Don't Panic -Chapter 5
"Why are you going to Philly?" Logan asked between kisses. I squirmed slightly. After Jess came to visit things shifted between us. I tried to tell myself our fight was just that, a fight. But it wasn't. It was a revelation. Logan and I hardly knew anything about each other. And I didn't want to get to know him. I didn't care what books he read or how he felt about the South Park guys' views on voting. I didn't care; long as he continued to allow me to pretend the rest of the world didn't exist.
Every time I was with him I was someone else. I loved it at first. It was a complete escape from Stars Hollow and the mistakes I'd made. I was Rory Gilmore, Emily and Richard's socialite granddaughter or R-Something, Logan's girlfriend, (Can you believe it… she's his girlfriend.) Not Rory Gilmore Stars Hollow's former princess. Not part of Lorelai&Lorelai Co. I was someone completely different. That's what happens when you grow up; you change. At least that's what I told myself as he started to take my shirt off.
"To visit a friend." I said not wanting to go through with what he was starting. He pulled back, and looked at me quizzically.
"Who do you know in Philly?" This frustrated me a little.
"I knew people before I met you OK?" I snapped and adjusted my shirt a little. Making it clear that nothing was going to be happening tonight.
"No need to get snappy, I was just curious." His voice softened and his hand inched his way back to my waist. I wasn't budging. Something inside me started to gnaw at my stomach and made my mouth go dry. I liked my lips slightly before I spoke.
"I'm going to spend the week with Jess. Seeing as our last attempt at catching up was ruined." There was no emotion in any of my words. It scared me how calm I sounded. It scared me how badly he took it.
"The week? A week? Why not a day trip or weekend? I could take you to Philly tonight if you wanted." He stammered. "Just say the word and we'll go."
"I don't want that. I'm only going to Philly to see Jess."
"You know Rory I read that book – the one he wrote. I saw those extra copies lying in your room that night we went to see Harry Potter, I took one. He doesn't love you anymore. That was him purging himself of you. Virginal Princess of Literacy? Come on now, not only is that completly lame and off the mark with you. It sounds pretty spiteful to me.
She loved me; I loved that she loved me.
He didn't love you. He was playing you. You're going to go spend a week with a guy who feels that way about you? Are you crazy? We could go tonight and I garuntee it would be more fun."
It was all wrong. All wrong. Logan didn't even know Jess. He didn't know what the apology meant. He didn't know Jess was calling me a more than three times every week. He didn't know him. He didn't know that Jess loved me.
"God Logan - I'm not going because it will be 'fun.' It's a lot more complicated then that." I stood up and tugged my shirt down again. I suddenly felt very dirty. "And he did love me."
But to be honest, I didn't know either until I read the book. I wasn't sure that Jess loved me until I read how much he hated me. How much he hated that he wanted me to be the one to save him. How desperately he wanted me to fix him. How discovered that too late. He only spent about five pages on me total. A snide remark here, there, in between talk about Stars Hollow the only innocent place left in the United States. He wrote about it with sarcastic disdain. He was gifted; you could tell that through all his often humorously cynical describtions of Stars Hollow - he really did have a soft spot for the place.
"Rory he didn't write about you like that. He didn't love you. He was laughing at you. He wanted to hurt you." He grabbed for my hand, I pulled it away.
Jess wrote about me with resentment. I hurt him. I got far enough past the Jess shield of sarcasm to render him vulnerable. I managed to get far enough into his heart, mind and soul that when I said "no", I hurt him. I was so sure I was the only one hurting. That he left me and was able to move on. That he was happy and I was scared. That while I pretended to be OK and to have forgotten he had already done so.
I'd be lying if I said that didn't satisfy the beast in the pit of my stomach. Knowing I hurt him. Vengeance was sweet. I never discussed the parts of the book about me on the phone. I skimmed over it. I listened as he would inhale sharply and wrack his brain for explanations and sarcastic retorts. I would smile sadly knowing that eventually I was going to have to stop toying with him. Eventually we were going to have to stop playing games and figure things out.
"Rory; he hated you. You were a game." He repeated.
"Dammit Logan! you've never even met him, you have no idea what you're talking about!" I was tired of this. This constant walking on eggshells with Logan. When we weren't fighting we were having sex.
There wasn't anything worth holding on to anymore. Was this how things would have turned out with Jess and me? Would our passion turn into hate? Or did we just start with hate? Were we progressing to love? God, what the hell were Jess and I?
"I met him." He tried.
"Oh it was a crap meeting and you know it." I swung my arm in attempts to hit him. Smack him. Something.
"What else is there to know Rory? You were high school-"
"Don't say it Logan. Jess and I were hardly what you would constitute 'sweethearts.'"
"Fuck buddies?"
"Oh. My. God. Logan. That. I don't even have words." I tried to quell that feeling that came up when thoughts of Jess and sex combined. This was a completly inappropriate time for the mental undressing of him I was doing in my head. The practice of imagining Jess naked and the things I could do to Naked Jess had become more frequent with his phone calls. I, of course wondered if he had similar thoughts about me. I, of course was hoping he did.
"The practice isn't that uncommon, you've seen American Pie, you watch 20/20 and Dateline. Teenagers do it all the time. You could have been Chilton good girl by day-"
"Shut up Logan, I don't want to deal with you right now." I rubbed my temple. The conversation I was having with myself in my head was one I was avoiding with Jess. Did he still hate me? Did I still hate him? Was our passion fueled by love or hate? Both? Does the past really matter? If I hated him then, could I love him now?
"Rory," he was softening his voice again. It wasn't helping. It just seemed to agitate me further. He was patronizing me. "I love you, just let me take you to Philly. You don't need to prove yourself to him after all of these years."
"That's what you think I'm doing?" I asked flabbergasted. Of course he wasn't entirely wrong. I was partly doing it to prove myself. I was constantly proving myself to Jess. It wasn't exactly a discret thing.
She kissed me back to prove herself to me. To prove that she could play the same game. To prove that we were equals. To prove me wrong.
He was right. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted to prove to him that we were equals. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn't perfect. I wanted to prove to him that I could save him. I wanted to prove to him that he couldn't corrupt me. I wanted to prove to him I could corrupt myself.
But that was then. Now I wanted answers. I wanted closure. I wanted an open door. An open ending. I wanted a beginning. I wanted to be able to admit that I still had feelings for him. I wanted to get away. I wanted him. Naked. I wanted him to give me a reason to shake all these fantasies so I could get on with my life.
"He may of loved you at some point," he sighed, conceding. "But Rory, that clearly isn't the case anymore. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to keep you from getting hurt.
I grabbed my purse off the table, "I don't need you to protect me." I said heading for the door. "And you know, it's funny how easily love turns into hate isn't Logan?"
With that I got up and left the apartment. When he called the next day, I didn't pick up.
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