Ebon Hawk
Juhani spoke succinctly the faint glimmer of her pearlescent incisors reflecting the artificial lighting like diamonds. "We have located the Star Map. We should prepare to leave presently." Bastila nodded in concurrence.
"I hate to break it to you but there is the small problem of the fuel bill. We can't leave till it's settled," Carth winced and handed the invoice past Bastila, to Jolee. The Ex Jedi accepted it.
"Tch inflation, gas hikes, gizka infestations, wayward Jedi – not you Juhani- bad food and street theatre. I was better off on Kashyyyk." Behind the joke, Jolee cast a stern but not unkind look towards Bastila. She had been behaving oddly since the gizka episode and had become quite sullen. Jolee wondered if her mood shift was due to her link with Pol. The porcelain beauty flushed lightly and a quick glance about the common room told them both that only Jolee had noticed.
Jolee looked at Pol. She spoke rapidly and seemed distracted, as always but cheerily so. Jolee saw the play for what it really was; a mottled camouflage for her apprehension. He pondered the cause of her anxiety as she spoke.
"It's not too late to drop you back there old man!" Pol laughed. She glanced at Canderous. He was seated leaning elbows to knees; hands clasped and pressed against his forehead, chin down staring at his boots. His hair was messed up, a sure sign to Pol that he had been 'thinking'.
"Trying to be rid of me already kids?" Jolee laughed, one look at Canderous told him why Pol was worried.
"Did you only just notice? Sensitive soul aint you?" Pol gave him a wink, "Well there's still swoop racing for credits, but the circuit doesn't open till noon. What do you think boss?" Perfect that should stall them for you Chief. Bet you're glad you fixed my bike now.
Bastila gave her consent, "Very well. You can race, but only because I don't see any easier way to earn the credits quickly."
Bastila may not have seen an easier way to earn credits quickly, but Mission did. Mission held up her hand ready to volunteer her 'alternative' solution to the credit crisis. Juhani silenced her with a look. Mission let her hand fall to her lap again. A second chastising look from Juhani and she decided it would be best to sit on them.
Carth pitched in, "They're still open for a couple more hours today, we could have you on the track for the next race."
Pol blanched, ah nuts I need more time than that. "They're almost done for the day Carth and quite frankly so am I. I can't race tonight I'm shattered from running about in this heat."
"Fair enough Pol," the pilot nodded in understanding, "Just give me a yell at first light and we'll get your bike over in the morning so you can make the opening time trials at noon."
Ah crap that's no good either. Pol back peddled. Oh Canderous, just tell them about the duel you big lug. "Ok, I uh I have something to do in the morning, I'd really appreciate it if you could get the bike over without me. I'll be there by noon though I swear."
"Fine, Canderous can help me…" Carth looked to the Mandalorian, "hey Cand' you listening?"
His grey head snapped up. "What?"
Pol rescued him. "We have plans, I mean… I need Canderous's help tomorrow morning…" Could someone just help me for once…? Zaalbar you big beautiful blanket!
Zaalbar caught Pol's desperate non verbal plea in his capable paws. (I'll help Carth.) He said.
Carth clapped his hands together. "Good, that's settled then." and left the common room.
Jolee put in his two credits. I wonder what they're up to. "You kids have plans together; now why doesn't that come as a surprise?" He wagged a finger between the scowling Mandalorian and the nervy ex Jedi. If they had anything illegal planned; they weren't talking. Hmm up to no good, and neither of them happy about it.
Jolee had begun to think of himself as the only responsible adult aboard the Hawk. The exchange that had just occurred supported his hypothesis nicely. Due to his retired status, he left the role of most responsible Jedi to Juhani. Juhani streaked ahead of even Bastila, lately, in maturity and commitment to the code. Despite his momentarily limited view of Pol, Jolee was pleasantly surprised when she arrived in his quarters asking for advice on a matter of diplomacy.
Dawn: Dune Sea
They had left early, but Jagi had still beaten them to the site. Canderous wondered if the younger man had slept. He himself had rested uneasily until the early hours when Pol had complained about his wakefulness. "Go to sleep already. I can hear your eyeballs grinding holes through the durasteel." She had grumbled.
Canderous suspected she had done something to him with the Force after that; because despite having only two hours of solid sleep he felt unusually refreshed. Probably shouldn't complain about that at my age.
"Right where he said he'd be." Pol pointed her vibrosword towards the rogue Mandalorian and his companions. She had purposefully left her lightsaber back at the Hawk. Canderous gave a derisive snort.
"I see you bought your pet Jedi, Canderous." Jagi accused.
"I came of my own will." Pol retorted calmly.
"I don't need your excuses Jetii; we all know why he brought you."
Canderous shouted angrily across the sand. "Enough talk Jagi lets do what we came here to do!"
The evening before Pol had dutifully attended the Bindo School for ex Jedi. She recalled her lesson and chose her moment carefully. She tried not to be drawn into the spell of ill humor that had been lingering since the challenge was set. "Calm down both of you. What's this really about?" The words meant almost nothing to her. They lacked conviction and she was surprised to get a response. Old ideas echoed in her head.
Jagi answered her question, but directed his scathing response to Canderous. "What's this about? In the battle of Althir you ordered us to attack the enemy flank, promising us support. When you saw better prospects for yourself you abandoned the plan and left us to die surrounded by enemies!"
She listened as Canderous replied in kind, the wretched calm sneaking over her conscience. "The Althiri were fighting hard. I saw a break in their defenses that left their centre exposed. If I had not done what I did many more warriors would have perished, my actions ended the battle sooner. I stand by my decision!" Canderous was incensed.
"You sent your own men to die there Canderous, the battle still would have been won. You will pay for what you did to us!" Jagi raged.
Frustrated by the cycle of accusations Pol lashed out, skewering what she thought was the crux of the matter with cruel logic. It only took a second for the change in Pol to occur. Her eyes grew cold, her throat constricted, her skin paled and her skeleton welded itself rigid. She felt ten feet tall and imbued with Canderous's vicarious outrage.
When she spoke it was Revan's language that alighted from Pol's mouth. "Listen to yourself Jagi. By your words, this sniveling complaint you prove to be about as Mandalorian as I am. You were strong to survive that assault don't cheapen yourself with this weakness. If Canderous sent you to die it was his right as your commander. Sacrifices are made in war Jagi. Necessary force,"
Canderous was momentarily staggered by Pol's unexpected speech, but recovered quickly "Even an outlander can see your ire is misplaced! I can regret their loss Jagi, they were fine warriors but it was necessary. Mandalore taught us that opportunism and flexibility in battle were to be admired, you may contradict me, but have you sunk so low as to contradict him as well? But this duel goes beyond that, Jagi this is a matter of honor now." Canderous reached for his sword but sheathed it again when he noticed Jagi's face and the direction the young mans blaster was pointing.
Shame scoured the man's facade down to the bare bones of his soul. "No! I…I…I had not seen it that way. I have been wrong; I was not true to the teachings of Mandalore. This is a matter of honor, but the dishonor lies with me Canderous, not with you I see that now. And I shall cleanse the taint on my honor with my life." He held his blaster to his temple and pulled the trigger.
Canderous whispered as the body fell emptily toppling to the windswept dunes. "And so it shall be." As they left Jagi's witnesses to remove the corpse, a ghost of Revan walked by his side.
Space Port
The crew of the Ebon Hawk had been living rough side by side for months and had come to know each other well enough to tell when things weren't right. Despite his inner turmoil over Jagi's suicide, Canderous had noticed something was off about Pol.
The problem was not with the familiar companionable silence they shared, nor the feel of her hand in his. It was her voice and the way she moved. It had occurred to Canderous as he watched her spar with Bastila some weeks ago that Pol did move differently from Revan. His first impression had not been accurate, as time had clouded his memory.
Pol was a warrior at all times… even when she 'made' caffa. He had come to realize she had no natural aptitude for stealth because she had never needed it. She wasn't a klutz, she was a brute. What stealthy technique she had developed over the last months, was from hard won lessons, by his hand.
Revan commanded, she reigned, she didn't make caffa, she didn't wash dishes and she didn't fix galaxies. As Revan she had stormed, charged and crushed her opposition with unfailing confidence. With Pol's history restored she made perfect sense.
The memory was a kinetic one; even before she recalled her past; Pol's body remembered that brutal mentality her mind had forgotten. So in spite of her serenity, good nature and her glib humors, Pol's body raged, pounding purposefully through its environment. Take the most powerful woman in the galaxy, strip away her past and she will still walk like a queen. The effect was a girl both graceful and graceless.
Though it was hard to pick through her silence it was a slight drift in the cadence of her voice that had bothered him the most. She had sounded different on the dunes. She had spoken in basic; so it had not been the strange accent she added to Mando'a. Yet on the dunes she had made her point like a true Mandalorian, something he had always hoped to hear, but the voice she used was not entirely Pol's.
Canderous abandoned the thought and resumed his assessment of Jagi's behavior. He decided that unless Pol spoke he wouldn't be able to solve the riddle, and he wasn't in the mood to talk. They trudged on through the heat haze.
She broke the silence when they neared the spaceport cantina. "Buy you a drink handsome?" She asked like a stranger with a smile that was not quite her own. Canderous left his musings and viewed the woman before him with critical eyes. She stared back, the corner of her mouth curling seductively. Canderous almost surrendered to her, her supreme confidence ensnared him, but there was no warmth to her eyes.
I know who you are, but where's Pol? "You have a race to prepare for." Canderous said each word carefully as though he was speaking to a child. He watched her reaction intently.
"A race," She repeated the words absently and began twisting the hem of her shirt. Pol cleared her mind, releasing the past she had been bearing. Revan was an aspect of herself she had been forced to accept. Accountability for her past actions would have been impossible without recognizing the woman she had been. Jolee, Juhani and Bastila had aided her healing in sessions, under the guise of regular Jedi 'meditation'.
Through guided meditations Pol unpacked her memories diligently and tried to comprehend the mindset that formed them. As she went she scavenged data useful to their assignment, the elimination of Malak and the restoration of the Republic. Amalgamating Revan with Pol was a more personal project one that required momentous healing for both of them.
The fact that she had slipped so easily into her former persona on the Dunes was not Pol's main concern. It was that she has done it before Canderous and without the usual safety net of responsible Force users. Pol would have been hard pressed to find anyone more accepting of her former self than Canderous, but that idea banked its own wealth of worthy concerns.
Foremost had been that, while Canderous admired Revan, Pol was less certain that Revan, not being a Mandalorian, would be kindly disposed towards the foe she had fought so hard to vanquish. The events on the dunes had soothed that apprehension for Pol; Revan seemed to share the same sentiment as Canderous, a healthy regard for a fellow veteran. But Revan's respect for Canderous was almost as frightening as the alternative.
Bastila feared that Canderous would emancipate Revan, the old attitudes and the desire for power. The thought of slipping inexorably back to her old ways sickened Pol, but as much as she hated to admit it Bastila was right. It could be so easy to fall, especially with his support. I won't fall, this can't happen again. I have a race. I hope Bastila is ok; I better get Juhani to have a good look at us. I REALLY want a cigarra….
"Pol?"
"What?" Pol snapped back, but she was still burdened by an old craving.
"What just happened?"
"Sorry, I have flashes sometimes,"
"Flashes?" Oh great. The perfect warrior woman…except she has 'visions' and 'flashes'
"You know moments when I'd rather be called Revan. I guess its sort of …well it's a part of me I miss." Pol mumbled her old name and grinned impishly with the admission.
"Which Revan we talking about? Not that it matters to me, but I'd still like to know."
"The one that kicked your ass in the wars, Mandalorian!" No, not the Sith, but not far from it.
"I though Juhani was supposed to be fixing this… Hmm well if you ever get one of your 'flashes', oh I don't know…in bed? You be sure and let me know," Canderous gave Pol a wink.
"Ha you're such a jerk! So about Jagi, what are your thoughts? I mean what happened at the dunes… that was…" Pol shook her head in disbelief. How did he know about Juhani healing me? Is nothing sacred on this ship?
Bitterness fouled his mood once more and Canderous finished Pol's sentence gruffly, "A first and a last." He barked. They resumed their progress though the space port.
"You ok Chief?"
The Mandalorian softened at the sight of her eyes, broad with concern, "I …I need some time with this…To think." His voice was hollow; it reminded Pol of the trees of Dantooine, barreled out for storage in the lean seasons.
Pol's distress was almost tangible. "Alright," she quietly agreed as they stepped up to the Ebon Hawk's boarding ramp.
"Pol," Revan…
"Yes?"
"You're ok." As they embraced Canderous thought he heard Revan's voice cut through Pol's, but he couldn't see her face to be sure.
"You too big guy," She said.
Two sides of one woman – can crazy work?
With limited time to herself and no chance of much needed psychotherapy Pol had divided her life and personality into three distinct parts to cope with her past and all it entailed. She allotted space for each aspect of herself.
She had built a vault for the decaying remains of Darth Revan the Sith lord, the grotesque being that still clung tenaciously to secrets such as the whereabouts of the Star Forge.
In a wicker cage, Revan, fresh from a victory over the Mandalorians, and bitter over her impending rejection from the Jedi Order, awaiting her trial. It was this Revan who had begun to seek the Star Maps and this Revan that Pol aired on occasion. During meditation she soothed Revan, hoping to reconcile her with the present and prevent her fall. Juhani and Jolee helped to unify Pol's consciousness gradually; they wanted her whole and healthy again.
Juhani had dealt with her own demons under the guidance of Master Vandar and she structured Pol's healing. The Cathar had been instrumental to Pol's ongoing success. It wasn't something they discussed with the crew, saving Bastila, who was privy to Pol's treatment. Pol hadn't realized that Canderous knew.
Still reeling form the events on the dunes Pol approached Juhani in the common room. "Ju, do you have a moment?" She asked with a light quaver to her voice.
Juhani, sensing Pol's urgency, answered without question, "Certainly Pol." The two women sought refuge in the cool confines of the cargo hold.
"I was hoping you could read my aura." She confessed.
They sat cross legged on the floor facing one another. They measured their breaths and opened themselves to the Force. Pol's aura read bright and clean to Juhani's vision. It tugged lightly at her own aura, she had gotten used to Pol's influence. At last she gave her assessment. "It is well Pol. Shall I read Revan's?"
"Feel up to it?" Juhani nodded and Pol resumed her meditations. This time she made space mentally for Revan to stride in allowing her perception of the situation to guide her emotional state.
Revan spoke aloud. "Am I all bad Juhani?" The question was sincere but a wicked humor permeated the words.
Juhani called Pol back breaking the trance, "Pol?"
"Yes?" Worry strained her unnaturally youthful complexion.
"There is a grayish drain to her aura, I saw doubt and desire."
Anger brimmed in Pol; she accepted it and followed it to its source…guilt. She knew it to be true but the shame and disappointment was an unbearable weight. "It was clear last time, I thought if I gave Revan time to adjust, more time out to atone… I thought this was helping. What am I doing wrong?" Tears fell and gravity bore them down her face, where they peaked at her chin and dripped to the cargo hold floor.
"Pol, she is still vastly improved, and we are here for you, do not despair."
"But you are worried Juhani; I see it. I have gone backwards."
Juhani's yellow eyes posed the question before her mouth did. "What happened this morning?" She held her head to the side balanced atop a graceful feline neck. The beads on the ends of her braids tinkled together like pebbles splashing to a shallow riverbed.
"I can't say…it is not my place to. There was a confrontation… a dispute. I let Revan take the lead."
"Why? How did this happen?"
"I couldn't resolve the situation," I didn't want to. "At least I couldn't solve it my way, I drew on her strength and knowledge, it was necessary…but she lingered," To be near Canderous…?
Juhani sighed, "Like she did just now. You need more time; I only wish the council could have given it to you."
"I have to be more disciplined, I have to exercise more control. Hopefully there won't be any more situations like this morning."
"Pol this is not a failure. You are healing well and your consideration for Bastila during this time is commendable."
"Can you check up on her once in a while for me? She's never been darkside. She doesn't understand what it is like. I hope she never does. All this 'tinkering' with my past and this crazy split in my personality…Can we be absolutely certain this won't put her at risk?" Pol wiped the tears from her face, and wiped her nose.
Juhani placed her hand on Pol's shoulder reassuringly, "No more than is necessary, you will not always be divided so; and Jolee shields her well while we work. Pol I would like to tell you that you are a brave woman."
"No braver than you Juhani. Your support means everything to me, I hope you are right and I thank you my friend.