By a special request, Roger the bear is back in the story :)
Chapter 7
"Never mind. Merry Christmas," she said quietly. Her cell phone felt so heavy as she put it down on the nightstand. She leaned back on the pillows with a sigh. What were you thinking, she scolded herself. Only thinking about what she was about to tell him made her feel like a complete fool. So she missed him. What's the big deal? They spent a lot of time together in the passing few days, it was only natural that she did.
But it was more than that. Much more. After Libby fell asleep that night she just sat in bed, staring absent-mindedly at the TV screen. She couldn't stop thinking about him, about them. She was about to leave the week after New Years. And it suddenly dawned on her that they'd have only two more weeks to spend together. Realizing it hurt, more than she thought it would. It was more than saying goodbye to an old friend because it was clear to her that Mark was much more than that. And this got her to a much scarier realization. She didn't want to be 'just friends.' She wanted to be with him.
She was so confused because she had no idea how he felt about all this. Sure, she had a pretty good guess from two nights ago, and the night before, but it could have been only in her head, because she wanted to believe it.
She was realistic though. There was no way she could just break this to him, not after everything she put him through. She really wasn't good enough for him. And even if he did feel the same, he lived too far away. She never believed in long distance relationships. Sure, he got along with Libby really well, but still. It would never work. He would never leave New York. He belonged there. His soul belonged there. And she could never leave San Francisco. It was just never meant to be.
Once Christmas was over, she went back to the familiar routine of staff meetings and spending long hours in the office. It actually helped. She didn't have time to think about the mess her life became in the passing couple of days. She was absorbed in her work, in the need to stay focused and alert, and it kept her well occupied, but most importantly, well distracted. She hardly had time to spend with Libby, which made her kind of upset, but she managed to get four days off before their flight back to San Francisco. Whenever work got too stressful, it was enough in the thinking of those four days to keep her smiling for the rest of the day.
Mark hadn't called for couple of days, but she was actually okay with it. She had to stay away from him for a while. She needed to think it through. Finally, one afternoon, he called and asked her and Libby for a New Year dinner in his apartment. They didn't have other plans, and she thought it could be fun. Libby really wanted to see him again too, and how could she possibly refuse her little girl?
Her jaw nearly dropped when he gave her directions. She knew New York like the palm of her hand, and the area he had just described was pretty good. Pretty damn good actually. No more a shabby loft near the Tent City. He lived in a beautiful apartment building. It was 4 stories high, and the forth floor, where she knew he lived, seemed to be the biggest. Libby seemed impressed by the building as well.
"He lives here?" she asked in amazement as they were looking at the building from the outside.
"Seems so. Wanna go check it out?" Libby nodded and they entered the building. A nice middle-aged doorman opened the door for them. Mark had probably told him before he was expecting them, for he didn't ask questions as for who they were, he just smiled politely and lead them to the elevator. It got them straight to Mark's apartment, which made her realize that he probably had the whole floor for himself. Wow.
"Hello? Anyone home?" she called as they stepped out of the elevator and into the apartment. Libby was soon to follow.
"Hey, I'll be right with you guys!" Mark's voice called back from one of the rooms down the hall.
She took this opportunity to look around. He said he lived there for couple of months, but it definitely looked as if he had moved in last week. There were boxes everywhere. The living room area, where they were standing at the moment, looked as big as their entire apartment in San Francisco. It opened to a porch, but the sliding door that led to it was closed as if to keep the cold outside. There was only one picture on the wall, above the TV. She knew it, she realized. He took it years ago, from the roof of the loft. He used to go up there each morning for almost two months, trying to capture the perfect sunrise. He said he had always wanted to do that, and no place was better for it than the roof. The day he had finally caught it was the day April killed herself.
Mark joined them as she helped Libby out of her coat. "Hey, found it alright?" he asked smiling, kissing her cheek and picking Libby up once she was coat-free. She giggled as he kissed her cheek as well.
"Yeah, no problem. Beautiful place you've got here, Mark. I like the… uh… ready to run away style," she said, looking at the boxes all over the floor.
He laughed. "Oh this? It was worse; I actually started unpacking when I got back from Scarsdale. Not enough time."
"There's never enough time."
"I don't even use all the rooms in this place. I swear, I've got at least three spare rooms. How many closets a guy needs?"
"You'll be amazed."
"Oh, yeah. For a second I forgot with whom I was talking," he said, rolling her eyes.
Libby, who was still in Mark's arms, was pulling the collar of his shirt. He looked at her smiling. "What is it, Libby?"
"Roger didn't get a kiss," she stated, dead serious.
He just looked at her dumbfounded, but definitely amused. "I'm sorry, who?"
"Roger!" she said, holding her teddy bear in front of her for him to see.
"Oh! His name's Roger, huh? That's a very cool name. Was it your mom's idea?" he asked, glaring at her, but with a clear spark of humor in his eyes.
"No, this is his name!"
"Okay."
"Come on, Marky, give Roger a kiss," she said teasingly, and Libby nodded her agreement. He frowned at her slightly, but then smiled at Libby and gave the bear a quick kiss on his forehead.
"There. Is he happy now?"
"Very!" said Libby with a huge smile as Mark put her down.
"I hope you're hungry," he said. It was then when she realized that something smelled really good. Did he cook? She must have had that look, because he gave her a look and said, "Yes, I know how to cook, I learned the hard way."
"What, I didn't say anything!" she laughed defensively. "Well, as long as it's not some weird, Polish food-"
"Oh, aren't you a sweetheart," he shot back. She shrugged. One Friday dinner at the Cohen residence was enough. "Will pasta and meatballs do?"
She smiled. "That's Libby's favorite. Isn't it, Munchkin?" Libby nodded. "But I'm the master of pasta and meatballs, Mark, you have no chance against me."
"We'll have to see about that someday, right?" he said, leading them to the other end of the living room, where a small table was already set for three.
It turned out that he was almost as good as her in making pasta. Libby confirmed it, but she admitted with a shy smile that mommy made it better. Sure, she was flattered by her daughter's loyalty to her cooking, but she was too unfocused to get really excited by that. She looked at Mark attentively whenever he didn't notice. He was so amazing with Libby. They laughed and talked as if he had known her all her life, and she obviously adored him. And he could cook. But then she reminded herself to go back to reality. It was never meant to be.
After dinner, they moved back to the couch and turned the TV on, waiting for the live broadcast from Times Square. It was pretty late for Libby, but she stated she wanted to wait for the countdown at midnight. It was three hours away. Mark brought an ancient Monopoly game he brought with him from Scarsdale, and they passed the next couple of hours playing, she and Libby against him. He was losing miserably, but they didn't really care. It was fun. They had cookies for desert, along with milk for Libby, and champagne for the two of them, that he suddenly brought out of nowhere. She didn't object. It was New Year, after all.
At one point, Libby had lost interest at their game, and it was down to the two of them. It was not long afterwards when they turned their head to see her fast asleep, curling on the armchair Mark was leaning against, clutching her teddy bear. Mark smiled as he turned to look at her, and gently brushed the curls from her face. She sat across from them and smiled fondly at the picture they made. He turned from Libby to her, and smiled.
"Wanna go outside?" he whispered, motioning the porch. She nodded, and helped him to move Libby to the couch so she'd be more comfortable. After putting the TV on mute and slipping into their coats, they went outside.
It was eleven thirty. The air was cold but it didn't snow. The starts were sparkling brightly in the cloudless sky. She looked down. In the daylight he might have had a great view to the park from here, she thought. His neighbors were having a party. The sounds of loud music and people's voices were clearly heard against the silence of the night.
"So. New Year resolutions?" asked Mark, leaning on the banister.
She sighed. The answer to this question seemed to be more complicated with each passing year. "Just to be better, I guess. And happier. To be a good mother." Then something occurred to her and she turned to look at him seriously. "There's another thing, but I kind of need your help for it."
He looked at her curiously. "What is it?"
"I realized… that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye," she said quietly. She didn't say their names, but by the look in his eyes she knew he understood. She needed to see them. "Will you take me there, before I'll go home?"
He seemed moved by her request. Then he slowly nodded. "Of course."
"I wish I was here to do this earlier," she whispered, looking away. Tears were stinging in the corners of her eyes, but she couldn't cry. She didn't want to. It was just that she missed them so much. She remembered that New Year eleven years ago when everything was still okay. That New Year when they still had Angel. She should have stayed, she scorned herself. She shouldn't have run away.
"Hey…" he murmured, moving closer and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "Stop this. It's in the past. You did what you thought was right."
"How is it that whenever I feel something is right, it's not?" She didn't even realize she was feeling that until the question was out in the open.
"Libby was right."
He did it again. It was just the right thing to say. She smiled. "You are absolutely amazing, do you know that?"
He smiled sheepishly, obviously remembering that conversation from the week before. "I didn't do anything."
"Yeah you did. Probably more than you'll even realize," she said, laying her head on his shoulder. He didn't try to back away. It felt right. "I'll really miss you when we'll go back."
"I'll miss you too. I'll miss both of you actually. You'll have to tell me when is Libby's birthday exactly so I'll know when to send her something. She'll be five, right?"
"Yeah. On February 4th." She felt him tense, and raised her head from his shoulder. He looked stunned, slightly pale even. What did she say? "What?"
He seemed to have hard time answering this. "February 4th, almost five years ago… is exactly the day Collins passed away," his voice wasn't higher than a whisper.
She just stared at him as this new information slowly sank in. She instantly realized what he was thinking. It was an amazing coincidence, if you believed in it. Somehow, she knew she just had to believe. A leap of faith…
She was about to say something when the loud voices from the party downstairs became impossibly louder. This meant only one thing. It was almost midnight.
"10-9-8-7…" the people downstairs yelled the seconds drunkenly. They looked at one another, amused. "…3-2-1- HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
Amazing fireworks exploded over the City that never slept, mingling above with the starlight. The music downstairs resumed, louder than before. People were singing and laughing and greeting each other. She turned her gaze from the fireworks to Mark and caught him looking at her. He smiled and moved closer.
"Happy new year," he whispered before he leaned down to kiss her. It was hardly a real kiss; his lips had hardly even touched hers, but for a moment, she felt like the fireworks were exploding inside her head, not in the sky.
Pretty soon afterwards he pulled away, but he was still standing close to her. She opened her eyes to meet his gaze. By what she had seen in his eyes, she knew that he felt that too. Slowly, hesitantly, she raised her hand to touch his face. She tracked her finger along his cheek, and he followed her with his eyes as if hypnotized.
Before she knew it, they were kissing again. She wasn't even sure who started it that time. She didn't care. It answered all her questions. There was no one to barge in on them, no doubts, no hesitations. Just him and her and the moonlight. His arms tightened around her as their kiss deepened. It became more passionate and urgent with each passing second. She struggled to take off his coat, her coat, whatever. He laughed into the kiss when he realized what she was trying to do. He pulled away reluctantly.
"We need to talk about this," he said, breathing heavily, but didn't sound as if he meant it. It was more as if it just had to be said.
"Do we?" she asked seriously. Their gazes locked. There laid her answer. The ultimate truth. They didn't.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked quietly.
"I told you I wanted to do something right with my life for a change. Maybe this is it," she touched his lower lip gently before she pulled his head down for another kiss. He put his hands on both sides of her face, deepening the kiss, but then quickly pulled away. She looked at him breathless and slightly confused. Why did he stop? Did he realize this was wrong? For a second she believed that he did and felt like the biggest idiot in the world, but soon realized her mistake when he smiled and took her hand. No word had passed between them that night as he led her back inside the apartment and down the dark hall.
A/N- so, at first I wanted Libby's birthday to be February 8th, which is my birthday, but then I remembered that Jonathan Larson's birthday was supposed to be on the forth, and since there would have been no Mark and Maureen without him, I thought it would be more appropriate. Hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are most welcome :)