Disclaimer: I don't own Higher Ground or any of its original characters. I do own Carla.
AN: I'm sorry if my last AN sounded a bit angry, I'd had a bad day (isn't that just the best excuse ever?). I might be a bit confusing every now and then; bits and pieces of this story are already in my head, but connecting them is harder than I thought.
Queen of Shadows: Thank you so much! I admire your work and I can't describe with words how much your praise means to me. The idea of a beta-reader is basically a good one, but I'm not a native speaker and I don't know any native speakers of English, most people I know think I'm crazy for voluntarily writing something in English anyway; so I'm not seeing a beta-reader in my near future.
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All of the Cliffhangers went off to dinner soon, together with Peter and Sophie. But Carla wasn't hungry. Talks like this always left her feeling spent, beaten. She avoided them as much as possible. You should have done that here, too, stupid! Why didn't you? WHY? God, I'm already talking to myself! That's what emotional stress will do to you…right, remembering some psychatrist's teachings won't help me, either. I'm kidding myself, of course. It was Daisy, no doubt about that. Her seriousness, her interest, the fact that she recognized my evasive tactics for what they are… I felt I had no choice but being honest. Still, you could have told her you didn't want to talk about it – stop! Damnit, stop this useless musings! No use crying over spilt milk and all that. Now, go into the woods, look at the beautiful nature and RELAX! If you're already worked up like that, how will you ever survive the next weeks?
Following her own advice, Carla took a walk. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny with just a light breeze. As she concentrated on her surroundings, her worries and her anxiety started to become background noise; they were still there, but distant, barely noticeable. She let the sounds of nature flood into her mind, once again marvelling at the way everything seemed to harmonize. The harmony of birds singing, leafs rustling in the wind and all the other sounds of a forest was something a good componist may reach, but not surpass in his works. But no, it's not just the sounds. Never underestimate the influence smells have on your perception of your surroundings. Wood, flowers, mushrooms…she sniffed…even decay. Yet it all belongs together. Not to forget the visual image, of course. A forest would be much less than it is without it's colours. She smiled. Enjoy it as much as you can, girl, soon you'll be back in the desert…
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When Carla reached Sophie's cabin again, the door was still locked. So she took the key from the spot Carla had showed her in the morning and went in. Remember talking to her when she gets back! But first, you need a shower, you stink.
She took a very long shower, the water turned to the hottest she could endure. As the steam in the bathroom got thicker and started to swallow her up, she felt comforted, like she always did in a hot shower. She didn't know why she felt like that; if you looked at it rationally, a shower isn't safer than most other places. But this reaction was a fact, and she used it. When she finally felt she should get out of the shower, she turned the water cold. After all, her mother had always told her that this would strengthen her immune system. While she towelled herself and enjoyed the feeling of warmth coming back to her skin, she heard the front door being opened. Sophie was coming. Carla quickly dressed in some casual clothes and left the bathroom.
"Hi Sophie. I'm afraid I just doubled your water consumption for this month. Just send me the bill." Carla said in a joking tone.
Sophie rolled her eyes. "Sure. As long as you opened that door, you can pay all my other bills, too." The deadpan manner she delivered that sentence with made Carla chuckle. But then Sophie said something that instantly brought back her seriousness. "Carla, we need to talk."
"I don't think we need to talk, but I understand and will honor your wish to talk with me about whatever you want to talk about. But maybe we should go sit down instead of standing here in the hallway?" On that, they went into the living room and made themselves as comfortable as possible on the sofa.
Sophie started. "You and Peter. Were you a couple?"
"What did he tell you?" I'm not stalling. I'm merely asking…as a point of information. Yes, that's it.
"I didn't ask him yet." That got her a raised eyebrow from Carla and: "I won't ask why." At least not right now. "I guess I could tell you that it's none of your business, but yes, you could say we were a couple."
"I thought so." Sophie gave the impression of not knowing what else to say, so Carla added: "And now, you are together with him." Sophie's face betrayed pain, uncertainty. Noticing that, Carla continued: "But there are problems between the two of you?"
Tentatively, Sophie began: "I was just wondering…" her voice faded, not sure if she should really say this. Carla decided to make it a bit easier on her. "You were wondering if I had ideas to…revive the past?" she said with a slight grin. "I saw your reaction when Peter told you that we knew each other back then."
A slight blush came to Sophie's face, showing her emberassment. "I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I also get jealous fast… So I take it you're not going to revive the past?"
"I have no intention whatsoever of doing that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I take it your relationship is pretty serious?" As Sophie didn't comment, she continued. "More serious than what I had with him." There was a certain finality in her voice, as if what she had just said was a law of nature, nothing to be doubted.
Sophie looked at her in surprise. "How can you be so sure about that?"
"Back then, we lived in the present, without a past or a future. We never talked about what we did before we met. We never made any plans. There was never undying, I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love between us. We could never have lived a normal life together. You on the other hand; I got the impression that you have a future together." She looked at Sophie, waiting for a confirmation of what she had just said.
But Sophie still had other things on her mind. "What makes you say that you couldn't have led a normal life with Peter?"
Carla sighed. "I'm not an easy person to live with, period. I need my personal space, and a lot of it. I don't know if you can understand that, but every time I had vanished for a few days and he asked where I had been, every time I had been absent-minded and he asked what I had been thinking; every time something like that happened, I would hate him for asking, for intruding. I could also tell that he hated me for telling him to mind his own business, for asking him to give me some space. He didn't understand. Had we ever really tried to have a long-term relationship, it would probably have ended in a disaster." She shrugged. That's in the past. "But you didn't answer my question. Do you have plans for the future?"
Sophie had started fidgeting uneasily. She wasn't sure what to say. When in doubt, try the truth… "He…" Was she really going to say that? Yes, she was. "He asked me to…marry him."
Carla sensed there was more to that, so she waited for Sophie to go on. Both of them were silent for a while. "I – told him no. But when he asked me no, period or just not now, I told him just not now."
"So the next move is on you. I certainly don't envy you for that. It's also why you didn't ask him, but me, right?" Sophie nodded. "I hope you don't mind my asking; but, you and Peter, it feels so…right. What's the problem? Fear of commitment?"
Anger flashed in Sophie's eyes, but she tried to stay calm. "That's none of your business!"
Carla nodded. "It's none of my business, alright." These words, in a calm voice, reminded Sophie of the beginning of their talk. I could tell you that it's none of your business, Carla had said. But still she had answered. Maybe she owed her to answer now, too? Meanwhile, Carla spoke again. "If you're telling me to drop the issue, I will, of course. I won't ask again."
That caught Sophie by surprise. She had expected Carla to be pushy. Apparently, the surprise had registered in her face, because Carla answered her unasked question. "I don't like being pushed to answer questions I don't want to answer. Personal space, remember? So I try not to push others, either. Sometimes I forget, but I try."
Sophie pondered that for a moment. Maybe it was a good idea to tell Carla? She had to tell Peter sooner or later, maybe saying it would become easier when she said it more often? "Can you promise me not to tell anyone what I'm going to tell you? Especially not Peter."
Carla nodded solemnly. "Just between you and me."
"I would have to tell him… and then he wouldn't want me anymore…" Sophie hesitated.
Carla was about to ask Tell him what, when it suddenly struck her. She thought back to this afternoon, a familiar pain tugging at her heart. Fertility. She flinched when Daisy said fertility. Could it be that? In a soft voice, she said: "You can't have children. Is it that?" Shit. You could have been a bit more sensitive.
Sophie gasped in shock. "How did you… how…" But then she remembered the tarot session and didn't need an answer anymore. She tried not to show her pain when she said, "You can't understand. You can have children."
Sophie's words cut into Carla's heart like a chainsaw. She felt her teeth clench as she remembered Robin's birth, her blood everywhere, and then the doctor telling her… No, Stop! Don't go there, don't remember that…. STOP! DON'T … REMEMBER …THAT!
Sophie and Carla were both lost in their very own worlds of pain, that were so similar but put them miles apart in that moment. Both of them were completely oblivious to what the other one was feeling. Sophie was the first to snap out of it. In the past few weeks she had felt this pain so often and although it wasn't any easier to bear, she now managed not to completely lose herself, not to be as swallowed up as Carla was.
Sophie looked at Carla, curious, because she had expected her to say something. What she saw surprised her. Every muscle of her body tense, her jaws clenched, her face looking withdrawn, Carla seemed to be oblivious to her surroundings. "Carla?" She didn't react, so Sophie touched her hand.
The touch sent her jumping up and stumbling backwards. She looked around as if seeing the room for the first time. She remembered the conversation they just had and allowed her body to relax; only now noticing how tense she had been. You can't let yourself slip away like that! Try to exercise some self-control, will you? "I'm sorry, Sophie, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know it must be terrible for you…" At least my voice didn't shake…
Sophie was still mystified by Carla's behaviour. "What did I just miss? You do have a son."
"Yes, I do. And I'll be eternally grateful for having him. But when I… when Robin was born… I had to have a caesarean and…. And something went wrong, apparently…. I had to have a hysterectomy immediately after…. I don't pretend to know how it's for you, but it's not exactly a day on the beach for me either. Most of the time, I allow myself to forget about it…so, when something reminds me, it tends to blow me off my feet." The last part came out rather matter-of-factly.
Sophie opened and closed her mouth a few times, not sure how to say this. "I'm sorry. I…I guess I'm stupid, but I really had the thought, that because I can't have children, he would take you over me…"
"And now you're relieved?" In the embarrassed silence that followed, something suddenly jumped into Carla's lap. "Huh, little one, are you always so fast to trust people?", she said to the cat that lay on her legs, curled into a ball of fur and purred softly.
"Usually, Lizzy is careful around strangers. She must really like you. About what you said…that you mostly forget about it…you know, that's not healthy."
"I know. But most of the time, I don't react as strongly as today. Mostly, I try to see the positive things, try to be grateful for having Robin." A sigh. "If Peter would really run from commitment, when you told him, he's not worth your love and all your worries. But I don't think he'd do that. He'd be a fool to let you slip through his fingers."
"You really think so?" Carla nodded, a lazy smile on her face that looked like she was in peace with herself and the world. I wonder how that works. Stroking a cat always lightens my mood so much, it's incredible. Aw, crap, you're just being moody and searching for excuses, that's what's incredible.
"But I don't know how I'm gonna tell him." Sophie's face showed a worried frown.
"That's hard, I know. But the sooner the better, I guess. You worry less, then."
The change in atmosphere that had taken place was hard to believe. At the beginning of their talk, the two women had been antagonists more than anything else. Now, both of them were fairly relaxed and giving advice to each other. If only everything in life could be resolved by an hour of talking….