Title: Inside My Coffin

Disclaimer: Serious angst. Suicide. Slash. Violence.

POV: Nick

Intro

Frequently I sit and wonder. Does my life mean anything? To anyone? Have I made a difference? If I've made a difference, will they remember me when I'm gone? Was the difference enough to actually change a life? Sure, my work is to solve crimes. But that just makes me a puzzle solver.

All anyone ever sees is the CSI. They never see the person under the initials. They never think about me and the things in my life. No one ever looks pass the gun. It's always about the gun. What does he do with that gun? Does he know how to use it? Can he defend himself?

Obviously I can't defend myself. That guy got the better of me. He was able to kidnap me from a fake crime scene. I was too dumb to notice the signs. Too dumb to put up a fight. You all watched me as I suffered. You saved me. You think I'm better. I can see it in your eyes. You all see the me that I was before. Before I was locked up in a coffin and buried alive. But that me is long gone. I got passed the babysitter who molested me. I got passed having guns pointed at me. I've even gotten passed being stalked and nearly killed by that maniac. All of those things seem so unimportant. So minor. Why can't any of you see that I'm hurting so bad inside?

Sara, I know that you have your owner troubles. I know about your parents. You think that Grissom is the only one who knows. But I do. And I understand why you are the way you are. I don't blame you. In fact, I believe I understand you better. Who wouldn't be bitter if their mother murdered their father? That is definitely not a happy childhood. Then you fall in love with someone who doesn't return those feelings. Yes, Grissom cares about you. As a friend. You want so much more though.

Grissom, you are the most aggravating person I know. How can you work a job that is all about people when you have absolutely no people skills? I have never met anyone else like you. You find solace in your science and your bugs. But deep down, you'll never be happy. You're ignoring what's right in front of you. Open your eyes. Look at the world as it really is. Not the way it needs to be.

Catherine, what can be said about you? You made a difference in your life. You changed it. Not a lot of showgirls would give up all that money to work with dead bodies. But you did. For your daughter. She is your meaning for living. I catch you staring at her picture when you think no one is looking. Maybe you should take some time off. Spend it with her before she's gone. You'll regret it if you don't. They grow up so fast. Just ask Brass.

Warrick, a man of so many mysteries. You took everyone by surprise when we found out that you had gotten married. I never expected you to settle down. Not so quickly. Personally, I always thought there was something between you and Catherine. But I must have been greatly mistaken. Remember that I'm not that good a detective. Stay away from the gambling. Or she might leave you. Most woman like stability. Don't screw it up, man. Someone deserves to find happiness in this life. Take it while you can.

Greg, what can be said about you? Although you have changed my life in so many ways, it just doesn't seem to be enough. The feelings won't go away. The voices are always there. Haunting me. Taunting me. It's never going to get better. I'm sorry that I did this to you.

I'm sorry for everything. For every single time I fucked up. My life is nothing to be proud of. Not in the least. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I exist. Sorry that I came into your lives.

And I know that you will try to figure out why I did what I did. You'll never understand. None of you ever will. If you did, I wouldn't be here. Writing this. Forgive me. I'll watch over you. All of you. Stay together. No matter where life takes you. Be a part of each other's lives. Listen and love.

Don't cry for me. I'm not worth the tears.

Love,

Nick Stokes