Brenda sat motionless in the police car, not daring to shut her eyes though the night air stung. The police jacket that had been wrapped around her itched and she was sure she wouldn't feel the cold without it, but removing the cumbersome cover required movement. Brenda would not move.
She kept her vision unfocused, yet in the periphery she could still see the turned-up patch of grass in the front yard. Her father and brothers had been playing baseball the previous day as Brenda and her mother sat on the other side of the yard, making crowns and necklaces from the wildflowers that littered the yard. While some would have purged the weeds, her mother preferred to let them grow, citing the wild held the truest beauty.
Brenda's oldest brother Steven was skilled with the bat as well as the glove, a sure starter for the junior varsity team in the upcoming season. The younger boy, Brad, was well on his way to following in his brother's footsteps. They played together with their father when Steven wasn't practicing with potential teammates, and even then, he quite often allowed a grateful Brad to join. On this particular practice session, Brad was at bat, digging his right foot into the grass to prepare his batting stance, turning the green to brown as a clump of dirt settled on top in the wake of his foot.
Brad was dead now. The dirt clump, still holding an impression of his shoe, remained. Brenda blinked and tried again to not think of the great loss she knew she had suffered. Many people were shuffling around her, and she could hear the murmurings about the "poor little girl", recognizing that they had to mean her.
Tina had come to Brenda that morning, before anyone in the house had begun to stir, promising in a whisper to make everything better. Brenda always felt safer with Tina near. The chaos of the night left the little girl unsettled, and though she knew not of the reasons, she was certain Tina was being restricted from comforting her at this moment.
Brenda's eyes shifted, barely registering the man speaking to her sister and Tina's anxious appeals in response. The man approached Brenda now, though her eyes conveyed no acknowledgment of his being there. With a few words, he dismissed the tense female cop who had planted herself next to the police cruiser and Brenda, while apprehensive about the new presence, was silently thankful when the woman moved away.
The man knelt in front of the young girl, asking questions she knew the answers to, but couldn't bring forth the proper words from the tangles of thoughts in her mind. Her silence seemed to disappoint the man and he began to draw back. Brenda concentrated harder, finding a word and surprising herself when it spilled from her lips in a voice she didn't know. "The buffalo." It made perfect sense to her, but Brenda, having raised her eyes to finally look at the man, saw confusion etched in his face as he returned to her level. She could offer no more and averted her eyes once again.
Brenda was aware of the cop's return to her post only by the overwhelming tension emanating from the woman that seeped through Brenda's body. She allowed her mind to drift as her eyes stared unseeing, searching for happier thoughts to relieve her fear on this dreadful night.
The memory of a warmer day presented itself and Brenda recalled her last time in the family pool, less than a month before. She, Brad, and Steven had been playing water basketball, Brad having hoisted Brenda onto his shoulders so that she may reach the goal. Tina rarely joined in these kinds of games, and instead lounged by the side of the pool, keeping a watchful eye on the little girl and calling out commands to be careful or watch it.
She was nearly to the point of smiling at this memory when reality flooded back in the form of a new woman standing before her. Brenda could sense her nervousness, but unlike the cop, the new woman's agitation didn't seem to stem from the drama that had unfolded earlier that night.
The woman spoke and Brenda suddenly found hew own eyes lifting toward the voice. "Hi. I'm—my name is Sara." The woman gave the girl a small smile. "We're going to take a little ride, okay?" Sara didn't sound sure of the idea herself, but Brenda obediently stood and shrugged out of the oversized jacket. Sara retrieved the article and handed it to the officer with a nod of thanks.
Brenda made a point to keep her eyes forward, though she could feel the eyes of the onlookers and even the police officers on her, as she followed Sara to a dark blue car. She waited for the door to be unlocked and moved forward as Sara opened the door, but was impeded by an outstretched hand. Brenda looked up questioningly, heard Sara mumble "Just let me—" as she proceeded to lift a stack of large brown envelopes from the seat and toss them into the floorboard. Room made for the little girl now, Sara helped Brenda into the car and fumbled with the safety belt. Her attempts to securely tighten it across the small body failed and she sighed, "It will have to do."
The car door slammed shut and Brenda peered out the window one last time at her home, unfamiliar now in the illumination of the flashing red and blue lights. She turned her head to find Sara looking back from the front seat. "You ready?" she inquired with raised eyebrows. Brenda responded by turning her eyes toward the other window, away from the house.
During the ride to the police station, Sara tried to coax the girl to speak, but questions about hunger and fatigue seemed to fall on deaf ears, and they allowed silence to consume the car. Brenda found the quiet to be soothing and was sorry when the drive ended shortly in a well-lit parking lot in front of a large building.
Inside the building, Brenda noticed the tranquil atmosphere the blue of the walls gave off as Sara led her through the hallways. Their movement stopped as a man greeted them, bending down to speak to the girl. "You must be Brenda." His voice was soft and the smile he offered tender. "We've got some crayons and stuff for you," he said, nodding toward the room on Brenda's right. The man rose, assuring Sara he would check on Social Services, and departed.
Brenda entered the room and took a seat at the table, glancing up to see Sara, who remained in the hallway, with her hand tucked under her chin in a thoughtful manner. Brenda picked out a few crayons from the pencil jar and began drawing her house, not as she last saw it, and not even as she would like to remember it, but as it truly was.
The picture formed on the police department stationary in the deliberate scrawls of a four-year old. Her father appeared in the top window, both Brenda and Tina with him as he exerted his force. Her brothers and mother each occupied a lower window, never having dared to question her father's will and aid the girls.
As Brenda finished the drawing, the man returned with apparently distressing news for Sara, who was now advancing towards the child's table. She lowered herself next to Brenda, taking in the picture and remarking, "That's very pretty." Frustration surged through the little girl as she realized her drawing did not properly convey the terrible acts committed in the house, and she scribbled through the picture in quick motions. Blocking out Sara's voice, Brenda let her anger overtake as she pushed the items off the table and covered her ears.
The two returned to the car and the brief drive led them to what Brenda realized was the hospital. Sara took Brenda's hand and they approached the doors, which slid open obligingly. They made their way to the appropriate office, taking the elevator up several floors. Sara relinquished Brenda's hand only when the pediatrician had hold of the other, guiding Brenda into the exam room.
The walls of the room were adorned with colorful murals depicting children in various acts of play. A boy and a girl were flying kites under a bright blue sky and just to the left, a group of children vied for the attentions of cheerful puppy dog. Every painting showed happy children, and though Brenda's memories held similar scenes, the memory of her father often cast a dark shadow, draining the joy from the thoughts.
The doctor lifted her onto the exam table and Brenda noticed the plastic bin of stuffed animals in the corner. Following her gaze, the doctor retrieved a fuzzy pink bear and handed it to her with a smile. "You should keep it."
Brenda kept the bear close as he performed the exam, hopping down from the table when he announced its conclusion. She placed her free hand in the doctor's and exited the room to find not one, but two women waiting. The adults conversed about the little girl, the second woman confirming to be from Family Services. As Brenda stared into nothing, the doctor left and the Family Services woman moved closer, placing an arm around the girl.
Sara now spoke to the woman in agitated tones, and Brenda realized the woman she had grown to feel safe with was being dismissed. As the women continued the discussion, she moved to Sara's side, gripping her shirt and tugging until Sara reached out to calm her. "It's okay, Brenda. I'm not leaving you," Sara promised while pulling Brenda closer.
The three each took a seat, to wait for a new doctor, Brenda was told. The little girl fixed her eyes on the floor, though she caught glimpses of Sara gazing at her intently every few minutes. It reminded her of the protective stare Tina would have locked on her whenever possible, and she wondered when Tina would be allowed to come to her, longing for contact with her sister.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the doctor, Dr. Wright as she announced, a young woman with her hair pulled back and dressed in the typical white coat. Sara spoke with Dr. Wright and then motioned for Brenda to go with the doctor, promising she would not be leaving.
Brenda hesitated, looking into Sara's eyes to discern the truth and when convinced, followed Dr. Wright. Instead of returning to the exam room, they entered a room that looked much like a play room, with toys for varying ages tucked away in corners and a table just Brenda's size in the center. The doctor instructed her to sit at the table, allowing her to choose between a set of dolls to play with or crayons to draw. Brenda set her bear aside and focused first on the dolls, and then opted to draw. All the while, the doctor asked questions, but the little girl remained silent.
By the time Dr. Wright declared the exam over, Brenda had exhausted the supply of drawing paper. They left the play room but did not return to the waiting area, as Brenda expected. Instead, she was led further into the hospital, into a room decorated much like the first exam room, only with a bed also. A nurse provided Brenda with a gown and helped her into the bed, handing her a small cup with a bitter tasting liquid purportedly to help her sleep. She clutched the bear to her chest, reluctant to let the medicine take hold of her as she stared at the ceiling, hoping Sara would come and alleviate her fears.
When Sara arrived a few minutes later, though in the company of the Family Services worker, Brenda immediately felt relief and drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep. She awoke some hours later to find the room empty and she panicked, kicking at the sheets but only further entrapping herself in the tangled cotton.
A nurse, different than before, entered the room to soothe the girl, but Brenda looked around her through the open door, searching for a familiar face. She relaxed against the pillows, relinquishing to the fact that Sara was indeed gone. The nurse left but returned momentarily with a tray, Brenda's breakfast, though it was closer to lunchtime. She nibbled on the toast and took a few small bites of scrambled eggs before pushing the tray away.
Brenda pulled her legs against her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and let her mind sift through memories as her eyes stared blankly. She remembered Halloween, and her pink Princess costume. Her father had asked what she wanted to be this year, and then promptly went to the expensive costume shop to have a dress custom-made just for Brenda. It was a beautiful satin pink, accented with silver sparkles in all the right places. He bought a small, glittering tiara to complete the outfit, calling Brenda his own little Princess. Tina took her trick-or-treating and afterwards, she tore the dress from her body, hiding it in the back of her closet along with the tiara. She did not wish to be that man's Princess.
She looked up as the door to her room opened again and the nurse reappeared, smiling gently and speaking in soft tones. "I'm going to take you for another exam now. Won't take long." The little girl made no response and the nurse helped her down from the bed.
The exam room was up one floor and clearly not for a child, decorated mostly in steel and white plastic. Brenda was grateful to find Sara waiting for her in the room and she approached the table without trepidation. Sara lifted her onto the table and picked up a camera, explaining, "This is a very special camera. It can see deep into your skin. It can see things nobody can see." Brenda was hesitant, lowering her eyes as Sara continued, "How 'bout, I take a picture of me first, okay?" Brenda watched as she raised her arm and snapped a picture. "See? It's okay," Sara murmured, displaying her arm and giving the child a wide grin.
Sara sat the camera down and reached around Brenda to loosen the ties of the gown. The girl said nothing as the gown was lowered and Sara tried to reassure her when their eyes met. Brenda felt the press of the plastic ruler on her chest as Sara prepared to take the shots. She crouched to just below Brenda's eye level, verified she was ready, and after she nodded assuredly, began taking pictures.
The process ended soon and Brenda returned to her room accompanied by the nurse. Sara had explained she would be back after the pictures were developed, and Brenda wondered how long she would be alone. She needed the safety and comfort of someone else.
Brenda climbed onto the bed and looked around the room, taking in the details for the first time. Disney characters in vibrant colors covered the walls, several children's books sat on the table next to the bed, a television sat on a mount attached to the wall, and two chairs for visitors she would not have framed the window. She remembered visiting Brad in a similar hospital room a year before. He had complained he was too old for a little kid's room, but he didn't seem to mind when his meals consisted solely of ice cream and Jell-O as he recovered.
She focused on the books and pulled the top one, a Dr. Seuss, into her lap. Brenda slowly flipped through the book, recognizing some of the smaller words but not bothering to sound out the others as her mother had been teaching her to do. They had read this book before, she suddenly recalled, during one of their nightly bedtime stories. Every night, her mother would sit on the floor, her back to Brenda's bed, and read a story. Brenda would lay on her stomach right above her mother's head to see the words and illustrations.
She closed the book slowly, though she was not halfway through it, and returned it to the table. She knew the books would only start the flow of more memories she would not have the mental strength to repress. Brenda reached for the television remote, pressing a button to turn the device on. She leisurely clicked through the channels and stopped on the first cartoon she found.
Brenda was unaware how long she allowed the mindless activity to fill her time before Sara appeared in the room, greeting her with a friendly "Hi." Brenda turned the television off and looked up at the older woman. "You don't have to stay in the hospital anymore," she declared, displaying a plastic bag containing Brenda's clothes. "Family Services will be here to pick you up soon. I'll wait with you," Sara offered, "if you want." Brenda nodded and took the bag to change.
Brenda, with her pink bear, and Sara navigated the hospital halls back to the waiting area and sat down. Brenda stared straight ahead at the wall, catching the idle movements of Sara's hands in her peripheral vision. When Sara reached over to lift her small hand into her own, Brenda glanced over, thanking her with a small smile.
The social worker arrived, introducing herself as Connie. Though she was the same woman from earlier, Brenda had not heard her name at the time. The little girl gripped Sara's hand tighter and took Connie's proffered hand with her other. Sara released her hand and rubbed her back encouragingly. "It's okay," she reassured. "Connie knows how to reach me if you need me." Sara looked at the other woman and she replied with a nod. Brenda silently agreed, walking away from Sara without looking back.
So much loss in such a short period of time had left its mark; Brenda would be the victim no more.