Disclaimer: Don't own. If you did, you'd totally notice. Because the show wouldn't suck as much. And Babe and Krystal would have been abducted by aliens a long time ago.
Title: The Dance That We Do
Author: Jayta
Rating: PG13
Show: All My Children
A/N: And everyone breathes a sigh of relief. As do I. :D I didn't think this would ever actually get done.
A/N 2: A second note? Someone wants a second note? Well nothing is in this little brain of mine after writing this update. Nope. My brain is on hiatus.

Chapter Fourteen: Delirious

She deserved to be alone. It was the only conclusion she could come to. As Kendall stared out at the nightsky, there was nothing else running through her mind but how she had managed to screw up everything in her life. When she was a girl, Kendall dreamed of the possibility of a happily ever after. But all of that was shattered when she found out who her real mother was and how she was conceived. That was the day my life began to fall apart.

Since her abrupt awakening earlier that night, Kendall had not been able to fall back to sleep. She found herself flashing hot and cold; the room became a stifling prison. Whatever she tried to do to take her mind off of the nightmare and the disaster that was her marriage to Zach, whether it was work or a book, it was always there - always in the back of her mind. She didn't know whether the thermostat was broken in the room or it was this cold or flu she had caught, but she was restless. It felt like she was uncomfortable in her own skin.

Tugging on the inside of both her sleeves, stretching the knit of the grey sweater, Kendall wrapped her arms around herself. I shouldn't go out. She glanced briefly outside at the growing ferocity of the invisible hand of God. The hurricane loomed upon the small island, reaping its' destructive harvest upon its' unsuspecting victims. Chairs, tables, and anything else that had not been secured by the hotel employees tumbled across the beach and also into the engulfing surf of the ocean. It was wild and tumultuous. Exactly what she was feeling inside.

I have to get out of here.

Underneath her skin, it felt like the blood was boiling within her veins. She had to get out and feel the cool air on her face. The swish of the veranda door filled her ears as the forceful blast of the wind rushed over her. It felt good.

Barefoot and with only a thin sweater to keep out the wind, Kendall embraced the chaos that ensued around her. There was so much that she had been dealing with over the past several months. Never in a million years would she have ever believed that she would be standing on this beach now, in love with her husband, devoid of a child, and alone.

Closing her eyes, Kendall breathed in the cool air that had a hint of rain upon it, and let the memories of the past year flood over her. Too many of them were filled with pain and tears. Her whole life had been filled with more pain and rejection that she ever believed possible. Much of it was her fault, but not all of it.

"All I wanted was someone to love me!" she screamed out into the empty void that took her words away from her and sent them into the darkness. Dropping her arms to her side, she opened her eyes, watching the white surf rolling forward and crashing against the white sands, a few feet away from her.

Words rolled through her mind. Unwanted. Screw-up. Loser. Reject.

Why does it always have to be a fight? Why did she have to fight for everything she wanted?

Glancing down, Kendall picked up a stone that lay by her feet. Bitterly, she squeezed the black stone in her hand, as if by sheer will she could infuse the inanimate object with every crushed dream and desire. And with all of her might, she raised it over her head and threw it into the rumbling surf. It disappeared from sight, into the blackness of the night, before she could see it swallowed by the cleansing white foam.

She was so tired of this all. Why did her life have to fall apart at every turn? Was she doomed to live a life of misery? Turning around to leave, Kendall had to stop herself, as her vision blurred; she felt a little light-headed. Leaning forward, she caught her breath, waiting for it to pass. What else could go wrong?

Standing up and blinking several times, Kendall found her vision still slightly blurred, but no sign of dizziness. Just put one foot in front of the other. She stopped mid-step, as a tall figure emerged from the beneath the shadows. Pressing her fingers against her eyes, Kendall didn't know if she was seeing things or if it was real. Zach?

The figure moved in closer and the man did share a close resemblance to Zach - at least from what she could tell from this distance. You're just delirious. That's it. Kendall squinted, trying to focus, as things began to blur again. However, the mirage of Zach continued to come closer.

"What?" Kendall frowned, as 'Zach' approached, her anger suddenly surfacing again. "Did you come to torment me?"

Like she didn't have enough in her life to keep her well grounded in reality. She was a product of rape. She had managed to humiliate herself, throwing herself at a man who chose someone he 'liked' over her. Then she managed to throw love away a second time when she married Ethan's father. And now she was in the throws of a one-sided love affair with Zach.

"Stay there!" she commanded her 'imagination'. "Don't come any closer." To her surprise it obeyed. Great. I'm crazy, too!

His lips began to move, mouthing her name, 'Kendall'.

She was definitely losing it. She was in the throws of delirium. "You know, why did you have to come into my life?" she yelled at Zach. "Why did you ask me to marry you? Why did you propose something that I was insane enough to agree to?"

If he hadn't walked into her life that day, she could very well be happily married to Ethan and the chaos in her life might have been avoided. Maybe Ryan would never have gone loco and he and Greenlee would be happily married with their own child? She didn't know. She would never know. Kendall stared angrily at the mirage in front of her. She married him. She fell in love with him.

"You screwed up my life!" But her accusation was swallowed up by a loud crack of thunder; and she watched as he just stood there, staring at her - no reply, no answer. "Do you see," Kendall cried hoarsely. "Do you see what you've done to me?" Her voice trailed off.

Suddenly the soft echo of rain fell. Each drop of rain sounding in the cool night air - the only proof of the existence of anything living in the consuming darkness. She felt herself suffocating in the closing abyss.

Kendall felt the wet droplets pelting against her skin, as the wind strengthened its' assault. She didn't care. As the rain fell, more heavily with each passing second, Kendall welcomed the invisible onslaught. Its' silent words piercing her soul.

Will I never get it right?

"I know it's my fault," she spoke into the darkness. "I made the wrong choices - all of the wrong choices. It was me. I know I always blamed someone else. But I know it was and is me." She opened her eyes and locked gazes with the desire of her heart. "I deserve to be miserable. I have had so many chances." Her voice choked on a rising tide of tears. The piercing cold cut right through her, but she ignored it. Standing in the rain, face to face with the man she had demanded honesty from, but never gave it in return, was where she needed to be. "My past haunts me, Zach. And I don't think I'll ever be free."

She had hoped to leave it behind. Who she had been, who she was - she wished she could be free of the ghosts of her past. Closing her eyes, she let the rain fall upon her, willing it to wash away the sins of her father which had been haunting her all of these years. All of the arguments and screaming matches against Erica, Jack, and anyone else who came up against her - she wasn't fighting them. She was fighting herself and the voice inside her head telling her they were right.

Kendall was finally ready to admit that she believed those lies that Erica had spewed at her when she revealed herself to her mother. How could anything good come from such a horrible act? Wasn't this the reason she was doomed to a life without love? Instead, she found pain and suffering - misery.

Oh God, will I never be free? Will I never be clean?

--&--

He had been inextricably drawn to the cacophony created by the forces of nature. It was as if it called to him - speaking to his soul. The confusion and havoc reaped by the mere elements intrigued him and he found himself at peace within the turmoil. However, Zach had not expected to see Kendall in the centre of the torrent.

She seemed to frail and fragile amidst the indomitable wind that even managed to bend the trees to its' will. Her hair hid her face, as she stared out into the ocean. She seemed preoccupied - distant.

His first instinct was to leave. He had promised to leave her alone. And since he hadn't managed to keep his first promise of keeping her and her child safe, it was the least he could do. He would have, but as he watched in the distance, he saw her falter. She was still sick. And here she stood in a thin, knit sweater.

He had moved in closer, to make sure she didn't pass out; but in doing so, he had come to close. And she spotted him. She did not speak his name, not at first. Instead what came out were accusations. Anger, no doubt at the way he handled things. He had wanted to explain, but she, once again, pushed him away. Commanding him to stay away. And as much as it pained him, he acquiesced.

Standing as an outsider, Zach watched her crumble before his eyes. She had blamed him. No doubt, it was true. He had complicated an arrangment that should have been simple enough. But even a simple arrangement, something like a marriage of convenience, he had managed to screw up. Zach felt the acute sting of each word.

But something changed. Suddenly her words, her thoughts became lost and confused. She seemed to take her focus off of him and turn it...inwards.

He approached her slowly, positive that she was totally unaware of his presence. It was as if she didn't see him at all. As the rain poured down on her, it was as if each added drop held the possibility of breaking the already crumbling woman.

--&--

"Kendall."

His voice echoed in her head. It's almost like he's really here. Kendall raised her gaze to meet the figment of her imagination, who now stood a few feet away. He looked so real, down to the dripping suit. "You know, I-I wish to God that you were really here," she whispered, talking to herself. But he wasn't. He wasn't here. Closing her eyes, she allowed her hot tears to intermingle with the cold cries of nature. "But you're not. You're not here."

He furrowed his brow as Kendall seemed delirious and confused. Her words didn't make any sense. It wasn't until he moved closer, only an arms length away, that he realized she was trembling. Her clothes were soaked through. Her hair was matted by the weight of the rain. "C'mon, Kendall," he coaxed, reaching out to her. "Let me take you back to the hotel."

His voice seemed so soft and kind. It was as she imagined he would be. It was as she pictured it would begin. He would come to her and she would finally have to guts to tell him what she truly felt. She would disperse with the lies and finally admit what she felt in her heart, despite her fears. She would say his name. "Zach."

He stopped, his hand just short of taking her arm. "Kendall," he spoke, a little louder now, over the rumble of the storm. "Not now."

"Yes, now," she declared, taking a step back. If she didn't do it then, when would she do it? Afterall, it was only a dream. "I have to tell you..."

"Kendall," Zach frowned, reaching to grasp her arm. She quickly pulled back. "C'mon. We have to get you back inside."

"I know you don't want to hear it," she said distractedly. "I mean, why would you? But I have to tell you."

Zach saw the desperation in her eyes. She wasn't seeing him. Not really.

"I've said this a hundred times in my head. I've even dreamed it," Kendall laughed deliriously, running her fingers through her wet hair. "Just like this.

"Well, not exactly like this. This is a little different."

Zach looked on anxiously, as Kendall slipped further into this delusion. She could not separate the dream from reality. I have to get her inside and out of the rain.

"Everytime I tried to do this with you," she said thoughtfully. "You always said something to make me mad. Or something else would get in the way." Her fear always got the best of her. "I mean, how could I tell you this when you kept showing me that you didn't care? Or at least not in that way..."

Zach paused. Her words had caught his attention. "In what way?" But she ignored him.

"Do you know what it felt like to be near you? To have you close enough to..." her voice trailed of for a moment, "but never being able to reach out and touch you?" Kendall looked up at him, searching out those beautiful eyes she had etched in her mind. "It was like..."

"Torture." He finished her sentence for her.

"Zach, I hated you. I probably still should," she said, turning away. "But the more determined I became to keep you away, the more you kept chipping away at me. Always with the sweet words...coming to my quick defense if anyone tried to tear me down. "

"It was hard to keep your distance," he said distractedly, understanding where she was coming from. "Everytime you tried to figure out a reason why you felt that way...a way out..."

"You did something to make me care for you even more."

"It was like swimming upstream, the more you tried, the further downstream you ended up drifting."

Even though this was a dream, Kendall found herself slipping into the unfounded dream with ease. If it could have been this easy to talk to him... She could have found herself in a completely different position. If she could have spoken these words after he told her how much he loved her...

"Why couldn't you be real?" she whispered, peering into his eyes. "I am here," he whispered, leaning in. She was close enough to touch. "I'm here."

The intensity of the downpour and the wind increased; yet it was as if nothing could intrude upon this moment. It was a moment of truth for the both of them. And neither were going to walk away. Not this time.

"I love you, Zach," Kendall admitted, swallowing the water that beat against her face. "You have no idea how much I ache everytime you're in the same room, unable to reach out and just hold your hand." She wiped her eyes, trying to focus on the figment in front of her, afraid he'd vanish before her eyes. "I have to hold my breath whenever you walk into a room because I know I'd give myself away. Everytime you stand close, I was afraid I'd let myself give in. I'd weaken. But what has that gotten me?

"Tell me I'm not too late. Tell me you still want me."

She was tired of being afraid. She was tired of finding excuse after excuse to make herself miserable. Bianca had once made an off-handed remark, that she was painting herself into a corner - into a lifetime of being alone and unhappy. And standing here on this beach, she was confronted with that frighteningly too-true reality.

Zach hadn't thought this was possible - that the woman standing in front of him could feel about him, the way he felt about her. He hadn't deserved it. For so long he had changed dreams that were out-of-reach; but here Kendall stood, telling him that he could have it. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. No...the way he needed her.

"Kendall," he said, his voice rising above the pounding of the rain and the howl of the wind. "There's nothing I want more."

He hovered protectively over her, as if trying to shield her from the assault of the rain, his hands raised above her head, sheltering her from the penetrating cold. It was the most amazing dream. Kendall could even swear she felt the heat emanating from his imagined body. His long lashes blinked away the drops of rain that clung to them, just as she did. This is so real.

Zach watched as she raised her hand to brush back the rain-drenched locks of hair out of her eyes, but he reached out and stopped her. His hand grasped her wrist gently. Slowly, he lowered it to her side, his gaze never leaving her.

Suddenly her heart leaped into her throat. Oh God. As she glanced briefly at the strong hand that grasped hers, Kendall was hit with the reality that this was real. Zach was here. He was standing right here in front of her.

"I love you, Kendall Hart Slater," he yelled above the din of the storm. Reaching out, Zach ran both his hands through her tangled hair, while drawing her close to him. His heart was pounding against his chest, as he lowered his head in toward her. There was no more pushing her away. He didn't have to watch her from afar and pretend he could live without her. "And don't think I could ever stop."

She didn't think she could breathe. In fact, she didn't think she was breathing. Is this happening? Is this real? Before she could ask another question, Kendall felt the warmth of wet flesh against her lips. She stiffened at first, as the intitial shock of Zach actually being there was just hitting her, before allowing herself to sink into him. His arm slithered around her waist, as she slid her arms around his neck, pulling her in closer. Parting her lips slightly, she gasped for air before pulling him down into a deeper kiss.

If this was a dream, she didn't want to know.