So, the key to my "cure" is how I feel about Colonel O'Neill…
Great…if this isn't grounds for court martial, I don't know what is. Not that we have…I have ever acted on these feelings before.
Okay, I should probably not say that, but I was under an alien influence at the time. The Virus of the Touched.
"I want you…Don't you want me?"That sends shivers up my spine every time I just happen to remember it. Actually, I've had a recurring dream/nightmare ever since that…incident. I've dreamed that when I attacked Colonel O'Neill, he stabbed me. Then, he proceeded to explore my mouth with his tongue…
This isn't doing anyone any good except rehashing old wounds.
Come on, Carter…buck up. It's just a journal!
It's more of a journal than I've ever kept up before, with more secrets and desires than I've ever experienced before.
AGH!
After I got out of my last session with Dr. MacKenzie, I went to my barracks to cry. He found me there. I don't know how, but he knew I needed him. That's why I love him. Because even before I realize that I need him, he's there.
It's two o' clock in the morning. I should be asleep, and I could be- if I took those sedatives. The only problem is that I don't want to sleep. I'm all by myself, and I know that sounds stupid coming from an Air Force Major with level three hand-to-hand combat experience, but if I'm drugged, who'll stop them?
The 'them' that I'm referring to are the NID operatives who would love- no, they'd kill- to have me as a test subject. I'm no idiot. I know that ever since Jolinar, the NID have been trying to get a hold of me- to experiment on me.
I just wish…
I'll leave that sentence unfinished in here, for fear that this journal will someday be used against me in a court martial…but I'll leave that sentence imprinted on my heart. The whole sentence.