"Regis, you're spitting in my face"
"Well, any ways, here we have, all the way from the remote Mineral Town, please welcome, FARMERRR JACK"
"Regis, spit"
"Oh, sorry. Anyways, Jack, welcome to da show! Glad to have ya here"
"I'm glad to be here, too, Regis"
"So tell us, Jack, whats it like bein' a farmer"
"Well, it's like being an insurance salesperson, only with more cow patties"
"HOOO-WAAA-HAAA-HAA-HAA-HAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA---HAAAAAA! HAA-HEE-HAA-HAA-HA-HEEEHA-HA HA"
Regis slumped over the table.
"HEY! WE NEED A MEDIC!" Jack shouted.
An ER worker rushed out, dragging a machine behind him.
"CLEAR!" -ZATTTTTTT-
Regis sat up. "Thanks, Larry." Jack said.
"Happens all the time." Larry said, packing up the machine.
"OK, let's get started! Jack, anything you'd like to say before we die- FRY"
"Uh, yeah, I'd like to give a shout-out to my friends in the stands. Rick, Kai, Gray, Cliff! Stand up"
They stood up and the crowd cheered.
"Yep. The "Good ol' Boys" of Mineral Town. My Rat Pack." Jack said.
"OK, Jack, den, let's git started"
The lights did that thing they do and glared down at Jack and the weird music played.
"OK, Jack, our topic tonight is-
"Wait. You never have a topic." Jack said.
"FIX! FIX! FIX!" Kai chanted, jumping up. Rick dragged him back to his seat.
"Well, we do tonight. Any way," Regis said.
The lights did that thing again.
"Do you do that just to freak the contestants out"
"Smart boy, this one is. You'll do good here, Jack"
"Ah, I bet you say that to all the competitors-
"You're right, I do. So, any way-
TONIGHT'S FIRST QUESTION"
Lightning crashed in the studio. Everyone turned around, like a head version of the Wave.
"JOE! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO FIX THAT SPECIAL EFFECTS THING!" Regis yelled.
"Ah, what the hell, OK Jack, your first question is regarding the Harvest Moon video game series. Now, WHAT is the NAME of "Harvest Moon" in JAPENESE"
A- Bokujou Monogatari B- Harvest Moon C- Harvits Munna D- A jar of Almonds Jack looked around nervously. "Uh, I think, umm, A"
"Is that your final answer"
"Um, yes"
"I SAID IS THAT YA FIYNIL ANSWER!" Regis shouted, leaning directly into Jack's face.
He drew back his head and said, "Sorry Jack, I love to do that to the youngin's"
"Um, yes sir"
""A" was it"
"Yes sir, Mister Philbin"
"OK, well, Jack, I'm sorry to say…
Jack slumped under his hat.
"THAT YOU JUST GOT THE FIRST QUESTION RIGHT"
The crowd cheered, The Rat Pack the loudest of all.
Jack looked relieved.
"OK, buddy boy, that's good, that's good, any idiot can get the first one right, anyway, THE NEXT QUESTION!" Regis thundered, and the lights did that thing.
"OK, Jack, your next question,
WHERE in the PRODUCE FARM in A WONDERFUL LIFE is CELIA'S diary"
A- Under her bed B- In the Plant thing that no one actually knows what it is because Natsume is to lazy to tell us C-On the table D- In a jar of Almonds
Jack hunkered down as if he wanted to disappear. "Um, can I phone a friend"
"SURE, BUDDY BOY! Now, who'dja like ta call"
"My buddy Marlin in Forget-Me-Not Valley"
'OK"
-rrrrrring- rrrrrring-
"Hello"
"Marlin, it's me, Jack"
"JACK! DIDN'T I TELL YOU I'D KILL YOU IF I EVER HEARD YOU AGAIN"
"Marlin, what are you-
"DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOU AND CELIA DID LAST TIME YOU VISITED, YOU DIRTY FLEA-BAG"
"Marlin, I told you, I didn't-
"AND THEN YOU AND MUFFY-
"MARLIN! I'M ON 'WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONARE' AND YOURE ON NATIONAL TELIVISION"
The line went silent for a minute.
"AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME UP NOW AND-
"Marlin! Please! Tell me where Celia's diary and I'll give you whatever I win!
"I'LL TELL YA WHERE IT IS! I'M GONNA SHOVE IT UP YOUR-
"OK!" Regis said, and the line went dead.
"Thanks, Regis"
"Don't mention it, boy. We get hate-mail worse than that"
"Well, Regis, I'm gonna say,.. A"
Regis leaned forward, and Jack clapped his hand over Regis's mouth. And that's my final answer"
Suddenly, the phone rang. Regis picked it up. "Hallo"
"JACK!" a girl shouted.
"It's for you." Regis said, handing him the phone.
"Hello"
"Jack, this is Mary"
"Oh Hi, Muffin! What's on your mind"
"I was watching you on the Millionaire Show"
"Yes"
"What exactly happened between you and Celia"
Regis grabbed the phone. "He'll have to call ya back, Sweetie"
"DON'T TELL ME THAT, YOU STEROID PUMPING-
Regis hung up the phone and cut the phone line.
"Thanks again, Regis"
"Right. When you win your money, I suggest you hop a plane to Tahiti and hope to God she doesn't follow you there." Regis said.
"HEY GRAY!" Jack called up into the grandstand.
"YEAH"
"MARY IS YOURS"
"YA-HOOO!" Gray shouted, and ran out the stadium doors.
Regis muttered, "I love my job"
----------------------------------------------------------------
"OK, Jack you're on your tenth question. Now, WHAT exactly IS Mukumuku"
Jack started to sweat profusely.
Rick and Cliff came running down from the stands with a bucket of water, rushed up to Jack, raised the bucket over his head, and dumped the bucket on him.
Jack glared through his ballcap. "Thanks, guys"
They nodded, and disappeared back into the crowd, bucket in tow.
Regis started to laugh, and konked out on the table again, and Larry come running in and zapped him again.
"OK, Jack! Answer away, pal"
Jack started to panic. "Um, can I get a fifty/fifty"
"Sure! We'll delete two of the answers." Regis said, and two of the answers disappeared.
Left were:
A- A jungle rodent
D- A jar of Almonds
Jack sweated, despite his drenching.
Cliff and Rick came running with another bucket of water, but the security stopped them.
"I, I know… this doesn't seem right, but… D, a jar of Almonds." Jack said, unsure.
"Final answer"
The crowd gasped.
"Jack… It's a real shame.." Regis said, looking at the floor.
Jack put his hand over his eyes as Regis put an arm around the farmer. "It's a real shame…
….BECAUSE YOU JUST ANSWERED CORRECTLY AND YOU'VE WON A MILLION DOLLARS ON THE MILLIONARE SHOW"
Jack nearly passed out.
The Rat Pack hi-fived and whooped and hollered above the roar of the crowd.
"…You just have to answer.. One question"
The juice drained from Jack's face.
"And the question is…
WHAT famous person is THE MOLE on Popori's NECK shaped like"
The Rat Pack gasped.
Jack's eyes got as big as the hole in Kerry's past.
"Well.. I.. ah.. You see it's… Aren't these questions multiple choice"
"Not this one. We have a theme on this episode, and the last question isn't multiple choice"
Jack started to sweat again, yet there was no bucket of water.
Rick clenched his fist and glared. He'd better not answer that question.
Jack looked at his friend's steady glare. If looks could kill, Jack would be on a platter with a cheese ball in his mouth, fried to a golden brown.
He stuttered, "Can.. Can I drop out now"
"Nope. If you drop out now, you lose the million"
Jack looked back at his friends Kai and Rick as they gave him the evil eye.
Was a million dollars really worth his two dearest friends?
Would he really throw away his alliance with the Rat Pack for material possessions like money?
".. Morey Amsterdam." he said, grudgingly.
"SO THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU SAID YOU'D WALK HER HOME!"
Kai screamed, and flew down from the stands and wrestled Jack to the ground
He slugged Jack in the chin and again in the stomach.
"Whoa, guys! Calm down! Wrestling isn't until Monday nights!" Regis said, enjoying himself in spite of himself.
Suddenly, the doors burst open, and an angry girl came in.
"STOP!" she shouted, crossing her arms over her chest.
"KAREN!" Jack said through a mouthful of broken teeth. Kai stopped in mid-punch.
"Oh no!" Rick said.
The crowd gasped. This was gonna be better than they thought.
Kai smiled sinisterly as Karen marched up to Jack. He smiled at her, black eye and all.
"Karen, I can-
"YOU TWO-TIMING SWINE!" she yelled, and slapped Jack across the mouth.
The audience was silent as Karen walked out of the studio silently, huffing curses under her breath.
Rick turned to face Jack.
"Lemme get this straight. You defile my sister, AND YOU STEAL MY GIRL FRIEND"
He ripped off his apron and rolled up his sleeves.
"YOU'RE GOIN' DOOOWN, SLEAZE BAG!" he shouted, and wrestled Jack to the wall.
Rick held Jack's arms while Kai slugged Jack in the gut.
Jack fell to the ground and Rick let loose a good few kicks to Jack's side.
"And so ends another episode of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Good night, everybody"
Jack cut off the TV with his free hand.
"I can't believe the network took my money because you idiots beat me up on National television"
Kai pinched Jack's left leg, which was fitted on a splint.
"OW! When my bones knit, you are both dead!" Jack yelled, cradling his broken arm.
"Well, at least you'll always have your Rat Pack!" Rick said. Yes, in the spirit of making this story
child-friendly, the guys forgave him for being an idiot on TV.
"Yeah. You guys are a lot better than some ol' check from Regis Philbin.." Jack said, really meaning it.
"Promise we'll never do anything like this again?" Kai asked.
"Promise!" Jack said. He turned to Rick.
Rick was about to answer, until a lady stuck her head through the door.
"Is there a 'Rick' in this room?" she asked.
"That's me"
"Congratulations! You have been selected to appear on 'Jeopardy'!" she said happily.
Rick looked at his Rat Pack. Kai scowled, and shoved the lady's head back out the door.
"Thank you, Kai."
(Oh boy, I just see that as a fan fiction…) THE END