A/N: My first ever fanfiction. I'm so excited…ok not really. Actually I'm a little scared that it will turn out incredibly badly. But hey, no points for not trying right?…Or something to that extent.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, or any enclosed…things whatever you call them, anyway it's not mine.

Chapter 1: Canon As We Know It Goes 'Boink!'

Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy pretty. In fact, she was so pretty that people were torn between hating her since she was an evil, unnaturally perfect, and horrible creature, and adoring her because of her evil, unnatural, and horrible, perfection powers.

Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was very obesessed with the Lord of the Rings movies. Not the books, since she was simply too dumb to be able to read them, and also they were so heavy that picking them up might've broken her unnaturally slender arms. That or she might've gotten a 'gasp!' paper cut on her unnaturally fair and delicate skin from turning the pages.

Anyway, this girl, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname, had the stereotypical long blonde hair that fell to her ankles in shimmering waves of different but artistic shades of yellow and gold, her eyes were a bright vibrant sapphire blue that also had some light green, and shiny silver in them. Her face was perfectly formed and her figure put hourglasses to shame.

She wore expensive pink silk dresses because anything less soft than silk might make her skin rough. Oh the horror of that thought tormented her night after night as she tossed and turned in her pink silk pajamas under her pink silk bed sheets and pink silk comforter in her pink silk canopy bed in her big pink room in her family's mansion, which was, tragically, not pink. You can see how awful her life isn't (except from her view).

Getting back to whatever plot this hopeless story might have now…

One bright and sunny day, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was walking through a forest that was conveniently located behind her house.

"Oh woe is me." She said in a sad overly melodramatic, not to mention melodic, voice. "For soon I shall have to go back to school, where I have no friends since all the girls are so jealous of me and all the boys are so shy and nervous, and I shall have to carry my oh so heavy pink silk backpack day after day. And sit in a small stuffy classroom and actually hurt my poor beautiful head trying in vain to think." For although she received straight A's for some unknown Mary-Sue reason, this repulsive girl was incredibly empty-headed.

Tears slipped down her unnaturally pretty face seemingly in slow motion for added drama.

"Oh how I wish I could live in the world of Legolas, for I bet that I could get him to fall in love with me. And I would not have to go to school." Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname said. When she opened her eyes slowly for more drama, she was shocked to find herself in Middle Earth! Don't ask how she got there, or how she knew she was there, it's just more of those mysteries of the Mary-Sues.

Anyway, due to her evil and unnatural (notice how many times that word appears in this story?) Mary-Sue attractive male radar power, Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname quickly located Legolas. Who was conveniently alone, and conveniently on his way to Rivendell.

Needless to say when our poor unfortunate elf prince saw the horrible Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname and her awful Mary-Sue powers began to work on him, Legolas thought (or was forced by evil powers to think) that Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname was beautiful.

"Hello!" The awful beast said.

"Hello!" Legolas said, because this is a Mary-Sue we're talking about and she completely mutilates all forms of canon.

"Are you going to that place with Elrond?" Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname asked. Legolas nodded.

"Yes, milady, I am. You may come too, I am sure Elrond will not mind." And so they started off together. Nevermind that Legolas wasn't moving a moment before and probably had a reason for it. Nevermind that that he didn't even know the name let alone the intent of this strange girl who had appeared out of nowhere. And nevermind that Rivendell was supposed to be several days off, but they got there in a few minutes and Legolas for some reason miraculously knew Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname's name, yes the whole long stupid thing.

No, nevermind any of that, because Sparklina Jasmina Maria Theodora Honoria Pinkina Angelina Susanna Prettiname is a Mary-Sue, and when a Mary-Sue is involved, all those things seem to just happen and everyone except those reading (and in this case writing as well) seem to have no problems with it whatsoever.

tbc…

A/N: Well, that's the first chapter. I hope you hated it as much as I did. Next up, the Mary-Sue attends the Council of Elrond, which is mortifyingly twisted due to her presence, joins the Fellowship, ruins more plotlineness and begins her 'courtship' with Legolas.