Don't Panic - Chapter 7
We didn't say much the rest of night and stayed a safe distance of four feet and a piece of furniture apart at all times. He turned on a movie and we both pretended to watch it while wondering how this week was going to go. Was it going to be a week? Would I leave? Would he kick me out? Would it be like this the whole time?
The movie ended and neither of us noticed until all the credits had rolled. I clutched my bag nervously. Twirling the zipper in my fingers. Fidgeting. I was fidgeting. He looked over and I stopped. Briefly. He made me nervous. Skittish.
"So I'll sleep on the couch," he said with a complete lack of assertion. I made him nervous too. "You can sleep on the bed."
"Jess…" I whimpered slightly. I really didn't want to sleep on the couch but it would be unfair to force him out of the bed. Seeing as it was his.
"Well unless you want to share-" He was joking of course but now wasn't the time for that kind of joke. He stopped and looked at me smiling weakly. "Just take the bed; I'll be fine out here."
"Thanks." He followed me to make sure I got settled. The bedroom was small but he owned a decent sized bed. "I like to spread out" he mumbled. He had seen me rack my brain for reasons why he could possibly need a decent sized bed.
"Oh, ok." We were treading on thin ice. It shocked me how well he could read me. It shocked me even more how well I could read him. It was unsettling. Jess and I hadn't been able to communicate like this before. We wouldn't have fought the way we did if it had been like this. Or at least, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have.
"I have to go to work tomorrow so feel free to help yourself to anything you want. I don't suggest going out, but you can do what you want." He said as he closed the door.
My mother had pegged and pleaded with me to not go to Philly. In her eyes it was the dirtiest, scummiest, nastiest place she could think of. This would mark the first time I wasn't staying in a hotel while visiting a city. I wasn't wrapped in a blanket of security guards, numbered rooms, key cards and chaperones, she noted. Part of me suddenly understood her fear. I hadn't heard the neighbors arguing during the movie. Or the sirens.
I undressed and put on my pajamas. I eyed the bed. Clean sheets. Clean pillowcases. Clean blanket. He had prepared for my visit. The ice cream was a preparation. The apartment was freakishly clean for a 21 year old bachelor. He had changed his routine for me. I snuggled myself under the covers and tried to sleep.
12:04 a.m
1:53 a.m
2:07a.m
The door creaked open a little, I rolled over. "Couldn't sleep?" I asked my voice thick with sleep. Which was misleading because I hadn't slept a moment.
"Did I wake you?" he asked nervously.
"You? No. The neighbors, the sirens, the trash man, the lady in the hall, the drunk guy and the dogs. They are another story entirely." I smirked to myself in the dark.
"You are so spoiled." I could see the silhouette of his head shaking in faux-disbelief.
"Yes, I am." I yawned. "You know you can kick me out of the bed whenever. If I'm not sleeping here, I won't be sleeping in there so while the gesture was kind, it really doesn't matter."
"Nah, you stay in here." He started to leave.
"Jess, why don't you just come in here and sleep." I made a large sweeping motion with my arms, "You have to go to work tomorrow. You need sleep."
"I can't make you give up the bed." He said stubbornly.
"Well then we can share." I stated as I scooted over slightly. "I don't want to impair you're ability to think tomorrow. I will not have Jess Mariono, published novelist, become a mindless idiot on my account."
"Rory-" He whispered, trying to come up with a logical argument.
"Nope. I won't hear it." I was being stubborn. I was tired. He was tired. We were going to argue about this for more time then it was worth if I didn't put my foot down. "Now come on sleepy-head."
He gave in finally and climbed in bed. We were silent for a while. I was almost asleep when he finally said something.
"Rory?" he whispered almost inaudibly. I was too tired respond. I grunted but just barely.I felt him roll over; his back was now facing me. He thought I was asleep.
Somehow during the night I ended up smashed against his body. I was breathing softly on his neck and his arms were wrapped tightly around my waist. I didn't dare move. As much as it scared me to be sleeping like that. The thought of his reaction scared me more. And the thought of him rolling over and leaving me alone scared me the most.
That morning I pretended not to wake up when he untangled his arms from my body and left for work. Only when I knew he had left did I open my eyes. There was a note scrawled on a piece of paper on his pillow.
"I don't hate you."
I felt bad for instantaneously doubting it. I felt more then just a twinge of guilt about hoping he wouldn't come back from work. I wanted him to fail again. I wanted an "I knew it!" moment. I wanted a reason to run. I had no idea what I wanted.
I paced around his apartment; it suddenly felt very small. I was shamelessly searching for a reason to go, a phone number, a picture, a girlfriend, a wife. Any reason not to stay and face this. This was not how it was supposed to be. There was supposed to be a big fight and a dramatic exit. He was supposed to hate me, so I could hate him.
Three years worth of resentment, hurt, heartbreak all boiling under the surface waiting to spill out; and now he was making it even more difficult by uncovering the feelings I had tried my hardest to hide. I hadn't gotten over him. He made that process incredibly difficult by randomly showing up at inopportune moments and confessing things to me.
"I love you."
"Come with me."
"I wrote a book."
"I know you better then anyone."
He knew exactly what he was doing every time he showed up, I'm sure of it. He was testing me. He was playing me, Logan was right; I was a game to him. He toyed with my emotions constantly.
I emptied the contents of my purse onto the floor, not in the mood to shuffle through its contents, I needed myself phone and I needed it right that second. Flipping it open I pressed the speed dial number and waited.
"Rory, what's up?"
"Mom I'm having a meltdown and I have no clue what the hell to do in this empty apartment in the middle of this city that I've never been to in my whole life. I mean, I've heard about obviously – the eagles, Lil Kim's imprisonment… God is that all there is here?" I rushed through my words so quickly that had it been anyone else they would have had no clue what I was saying.
"No, there's that pretty art museum with all the steps."
"Thank you. I mean the only reason I know that the Eagles are from Philadelphia is because that T.O guy is on the news a lot. I can see why we never took a rode trip to Philly. There's nothing here!" I gasped.
"Well that's not exactly true; I hear South Street is supposed to be interesting. If you go to condom kingdom get me some fun colored ones." I could hear the smirk in her voice.
"MOM! That is not helping this! I do not need a picture of you and Lu – oh GOD! Ew. Mom!" I could hear her cackling on the other end.
"I'm sorry kid, what's wrong; I wasn't expecting this call so soon. Did he try anything funny? Cause so help me – I will... I will come up with something so terrible that the stuff those creepy siblings on Nip/Tuck did look something out of a Disney movie."
"He doesn't hate me." I stated.
"That's good right?" She asked confused. "I mean this whole thing would be considerable more difficult if he hated you."
"He's supposed to hate me. So I can hate him. And I can move on. It was supposed to be easy like that. 'Hi Rory – I hate you.' 'Hi Jess, I hate you too.' 'Leave.' 'Ok.' 'Bye.' Like a Dick and Jane novel. Jess sees Rory. Jess hates Rory. Rory hates Jess too. The End."
"You know I bought you a bunch of Dick and Jane books when you were about five; only to discover Mia had already introduced you to the more difficult and complex literature of Dr. Seuss." She remembered fondly.
"I miss Mia." I said forgetting the focus of the conversation for a second.
"She called a couple times while you were living with the Grandparents. You should call her. But honey, back to Jess. What's the real problem here?"
"The real problem is he doesn't hate me!" I cried exasperatedly.
"You aren't over him are you?" She said softly.
"Are you at work?" I asked trying to avoid the question.
"Nope. I'm at Luke's and I'm telling you those colored c-"
"No! No! I'm not! I don't know! It's just, No!" I interrupted her making sure she didn't finish her thought.
"Knew that would work." She said, proud of herself.
"Wait – you're on your cell phone, you can't be at Luke's."
"I'm at Luke's not the diner."
"Oh, dear God." This conversation was not going in a direction I liked.
"So back to you and Jess, you're not over him, you're single, he doesn't hate you, and you're alone for a week." I could hear her starting to panic slightly. "You do realize that worries me more then just a little bit, right?"
"We slept together last night."
"Rory! Mommy needs to know that kind of thing at the beginning of the conversation; you don't not let me ramble when you have news like that." She was panicking.
"No, no, we slept together, no sex, just, he couldn't sleep and wouldn't let me move to the couch so I said we could share and then we ended up all snuggly." I said quickly.
"You do realize this is the most detailed conversation we've ever had about Jess, right?" She said. "Normally you're all thirteen on me and leave me out of the loop. Leave me wondering."
"No time for useless pontificating, I need help. I need it now."
She snickered slightly, "Pontificating. I am pontificating. That makes me sound so smart. Thank you."
"Moooom." I groaned.
"Ok, right, well, you could come home and make your favorite mother very happy. Or you could ride this out and see what happens. Either way, it's up to you, and I support you."
"Thanks for the help." I grumbled irritably.
"Kid, I think you're just scared of all the things you guys never worked out and all the sudden you have this fantastic opportunity to figure things out. It's very surreal to be able to confront all the demons you two have. I think, despite the fact that it scares me, you should stay. You need closure babe. You can't have Jess hanging over you all the time. You don't admit it, but he's always there. You need to let it all go. But its up to you."
"I'll talk to you later." I said quietly.
"I love you Rory." She said earnestly.
"I love you too Mom, thanks."
"Bye."
After I hung up I got up and looked around the apartment for something to do till Jess got back.