Disclaimer: The only profit here is my own amusement, maybe yours, and relief from a plot bunny.
A/N: Told from Hermione's point of view. I basically thought this whole thing up while sitting in a hospital waiting for test results to find out if my brother needed surgery or not and discussing other visits to that particular hospital. If it seems strange and angsty to you, that's probably why.
Another quick note: I've gone through and edited all the chapters, so they're free of grammar and spelling mistaktes. If you do find a mistake, though, let me know and I'll fix it.
I don't want to be here.
The thought ran its way through my mind, circling my brain, as I sat on the Hogwarts Express; my stomach feeling like someone had dropped a hunk of metal in it then tied it in knots. But neither my thoughts nor emotions showed in my expression or posture. They never did anymore, unless I wanted them to. I was a master actress now.
I half wished I had someone to talk to. And I mean really talk to. Not about trivial things, like classes or how summer went or Quidditch. About the serious things in life…. But I know that if I talk to someone I'll hate myself for it later, even it if helps. Especially if it helps.
The notion was, however, still appealing. Just find some shoulder to lay my head on and cry, let everything flow out.
Maybe it wasn't metal in my stomach. Maybe it was the knowledge I held, and my brain couldn't stand the weight of it, so it sent it to my stomach.
I need more sleep.
But I can't sleep. If I sleep, the nightmares will come back. If I'm awake, at least they stay as thoughts.
Harry and Ron just keep talking. They don't know. No one knows.
And no one ever will.
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It felt like everyone was staring at me during dinner. Did they all know? Did they talk about it with their families during meals over the summer? Were they talking about it now?
I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was drowning. I was struggling against it, trying to make my way to the surface, arms flailing, feet kicking.
No one can help me with what goes on in my own mind.
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Birds chirped loudly.
I heard someone, probably Lavender, groan softly, the sound muffled. She probably had a pillow over her head, trying to block out the noise.
The birds didn't bother me. I've been awake for hours.
But I finally got fed up with laying there. I got up. Got dressed. Did the menial tasks I did every morning. Left my dorm. Left Gryffindor Tower.
It was early. Earlier than I had thought. The sun was barely above the trees. I could see it through the windows I passed.
I half wanted to stop and stare out at the grounds. Open the window, sit on the ledge. Maybe stand up and leap off...
I continued on towards the Great Hall for an early breakfast.
A/N: Any and all constructive criticism is welcome!