Summary: It's hard to imagine things ever coming up when you're down, and vice verse. That's what Kagome Higurashi told herself years ago. Now she's stuck on the bottom, once again. Even though she has to tell herself that things will get better, she highly doubts that they can. The best things to her have been jerked away, once again, and dangled above her head to taunt her.

Rated M for death, depressing material, and foul language...

"Talking"
Flashbacks
Song Lyrics (centered)

Best of Us
Chapter 9: Starting Over

I don't know why things seem to always go wrong for me. I guess I'm a magnet for bad luck. There seems to be no happiness for me. Even though Naraku is dead and Kouga can't find me, there's always something ready to go wrong. At least that's the case for me. There's no permanent good for me...

Happiness is just a fabrication of my mind. I think I'm happy, but that's just a trick until the bad times start coming again.

- - -

Kaylee's funeraly was a killer. Perhaps that's an insensitive way to put it. I felt horrible at her funeral. The entire time she was being talked about and buried, I couldn't pay attention. I could only think of how horrible of a mother I am. I'm not just a bad mother, but I'm a bad person.

I couldn't save mom from Naraku. I couldn't find the courage to tell her of what he was doing to us. Then she got into drugs and became unaware of my brother and I. Then I couldn't protect Souta from Naraku. Even when I had the chance to stop Naraku before things got worse, I just stared. I couldn't do anything.

And now my daughter is dead because I couldn't pull my mind together in time. I couldn't get over her being gone and I couldn't pull myself together to get it sooner. Now, not only am I suffering from her loss, but everyone at the funeral suffered too.

Inuyasha cried and almost couldn't finish talking about her. Sango, Miroku, and their sons were there too. Her oldest, I forget his name, kept asking her what they were saying about Kaylee. He didn't understand that Kaylee was dead. He didn't understand it when they lowered the coffin into the ground and buried it.

That tore me up. He and Kaylee were very close friends. Now, he'll never see her again. That's my fault. I can't believe that I let everyone down. Sango was so upset, she was crying too. Miroku could hardly even comfort her, since he was on the verge of tears. People that have never cried before were crying.

Sesshoumaru attended, because Rin made me. He claimed that he didn't care, but I think he did. Rin was crying, and had a four-year-old in her arms. When she got pregnant, we had all these crazy ideas about how her child and mine would be best friends. It devistated her to realize that the child she was so fond of was gone.

I think that it hurts me more since everyone loved Kaylee. She would smile, and she was optimistic. When I'd cry over Inuyasha being gone, Kaylee would come in with a coloring book and ask me to color with her. She was so innocent, and the idea of this happening to her is tearing everyone apart.

I cried over the baby being gone. It was so soon that I would have given birth to it and I'd have had another blessing in my life. No. I ignored Inuyasha's orders to leave, and I poisoned the child. To think that I was worried about deforming the baby. I killed the baby...

I curl up in the bed, trying to escape from reality. I don't like what I've done. I can't believe that I screwed things up so badly. It's a wonder that Inuyasha doesn't divorce me or yell at me. He's been... He's been very gentle with me. He cares for me and cooks me dinner. He tries to tell me that things aren't my fault, but I can't believe him. I just cry when he says that.

"See this, Kagome? Can you see this dead woman? I will make sure that you become just like her if you ever rebel against me." He said. I looked up at him, too innocent to understand how venomous his threat was.

"I don't get it." I plainly told him.

"If you ever try to leave me, I will hurt you. I will make you suffer so badly, you won't even be able to look at me without wincing!" He snapped. I hardly understood the words that he said, but I straitened up and nodded.

"I'll never rebel, sir." I tell him respectfully. He smiled then turned his attention back to the body in front of us. Charred. It reminded me of something I would cook when mom was high. That's what it was.

If you paid enough attention, the woman would cry out to you. Perhaps it was just me, but I could hear her crying. I could hear her calling out for mercy as the man poured lighter fluid all over her. I could hear her scream in pain and agony as the match was pressed against her. I could feel the suffering that came when she realized that she'd been tricked. That the man who promised her love, wasn't in love with her at all. He loved how she might look when he set her on fire.

I still feel like I can hear her scream. Since these memories have started coming back, I've been having nightmares. I'll wake up in a cold sweat and out of breath. My heart will beat so fast I won't know if I just ran a million miles or not. Most of the time, Inuyasha doesn't wake up when I get out of bed to shower the sweat off. When he does, I have to find a way to keep from telling him what causes this.

He still doesn't know that I go through this, you know. He doesn't understand that there's something else on my mind. When I get enough memories, I'm going to write it down. Then I'm going to tell someone about it. Word of my new nightmares will get to him fast and he can look for himself. I don't have the courage to tell him face-to-face.

Right now, I'm drying off. It's two in the morning, and I managed to slip out of the bed without Inuyasha waking up. The dreams are getting worse, and I don't know how I'll be able to sleep. A lot of the times, I don't wake up because of the nightmare. I wake up because I feel as if I'm burning myself. I think that is what could be making me sweat.

Then again, I'm never too smart in that category. I open up the door, the towel wrapped around my body. I jump and nearly scream as I see Inuyasha standing there. He picks me up then takes me to the couch. I don't know why he's so awake right now, but he seems to not notice how early it is.

"What are you doing up?" I ask him as I lean against his chest.

"I could ask you the same." He points out. Damn it. Sometimes, I wish Inuyasha were just a little dumber.

"Tell me and I'll tell you." I offer. He thinks it over then nods his head.

"I wanted to talk to you." He tells me plainly.

"Hey! That's not a real reason!" I say in defence.

"Fine. I had to use the bathroom and someone was taking a shower. That caught my attention so I waited for you to get out and thought about something to talk about during. You shower a long time." He tells me.

"You do too." I tell him.

"How so?" He asks.

"Becuase you have more hair than I do." I say smartly. He sighs then shakes his head.

"Why were you in the shower?" He asks me.

"I had a nightmare about death and woke up in a cold sweat. I don't like being sweaty, so I had to shower." I tell him. Okay, so I did have a nightmare about death, but that's not the whole story. I don't want to reveal the whole story right now. Mainly because I don't have it.

"Ah... So, can you stay awake long enough to talk to?" He asks me.

"Can you make me some of the Chai Tea you started buying?" I ask. He chuckles and then gets up and starts to boil the water. I sit up and lookat him. Since he's making the tea, I'll stay awake.

"I was thinking... About a family. We both wanted one, but Naraku ended up destroying it." He pauses for a while, in case I burst into tears I guess. I nod my head and hold back my remorse and my gulit over the thought.

"Go on." I whisper, more to myself than him.

"Well... Would you be willing on trying once more? Too much longer and we may not be able to have a family." He says. I can tell that he's really missing having a child around. I miss it too, honestly.

"I'd love to start the family over again..." I tell him quietly. He smiles then hugs me tightly.

Perhaps there is such a thing as happiness. It won't come to you naturally, like many people believe. You have to work at it. Many people work at it without knowing it, and they're happy. Some people don't realize that it's something to be earned, and never get it. Then there are the few people who don't even know how to work on becomming happy.

I think that I'm no longer in that group...

Next time on Best of Us...
I remember it now. I remember the bastard who made me suffer. He was only with me a year, but he hurt me much more than Naraku did. Much, much more. So, now I have to write it down in my diary to get it out. I have to give the diary to Inuaysha, so he can understand... And I have to calm down.

Oooh. One more chapter. I just now posted the first chapter. I like to be ahead, just incase I lose my inspiration to write a story... Well, I hope ya'll like this! There MIGHT be a... Nevermind. I can't tell ya till next chapter. Sorry!

Kohara InuYashafan Takahashi- Ah... no, there's a third one coming. That's the ending, and I don't think it'll be too happy. Perhaps bittersweet, but not happy... -evil grin- I'd tell you, but you'd have to persuad me to...

I think 90 reviews sounds reasonable for this... Don't you?

- Bipolar Tangerine