
"Yeah," she said, the corner of her mouth twitching up, but she couldn't make herself really smile. One that morning was strenuous enough. "I know."
"Good," he said letting go and rounding the counter to start work. "You guys on your way to the doctors?"
"Chemo," she answered, her eyes flickering from her coffee to her mother. Her voice was barely above a whisper, much to the discontent of the town gossips who were trying hard not to be obvious.
"You need any backup?" he asked, wanting to let her know that he willing without smothering her. He wasn't really sure how to handle all this.
"Thanks," she said quietly, looking up into his eyes, "but I'll be okay. I want it to just be Mom and me." She paused, putting her hand over his on the counter. "But thank you. I'll call you when I get home."
"Okay," he relented, his voice quiet as if he was thinking intently. His expression, though unreadable to many, told her that he was struggling with something.
"You want to go for a walk?" she asked him. "We have ten or fifteen minutes before Mom and I have to leave."
He nodded, waving wordlessly to Luke as Rory slipped off her stool and they walked out into the morning. They ambled silently for a few minutes and she waited her him to get his thoughts in order. He would tell her what was wrong when he was ready.
Finally, his voice broke through the quiet. "You scared me yesterday, you know that?" he said, his voice calm and heartrending. "When I found you on the bridge, sobbing so hard you could barely breathe, it scared the hell out of me because I didn't know what to do."
She looked at him, but he wouldn't return her gaze. He just kept walking, his eyes on the ground, his fingers twined tightly with hers as if he thought she might run.
"I don't know what to do for you, Rory," he said. "I've seen a lot of scary shit in my life, but back in New York there was always a way to do things. If my friends were in trouble, it was my job to control the situation. If my mom was in trouble, it was my job to call the cops or the hospital or whatever. If I was in trouble, it was my job to get out of it. There was always something that I was supposed to do, some way to fix it. But I don't know what to do here. I want to be there for you, but I don't know how."
"You're doing a pretty good job so far," she told him, though she knew it wasn't really going to help.
"I do what I can," he said, his voice tired. "I just feel a little inept here." He shook his head, smiling half-heartedly. "God, I sound so frickin' selfish. This isn't about me. I should just shut my mouth and stop complaining."
"No, I want to know if you don't feel comfortable with all this," Rory replied, her voice strained a little. "I mean, it's not your problem. If you don't want to deal with it…"
"Rory, no," he said stepping in front of her, making her stop with him. "I want to do whatever I can for you. I want to be there with you when you need me, but I need you to tell me what to do. I need you to call me when you need help, and tell me to shut up when I'm doing a bad job of it. I need you to tell me what you need 'cause I really don't know."
Rory nodded her head, biting at her bottom lip. "I'll try," she said quietly. She leaned her forehead on his chest, closing her eyes as he stroked her hair. "I'll try," she repeated more to herself than to him.
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, feeling her rest against him. She felt so fragile, like she was made of glass, but he knew better. He had seen how strong she was, and how she could take care of herself when she needed to. And that scared him too. What if she didn't need him?
He hated not being in control of any given situation, not being able to handle everything thrown at him like he'd always done before, but this was completely foreign to him. Girls had never been a real thought-provoking topic in the past, and now his head was screaming with questions and doubts.
"You should probably get going," he said finally, loosening his grip on her.
"Yeah," she replied. "I should probably get a little more caffeine in me before we leave too. I'm not good in stressful situations without extreme amounts of coffee running through my veins."
"You'll do okay," he assured her. "Just remember that this is going to make her better. After the surgery, the chances of the cancer coming back are cut drastically."
She looked at him for a moment, no words coming to her head. Then, without warning, they were coming from her mouth. "How do you know that?" she asked, her tone surprised.
He bowed his head, a little reluctant to answer. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders, trying to play it off as nothing. "I did a little research on the net last night after you left. Came up with a few statistics."
"Like what?" she asked eagerly as they began to walk back to the diner.
"Like survival rates," he replied quietly. "I don't know what stage your mom's cancer is at, but considering her age and physical build, she has a good chance."
Rory was silent for a few minutes, not really sure what to make of the information. She wanted to be relieved and uplifted, but there was still that voice in the back of her head telling her not to get her hopes up. It was dangerous. Leaning against him, she just whispered, "Thank you," and they kept walking.
As they entered the diner, Luke and Lorelei turned to them, seemingly expectantly.
"What?" Jess asked as he walked back behind the counter and Rory went back to sit by her mother.
"Nothing," the two said quickly, then looked at each other and smiled with their eyes.
"Are you ready to go, hon?" Lorelei asked. "We need to beat the traffic to Hartford."
"Yeah," Rory replied with a hint of suspicion in her voice. "Is there another reason why we're rushing out of here when we still have an hour before your appointment?"
"No," Lorelei said quickly, not even trying to sound sincere, "of course not. Why would you think that?"
"I don't know," Rory played along. "Maybe because you're acting like I caught you singing Celine Dion in the shower…again."
"Hey!" she protested. "That was just once, and it was only because that one song was playing nonstop on the radio and I couldn't get it out of my head. It's not fair when they do that."
"Celine Dion," Luke chuckled. "I never thought you were the type."
"I'm not!" Lorelei cried. "It was one isolated incident that will never be repeated. Okay?"
"Whatever you say, Mom," Rory said with mock placation. "Are you ready?"
"I most certainly am!" Lorelei said dramatically, waving a goodbye to Luke and Jess as they headed for the door.
"Let me know how it goes," Luke called after her.
"We'll see you when we get back," Lorelei affirmed before they headed out the door and into the jeep.
"So what was that about?" Rory asked as she pulled on her seatbelt.
"What was what about?" her mother replied.
"Come on, Mom," she said rolling her eyes. "You're poker face wouldn't fool a blind man. Now what was that look going between you and Luke?"
"We were just discussing you two," Lorelei admitted as she pulled out onto the road. "Jess has been in town for almost a week and you two are inseparable. Luke was just telling me that it's not what he was expecting."
"Meaning?"
"He was expecting a miniature version of his sister, apparently," she replied. "Some kind of smart-assed, scatterbrained, alcoholic, chain-smoking, deadbeat delinquent."
Rory smiled a little. "Not too far off," she chuckled.
Lorelei arched an eyebrow but said nothing.
"Well he's not perfect," Rory replied, though she seemed almost proud of the fact. "He drinks, though not often anymore. He smokes, though he's trying to quit. He's completely smart-assed; there's no denying that. I haven't really seen him as a scatterbrain or deadbeat, but his title as Dodger shows that delinquent isn't too far off the mark."
"And this is all a good thing?" Lorelei still wasn't following.
"The point is," Rory said softly, almost wistfully, "that it's not all he is. He's also sweet and strong and intelligent and sincere and completely there for me. So no matter what he is or isn't, he's mine. And that's all I could ever want him to be."
Lorelei just looked at her daughter, almost amazed. This was her little girl, her Rory. This was the baby she had raised from birth. And now, this little girl was all grown up and completely head over heels for a boy. How did this happen? Why didn't she see it coming? She was having a hard time wrapping her head around the idea.
"Mom," Rory's voice broke through her daze. "Shouldn't you be watching the road?"
"Huh?" Lorelei said, turning attention back to the act of driving. "Oh, I was just thinking."
"About?"
She paused a moment before answering, a tiny smile playing over her lips. "How proud I am of you," she replied softly. "You know that I love you more than anything in this world, right?"
"Yes Mom," Rory said.
"And you'll always be my little girl, right?"
Rory rolled her eyes. "Yes Mom."
"Good." She put one arm around her daughter's shoulder, squeezing her tightly for a moment before letting her go and turning back to the road.
"Okay," Dr. Fergus said, "now because we're trying to contain and shrink the tumor and your surgery is in a couple weeks, I'm going to set you up with a lower dosage for today through Friday. Your biopsy is scheduled for Thursday at three. Then next week will be your resting period and surgery is scheduled for next Saturday at two."
Doctor Fergus was going about prepping the bags of fluid, cleaning and disinfecting Lorelei's wrist, and going over the procedure once more.
Lorelei was in a hospital gown already, lying in a bed waiting for the doctor to insert the catheter. She looked as if she had been through this many times and Rory had to remind herself that she had. Lorelei had been through all this in London; Rory just hadn't been there to watch.
Rory sat in a chair in the corner of the room, fiddling with the hem of her sleeve and biting her bottom lip. She tried to think about the fact that this was helping her mother, making sure the tumor didn't spread further. This treatment was keeping her mother alive. And yet, as Dr. Fergus pressed a needle into her mother's skin, connecting her to that medicine she was so in need of, Rory felt like she was going to be sick.
"This dose is going to take just about an hour to administer," Fergus continued. "If you feel nauseated, dizzy, or any sharp pains, call the nurse and she'll page me immediately."
"Got it," Lorelei forced a smile.
"I'll check back every fifteen minutes or so," she said and then exited the room.
Lorelei sat silent for a while, leaning her head back against the bed with her lips set in grim determination. Rory wasn't really paying attention, just staring into space as her thoughts ran rampant.
"You okay sweets?" she almost jumped at her mother's voice. She looked up to see Lorelei watching her
"I'll be okay," she replied. "Just thinking about everything."
"You know you can go get some coffee or breakfast or something," Lorelei told her. "You heard the doctor; I'm going to be here for about an hour. It's not like I can get up and go run a marathon or anything."
"I'm not hungry," she said quietly. "I want to be here, Mom. I want to be here with you every second of this."
Lorelei was silent for a moment, conflicted between letting it go and protesting. She really didn't want Rory to be anywhere near this, but then it wasn't her choice to make.
Finally, resolve in her voice, she sighed, "Then hand me that magazine, will ya? With all the work I've been putting in, I haven't been keeping up with my mags. For all I know, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are having a three-eyed baby."
Rory cracked a tired smile, standing and bringing a magazine to her mother. Pulling her chair closer to Lorelei's bed, she read the whole thing out loud, laughing and wisecracking along with her mom as if everything was as it always had been.