Title: Idle Hands
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye - uh, sort of
Rating: NC17 definitely - chock full o' bad words and slashy sexual situations
Disclaimer: Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.
Archive: Anywhere...just let me know.
Feedback: Would be, like, totally awesome!
Summary: Idle hands are the devil's tools...

A/N: This is an answer to my fic challenge. I didn't exactly follow all the rules. Bad me. This is another PWP...completely smutty fic. If you don't like that sort of thing...don't read it. I don't think it's particularly OOC...but maybe. Oh, and that noose that we use to suspend disbelief...pull that puppy out! No beta...any errors are mine, and I apologize for them.

The challenge was:

1) Use the following lines in the fic: "You want me to put what where?" and "I know you're using me...I like it."
2) The fic must take place 1/2 in the Swamp and 1/2 in the mess tent.
3) Frank and/or Margaret have to be mentioned at least once.
4) Someone has to be drunk (a stretch...I know.).

You decide how well I did...

"You want me to put what where?" BJ looks at me as if I've grown a second head.

"I'll explain once again, my dense friend. You put your head between my legs, then you stand up. When you do this, I will be sitting on your shoulders. I need to be on your shoulders so I can reach that." I point to the whitish-gray spots splattered near the top of the tent.

"You know, this is all your fault."

"My fault?"

"This...competition...was your idea."

"I didn't see you saying no."

"Peer pressure."

"Really."

Too much gin?"

"I didn't see anyone holding you down and forcing you to swallow that gin, BJ."

"Why do I have to hold you? Maybe I should sit on your shoulders..."

"First of all, you outweigh me by, like, 30 pounds."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Secondly...I forgot what secondly was. Just bend over and stick your head between my legs!"

"I never do that on a first date."

"If Frank comes back before we get rid of this stuff, I'm going to tell him that you were fantasizing about him and couldn't control yourself."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, wouldn't I?"

BJ finally caves and bends over. I grab a handful of tissues and climb onto his shoulders. As I wipe away the evidence of our...game...I smile.

"How much of Frank's DNA do you think is spread around this place?"

"I'm sure I don't know."

"I can almost guarantee that he and Margaret have had their little meetings on that cot more than once."

"Hawk...if you mention Frank's...DNA...ever again, I won't play with you anymore."

"Yes you will."

"What makes you so sure."

"I'm very intelligent."

Most people around here don't really know BJ. They think he's the quiet one in our duo. The more serious one. The one who wants to be in the background while that crazy Hawkeye takes the stage.

What a joke.

BJ...quiet, background BJ is almost worse than I am. He's just sneaky about it. That's why no one knows. He is so competitive that it's almost scary. Give him a challenge...and he's yours. And, boy is he a sucker when it comes to me. All I have to do is say "boo" and I can get him to do just about anything.

Take tonight, for example.

We were sitting in the officer's club drinking. Eventually, the subject of sex came up, as it usually does. BJ started bragging about his 'endurance'. How happy Peg was about it.

"Yeah, well, I've never had any complaints about my stamina either, pal." I gesture at him with my drink. "I've sent many-a-woman home happy."

"If you say so, Hawk."

"You don't believe me?"

"Of course I do."

Damn BJ and that stupid, snide smile of his!

"You don't know anything."

"Nope."

"For all I know, you're lying."

"Maybe. But, you could be lying, too, Hawk."

"Would you like me to prove it?" Well, that certainly slapped the smile from my friend's face, didn't it?

"What, may I ask, are you suggesting?" And there was the look I was waiting for. The expression I needed to see from him.

BJ was being challenged. He's all mine now.

"Let's go back to the Swamp."

"I suggest a competition. Mano a mano. Whoever lasts longest, wins."

"What if Frank walks in and sees us...uh...hand over hard-on at work?"

"He's in post-op for at least another hour."

"What if I need longer than an hour?"

"Doubtful."

"Don't be so confident, Hawk. It's unbecoming of you."

I pour two martinis and hand one to BJ.

"A toast. May the best man win."

"Here here!"

We finish our drinks and retire to our respective cots. I glance over and see BJ yanking down his shorts. I do the same.

"Ready?"

"Set?"

"Go!" I shout and wrap my hand around myself. I realize, rather quickly, that I am in very big trouble. Nothing was happening.

Images of nurses, movie starlets, and skin-mag girls dance through my head. I have no reaction to them whatsoever. Shit!

"Damnit!" BJ's soft curse rings in my ears.

"Everything going as planned over there, Beej?"

"Not exactly. You?"

"Nothing."

"Too drunk?"

"Never been an issue before."

"Me either."

"You thinkin' of Peg?"

"Yep? What about you?"

"No, not Peg. Everyone else's wife, though." BJ laughs at my pathetically obvious joke.

"Any ideas?"

"Maybe..."

"Care to share with the rest of the class?"

"We could...uh," I glance over at him. "Help each other get started." I expect to see shock in his eyes. What I actually see is the exact opposite of that.

"Okay."

Did BJ just say okay? Yes, he did.

"Really?"

"Why not?"

"You don't think it's cheating on Peg?"

"No."

That answer was not the one I was expecting from him.

"So you don't mind me using you?"

"No. Not when I know you're using me." He pauses and wiggles his eyebrows up and down. "I like it. Besides, I'm using you too. We're even."

I stand and walk over to BJ's cot. He sits up and holds out his hand to me. I grab it and he pulls me down next to him. Before I can say anything, BJ has his hand in my hair and his lips pressing firmly against mine.

My reaction is immediate. I feel heat rush into my groin and my dick jumps to attention.

BJ rolls me onto my back and slides his body on top of me. I open my mouth to take a quick breath, but BJ takes it as an invitation to slip his tongue between my teeth.

I gasp in his mouth. I can feel his naked penis rubbing up against mine. I snake my fingers into his hair and pull him deeper into the kiss. The feel of him, slick with sweat, pulsing against me drives me quickly to the edge.

"Beeeeeeeejaaaaaaaaaaay," I moan into his mouth and push him over onto his back. We reach for each other and begin to pump rapidly.

Within a matter of seconds, it's over.

And there's a mess...everywhere.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"Hey. You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"No, but I'm more than happy to kiss you with it again."

"You sound so dirty when you swear, Beej."

"I know you like it."

"I do."

We both laugh and take a few seconds to calm down.

"So?"

"So...what?"

"Who's the winner, Hawk?"

"Oh, I'd say we both won, wouldn't you?"

"True." BJ inhales deeply and sits up. "We should get up and clean up."

"What's the rush?"

"Frank's gonna be coming..."

"Appropriate phrasing."

"Seriously, Hawk."

"Okay. Help me up."

"Would you look at this mess."

"That," I say, pointing upward. "Is impressive...but unfortunate."

"How are we going to clean up there."

I smirk at him.

"I have an idea..."

So here I am, sitting on BJ's shoulders, trying to wipe the fruits of our efforts off of the ceiling. Which is almost impossible because BJ is shaking so bad that I'm almost afraid he's having convulsions.

"Jesus, Hawk! You been eating bricks or something? You weigh a ton!"

"I'm finished. You can put me down now."

"There is a God!"

"Quiet, tubby."

"Watch what you say up there, slick. I've still got my head between your legs and your life in my hands."

As if on cue, Frank comes barreling into the Swamp and crashes directly into the two of us. BJ loses his footing and I'm flying through the air. I somehow manage to land on my feet, but wind up tumbling backward onto Frank's cot.

"What on Earth were you two doing in here?"

"Uh..." I glance at BJ and he's already holding back his laughter. "Getting rid of some spiderwebs."

"Yeah, we know how afraid of spiders you are, Frank."

"I am not."

"Okay, well, whatever you say." I do a quick once-over of the tent.

BJ grabs me by the elbow just as my eyes sweep across a missed spot. On Frank's cot. it must have been on my hand when I landed there.

"Hungry, Hawk?"

"Famished."

"Yeah, me too. De-spiderwebbing is hard work. Makes a man hungry."

"Yep."

"Let's get out of here."

"See ya, Frank."

We leave the tent. A scream comes moments later. We stop in our tracks.

"Oh my God! What in the world is this on my cot?"

BJ and I laugh all the way to the mess tent.

The End