Title: The Bachelor Party
Author: WickedGame
Archive: and Anyone else, just ask.
Category: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Drunken bishounen, foul language, maybe some slight Relena bashing.
Spoilers: None
Notes: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own the song "Big Spender" by Peggy Lee, or the song "Going To The Chapel" by The Crystals. Betaed by FantasyOrReality. My beta asked me to also note that she suggests you do not eat or drink while reading this fic.
Heero Yuy watched Duo and Wufei race each other to down yet another tankard of beer in the crowded karaoke bar.
They had been here for two hours already, after a long ride in Quatre's limo. There had been a lot of joking about it not being pink, mostly by Duo.
The small crowd was yelling at the pair to chug the beer quickly. Duo slammed his mug down on the table, condensation still forming on its sides.
"You are so my bitch, Wuffy!" Duo yelled, thrusting a drunken fist into the air in triumph.
Wufei glared at Duo and quickly finished his beer with a flourish, "That's not fair. You have more practice relaxing your jaw!"
Everyone, Heero included, let out a loud guffaw at the bawdy insult. Duo just shrugged unapologetically and made a rude gesture with his middle finger.
They were here for Heero's bachelor party. It had been Quatre's bright idea to come to a karaoke bar to see how big of fools they could make of themselves while drunk as all hell. Heero was drunk all right, he could feel the warmth of it through his body, but his mind was still partly awake. Mission accomplished.
Duo was now running a swaying and stumbling victory lap around their large table at the side of the stage. Quatre ordered another couple of pitchers of beer and Heero signaled the waitress that he wanted a whiskey, neat.
"Ah, come on Heero! How about a nice fruity drink with a girly little pink umbrella?" Duo asked as he collapsed into his chair.
"Could we stop with the pink?" Heero whined slightly, his lack of soberness showing.
"Ah come on Heero, you know you love pink! How's about a song for us, huh? Come on, Mr. Death Glare! Grace us with one tiny little song?" Duo begged, getting down on his knees for emphasis.
"You look awfully comfortable in that spot, Duo!" Quatre laughed and then clapped a hand over his mouth.
"I think Quatre may have had a little too much to drink," Trowa laughed as he poured himself another beer.
"There's no blood in my alcohol system!" Quatre laughed hard and nearly fell over.
Everyone busted up laughing and Heero had to hold his side to keep it from hurting.
Duo got up and made his way to the stage.
"Oh, hell no! Maxwell is not going to get up there and sing!" Wufei yelled, running after Duo. Duo was perusing the songbook, and then he pointed out a song to Wufei. Wufei doubled over with laughter and left Duo alone, bowing gracefully as he walked away.
"What the heck is that baka up to?" Heero asked.
"He's crazy," Wufei stated as he sat down.
The announcer handed Duo a wireless microphone and then backed up to announce him, "Ladies and gents, tonight I have the distinct pleasure of saying that this man, Duo Maxwell, is going to sing for us tonight. He dedicates this to his best friend, Heero, who is getting married in a week".
Heero rolled his eyes and sat back. Duo was obviously going insane tonight to be doing this. Duo took the microphone and started to walk towards their group. He pushed Heero's chair out so that he was in the middle of the room, and this made Heero grimace. He did not like being the center of attention. A spotlight focused on them, and then the music started; a series of horn and percussion notes, followed by a single note on a triangle. The measure was repeated.
"The minute you walked in the joint".
A horn blast accompanied by a thrust from Duo's hips.
"I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender".
Some more horns, with Duo swaying his hips back and forth.
"Good looking, so refined. Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right to the point".
Toss of the hair that had come loose at some point.
"I don't pop my cork for every guy I see. Hey big spender! Spend a little time with me".
The guys were hooting and cat calling at Duo as he straddled Heero's lap during the repeats of the first measures of the song. Duo's hair was now completely liberated from its braid and he tossed it about during the impromptu lap dance. Duo's leather pants felt soft as a baby's bottom, and the lavender shirt left little to the imagination. Duo stood back up to sing once again.
"Do you wanna have fun, fun, fun? How's about a few laughs, laughs!"
Duo sat down backwards on Heero's lap and made a show of grinding into it.
"I could show you a good time! I could show you a good time!"
Duo stood on their table and the guys made room for his black boots by clearing their drinks. Duo pointed at Heero as he sang the next lyrics.
"The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender".
Duo repeated the pelvic thrust he had given at the beginning of the song, and Heero stared appreciatively at his crotch.
"Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right to the point".
Duo ran his hand down his body and stopped at the waistband of his leather pants.
"I don't pop my cork for every guy I see".
Duo tossed his hair and danced through the next words.
"Hey big spender! Hey big spender! Hey big spender"
Duo leapt down and lounged across Heero's lap.
"Spend a little time with meeeeeeee".
The place erupted in applause and wolf whistles as Duo returned the microphone to a flustered announcer. Duo bowed, gracious as always, and returned to his seat and a screwdriver Trowa had ordered for him.
"Betcha Relena never danced for you," Duo laughed.
"Well, I guess it's a good thing it's you that I'm marrying huh?" Heero told his fiancée as he leaned in for a kiss.
"A very good thing," Duo murmured as they kissed. Heero smirked as he leaned back into his chair.
"Besides Duo, tomorrow it's your turn, so don't think I will let you off easy".
"No way, Jose! Duo is gonna get it just as bad. And poor Hilde will be the butt of the jokes tomorrow night!" Quatre laughed loudly and a few faces turned to look at him.
"Okay, okay. I think it is time we head back to Quatre's. We can drink in peace and make general fools of ourselves without half of the United Earth Sphere staring at us," Trowa reasoned. Quatre whipped out a card to pay the bill and they made to leave. Duo was having a hard time walking, so Heero threw Duo over his shoulder and carried the former Deathscythe pilot out of the bar.
"I love you 'Ro. Gonna marry you," Duo slurred.
"Love you too baka. How about another song?" Heero was only partially joking. After all, a singing Duo is a happy Duo!
"Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Going to the chapel and we're gonna get mar-ar-ar-ried!"
Heero slapped Duo's rump and practically tossed him in the limo. Duo was still singing, and the others were laughing hysterically.
"Gee I really love you and we're gonna get married. Goin' to the chapel of love!"
- The End -