That Night

"AAIIEEEEE! Oh god, what is that! Help! Oh FRACK, who put that in here? Get it out! Get it OUT! Mission save me! This not funny Mission Vao, not even slightly! Who put the gizka in my bed!" Bastila squealed loudly. Her uncharacteristic shrieking drew the entire crew, including the droids, T3, who was running a lap of the ship, and HK, who was hoping to see some violence.

By the time they had arrived, Mission had rescued and resuscitated the unfortunate gizka involved. Bastila sat on her bed, quivering in her cotton nightie, her face aghast. She gathered the resolve to ask a question of the crowd in the doorway with a modicum of dignity. "Who did this?"

One of the eight faces beamed victoriously and stepped forward. Carth proceeded to say three of the bravest and dumbest words he could utter to an angry female Jedi. "I did it."

"Carth Onasi!" Bastila stormed from the bed and charged the pilot furiously. The crowd scrambled and diffused. Juhani and Mission left the bunkroom hastily, following Zaalbar to the common room with blankets and pillows in hand.

Garage

"Oh man, her face that was priceless! I wish I had been there when she got into bed." Pol chuckled as she wriggled back under the blankets. "I wish I had known! I would have T3 shoot a holovid of the whole thing. I am so proud of Carth. Did you set him up to that?"

"I may have suggested something but if he took my advice I am disappointed, it was too predictable. He really could have put more thought into it than that." Canderous quipped as he belted a pillow.

"What would you have done?" Pol asked, rolling onto her side.

"I don't know… Does it have to be a gizka gag?" Canderous dropped his head to the pillow thoughtfully and laced his fingers behind his neck.

"Yeah!" Pol said, propping herself up on one elbow.

"Hmm, then I would probably have thrown it in the shower with you." A wolfish grin spread from his grey eyes to the corners of his mouth. Unable to resist, Pol traced the line with her finger. Canderous bared his teeth suddenly and made as if to bite it. Pol was startled by the action and pulled her hand away laughing.

"Don't be chewing my hand off, you Gamorrean sandal fancier! So the old gizka in the refresher trick, eh? And why is that better?" Pol asked.

"Well, the end result is screaming naked female, and if I am going to be attacked for my troubles…" Canderous caught Pol lazily and drew her in close. Pol swept her mouth over his teasingly, savoring the look of dissatisfaction in the Mandalorian's grey eyes. He took her face in his hands and bought her mouth to his resolutely.

HK-47 completed his circuit of the Ebon Hawk arriving back in the swoop hanger in time to hear Canderous's last comment. Pol had designed and installed a program she liked to call "MAN OFF" it was a sleazebag deterrent protocol that she had coined years ago.

HK had taken the liberty of re designated it: 'In case of an unwelcome advance from meatbag outside of safe-list designation'. Names aside, the program came online again when Droid and Master were reunited. Canderous' proximity and use of the terms naked and female in the presence of his Master triggered the MAN OFF program for the fourth time that evening.

Unfortunately, Pol had completely forgotten about many of the droid's codes of behavior, and this was one of them. This aspect of the droids programming had been causing havoc for Pol's favorite profanity spouting and exclusively tactile Mandalorian. HK had already made several unsolicited threats of grievous bodily harm against Canderous before Pol remembered the cause.

"Threat: Unhand the Master, meatbag, or the sentients of Anchorhead will be picking your shattered carcass out of their Ronto stew for weeks." Pol held close to Canderous, knowing the droid would do no such thing without authorization or at least a clear shot.

"HK, stand down!" Pol ordered sternly.

"What the frack? AGAIN! What's with this hunk of junk?" Canderous glared at the droid.

"Placating protestation: But Master, this meatbag is violating…"

"How many times do I have to say this? I don't care. I want him to violate. Now for the last time, piss off you stupid droid!"

"Qualification: Master, I have orders…"

Canderous yelled, "And now you have new ones. You heard your Master, get out!"

"HK-47, go stand guard by the door." Pol commanded. HK obediently shuffled out of the swoop hanger and stood guard behind the doorway.

"Now, where were we?" Pol asked. Canderous slid his hands over her shoulders.

"I think we were up to you attacking me without a stitch on." He murmured as he kissed her neck.

HK sprang into action, rounding the doorway with his blaster at the ready. "Propitious request: May I eradicate the offensive meatbag now, Master?"

"NO!" Pol cried, "HK, what's gotten into you? Do you have sand in your circuits?"

"Explanation: Master, I am merely obeying orders."

I need to think this through like a droid if I'm to get to the bottom of this…Or think like Revan… "From who?" Pol asked.

"Condescending clarification: Why, from you, Master." The assassin droid lowered his weapon.

Duh, of course they are! Now, what did I tell him to do? . Pol wracked her brain for a minute. Canderous glared at HK and then looked on Pol suspiciously. Pol caught his gaze. "I'm trying to think…I didn't tell him to threaten you, I swear!"

"Good, 'cause this isn't funny anymore, Champ," Canderous scowled.

"Vindication: But Master, you did." HK intoned.

Pol delved into Revan's mindscape, cautiously and was rewarded. Her tone was the Revan of old, it was cool and tight when she asked, "HK, what protocols are you following that override the order I gave you to stand guard just now? What code of conduct permits you to terrorize this man without my direct order?"

"Qualification: The unwanted advances from undesirable meatbags protocol known as MAN OFF states explicitly that this HK unit is to threaten and with permission annihilate all meatbags making advances within the set parameters, against the Master's person. Excluding meatbags that are designated safe. Delighted observation: Master! My scans indicate you are feeling more your old self!"

"Huh? Wait, who's on the safe list?" Canderous demanded jealously.

"Answer: Not you, meatbag!" HK took aim reflexively.

Pol pushed Revan from her mind and strove for control of her conscious thought and her reckless droid. "HK, stand down. Ok…MAN OFF… I remember it now. Out of curiosity… Who is on my safe list?" Cripes I better not let that happen too often without Juhani close by.

"Recitation: Number of organics designated safe Zero."

"No one is on my safe list. Ha-ha, that doesn't surprise me." Pol covered her laugh with the back of her hand.

"No wonder Revan never got any." Canderous teased.

"Do you want to be on my safe list?" Pol delivered her warning deadpan with one raised eyebrow, in the Jedi Master fashion. The hint of a smile played on her lips, but she was still a little ticked off.

"Yeah," Canderous replied gruffly. Pol continued to stare. Canderous swallowed hard, oops. He appealed with apologetic humility, "Uh…Polly?"

Pol rolled her eyes and relented. "Add Canderous to the safe list."

"Fervent Plea: Master, must I?"

"Yes, you must. And while you're at it, I want you to add Mission Vao, Bastila Shan, and Juhani to your guard list. Safe lists for the three of them to follow…"

Canderous stared up at the ceiling of the swoop hanger, fracking crazy droids.

Cantina

Juhani, Bastila, Jolee, Pol, HK, and Canderous left the hawk together before dawn; they crossed empty streets at a brisk pace. Juhani and Bastila parted ways with them in the town square, heading out in search of the Star Map.

When the female Jedi were out of sight, Jolee turned to his companions. "I don't know about you kid's, but the synth food is rubbish and I'm starved. How 'bout we stop and grab a bite at the cantina on our way out?" He suggested, pointing to the ever-open Anchorhead tavern. The thought of real food held great appeal after the lengthy voyage to Tatooine.

"We don't have a lot of time to spare," Pol considered the idea responsibly.

"Statement: Master, I exist only to serve. Query: Would you like me to meet your nutritional requirements?" The droid awaited a response, stoically keeping pace with the humans.

Pol laughed, her inside knowledge of the droids chassis added a moldy humor to the offer. "Oh, please don't." She was amazed that her secret supply of rations had remained undetected despite the various tinkering of HK's numerous owners. She figured the cache must have remained for HK to have made such an offer, though its nutritional value would have been questionable after all that time.

"He can do that?" Jolee looked at HK, his mouth twisted with revulsion.

"Err, let's just say you don't want to know where a droid keeps his sandwiches. We may as well stop since we will have to break out on the dunes to eat anyways."

The doors swung open to reveal the dimly lit interior that Jolee had familiarized himself with the day before. Canderous stalked to the counter with Jolee, who placed their order. Pol took a seat, and HK stood at attention behind her. Within moments, she was approached by Tanis Venn.

"So, you like droids, eh pretty lady?" He pointed to Pol's red, gun-toting, mechanical companion. "I hunt with a few of them myself. You come here often?"

I can't believe I am hearing this. "You hunt with droids? That isn't very sporting."

"Heh, you're beautiful but not too bright. It's a hard living on Tatooine I take every advantage I get." Tanis intimated as he ogled Pol's chest.

HK interjected "Query: Master, is this meat bag irritating you sufficiently yet?"

"That you have to ask says he isn't. HK, go on stand-by." Pol ignored the implication in the hunter's advances. She took to moral high ground and kept him talking with a view to drilling the man on the possible whereabouts of the Star Map. "But you would have to make more kills to cover your overheads, surely."

"I guess." Tanis nodded and pointed to a seat. "Mind if I sit down?"

The request stimulated HK's 'unwelcome advances' response. "Threat: Mind if I blow you to bits, meatbag?"

"HK shut down program: MAN OFF, and then go offline. Sorry about my droid, mind if I ask you a few questions?" Pol countered.

"Sure, anything for a pretty face. What can Tanis do for you?" Tanis eyed HK warily as he took a seat.

"I'm looking for something—" Pol was cut off mid sentence by the hunter.

"Well aren't we all? If it's a good time you're looking for, I'm your man…" Canderous crossed the space between the counter and Pol's table in seconds, seizing Tanis Venn before the hunter could continue, and wrenched him out of his seat.

"No, I believe that would be me." The Mandalorian stated with authority as he deposited Tanis on the cantina floor. He gave him a kick for measure and claimed the newly vacated seat. "Now why didn't HK catch that one?" He asked Pol with a bemused, but slightly accusatory, look as he leaned his elbows on the table.

At the sound of his appellation, HK went online. "Dissatisfied vindication: Canderous, while I would have dearly loved to eviscerate the offending meatbag, my efforts were thwarted by the Master. Query: Master, may I resume regular function again?"

"Yes HK. I was trying to ask him about the Tuskan Raiders." Pol sighed and looked at the swinging cantina doors; Tanis had managed to escape relatively unscathed.

Jolee joined them, juggling a tray of food and a jug of caffa. "Whatchoo kids doing now hmm? Bullying the locals? Bah, there's no call for that. Now, eat up before it gets any hotter, and then let's get on the road."