Summary: It's hard to imagine things ever coming up when you're down, and vice verse. That's what Kagome Higurashi told herself years ago. Now she's stuck on the bottom, once again. Even though she has to tell herself that things will get better, she highly doubts that they can. The best things to her have been jerked away, once again, and dangled above her head to taunt her.

Rated M for death, depressing material, and foul language...

"Talking"
Flashbacks
Song Lyrics (centered)

Best of Us
Chapter 6: More Secret Words

I should have known not to go. I should've been smarter. I'm married to one of the smartest men on this planet. So, why am I such a dimwit? Why am I so stupid? You'd think that, being around him, I'd get some smarts. Seems that I'm only getting dumber... I've really screwed things up.

Inuyasha will never forgive me. He'll never love me again. I've messed up too bad this time.

- - -

I pick up my diary, and begin writing in it again. I've been doing this for the past five days. I have nothing else to do, since Inuyasha is hardly home. When he's not helping his clients - which have gotten very troubled since the fight - he's at bars. I don't know why he doesn't just divorce me. Or move out. Seems like it's the appropriate thing to do.

He's started drinking a lot at the bars. He comes back, drunk, then goes to work the next day. Since he's a half demon, he doesn't have the effects of a hangover. If he were a full demon, he wouldn't get drunk at all. Then, I wonder, how would he deal with all the crap going on in his life?

Perhaps that means that he would need therapy too. I've heard that people usually suffer in what their profession gives. Doctors have bad health, therapists are crazy, teachers are dumb... Well, most kids believe the last one pretty strongly.

I guess it doesn't matter. I'm stupid, and I can hardly even keep up my own club. Okay, I'll admit it. My club is doing exceptionally well and is getting great reviews from so many newspapers. It doesn't change the fact that there are more applications. When you hire new people, the entire staff shifts to accomidate them. The shift can ruin the comfortable feeling that our staff sets off.

I annoy myself with my babble. That's why I write it down...

( Open Diary Entry )

Damn hormones. I am still thinking like crazy. You'd think that my mind would give me a break or something. Should be tired, but NO! It has to keep thinking and reminding me of what happened a few days ago!

I still feel horrible for doing that. I still feel so horrible for having gone to get Kaylee. My... My mother's instincts took over. I felt as if my life - even my unborn child's life - weren't as valuable as Kaylee's.

There's another reason I left. It was for Inuyasha's happiness. I was aware that I may die. I thought that, if I could just give him Kaylee, then he'd be happy. I've seen those two together. He loves our daughter so much. He's a proud father and wants to be involved in her life. He...

Inuyasha gets really happy whenever he's with Kaylee. I wanted to make him happy, so I went. He looked so worn-down, I felt as if he'd die if I didn't try. So, I tried...

Now things are even worse. He goes to work, drinks until it's ten, then comes home to sleep. He's so drunk, he never notices me. I feel like everything is my fault. I know it's all my fault. I... I didn't reason with myself and I went. It was an impulse decision.

I wish Inuaysha would forgive me already. I don't want him to hate me like this. It's torturing me inside. I can't handle it... This is the same kind of pain that has kept me from talking for almost half my life. I haven't talked since we got in the fight. I know whatever I say will only anger him more.

The last think I want is for Inuyasha to be unhappy... I feel as if though everything revolves around his happiness. When he's happy, my heart feels like it's soaring. But, when he's upset like he is now, I feel as if I'm depressed.

It's hard to believe that I managed to write myself wise words and I can't even hold to them now.

"It's hard to imagine things going up when you're down, and it's hard to imagine things going down when you're up."

I wish that I'd take that to heart. I wish that the same part of me that wrote it and believed it would be back. I know in my mind it's true, but my heart doesn't think so. I still can't imagine things ever getting better. I can't imagine Inuyasha ever forgiving me or Kaylee ever being gone.

Kaylee is suffering because of me. Because I let myself be happy, when I knew Naraku wasn't finished with me. I allowed myself to get pregnant, even though I knew that something was going to go wrong. I had the intuition that told me not to, but I ignored it. I thought nothing could get worse.

After all. After someone comes out of a pit, don't they deserve to have the rest of their life as happy? I've read about it in all the books. Everyone has happy-ever-afters. Depressed people end up being happy and living great lives. But... What makes me so different that I can't be like them? Why do I have to suffer more, just to get my happy ending?

I don't get it. I don't think I ever will... I know that things will never get better. Inuyasha may, soon, go to a lawyer and say he's going to divorce me. Say that I cause him nothing but pain and more pain...

He knew what pain I carried when he read my diary. He should've known that I'd bring that kind of pain into our relationship. He should have know that I'm no good. I'm an outcast to everything... Even worse than him...

( Close Diary Entry )

I close my diary and wipe a few tears from my eyes. I hate feeling this way. Perhaps it's the hormones. I don't know, though. Hormones make you feel like it's your real emotions. I feel like this emotion is real, not fake like the hormones give. But, hormones are real, and so are their over-reacting feelings they give.

I should really stop thinking about this. I'm just making it harder on myself. I'm sure that this much stress can hurt the baby. It did put me into pre-labor before. Scratch that. I don't know what caused those. But I do know that stress can cause early birth. The last thing I want to do is that. It'll only piss Inuyasha off more.

"Kagome... Tell me, why do you want friends?"

"I... I want someone to..." I didn't bother to finish. I knew that he'd only hurt me for it.

"Come, Kagome... Let's show you something..." He said carefully. I followed, unaware of what was going to happen.

I jerk my head towards my door, my heart racing. What was that? I... I thought that I wasn't going to have flashbacks anymore. I wrote down my past, and I talked to Inuyasha about it. There's no reason for these memories to be coming back to me like this! No reason!

But... The memory wasn't familiar. I know most of my memories, because they're so common. This was new. This... I don't even remember Naraku saying that to me. How could I have been unaware of it?

I feel so stupid for not knowing my own past. It's not often that you remember your past, without realizing that you even forgot it. I shake my head, trying to get the memory to leave or come back. I can't decide which.

Naraku, I assume it was him, was trying to show me something. What was it? Why was I so scared of him at the time? First question I should get answered is, was it even Naraku? Could it have been Kouga? He was abusive and spoke in the creepy tone too...

I feel like I'm pushing against the very limits of my memory. Like I'm pushing against a brick wall in attempt to get more of these memories. Even though that memory struck fear into my heart, I want more. I want to know what happened. I want to know why I can't remember.

I think not remembering is more painful than being able to remember and hiding from it. I shrug the memory off long enough to get out of my bed and get myself some lunch. I pull out the stuff for a sandwich, making it without really caring. Almost in an automatic kind of way, I guess. I slide the mustard on the slice of bread.

Bloody. A bloody body, with no skin left. You could see so much muscle, bone, even their heart's faint beating. It was so nauseating. The man laughed as he gripped my shoulders. He was the one to do it, and he took pride in knowing that. I stared with widened eyes as this person's body seemed to speak to me.

All I could think of was their life. They were innocent, naive to what they're knowledge would bring them. Then, they began to be tortured. They were cut up. While they were healing from that, they were burned. Pain began to rush through my body as if I was burning too.

I drop the butter knife on the floor and begin struggling to breathe. That same sensation is washing over me, and I feel like I'm on fire. The baby inside of me moves, and I'm guessing that it's uncomfortable with my body's temperature. I gasp for air and head to the sink in attempt to wash down the hallucenation.

While I'm drinking the water, I feel like my skin is peeilng away. I cry out in agony as I go to the shower. I turn on a cold shower then stand in it, completely clothed, as I get my body to cool down.

I don't know what happened. There are memories that, even though I'm curious, should not be revealed. Just remembering the sensation of burning from my past caused it to come back. I'm not sure if it would have killed me or not. I felt as if my skin really was peeling away and I was going to die. Perhaps it was just a fabrication of my mind.

Curiousity killed the cat. I feel like the cat right now. I'm walking down a dark alley...

Next time on Best of Us...
I can't take it anymore. I have to do something to find Kaylee. Inuyasha is too drunk to notice me gone. In the morning, he'll be in too much of a hurry. Then he's off to the bar again. I can get away without him knowing. I'm going to do this, without him aware of what's going on. It's the only way for me to fix what I've screwed up...

Just made the story go from fifteen chapters to twelve chapters. Two were unnecessary (I revealed too much already for them to be of any use), and one was just... stupid. It was perhaps the size of a third of my chapters, if I were to create it. So, you're all stuck with three less chapters, but much more suspense!

I think 60 reviews sounds reasonable for this... Don't you?

- Bipolar Tangerine