Disclaimer: Naruto's not mine. Yeah, yeah, we all know I don't own anything, not even a stable mind.
Rated: T, for language only
Notes: In case you haven't figured it out, the point is that the characters have felt one way during the two-year separation, and something else completely when they're finally reunited. Also, this second set of meetings happens some indeterminate time after the first, a few months probably.
And in case it's not painfully obvious, I suck at fight scenes and try to avoid them as much as possible. Alas, I could not.
Blessed Be Those Who Mourn
The One Who Sees
The cell was darker, danker, and more isolated than he remembered, but then how long had he been here? Minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to . . had it been months? Or was it years? Time had no meaning to him, hadn't for a long time now. One minute was like another, one day like the next. How long had he been here? Why was he here? He couldn't remember anymore. There was something he was meant to remember, something that was so important that drove him in every step of his life. Or was it more than one something? He couldn't remember. And that scared him, yes scared him, more than anything. Because for a creature who lives only in the past, there's nothing more horrifying than to forget.
That much he knew. Everything he'd done, everything he had been, everything that had been done to him, that's all that he was. He is who he has been. But he is no one now. Without his "was", he had no "is". He'd only ever existed in the present, nothing more. It was in his past that he lived, his past that held him. And everything that had been was now his past. And he couldn't remember. So who was he now, really? With no memory, did he even exist?
His brain hurt.
He tried to recall how he got here. There was something there now, a tickle in the back of his confused mind. He hadn't always been here, in this impenetrable darkness. This tiny, windowless, locked cell that denied him any light or hope. He had been sent here. Because they followed, because they watched, because they planned. Because they'd never trusted him. And he'd given them the reason why.
It was all so foggy, like trying to catch a dream upon waking. The wispy lines of truth just there, floating right at the edge of your senses, but the more you gave chase; the more they simply slipped away.
His entire self, from heart to mind to body, was weak beyond measure. When was the last time he'd eaten? When was the last time he slept? He tried to move his arm, or at least thought it was his arm, but was hindered by a devilish clang. Turning to the sound, he thought he should be able to see, his eyes were open, weren't they? But there was nothing. Darkness, blackness, nothing.
How long had he been here?
He needed to remember. Putting his hand to his face, he put an effort to calm himself, to ease into a trance, to step his mind back. Almost desperately calm, he traced his mind for the lingering bits of memory that must remain.
And he found something. A figure in the moonlight, a night of death, a pain with no name. A pool of blood, a street of corpses, a brother he didn't know. Yes, that's right. How could he have ever forgotten? That was his everything. Blood-red eyes, blood-red hands, blood-red purpose.
That was his life, wasn't it?
The color of blood.
Gathering his strength, He pushed himself up, heard the sharp of metal, felt the cold of stone. With what little energy he still had left, he wracked his brain further.
And faces filled his vision.
There were many. Family, that's why he was here. Enemy, that's why he was here. Teacher, that's why he was here. He gripped the hard stone, holding the one solid thing he could to keep him in place.
He'd just woken up, that's why he couldn't remember. They made him sleep dreamless and deep so when morning came, he was disoriented. Wait, was it even morning? There was no light to tell him, no birds to warn him. So was it morning or night? He didn't know.
They kept him like this, lost and confused, and just this side of alive to make a viable vessel. Locked him away like an animal.
Why had they done this?
Breathing in shallowly, he tried to calm his raw nerves. Panic would get him nowhere; he needed a handhold to regain his sanity, or more importantly, his identity.
An image returned to his mind filling him with hate, disappointment, and fear, reminding him of his one true goal. Itachi, his brother, his blood-colored destiny.
One more breath, and another imaged appeared, bathed him in hate, disgust, and despair, reminding him of his one real choice. Orochimaru, his teacher and keeper, a black-colored path.
He opened his eyes once more, attempted the sharingan, his blood-red power, and was immediately dashed to ground by the searing pain that assaulted his head. They'd been pulling out his chakra, poisoning him, punishing him, making him too weak to think or move or care.
But why? He couldn't remember. What had he done? He knew it was important. Maybe even more than his vengeance, his power, his brother, his whole life's work. Because they had thought it important enough to cage him in the darkness like a beast.
Forcing his brain to cooperate, he reached into the depths of his mind and pulled out different, brighter memories. There he found light and trees, clouds and water. And one by one, friendly faces marched before him, the faces of Konoha. The land of his birth, the home he'd betrayed. But he knew there was more, something greater mixed up with all this haziness. He slammed his head against the stone wall as if he could somehow knock the memory to the surface. Flickers of starry lights danced across the backs of his eyes.
Then another face floated before him.
That's right. He remembered now.
The boy. Naruto.
The reason they no longer trusted him.
The soft rustle of the leaves echoed in his ears as he raced through the branches of the trees. He was moving a little too fast, a little too loudly than was prudent, but he couldn't afford to lose them. They had too much of a lead on him already and he couldn't allow himself to lag.
But even less could afford to be caught, as that would mean certain disaster. He'd allotted himself more time than he had on his other escapes. His carefully laid genjutsu would not be so easily detected and should last plenty long enough for him to do what he needed to do. Whatever that was.
And it's not as if any of them would expect that tactic, none of them knew how well he could do it. He didn't tell that twisted snake bastard everything and certainly didn't learn everything from him either. He was the keeper of the sharingan, the copy-eye, and had managed to learn a few things on his own, to master even more. Yes, they all had their secrets. He owed them neither loyalty nor respect. Just as Orochimaru was using him, he was using the snake. A beautiful, bloody, sick symbiosis.
Suddenly, he came to a halt and crouched low in a particularly bushy set of branches. Slightly farther ahead, the group of Sound nins he'd been tailing had stopped. Peeking through the leaves, he took a careful study of the ninjas and their supposed prey. From the safety of the brush, he spied them. They were the reason he'd come, after all, even if he didn't understand why.
He watched the gray-haired jounin pretend not to notice the shinobi watching them as both younger team members attempted the same, with varying degrees of success. His dark eyes turned to the blond teen, the one, if he was honest with himself, that had truly drawn him out. The little idiot had pulled him here and probably didn't even realize he'd done it.
As Sasuke settled a little more comfortably back into the tree, he pursed his mouth in confusion. He'd felt compelled to follow the four chuunins when he accidentally overheard the nature of their mission. But he had yet to understand the reason why other than that an annoying thought had been nagging him ever since he'd seen the boy, however long ago that was. There was something "wrong" with Naruto. The black-clad teen had no idea what it was; just that he hadn't been able to concentrate since. And that had bothered him enough to take an incalculable risk to chase after what was only the hint of an idea.
But that really didn't explain why.
Why did he come back?
Why did all his thoughts of revenge slowly become overshadowed by thoughts of Konoha? He'd become horribly distracted of late, and that irritated him more than anything. Images of his recent past kept blocking out those of his old past. But he'd left all that behind, the memories he didn't need. Until recently, he had no trouble ignoring those unwelcome thoughts.
If only he hadn't seen them.
If only they'd left him alone.
If only he hadn't listened and been reminded of all the things he'd forgotten.
But there was no point to "if only's". The memories were there, taking over his mind, blurring his focus, fading his determination. He didn't like this, could not allow it. Avoiding them and the memories they elicited in all their time apart had not worked. The best thing to do was just face it head-on, deal with it, and be done with it.
But he'd really rather not have to deal with it at all.
Damn nagging memories.
Why wouldn't Konoha let him go?
Why the fuck couldn't he let it go?
He clenched his teeth in frustration until it hurt, concentrating on the blunt, physical pain because it kept him grounded.
Startled from his thoughts by the sudden rush of wind, he watched as the four ninjas jumped from the trees and attacked without warning or forethought apparently. Idiots. They didn't stand chance, and in typical Sound arrogance, they didn't even know it. He could've beaten them pretty easily alone. Kakashi, Naruto and Sakura could make short work of them without even breaking a sweat. What exactly was the point in this? Orochimaru would know they were no challenge, so why? That snake always had a plan, the obsessive bastard, there had to be a reason, but Sasuke had yet to make it out.
Of course, to be fair, his mind was preoccupied and he wasn't overly concerned with figuring out plans, even now. He knew he should be that he really should be more cautious. But this inexorable pull to see them had made him reckless.
And though it infuriated him, it seemed he was no longer in control of his actions. He really wanted to know why he couldn't let go.
Because he couldn't let go.
And he'd finally seen it.
He had to stop it, had to know why, and for that he needed to face the source of his problems.
So he watched them as their battle, and he used the term loosely, ensued. The copy ninja was flanked by two, who apparently thought there was safety in numbers. Fools. As if that would make a difference. That left one each for Sakura and Naruto.
There was nothing special about the Sound ninjas, Sasuke had seen them around, they had no secret, special technique to pull out at the last minute and grasp victory. They would lose and it seemed the leaf shinobi wouldn't even need to put in much effort.
Kakashi had expertly dodged a few well-aimed hits, which when combined with typical sound and vibration techniques could have done some damage. If only they weren't just a little too slow for the jounin to really take them seriously. Just for fun, or so it seemed to Sasuke, he then used a combination of substitution and henge no jutsu to confuse the two into attacking each other. Well that was just pathetic, even for low-ranking ninja.
Sakura, on the other hand, was relying almost entirely on brute force to beat her opponent into the ground. She used a little substitution of her own to get a better angle as she threw several kunai and avoided a sound wave jutsu. Even her man was ridiculously outmatched; he'd be down soon too.
But if the raven haired teen was honest with himself, he'd admit that he wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to those two. Watching those fights served little purpose, he'd learn nothing new, nothing of use, and those chuunin were just fodder for Orochimaru's inscrutable ambition.
If he were really honest with himself, he'd admit that his eyes were really only watching the third fighter. In typical fashion, Naruto charged in, throwing shuriken and punches almost aimlessly. And it didn't take long for him to pull out his favorite technique, kage bunshin no jutsu, to start throwing weapons from all directions. He probably had decided to keep this long-range since most of these chuunins' attacks were based on close-combat. And because they were so ineffectual, Naruto probably wouldn't even need to use any of the fancier moves or wells of chakra that Sasuke knew he had.
Without thinking and without knowing why, the black-eyed teen leaned far forward like a little kid trying to sneak a peek at something he shouldn't. And like some idiot novice, he slipped. What the hell? Before hurriedly hiding himself again, he thought he saw those blue eyes capture his own black ones, but he couldn't be sure.
This was getting far too dangerous. Time was quickly growing short and if he didn't leave soon, he was just asking to get caught. By either his enemy or his enemy, it didn't much matter which.
And yet he stayed, as if frozen.
What the fuck? How is it that he just kept irritating himself? It's like he'd lost all control over his own actions, had become a visitor in his own body. It bothered him, annoyed him. And if he really allowed himself to accept the truth, it worried him. He had to leave, before he ruined everything.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, he turned and found himself face to face with a certain Orochimaru lapdog. Shit! How the hell had the medic-nin approached without him noticing? He was way too distracted.
Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looking like the condescending bastard he was, Kabuto addressed him. "Well, well, Sasuke. Out for a little stroll?"
"It's none of your damn business," Sasuke replied, scowling furiously and absently wondering when Kabuto had stopped using the -kun at the end of his name.
Narrowing his eyes, the raven-haired boy snapped his head up as if daring the other to question him. The creepy medic-nin just stared back as if he'd never seen the teen before. What was his problem? Talk about acting out of character. Sasuke should be in some serious trouble because of what he'd done, and yet Kabuto was just looking at him. Instead of dealing with this curiosity, he just smirked, shook his head, and took off, not looking to see if the other had followed. As the black clad teen leapt through the trees, he heard his unwanted companion behind him, unusually silent.
Sasuke was confused, which was a feeling he didn't like, but was becoming increasingly familiar with. It was just that Kabuto was acting so freakishly strange, in a different way than normal. It was throwing him off.
And while he was thinking on it, how the hell had he seen through the genjutsu? It was painstakingly crafted in every detail, to avoid just this situation. It should have given him more time, it wasn't some sloppy rush job. And it couldn't just disappear unexpectedly like a simpler bunshin . no . . jutsu . . .
Wait a minute.
Halting abruptly, he turned his dark head a little to look over his shoulder suspiciously.
"Hey, Kabuto."
The older ninja stopped so precariously that he almost fell forward, though he quickly regained his balance to stare blankly back. "Yes, Sasuke?"
Covering his eyes with his hand and heaving a great sigh, the boy tried to get control over his emotions. "Naruto."
"Huh? Oh? What? Where? Naruto's here?" The medic-nin sputtered out unconvincingly.
"Yeah. Right here." And with that, Sasuke cuffed the boy sharply on the back of his head.
"Ouch! What the fuck was that for!"
The dark eyed ninja looked to the ridiculously false Kabuto with the childish pout on his face and the hand indignantly rubbing the bump on his skull. Shaking his head and letting out his breath, he wondered how he'd ever been tricked, even it just been for a minute. His chakra really was messed up.
"Just give it up, you're not fooling anybody."
Boyish frown still in place, Kabuto suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke and became Naruto. "How'd you know?"
Turning, ready to take off, Sasuke simply said, "Just leave, idiot."
"Wait, where do you think you're going?"
The raven-haired boy felt his wrist become captured by a familiar hand as Naruto held him there without much effort. Time stood still as Sasuke's eyes closed in remembrance and Naruto's grew wide, blinking in confusion. Slowly, the dark-eyed teen turned away, and spoke in voice that might've cracked if only it hadn't been so seriously trained.
"Why can't you just let me go?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? That doesn't even make any sense, Sasuke. You're the one who came out here, idiot. I just followed you."
He knew he was asking the wrong question. Naruto wouldn't let go because that's just who he was. That's just one of the many ways in which they were different. Or were they? Maybe he wasn't asking the wrong question, but the wrong person. He was the one who put his life, his future, everything he'd worked for, everything he'd done, all of it at stake just for the chance to see them again.
"Why are you here Sasuke?"
Silence was all that answered the blond ninja. Because Sasuke didn't know. Because when it came right down to it, Sasuke wasn't as smart as he thought. And he didn't like that. He believed in his course and his mission, it's all he had to live for, the only choice he had, his blood-red destiny. Right?
But the truth was; he was no longer so sure.
Fiercely, he yanked his hand from Naruto's grasp and readied himself to escape.
"It's none of your business."
"Like hell it's not! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
Looking back with an expression that could be called awe, Sasuke suddenly stopped in his hand signals. Always the same thing with Naruto, like a one-trick monkey. But now that he was dealing with five of him, he didn't have time to finish his own jutsu as one shadow clone instantly took a swing. Before he did anything, he'd have to get rid of them. Backing up quickly to a higher branch, he raced through the movements and used his Phoenix fire jutsu, dispelling all the shadow clones at once.
Wait, all of them? Dammit. Of course he'd underestimated Naruto, he always did. He knew the boy's techniques and tactics by now, he should've been prepared. Activating his sharingan, he looked around almost frantically; there was no way he'd allow himself to be caught off guard now.
Then he saw them. Naruto and one of his clones forming the one attack that could truly counter his chidori. The blond sure wasn't pulling any punches, was he? Well, Sasuke had no time to waste either and desperately tried to perform the chidori quicker than he ever had before. But then an idea struck him and he stopped.
Instead of fighting back, the raven-haired teen stood there motionless, hands at his sides, eyes closed, and completely vulnerable. He didn't have to do anything. This was another way in which they were different. Naruto wouldn't hit him, wouldn't take the chance that Sasuke might not defend, wouldn't take the chance that he might kill his friend. And the benighted boy was proven right when he heard a muttered curse followed by the sudden cease of movement.
When he reopened his eyes, he saw the last of the rasengan dissipate along with the one remaining shadow clone. He watched with interest as Naruto looked down, his whole body tense, trembling with rage. At the back of his mind, Sasuke wondered which one of them Naruto was angrier with.
"You fucking bastard. Why won't you fight back!"
"Because I don't have to."
Sasuke tried to reclaim the cold, arrogant mask that served him so long, but he'd been showing too many emotions lately for it to really hold. He tried not to let it crack completely when Naruto glared up him with a look of undisguised hate and anger.
"Why are you always like this? You're so goddamn selfish! I'll make you fight me! Then I'll pound some sense into that thick skull of yours and drag your sorry ass back to Konoha. Idiot! I'm not going to give you a choice!""
Sasuke watched in near horror as a gruesome change began to overtake the shorter ninja. Claws grew rapidly, the scars on his cheeks deepened, his eyes turned red, his pupils narrowed to slits, and an enormous angry chakra began to swirl around his body. The betrayer stumbled backward with his eyes opening wide, because he remembered this. And there was nothing he could do. The only chance he'd have to defend himself was with the curse seal, but that was the one thing he couldn't risk. As soon as he activated it, he'd know, and he'd know the betrayer had in turn betrayed him. And Sasuke's life would be forfeit.
And the arrogant, self-centered, single-minded boy was scared. Because he was trapped. As he staggered in the moments before the attack, his mind raced through his options, trying to weigh which one would be best. He couldn't afford to get caught by Orochimaru, but he couldn't afford to be brought back to Konoha, either. He had to follow through with his choices, or everything would be lost. And saw that there really were no options, either way he was damned. His mind worked over this frantically, but his body remained static. He almost didn't notice when the others approached, but they were making such a racket, that he was quickly brought back to his senses.
"He's over here, Kakashi-sensei!"
"Yes, Sakura, I know."
The two suddenly burst through the leaves on either side where Sasuke stood dumbstruck. He watched distractedly as his former teacher pulled out a strip of paper and almost cautiously approached the once boy. As the kunoichi raced by, her shocked green eyes caught his frightened black ones for just a moment and she silently mouthed his name in wonder before quickly glancing back to her teammate.
He couldn't waste this rare opportunity that had curiously been granted. Getting caught here wasn't an option and quickly making the hand signals he'd started earlier, he completed the jutsu and disappeared.
The moment his feet hit solid ground, he began running as if trying to get as much distance between him and that angry chakra as possible. Blood-red chakra, blood-red eyes. Blood-red destinies. The irony was not lost on him. The comparison between the two unnerved him as though it confirmed some unwanted connection.
He didn't know how far he'd run, but in his panic at getting caught he'd overexerted himself. His lungs stopped working and his legs gave way, his body exhausted by so much more than just running. Breathing heavily, he leaned against a tree and looked back in the direction he'd come from.
He'd seen that strange transformation before, but it amazed him every time, made him feel small and common.
And suddenly he knew what had been bothering him.
Cursing, he slammed his head to the trunk of the tree and closed his eyes. Damn them! Damn that idiot! And damn himself!
Because now he knew he'd be seeing them again.
Little did he really understand why, he just knew that he would.
He had to. And he knew he'd be the one to seek them out.
Because his best friend was killing himself.
The stone floor hit him back hard when he fell. He'd remembered too much. It was so much simpler when he didn't have to think or feel or know. They'd taken it all from him. They'd blessed him with ignorance and like a petulant child; he'd thrown it back in their faces.
In his mind's eye, he replayed his return to sound. He'd been half dead, so weary from the pain that he couldn't even put up a fight when Kabuto carried him back.
"Well, Sasuke-kun," the man had said, "I hope you enjoyed your little adventure. Because it's the last one you'll ever have."
He was so out of it, that he was barely aware of what was happening until it was over. Like a rag doll, he was tossed to the floor, that self-important lapdog looming over him. Had he been conscious enough, he would have had the sense to be disturbed by the malicious glint in Kabuto's eyes. But then the medic-nin leaned over and placed his hands down, performing a jutsu the teen didn't recognize.
And the pain came.
And Sasuke screamed.
Screamed like he had when his brother had forced him to relive that awful night until he broke. Primal, desperate, he screamed. Because it was the excruciating pain of having everything ripped from you in one cruel motion, because he knew he was losing so much more than his freedom.
When he'd finally awoken, it was here, in the darkness he'd once chosen. And as he lay alone and in those shadows, for the first time he truly realized what that meant.
Because he was a boy who only remembers, all he had was his past. So that past had teased him over and over, never letting go, never letting him move on. And when he lay there without sense, without hope, as every goal and mission and dream was turned to dust, he saw. In the absolute darkness, when he knew everything was gone, his eyes were finally open. Perhaps it was because he'd failed, or perhaps it was because he now had nothing left to hate or hold onto. Or perhaps it was simply because it was so dark and empty. He didn't know.
But he saw.
It was a strange thing, this sudden knowledge. Maybe he'd had to go through all this just to see the truth. He couldn't move forward, couldn't face reality not because of some vow or some vengeance or some tragic night from his past. He couldn't move forward simply because he couldn't move forward, he just didn't know how to. Because the only thing he knew how to do was remember. His was a life of no present, no future; his entirety of being relied only on the what-had-been.
And so he had let his memories hold him. And now, as they taunted and tortured him, he finally understood why. All for the simple reason that he'd never mourned. Oh, he'd cried on that long ago night, cried as he ran, and cried as he begged to be spared, not knowing the request was a life sentence. But he'd never mourned. Once the dust had settled and the sun had risen, he gone straight from survival to vengeance, locking away his heart, denying himself the chance to honestly grieve. And because he'd denied himself the time, he'd denied himself the ability. And so he could never move forward. He'd never gotten over what had happened, never learned to deal, never learned to accept that life simply goes on. He'd trapped himself in his past, each new one adding to the last until only a series of regrets remained. And there were so many things that he now regretted, from his failure that night to the time he'd left Konoha behind even to the events of this day. No matter how much he wanted it to, the past wouldn't let him go, and he couldn't let go of it. All because he'd never learned how to mourn.
And because he didn't known how, he didn't known why.
Except now he understood. And that somehow made it worse.
Because the only thing he could mourn over now was himself.
tbc . . .