February 21, 2004
My assignment is to write a minimum of one page about my relationship with Janet Fraiser. Like I said at her memorial service, words can't even begin to describe her, so I'm not going to try.
Why is it that every time I think about her I start crying? I don't cry…ever. But I guess things change when death is involved. I know Daniel is beating himself up about it, and I'm really sorry that he is…I just, I don't know if I can be the one who reaches out to him. Maybe Teal'c will do that for him…I just don't think I'm strong enough.
Besides, I have to deal with Cassie. No kid should have to lose two mothers in one lifetime. I sometimes wonder if I should have adopted her…now, where the hell did that come from? I guess, I just wonder if I made the right decision.
I'm sure you're enjoying my psychoanalysis…it sure has a lot of twists, doesn't it, Doctor?
Anyway, back to the present, Cassie is going back to college in another week. I honestly wouldn't blame her if she withdrew this semester and went back after a nice, long sabbatical, but she insists that normalcy is the best thing for her, and that the only way she's going to get back to a routine is if she goes back to school.
Colonel O'Neill agreed with her.
I guess I just don't know what to do with myself without someone to take care of. I mean, I can't keep breaking down like I did with the Colonel and then Teal'c…
Now, there's a topic that I'm not even going to begin to discuss in therapy…don't you dare tell anyone. I'll claim doctor-patient confidentiality!
Colonel O'Neill…as if I didn't have enough to worry about…now, I decide that I'm in love with…am a very good friend of my commanding officer. Man, I'm really messed up when it comes to relationships…Jonas Hansen, a certifiable nut case who nearly killed my…commanding officer, Narim- kind of freaky with that 'I love you' gadget he rigged up, Martouf and Lantesh- now that wasn't my fault! He was in love with Jolinar and then, she transferred her feelings for him to me…and the rest is history, then Pete.
Okay, he deserves a page of his own. Is it really that pathetic that I'm seriously dating a guy that my brother set me up with? I mean, who really tells everyone they meet that they were set up by her brother and his best friend?
Well, I already mentioned the Colonel, and now, I'm at a total loss of what to write next…
I really hope Dr. MacKenzie doesn't read this…it could be awkward and very, very compromising.